Worried about fiancé's attitude to pregnancy

[Brouhaha9]

Hi all, I've been with my fiancé for 4.5 years. He is very kind, sweet, and honest and we both always knew we wanted kids when we were married and have talked about it. We're due to get married in September and over the past number of months I've noticed a really horrible attitude towards how I will be when I get pregnant. I feel that he wants the child when it comes out at the end but is dreading having to deal with a crazy hormonal lady in between. It's a side I've never seen in him and I am genuinely worried I won't get the support I need from him when I need it most. Examples:

We talked about when we would start trying for a baby. I wanted to start as soon as we were married - I am excited to start our family and we're in a good position financially and have just bought a house. He said "not until a year after we're married, I want to enjoy being married for a while without having to deal with you being all hormonal for 9 months". Obviously I found this hurtful and told him so but he didn't seem to see what he said wrong. If he'd said he wanted to enjoy our married life together before the stress of having a newborn I'd understand but he put the emphasis on me being hormonal as the thing he wanted to avoid. I'm also 31 and while I still have plenty of time I don't know why we need to wait as we will have been together almost 5 years by the wedding.

Our neighbours in our new street have the cutest dog. I've always wanted a dog and suggested getting a puppy at some stage. He said "No way. When you're pregnant I'll have to do all the work". What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to resent having to do the odd extra chore when I'm 9 months pregnant and struggling to get up?

Here's the big one. We went to my best friend's house for dinner on Saturday night. We were talking about the wedding and babies came up. My friend asked about baby names and if we would use Irish names (I'm Irish and he's Scottish - all my family have very Irish names). I said I would love to, he said no way. I said we'd have to discuss it, and my friend commented that she thought it was sweet that her dad let her mum choose all of the names because of all she'd gone through with the pregnancy. My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the c*nt for 9 months" and gestured to me. Everyone at the table fell silent and my friend's boyfriend said "That's not on". I was humiliated.

What do I do? I've been really shocked at this behaviour and when I confronted him he brushed me off as though I was exaggerating. We're due to get married and start a family but I'm really genuinely worried.

[DrMorbius]

If I called my DW a c**t, while we were dating (private or public), I would not be her DH now.

Also he doesn't seem to appreciate that you would "both" be having a baby?? Its a team thing and he has a big part to play. His job is to make sure the pregnancy is as enjoyable for you as possible.

You say he is very kind, sweet, and honest, he seems a bit self obsessed and immature to me.

[msrisotto]

You need time to consider whether this is a new side you're seeing here.

Also, what someone above said:
"I'd talk to your friend. I bet you'll find she's desperate for you to call off the wedding."

[IfMaybeBut]

Run

A lot of domestic violence starts in pregnancy. I do think some men either cannot cope with the changes involved in having a child or they exploit the vulnerability of a woman who is pregnant.

He seems to be laying the groundwork.

[Handywoman]

It's his attitude to YOU, OP. Not the pregnancy.

Never marry a man who humiliates you in front of your friends, or calls you a cunt.

Your instincts are telling you something is very wrong, and it is.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Before I had my now newborn, dh and I sat down to discuss whether going through another pregnancy was worth it. I get bad SPD (hips stop working properly and hurt a lot), so I know I can get particularly moody with the pain on top of the hormones, and that dh ends up having to do most of the housework etc.

So we talked about it. My worry was the pressures on him to have to do things for me, his worry was the pain to me, and whether I would be ok. At no point did dh say "and it's tough dealing with you when you can't walk and you're all upset about it", because that would have made him a git.

Neither of us imagined that things would get as bad as they did. The pain was enormous, dh had to do everything it was truly a terrible time. All dh ever said was how worried he was about me, how I was the one doing the hard work and not him (lies!) and how proud he was of me.

If he'd been anything but supportive I have no idea how I would have coped.

Even during a good pregnancy you are vulnerable. Your body is changing, you feel different, you've not got the shape you used to have. You may lack energy and not want to socialise as much because you need to rest. You may get tired faster. These are all pretty standard symptoms.

Can you honestly say that if you were having a bad day you would be safe to say, "I'm really not up to doing the thing we planned to do later" safe in the knowledge that he would say, "of course love, if you're not up to it we won't go. You come first."

I think you're being trained not to mention any of your niggles so they won't bother him.

Pregnancy brings out the truth of a man and in vino veritas.

You deserve better.

[NerrSnerr]

The problem is, I was a hormonal nightmare when pregnant. My husband was amazing and was so supportive. If he's talking like this is he going to be supportive when you're in tears because the shop didn't have mini baby bells or that you want a Big Mac at 4am?

[tribpot]

A neat freak who believes that pregnancy is a massive imposition for the man? This is not father material, sorry OP.

Supportive of your career is not necessarily an indicator of supportive of you as a complete person. Have you asked him how he would cope if you end up having to go on bed rest, or into hospital, or are as sick as dog for the whole pregnancy? (These things are rare but they do happen). How would finances work whilst you were on maternity leave? (I'll lay odds he expects that you'll 'pay your way' during mat leave).

He hasn't apologised for the c-word comment, has he?

I do think a pre-marital course would be a very good idea - either a church-based one if you're planning to marry in church (info about the CoE option here) or a therapy-based one, perhaps something like this.

[Joysmum]

I think he's setting up a situation to justify being an absolute cock whilst you're preganant.

I'm afraid this also makes me wonder how equal he'll see you as?

As well as attitude to pregnancy, have you discussed money? Obviously your pay and career will take a hit and childcare will cost to be qble to go back to work.

Please, make you you talk about this at the same time as however 'out of character' his attitude may seem, I've got a horrible sinking feeling about the practical side of it all too.

Be careful

[Didiusfalco]

Dont minimise the cunt comment or allow him to do so. Its really not a normal or acceptable way to refer to the woman you are supposed to love. He should be utterly horrified with himself and contrite, not brushing it off. I can see from your earlier posts that your relationship is of longstanding, shared house, planned marriage etc, but there is no rule which says you have to go ahead and marry the man, because what you describe is not a sweet, kind man, but a man whose behaviour could escalate under pressure - its not too late to run.

[SignoraStronza]

Listen to what he is saying to you. He is telling you who he really is. The facade of a 'kind', 'sweet' man is slipping and you are right to be unnerved. As someone has said, the abuse often begins in pregnancy and when children are young and this behaviour is giving you an insight into your future with him.
If he can't 'handle' a pregnant woman, he is likely to be useless when it comes to a newborn. How on earth would he cope with things if, for example, you needed a c-section?
Please do not marry him. There are enough women on MN (me included) who have been there and wish they had known the red flags to be aware of.

[britishbakeoffblues]

I was ?? and ?? reading your post OP.
My exH was an absolute arse when I was pregnant. He made rude comments about my size, my body, having to empty the cat litter (you're not supposed to come into contact with dog or cat poo whilst pregnant),
And was really unsupportive.
When I ended up in hospital for 10 days prior to my DS arriving, all he could go on about was how much money it was costing him in petrol and parking and how dare I call him out of work when I'm not even in labour......
I spent a long time trying to keep my LO quiet once he was born and did EVERYTHING.
I thought my exH was lovely prior to this, but looking back with hindsight, I can see the warning signs were there.
It made my pregnancy an extremely lonely time when it should have been enjoyable.
Please think long and hard about whether you want to have children with this man, or even marry him.

[Bahh]

I think he's just bad at judging a room! None of the stuff he said would have bothered me, personally. Me and OH are pretty honest and lighthearted though. Pregnant women are hard work, regardless of how much you love them. He's probably worried about how much you'll change and is just expressing it badly.

[Allstoppedup]

That's awful. Like others I was thinking it was maybe a case of cold feet/anxiousness after the first two examples but the cunt thing is inexcusable, particularly as he hasn't even acknowledged it was horrible or taken on board the reaction of those around him.

I'd be worried he can be so cruel and unpleasant embarressing you that way and also concerned about his complete lack of empathy and understanding of the difficulties pregnancy can bring- having to deal with a potentially emotional pregnant woman for 9 months is hardly comparable to growing and birthing a child.

For what it's worth I had HG in both pregnancies, the first was the absolute worst and not for one second of my pregnancy did I hear my DP moan- not when he washed out my 30th sick bucket of the day, rubbed my back/feet or scraped away the full meal he'd cooked that I thought I could manage.

We laughed together at silly hormonal things (mostly I get soppy as hell and cry at silly things!)

It would have been a giant red flag if before our children he had ever spoken to me that way! I'd seriously be considering my relationship and would certainly be sitting down and having a stark conversation with him about what he expects from your future. It may be that he does not want the family you do and is pushing you away from the idea with unpleasant behaviour. If that is the case, you need to decide if you are compatible in what you both are looking for.

[loveareadingthanks]

The first couple of things were a bit ignorant/tactless of him but I put them down to having heard awful stories, or having been around a woman who had a difficult pregnancy. Perhaps he is oldest child and has bad memories of his mother being pregnant, or something.

But I'm aghast at his calling you 'the cunt' that he will have to put up with. He's not even sorry about it! Even if he were, it's a huge huge red flag on his attitude towards women and therefore you.

I also think you should be thinking very hard about marriage to this man. 'the cunt'. Speechless. Bad enough to call you cunt, but 'The' cunt is so dehumanising on top. It's really vile thinking behind that. I do not think he is nice at all - I think he is charming and does a good impression of being nice. Lots of women fall into that trap, and live to regret it bitterly.

This man thinks pregnant women are cunts. And that you'll be a dehumanised 'the cunt indoors' for him to moan and complain about. Dear God woman, don't do it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

OP - Plenty of red flags here. This relationship sad as it is, is really now at an end. You certainly cannot marry him now nor have children with him either. Brushing you off with no apology is also very bad.

You also say of yourself, "I am no walkover". Some emotionally abusive men like seemingly strong women to take down to their base level. They see such women like you as a challenge to break. He is telling you who he really is; the fact too that he is a neat freak makes me think he could never cope at all with a child and will expect you to do everything for the child too.

You are seeing the real him and the real him is an abuser.

Bahh; his comments were also said in front of their friends and one of them commented; you are seriously minimising here. Bad at judging a room!!. If none of his comments would have bothered you then you need to ask yourself why that actually is the case, its very much alarmed everyone else who has responded.

[TendonQueen]

You have to tell him you're having serious doubts now about having children with him, given his attitude. Watch him very carefully when you say it. And ask him about the other stuff people have raised: will he share in the work 'even' when you're on maternity leave, will he expect you to fund your own time off, etc.

[AlternativeTentacles]

Pregnant women are hard work

Yeah, probably because their partners are complete arseholes!

Bad at judging a room? This ain't a comedy club, this is the OP's real life.

[SweetAndFullOfGrace]

In your situation OP I would be having a full and frank discussion with him about the fact that you don't believe he's ready to have kids and you don't believe he's respectful enough of you to be your DH.

Also based on the cunt comment I would seriously reconsider the whole relationship. As a PP said, don't minimise it. Not only did he call you a cunt, he did it in the third person (dehumanising) and he did it in front of friends (belittling and humiliating). If DH called me a cunt in any context he would be gone.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

I think you really would regret getting married to this man.

I can't stand all this 'your hormones make you crazy' stuff.

[YouMakeMyHeartSmile]

pregnant women are hard work

Speak for yourself.

[TyrannosaurusBex]

Referring to you as 'the cunt' is a dealbreaker. He should be begging your forgiveness. My DH was very aware of all that I was going through (difficult pregnancy with DD1) to get our baby here, I would have been a wreck if he'd been as selfish and immature as your DP sounds.

A bit off the main point, but please don't get a dog while pregnant. You won't want to deal with house-training and the extra housework that goes with dog hair (depending on which breed you go for) and it's tough on the dog to be shoved abruptly down the pecking order when the baby arrives, plus it's difficult to get out to walk the dog enough with a newborn. Getting a puppy with young DCs, on the other hand, is fantastic,

[Skiptonlass]

Oh OP, please think very very hard whether you want to marry this man. Please don't have a baby with him. Please think very hard indeed. I've seen a few friends' 'lovely, kind' husbands start to treat them like shit during their pregnancies. It's almost like they've got you now. You're vulnerable and tied to them, they can do what they want. I've seen educated doctors, PhD s and lawyers ground down to nervous breakdowns. All the time these women say what you'd say above 'oh but he's so lovely normally!' Lovely normally and a shit five percent of the time is not lovely.

Pregnancy can be tough, and it is (if you're in a couple) much better approached as a team. I've had severe morning sickness - my Dh brought me fluids, made sure the bin was out etc. I've been hormonal - my Dh makes me laugh, distracts me or just gives me a hug. I've been projectile vomiting - he brings the bucket and holds my hair back. He tells me he's proud of me.

If he called me a cunt, ever, I'd be out the door, as he would be if I did that to him. Jokes about hormental wives are one thing, but that is a step too far.

Think very carefully - does he do half the housework? Does he treat you as a true equal? Because these are what matter, not romantic gestures.

Think about how your friend's boyfriend acted, calling him out on behaviour in public. That shows you it wasn't you overreacting. Do not let him minimise this,

Personally, I'd be considering the relationship here. These threads are full of women who I'm sure wished they'd listened the first time the mask slipped, rather than stay and endure shitty treatment for years with children.

You're 31. That's not past it! I left a relationship then and am now so glad I did - you still have time for kids if that's what you want, but please- don't have them with this man.

[expatinscotland]

He called you a cunt. Another man told him it wasn't on, and you are the one who feels humiliated.

That says it all.

This man would be out of my life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

What a nasty man. Do not marry or have children with this person or you'll be back here in a couple of years time asking for advice on how to leave your abusive husband

^^THIS ^^ With bells on!

A lot of abusers begin their abuse during pregnancy.
He's doing it all just TALKING about pregnancy.
It says it all really.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Oh god, please do not marry this man. Run, run for the hills.