Worried about fiancé's attitude to pregnancy

[Brouhaha9]

Hi all, I've been with my fiancé for 4.5 years. He is very kind, sweet, and honest and we both always knew we wanted kids when we were married and have talked about it. We're due to get married in September and over the past number of months I've noticed a really horrible attitude towards how I will be when I get pregnant. I feel that he wants the child when it comes out at the end but is dreading having to deal with a crazy hormonal lady in between. It's a side I've never seen in him and I am genuinely worried I won't get the support I need from him when I need it most. Examples:

We talked about when we would start trying for a baby. I wanted to start as soon as we were married - I am excited to start our family and we're in a good position financially and have just bought a house. He said "not until a year after we're married, I want to enjoy being married for a while without having to deal with you being all hormonal for 9 months". Obviously I found this hurtful and told him so but he didn't seem to see what he said wrong. If he'd said he wanted to enjoy our married life together before the stress of having a newborn I'd understand but he put the emphasis on me being hormonal as the thing he wanted to avoid. I'm also 31 and while I still have plenty of time I don't know why we need to wait as we will have been together almost 5 years by the wedding.

Our neighbours in our new street have the cutest dog. I've always wanted a dog and suggested getting a puppy at some stage. He said "No way. When you're pregnant I'll have to do all the work". What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to resent having to do the odd extra chore when I'm 9 months pregnant and struggling to get up?

Here's the big one. We went to my best friend's house for dinner on Saturday night. We were talking about the wedding and babies came up. My friend asked about baby names and if we would use Irish names (I'm Irish and he's Scottish - all my family have very Irish names). I said I would love to, he said no way. I said we'd have to discuss it, and my friend commented that she thought it was sweet that her dad let her mum choose all of the names because of all she'd gone through with the pregnancy. My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the c*nt for 9 months" and gestured to me. Everyone at the table fell silent and my friend's boyfriend said "That's not on". I was humiliated.

What do I do? I've been really shocked at this behaviour and when I confronted him he brushed me off as though I was exaggerating. We're due to get married and start a family but I'm really genuinely worried.

[ImperialBlether]

My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the cnt for 9 months" and gestured to me.*

OP, where are your standards with regard to how you'll let people treat you? If you just 'get over this' then worse will happen. Surely you can see that.

I wouldn't marry him. I'd call it a day and have a break for a few months before looking for someone else. In that time I'd have some counselling about my boundaries and self-esteem.

He's absolutely horrible - can you really not see that? Oh and if you told your friends (from the dinner) that you were dumping him, there wouldn't be one who'd try to persuade you not to.

[Mulligrubs]

Why does he think pregnant women become hormonal monsters? I am pregnant with my second and so far have cried at a few adverts and during my last pregnancy it was the same. No hormonal crazy behaviour!

If that is your DPs attitude now, how will he be if you develop pregnancy complications? I did towards the end last time, I was very ill with high blood pressure and our baby stopped growing. This lead to a horrendous traumatic emergency c-section. Afterwards I had to deal with the shock and having a newborn and I found it incredibly difficult.

During that time I needed my partner to be supportive and I knew he would be. He was my rock. From what your partner has been saying to you, do you feel that he would be supportive at your most vunerable? Does not sound like it to me.

Even if everything goes smoothly and easily having a newborn is not easy. How will he cope with that?

As other posters have said, he is showing you who he really is. Listen to what he is saying to you. Kind men do not speak to their partner like that. My DP finds my pregnancy amazing - he says all the time how proud he is of me for growing our baby and says how it is amazing (and weird!) my body carried our son. You deserve someone who will think that about you, not someone who will call you a cunt in front of people.

[Mide7]

While I might get shot down here and possibly rightly so. Also I'm not defending him because he's not articulating himself very well. I understand pregnancy is extremely difficult for women, there body not being there own and things. Pregnancy can be difficult for the partner to. Especially if it's your first. For me I didn't feel much in terms of a connection while she was pregnant so a lot of things I couldn't relate to and on top of that a lot of the time your partner is behaving like the person you fell in love with. It can be difficult.

And the C-word thing, I use it all the time in front of my partner and sometimes directed at her. That makes me some sort of animal? I'm shocked about that!

[soontobemumofthree]

I think you are right that his attitude towards you being pregnant is bad. Not worried to help you get through (what he is concerned will be) a hard time for you - worried how HE will be.

We got a puppy last year. Pregnant now. DH has done more looking after dog during this pregnancy. I enjoy pregnancy and this one is uncomplicated. However during first 3 months I was just so tired to walk the dog any significant distance and now with a big bump picking up ball/ dog poo seems like hard work! I get dizzy bending down. He also looked after children in mornings to allow me more sleep. I do pretty much everything else I would normally do around house, children, work - but the key thing is, if I wasn't or I was struggling my DH is absolutely prepared and happy to step in.

However saying he will have to "put up with" "the cunt" I think is really awful. A "joke" maybe, but with previous info - it is based on his expectations. You are not exaggerating.

[DrMorbius]

OP I am sure you are reading the responses to your post. There's an old Russian proverb. "If 3 people tell you, you are ill. Go and see a doctor".

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, Mide, but while calling your wife a cunt doesn't mean you're an animal, it does mean you're not a man that most women would want to be married to! Isn't she supposed to be someone you love and care for and cherish? Someone you want to protect, someone you love coming home to? And you call her a cunt? Really?

[hellsbellsmelons]

and sometimes directed at her
Unless it's in a jokey way then YES, it does make you some sort of animal.
My OH wouldn't even consider calling me or directing the word cunt at me.
He respects me - that's why!

[expatinscotland]

And don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy: that you have invested time and money so need to follow through and marry him. Far cheaper to get rid now than later.

Sorry, this person is showing you, and everyone else, who he really is.

He is paving the way to abuse you.

I'd look at where I could move, shared house, room, what have you.

And then tell him his attitude towards having a family and pregnancy mean it's over. And mean it.

He already has you minimising, and even your friends can see it.

[Rebecca2014]

Wow Mide just admitted he called his wife a cunt...ew why are you even on mumsnet?

I am now separated but my husband used to always call me a cunt, if a man ever called me that word he be out that door. I feel if a man uses that word he has lost all respect for you.

[ShrinkingViolet83]

I do think that you need to talk to your fiance about this but I'm not sure that you need to call off the wedding over this. The cunt comment was unacceptable but it sounds like a really really poorly judged joke. If he really is as kind as you say then I'm sure he didn't mean to humiliate you. My husband sometimes makes inappropriate jokes to cover up nervousness. He spent a lot of my (planned and wanted) pregnancy making jokes about not really wanting a baby because he was nervous about how things would change and about the risks to my health from being pregnant. He was amazing all through pregnancy and took fantastic care of me and he's now great with our daughter. So I suspect that your fiance's behaviour is a sign of nervousness but you should talk to him and make sure that he will step up and support you when you need him to. Pregnancy is hard and I couldn't have coped without my husband. I hope your fiance starts behaving a bit better soon.

[soontobemumofthree]

Mide7
Its the attitude though. Maybe these are not really comparable but I think of it like - what about when my DH had back pain? (thankfully now gone) I had to do larger share of things around house, was prepared to do more financial earning work if he hadn't been able to work. It also got him down, we faced potentially a different future than we had planned.

If I knew a time like that was coming again I would be concerned about what he will have to go through, painkillers etc. How we can plan to make it easier if possible. Not how I will have to suffer him being "a cock". Yes it impacts me but it wasn't me who had to go through it.

[Mide7]

All I was trying to say about the C word thing is, words can have different impacts for different people. I do call it her in a joking way because I know she doesn't have a problem with me using it. It's got nothing to do with lack of respect. I use words/ phrases/ voice opinions to my partner that I wouldn't dream of saying to other people because I know she knows me well enough to take them how they are meant.
Also without trying to offend more people, is there generational differences with the C word? I know women who use it more than me, that are in there 20s and early 30s. I also know it's the worst thing you could say to my mum.

[Hippymama1]

Since DH found out I was pregnant his first instinct has been to do everything he can to make sure both I and his unborn baby are happy and comfortable. That's how it's supposed to be.

This ^ from OTheHugeManatee

Right up until the C* comment I was ready to post that maybe he is just apprehensive and it is worth taking a bit more time for your relationship before starting a family until you both feel more comfortable and ready but after that comment, I would seriously be considering a future with this man.

My DH would NEVER, EVER speak to me, or about me like that, nor me to or about him. It is an unacceptable way to speak to your partner in life and to treat your future spouse and mother of your child. No wonder your friends were shocked - they should be! It's disgusting.

Pregnant women can be hard work... I have been hard work at times but when I am having a sobbing fit for some silly reason, or being grumpy for no reason in particular, my DH just cuddles me and tells me everything will be ok. The man is a saint. He knows that it is a temporary state of affairs, that I am normally a sane human being and that I can't help being a bit random at the moment because I am heavily pregnant and sometimes it's not that great.

We are working together to build our family - fair enough at the moment I am doing the heavy lifting but it is a team effort and once the baby arrives, we will need each other more than ever. If you don't think you would get the same level of support from your DP then I am afraid you have some quite serious thinking to do.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

I had HG twice, my husband did 100% of the housework, cooking, childcare etc and never uttered a word of complaint. If this man is so horrified at the prospect of hormones wreaking havoc during pregnancy, would he offer any support if you had post-natal depression? Pregnancy, newborn babies and young children are hard work (worth it, obviously) and he needs to be on board and fully supportive. He needs to accept he will have less money, less free time and that he will have to prioritise your needs and the baby's needs over his own a lot of the time - and he needs to do this willingly, ungrudgingly and happily because he wants to. Is he ready to be a family and to take responsibility? He doesn't really sound like he is.

[specialsubject]

it's not a matter of one word, it is the attitudes behind it. He doesn't seem to see a problem and everything has to be his way or no way.

I know it is hard to hear bad news; but if this man is not prepared to compromise on anything, what kind of life is that?

he sounds like something out of a Martina Cole book.

I wish you the best; but I think you won't get it with this man.

[flora717]

Although "cunt" is an awful disgusting term to sling out about your partner. What chilled me more was "the". Yuck. He's dehumanised you/ pregnant women/ mothers. He doesn't seem to want to support a partner and start a family. Pregnancy seems to be some awful horror/ burden for him in order to get children.
"The" suggests an interchangeable person. Of course he wouldn't want a name from your heritage. It sounds as though you (and all the things that make you) are irrelevant, he envisages his family.

[Rebecca2014]

I cannot imagine any man calling his wife the c word in a joking manner, it makes me cringe. "Your such a cunt!! hahaha"

When I hear women use the c word it is to insult someone "Oh that guy such a cunt." It is a negative word.

I am sensitive to the c word as my sbeh used to call me that word on a regular basis. OP did not like the fact she was called the c word by her husband, that is all that matters in this thread.

OP maybe counselling would be the right route for you? I cannot judge your relationship by what you said but I would be wary of having a baby with this man for the time being.

[DrMorbius]

Mide7 - if your were at a friend's house for dinner would your refer to your partner as "the c*nt" and gesture to her?.

Later if she confronted you about being upset would you brushed her off?.

[Jackiebrambles]

Good god OP.

'The cunt'. Christ no, just absolutely NO!

This is a man who should be cherishing you as his wife to be, and excited about starting your life together.

But no, he's moaning about 'hormones' 'work' and calling you 'The cunt' in front of your friends. So he'll do that in company, what the actual fuck will he do when you are pregnant, vulnerable etc and in the privacy of your home.

Its documented that pregnancy can escalate abuse in relationships.

Do not marry this man. He's telling you who he is - a grade A bastard.

[Mide7]

Context is everything tho isn't it Rebecca? You have a problem with it because of past history with it. Which I totally understand, your partner should also understand that and never use it. I have a problem with being called fat or stupid because of history with those labels. I'm not defending OP's partner for using it but am genuinely surprised at the strength of feeling.

OP's partner sounds scared shitless and I think she needs to talk to him but I don't believe it's as bad as it's made out to be.

[Hoppinggreen]

Kind and sweet men do not use that word to describe their partner.
In many cases domestic abuse starts during pregnancy and he is giving you a taste of that now.
You need to call off the wedding and get out now or you will be on here in a couple of years complaining of EA at least and possibly more.
You should actually be glad he has shown his true colours now before you are married or pregnant.

[Hoppinggreen]

Oh and I have been a semi psychotic hormonal mess 3 times and my DH has never worried about the extra " work" or called me names, because he loves and respects me .

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

It's possibly my pregnancy hormones but this thread has really upset me. My DH has been amazing so far and I'm only in week 8. Early pregnancy is harder than I thought it would be, I can't imagine how hard it would be with an unsupportive husband. Please rethink marrying this man.

[Lipsync]

Jesus, it's depressing to hear some women going along with the misogynistic 'pregnant women are hysterical, moany hard work' stereotype. Some women undoubtedly have a physical tough time with SPD/HG etc, and need significant extra help, just as some women doubtless have behaviour changes because of hormonal changes.

However, many of us deal with both while remaining rational human beings without being 'hard work'. I had averagely bothersome sickness for several months and agonising SPD, but I still commuted internationally and finished a book which won a major academic prize, and I have no claims to being superwoman. And there is zero clinical evidence for 'baby brain'.

OP, yes, the statistics about DV beginning in pregnancy are concerning. Take what people are saying here very seriously. Please don't rush into marriage and a child with a man who displays such dismaying levels of selfishness, contempt and resentment towards women. If you had been your friend at the dinner, and your friend's partner had referred to her as a cunt, what would you have felt? How would you be advising her?

[theDudesmummy]

I am sorry but I don't think you should stay with a man who will call you that in front of friends AND who has such a juvenile/stereotyped and selfish attitude to pregnancy. Pregnancy does not turn you into something you are not, it might just mean that you need a bit of extra consideration from time to time. Like if you were ill, or injured, or had to do something that you needed help with. Wth that attitude, what will happen if you are ever ill, or need help at any stage in your life?

I think he has told you very clearly what he thinks of you and your needs, as well as his wider attitude to women. Please do not marry him and have childrem with him. Get out now while it is relatively much easier.