Worried about fiancé's attitude to pregnancy

[Brouhaha9]

Hi all, I've been with my fiancé for 4.5 years. He is very kind, sweet, and honest and we both always knew we wanted kids when we were married and have talked about it. We're due to get married in September and over the past number of months I've noticed a really horrible attitude towards how I will be when I get pregnant. I feel that he wants the child when it comes out at the end but is dreading having to deal with a crazy hormonal lady in between. It's a side I've never seen in him and I am genuinely worried I won't get the support I need from him when I need it most. Examples:

We talked about when we would start trying for a baby. I wanted to start as soon as we were married - I am excited to start our family and we're in a good position financially and have just bought a house. He said "not until a year after we're married, I want to enjoy being married for a while without having to deal with you being all hormonal for 9 months". Obviously I found this hurtful and told him so but he didn't seem to see what he said wrong. If he'd said he wanted to enjoy our married life together before the stress of having a newborn I'd understand but he put the emphasis on me being hormonal as the thing he wanted to avoid. I'm also 31 and while I still have plenty of time I don't know why we need to wait as we will have been together almost 5 years by the wedding.

Our neighbours in our new street have the cutest dog. I've always wanted a dog and suggested getting a puppy at some stage. He said "No way. When you're pregnant I'll have to do all the work". What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to resent having to do the odd extra chore when I'm 9 months pregnant and struggling to get up?

Here's the big one. We went to my best friend's house for dinner on Saturday night. We were talking about the wedding and babies came up. My friend asked about baby names and if we would use Irish names (I'm Irish and he's Scottish - all my family have very Irish names). I said I would love to, he said no way. I said we'd have to discuss it, and my friend commented that she thought it was sweet that her dad let her mum choose all of the names because of all she'd gone through with the pregnancy. My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the c*nt for 9 months" and gestured to me. Everyone at the table fell silent and my friend's boyfriend said "That's not on". I was humiliated.

What do I do? I've been really shocked at this behaviour and when I confronted him he brushed me off as though I was exaggerating. We're due to get married and start a family but I'm really genuinely worried.

I think the 'cunt' debate may be derailing the thread a bit! Have none of you heard about the feminist perspective of the word? Vagina is considered more misogynist as the Latin translation is 'a sheath for my sword' so Germaine Green prefers 'cunt' as it denotes a female body part not a male serving role of the body part

Op - come back!!!

Lectore

She said he was Scottish. Plenty of my Glaswegian 'friends and relations' are adamant the word has completely different connotations there. An endearment, even. So I just wondered.

It still doesn't alter the underlying issue, but taking that word out of the equation might, in any case, be helpful.

It wasn't at all difficult to get context Mide7. The OP was very clear.

MIDE I think the big difference is between you and your dw calling each other cunt as a term of affection, vs. her partner referring to her negatively, in the third person, as THE cunt, to other people.

Given you and your DW history with the word, perhaps YOU could get away with that as a joke, maybe even one that doesn't fall flat with an audience that knows you both well. Given their history and habits with each other and the other guests, it was a humiliation. And a very telling one.

I am sure there is some phrase/way of phrasing something that would offend and distress your dw as much as 'the cunt' in this context has bothered OP, her friend, friend's spouse and most of us. That you cant even think what that might be shows you are either as kind and in touch with dw as you think (i think you are BTW), or actually so clueless you dont even know you are clueless.

Cuntgate.

I think regardless of the etymology of the word, and which is considered more or less misogynist, it's the intention behind the word which counts.

My brothers all call each other cunt, and it's just them being lads. But if I was with someone and they referred to me as "the cunt" in conversation, they would be history, pretty quickly.

Arsenic

l am a Weggie. I would struggle to find any of my friends and family who would accept that word as a term of endearment and l can assure you that a cunt is a cunt is a cunt in any part of the world .

Cuntgate
A cunt is a cunt is a cunt
I'm sorry to derail, but it did make me laugh.
On a serious note I'd go bonkers if my DP called me this.

Oh dear. Have to say I agree with the other posters here. I also read about how a lot of domestic abuse starts with pregnancy and whilst I don't know you or your DP so wouldn't want to make assumptions, it's a big red flag.

Speaking as someone who is 8 months pregnant and has had moments where my hormones just take over the whole damn castle, I'd say that the importance of having a supportive and loving partner at this time is huge. Pregnancy is a crazy journey and you just do not know where it will take you. I know that I have been difficult to live with and have lost my temper with DH several times. Luckily, he gets that it's because of the pregnancy but it is hard for him to handle - he is very stressed by work, study and wider family issues at the moment, so it isn't easy for him. But he is doing his utmost best to understand it all and try and support me. I'd be lost without him by my side, I have to admit. Right now I'm tired, emotional and feeling very scared about what lies ahead. If DH was constantly sneering and blaming everything on hormones, or worse, calling me a 'cnt'...well, I'd be in bits.

Plus, it's YOU who will be affected, YOUR body that will change and YOUR life/habits that will have to be altered. Carrying a baby is a huge thing to do and any woman who does so (IMO) should be treated like a goddess! His life might change a bit, yes, but yours will change a helluva lot more.

Sorry, I know it must be so hard to hear all this, especially when you were hoping on a happy future together. One possibility is - he could just be very scared about it all but afraid to admit that to you. But if he won't admit it and continues to be like this, then, well, I think you have some serious thinking to do.

Oh, and to everyone who is saying that it's 'acceptable' to sometimes call your partner the c word. Personally, I find it the most offensive word out there and am horrified about how mainstream it has become, and is even used as a term of rough affection in some areas, but my opinion doesn't matter. What does matter is the OP's reaction - clearly, her DP referring to her like this is not something she is used to, otherwise she would not have been so upset!

but my opinion doesn't matter. What does matter is the OP's reaction - clearly, her DP referring to her like this is not something she is used to, otherwise she would not have been so upset!

This. I don't feel it's helpful or appropriate to reply to her thread about how I may love being sworn at by my DP or how I'm always calling my DP names

Please come back OP. I have an awful feeling you were hoping for lots of people to tell you how unreasonable you were feeling and how you should suck it up because it'll all be ok

My now ExH had a very similar attitude to pregnancy. His emotional abuse began when I got pregnant. If I look back there were actually signs of it before we got married and decided to try for children but at the time I thought he was sweet and caring and my best friend.

He hated the fact because I was pregnant I "got all the attention" (his words!), what about what he had to put up with? What about poor him?

Anytime I made a reference to any pregnancy symptoms he would roll his eyes, any argument or complaint from me he blamed on hormones.

He refused to make any allowances or treat me in any special way because I was pregnant. The suggestion I have any sort of casting vote over the name was met with anger. My sisters once asked if he was going to get me a "push present" (not something I was remotely bothered about personally) as they had both got a bag off their husbands and he was outraged at the suggestion because who would get him a present?

The night I went into labour, I was contracting on the floor while he was trying to get some sleep (because he needed sleep too). I ran myself a bath and was moaning in pain and he told me to keep the noise down.

When we brought the baby home, DD and I spent a few nights on the sofa while he got the bed so we didn't keep him up all night.

We split when she was 12 months.

Be very careful OP, this attitude of his could be real clues of what he is capable of. If you have a baby with someone who hasn't got your back, it can be very lonely indeed.

Wow Sig that's shocking! I'm appalled someone could treat a pregnant lady like that. I hadn't realised that abuse starting during pregnancy was a thing.

OP, has some serious thinking to do.

'Are you really sure he WANTS to have children?'

This and are you sure you want to have children with a man who a) is already stringing you along as to win b) dictates the name c) has already made you to be a hormonal 'cunt' when you are not even pregnant.

Your friend's boyfriend told him it wasn't on how he said that.

That should speak volumes to you.

I really hope the scales fall from your eyes right about now before you marry this person.

Hello, I've been at work and just reading through all of these. Of course it isn't what I want to hear but I guarantee I'm as horrified as all of you. The real telling will come when I sit him down for a long talk (unfortunately I've been away with work since Sunday night so it's just been festering). He did apologise a lot but it doesn't change this fear that I have that we don't want the same thing and my fury at having been so disrespected. He is Scottish but it's not a word he uses and not one that I hear here very often either (certainly not around me). Thank you all for your honesty and for sharing your experiences. Xx

You don't have to marry him, Brouhaha.

Even if guests are invited, things are paid for... you don't have to go through with it.

And if you do marry him, you don't have to have a child with him.

And if you do have a child, you can still eventually walk away, when you're ready. It will be a little harder, but you will still be able to do it.

It's just that the longer you stay with a man who freely calls you a cunt, and makes it clear that he only has his own interests at heart, the more years of unhappiness you are committing yourself to.

And you deserve happiness.

Just thinking back to when I was pregnant with DD1. It was such a wonderful time, despite the fact I had a lot of vomitting the first 4 months and then after, such bad acid reflux I wound up in the hospital with an ulcer in my oesophagus, then significant oedema and elevated blood pressure.

But because DH and I were such a team, it was a lovely time for us both, we were so excited about the changes that were happening to me as they were signs out wee girl was growing. We'd chart her progress together. DH was more than happy to support me whenever he could - even working extra hours to buy aides like a body pillow and going out whenever to indulge my cravings.

DD1 died of cancer nearly 3 years ago, she was 9, and now every single memory we have of her is so precious, Brouhaha. And now we can look back and remember how very loved and wanted and cherished she was by both of us, even before she was born. We have lovely memories of my pregnancy with her.

So my message to you is that we only get one crack at this life thing, Brou, so make it with someone who deserves the child the pair of you created, not something you look back on with sadness because the father of your child was such a dick.

I hadn't realised that abuse starting during pregnancy was a thing.

All forms of abuse are more likely to start during pregnancy than at any other time. There are various theories as to why that is but personally I think its because they are not in control of what is happening and they are by their nature, controlling.

I would not be marrying this man for all the babies in the world. He is already displaying abusive type behaviour when pg is mentioned, thats not to get better when the pg is actually happening.

LipSync appears to be the only person on the thread who is equally baffled that the op herself has swallowed the 'all pg women are mental' line.

It isn't essential, you know. It is perfectly possible to be pg and not an unpredictable rampaging hot mess for 9 months. Some people just grow babies and get on with normal life. The OP appears to have contributed to her dc's views on pg by agreeing/ suggesting she will be a nightmare for the duration.

Why do women insist on cultivating this tosh?

Notwithstanding the fact that the op has contributed to her df's understanding of how pg women 'are', of course he was being a cock.

But really? Why are we perpetuating this nonsense?

'He did apologise a lot but it doesn't change this fear that I have that we don't want the same thing and my fury at having been so disrespected. '

Listen to that fear! It's your friend.

My husband is Scottish. He would not dream of calling me a cunt. Ever.

I would have lost it

Well presumably Madwoman as she has never experienced pg, she assumes that all the clichés are true. I dont think we can blame her for not realising that it isnt always like that. And also, sometime it is like that, so it would be silly to say it never happens therefore she shouldnt worry about it. Out of my 6 children, my third pg was awful, I was the cliché of the happy/sad/laughing/crying/demanding nightmare! I admire how my ex H handled it tbh.

I haven't done that at all, where do I imply I agree with him because I definitely don't.

I do not agree, where do i imply that i do??

Brouhaha9,

re your comment:-
"The real telling will come when I sit him down for a long talk (unfortunately I've been away with work since Sunday night so it's just been festering). He did apologise a lot but it doesn't change this fear that I have that we don't want the same thing and my fury at having been so disrespected"

Your fear is very real, do not minimise what has happened here. He meant every word of what he said.

You've already talked, what more will yet more talking achieve?. What do you want to achieve from such a conversation, another "sorry" from him?.
If you talk it should simply be to tell him that this relationship is now at an end. You cannot and must not get caught up in the "sunken costs" fallacy; that just causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

You do not have to marry him.

Words are cheap after all OP, its actions that matter here. He is not really sorry, he is only sorry that other people have called him out on his actions towards you. The fact that he is Scottish is a complete irrelevance here.

Thanks, i only mentioned the scottish thing because other said scots use that word on a regular basis...