DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

OP I think you're taking the right approach.

Yes he is tight. That doesn't make him a bad person.

I would say, however, that before moving in/getting married, it's important to have a conversation about how things would work when and if you started a family. Maternity pay/childcare costs/going part time - I think it would be best to hammer that kind of thing out upfront.

Yes I agree, at the very least she should be billing him for half the food she buys for him. It's not clear if she is.

Personally I would stop cooking for him.

That was to QuintShhh ^

I love the word 'nitpickery'!

My mean ex was also annoyed that I didn't earn as much as him. He used to pressure me about it which was very unfair.

He was an IT contractor, and I was in my early-mid twenties and earnt around £25k. This was in 2000 so I wasn't doing too badly at all! But it still bugged him because he wanted this 'lifestyle' that I wasn't able to have as well. I got myself into debt because we'd take turns paying for eating out etc and I just didn't have the disposable income he had.

Funnily enough, he also bought a boat.

Total wanker he was, it was the best thing I ever did leaving him.

If I was on more money than my partner I would try and pay for more stuff, expecially if I had the type of salary where I could afford 30K on a boat and 8K on my newphews.

I wouldn't want to move in with him if he is expecting you to pay half his mortgage and half his bills. I mean it is his house which he can afford on his own. He should only be able to charge you the same or less than what you are paying now otherwise you are essentially paying off his mortgage at an additonal cost to you.

How about if you start thinking of marriage and kids? You need to find out if he is willing for you both to share your joint earnings. If he isn't I don't see how you could share a life with him. I mean he might say if you have a baby, you still have to work fulltime, pay half the bills and pay half the childcare (which your salary may not even cover). Or if you went part time would he resent you not paying your way even though you are spending your non working time looking after a child you have had together. How about if you became a SAHM would he say you are a gold digger?

Personally, I still think he is tight and the situation quite odd.

Why is he ok with you buying food for you both 3/4 times a week (which probably costs £30-£40), when he stays at yours only once and pays for dinner once?

If he is so concerned that you both pay an equal amount, how is that fair?

Oh and stop cleaning for him too, if he wants a cleaner house he should pay someone.

Yes, in case you don't leave him, start billing him for the stuff you take to his.
Or don't take anything.

Or take 50 extra-large packs of loo roll (before dumping him).

Fuck that. He's the gold digger.

He can afford the kids trust funds because you buy 60% of his groceries for 2 years! You paid for that trust fund.

Why on earth are you cleaning his house? Don't you have something better to do? Does he clean yours in return?

This is not being "fair" he only wants to split where it benefits him.

Stop paying for groceries, stop cleaning, stop enabling and see what happens.

I think you need to stop comparing your relationship to your friends'. An you've pointed out, financial generosity doesn't necessarily translate to emotional generosity.

As you feel uncomfortable and worried about your future together because of differing attitudes to money, can you sit down and talk about it properly? You've been together 2 years, he knows you now, he knows that you aren't obsessed with money. So ask the difficult questions now, because there won't be a better time.

Btw, my former comment about the cooking and cleaning still stands. You're very kind and he's taking advantage of that. Maybe not consciously, but he is, and it makes his nit-picking over pennies stand out badly in comparison.

Add message | Report | Message poster CotswoldQueen Thu 14-May-15 09:45:19

OP quote
I will sit him down this weekend and have a proper discussion with him about money, his attitude to it, my attitude to it, our future and how finances would pan out. From that conversation, I will make my mind up.

That sounds sensible.

The divvying up of money in a relationship can make or break it...I would make that my opening my gambit when you start your talk .

In my relationship the balance of money is unequal in my favour. So we each pay a small amount into a joint account to cover bills. There's no mortgage or rent and it's my house. The amount he pays is less than he paid for his own house. Then we each put £100 into a joint purse which he controls. That's for food and fun . We top that up every time it runs out which it does often on account of how much fun we have.

Then what we have ls our own. We each have a car so we pay our own car expenses etc.

I didn't want to be in a relationship where we went for a coffee and I went half or he did. This works for us. We are both pensioners btw.

I pay for household repairs or big purchases. He does loads round the house. It works

I think ginger token is doing the same.

Maybe that would work for you op. when I used to stay at OH's house he would provide the food and I did the same at mine. I wouldn't expect a guest in my house to provide food for themselves.

He won't ever book a surprise weekend for me but if I say shall we go away for a weekend he's always up for it. I look for the bargains and then we split 50/50 or I pay the hotel and he pays the petrol as we always use his car.

Get it sorted OP. if he's too nice to throwaway, he needs to be re- educated about how you want to be treated. Tell him how you feel when he scrupulously divvies things up like that.

Good luck and do come back and tell us and btw anyone who thinks you are being a gold digger is just being insulting .

The cleaning thing as I have already stated, I do not because he asks me, in fact he says ‘It’s fine, just leave it.’ But I hate mess and I can’t relax until it’s tidy, I don’t like sitting in chaotic rooms, they need to be neat and tidy (my OCD coming out I think, but I think most females like clean, tidy living spaces?) So I haven’t ever complained about cleaning because I don’t begrudge it. He does clean and tidy up but at his own leisure and his sense of urgency is less than mine!
Re the food, I don’t always cook, I’d say the cooking is 50/50 really. Yes, the majority of the time when I go to his I bring us dinner but I would have to eat anyway and I think it’s rude to keep turning up on someone’s doorstep and expect to be fed? I wouldn’t like it if he did that to me and he doesn’t, when he comes to mine he generally brings dinner.

It is abundantly clear that we are going to have to sit down and have a chat about it all. I honestly don’t think he’s being nasty and tbh with you I suspect this is the way he’s been with all of his girlfriends, whether they have had debt or not, but I could be wrong. If I found out that he was whisking exes off on romantic weekends away all the time then I’d be out of this relationship like a shot and possibly give him a slap before I go! But I don’t think that’s the case!

I'm surprised that having been together for 2 years, you can't discuss this with him - seeing that he is also your best friend.

When me and my DP started dating (well, about 6 months in) we had a little money box which we called our leisure fund. We would each add to it and use it whenever we went away, camping or out for a meal. Seems odd but we both felt awkward about money

No sorry, I don't believe in this "he's really nice apart from this itty bitty fault" argument.

This is a huge. The loo roll and commenting on how much you use was misogyny, as Twinklestein pointed out. That wasn't about money at all, it was about humiliation.
And humiliation seems to be a running theme. He humiliated you publicly too at the cinema. Some men get off on humiliating their partners. Your bloke may be one of these men.

And YOU have paid toward that gift to his brother. "You only buy and cook food" is again, deeply misogynistic. Food is fucking expensive.

I wouldn’t like it if he did that to me and he doesn’t, when he comes to mine he generally brings dinner.

What people are pointing out is that you go to his (with food) more often than he goes to yours.
On top, you clean his place. Why doesn't he get it to a standard that you are happy with when you go in? Does he treat other "visitors" like that? It's rather convenient, even if he says to leave it. He knows you won't.
You are good to be treated as part of the house in that respect, but not to use his toilet roll?
What happens if you refuse to go to his place if it's not in a condition that is acceptable to you?

If my bf were jesting about my toileting needs, I would not be amused. I would be out the door.

The last straw with my ex was when he came home one day with a brand new car that he'd bought without consulting me. For years my wages had paid for our food. Food was more expensive than bills and rent because of the way we ate out and the things he preferred to see on the table. Oh, and I cooked it too. And shopped for it and delivered it to the home, free of charge.
When he came home driving this expensive looking jeep thing I was
[There was another woman too, btw. The new expensive car had been to impress her, no doubt] For YEARS I had bought the food and it was like he hadn't even noticed because it was "just" food.

It was as though he had reached the point that food was just something that materialized from somewhere. Like air and water. He really seemed to think this toward the end.

Have you been diagnosed with OCD OP?

Then tell him you won't be going to his anymore as every time you go you feel you have to clean up, it must be a right mess and I'm a bit OCD myself. I just find it weird that you bring dinner, surely you can arrange to go to his and he cook and vice versa? This arriving with something seems to be borne out of your desire to not upset him and like he expects you not to come empty handed - all very weird.

The fact your opening statement is, are you being a Princess kinda shows that you have a very low opinion of yourself in the sense that you feel you always have to prove something to him, that's not how it should be, he should take you as you are, skint as well! He's a very well off man and is acting like he is living on the bones of his arse, sorry but for most women it would be a massive issue, not a small thing at all. You are almost playing into his weird view that he is owed something, stop doing it, tell him exactly what you have told us, it's him with the problem, not you.

He is who he is, and you just have to decide as you say, whether the good outweigh the bad. Many people will appreciate a man who is careful with his money and the good life that goes along with that care- I'm not one of them, really though, I like to go out for dinner and generally share the good times (not that good at present, so it may be a KFC bargain bucket only!) with my husband, and for him to do the same for me.

I think you don't seem to be wiling to challenge your own behaviour here- you are going to carry on cleaning (I bet he would have a cleaner if you stopped) and bringing the food 3/4 times a week because it's rude not to in your eyes, but many people have said this is a little odd and over the top budget wise for him- you aren't really playing as a team buying food together, but more like a housekeeper role.

If he really wanted to help you pay off your debts, he could start stumping up the food in his own home (who doesn't want to share a bit of food with their partner?!)

He sounds more like your dad, teaching how to manage money, than a partner.

You say in every other way he's great, but the thing is with money, it is part of everything. So every weekend, you go out, he calculates whose turn it is to pay, tries to make the 'turns' even, or wouldn't book a holiday for himself in case you took advantage of it and came along. It doesn't sound very romantic to me and it would colour a lot of my life (every time you use the loo, every time you take over £15's worth of food and wine which really adds up, every time you go to pay for things when you are out).

Yes, where is the romance?

I wonder how you can still be in love with this stingy unromantic man who has turned you into a cleaner, cook and a housekeeper, when you fell out of love with the man who truly treated you as an adorable princess?!

What happened?

Think long and hard OP, before committing any deeper, is my advice. What would bother me, in particular, is the generosity towards others, and the scrimping when it comes to you. The toilet roll comment would probably have made me walk out the door, and not return.
Does he complain when you use (his?) cleaning products to clean his house? Genuine question.

Also if your OCD manifests itself in the area of cleaning, and not being able to bear mess in your living space, this will potentially be a big issue, should you decide to live together.

Does romance equate to someone else picking up the bill then?

That's nice, don't get me wrong, but surely romance is more meaningful than that?