Worried about fiancé's attitude to pregnancy

[Brouhaha9]

Hi all, I've been with my fiancé for 4.5 years. He is very kind, sweet, and honest and we both always knew we wanted kids when we were married and have talked about it. We're due to get married in September and over the past number of months I've noticed a really horrible attitude towards how I will be when I get pregnant. I feel that he wants the child when it comes out at the end but is dreading having to deal with a crazy hormonal lady in between. It's a side I've never seen in him and I am genuinely worried I won't get the support I need from him when I need it most. Examples:

We talked about when we would start trying for a baby. I wanted to start as soon as we were married - I am excited to start our family and we're in a good position financially and have just bought a house. He said "not until a year after we're married, I want to enjoy being married for a while without having to deal with you being all hormonal for 9 months". Obviously I found this hurtful and told him so but he didn't seem to see what he said wrong. If he'd said he wanted to enjoy our married life together before the stress of having a newborn I'd understand but he put the emphasis on me being hormonal as the thing he wanted to avoid. I'm also 31 and while I still have plenty of time I don't know why we need to wait as we will have been together almost 5 years by the wedding.

Our neighbours in our new street have the cutest dog. I've always wanted a dog and suggested getting a puppy at some stage. He said "No way. When you're pregnant I'll have to do all the work". What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to resent having to do the odd extra chore when I'm 9 months pregnant and struggling to get up?

Here's the big one. We went to my best friend's house for dinner on Saturday night. We were talking about the wedding and babies came up. My friend asked about baby names and if we would use Irish names (I'm Irish and he's Scottish - all my family have very Irish names). I said I would love to, he said no way. I said we'd have to discuss it, and my friend commented that she thought it was sweet that her dad let her mum choose all of the names because of all she'd gone through with the pregnancy. My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the c*nt for 9 months" and gestured to me. Everyone at the table fell silent and my friend's boyfriend said "That's not on". I was humiliated.

What do I do? I've been really shocked at this behaviour and when I confronted him he brushed me off as though I was exaggerating. We're due to get married and start a family but I'm really genuinely worried.

Dr morbius, no I wouldn't. Not because of my partners response because I know she'd take it as intended but because I wouldn't know how everyone else within ear shot would take it.

But if she confronted me later on about, no I wouldn't brush it off and if she had a problem with it, I wouldn't use it... Because I respect her.

Unlike a number of others here I think all his comments were massively out of order.

As others have said, he is telling you who he is. His feelings are more important. Him supporting you is not something he is prepared to do. He isn't in this relationship together. And the hormonal remarks is just plain misogyny, reinforced by calling you a cunt.

Perhaps take a look at the rest of your relationship and you may be surprised at the clues he is giving you about how he needs to come first.

I agree with a lot of the pp here. He is showing you how he will be. He's letting you know that the pregnancy will be down to you to handle. As soon as you feel sick, or tired, or don't even once take the cup out to the kitchen, or fold the laundry the second the dryer finishes; he'll say, "See, pregnant and rubbish". And you'll bust a gut to show him you haven't changed, not a bit, I can still do it all, having a human growing inside me won't change me at all...

But it does change you. It changes everything. Not just your body, but your brain, your personality. Ten minutes after you have your baby you don't just ping back into who you were before. Honestly, you think you will (and it will all be the same as before), but a massive shift happens.

That's normal and natural. You both have to be on the same page about it. And I bet he won't like not being the centre of your universe anymore.

Like many on here, I've been there and got the T-shirt. The scales fell from my eyes when ExP said "You're not breast feeding DC3 as it fucks your body for another year". Meaning for him. After 6 years of shit, it was the final straw. The house was on the market ten days later (and I BF DD3 for 14 months).

And it's all just about him, isn't it - he will have to do more work, he will have to put up with a moany, hormonal woman etc. Poor him.

OP, how about at least putting the wedding plans on hold and telling him exactly why? Though, personally, I would not consider getting married to such a man.

This is interesting on 'crazy hormonal pregnant women' ... Not written by me, btw!

mide from your last post can you not see how the two situations are totally different though?

When around friends I can swear like a trooper and we can call each other all sorts, its all friendly and taken in good humour, it's not always a horrific act of abuse. Like you say, context is important. I personally wouldn't like my partner to call me a cunt under any circumstances but that's just our relationship dynamic.

If you can't see from the context the OP has described why most posters are shocked and angry I'd be very surprised!

Being afraid and upset can be a cause for bad behaviour, true, but to not accept that you have behaved badly over what at present is a purely hypothetical situation is a big red flag about future behaviour.

I agree that becoming a father is an emotional strain too and to expect a man to keep all of his feelings bottled up is unfair, but what the OPs partner said is totally uncalled for. Pregnancy doesn't make all women crazed harpies for 9 months and anyone who holds on to that unwavering opinion is being sexist, narrowminded and unsupportive. None of which most people look for in a partner.

Good God, OP.
the cunt?!
I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a position.
I'm agreeing with pp saying he is setting the groundwork.
I try to avoid giving LTB advice.
As a woman, a mother, a sister and a friend, I cannot think of anything else to say other than cut your losses.
Five years is nothing compared to the hell of an EA relationship and divorce with children you're facing.
Big hug.

Attila is sadly so very, very right about abusive men choosing strong women because they're a challenge. I feel sick just thinking back.

Skiptonlass Totally agree. One of my friends (gynae) married a man who has reduced her to a nervous wrack. When I told her on her wedding day it isn't too late to run and she went straight to him and told him what I said.
5 years of silence. Now she is back in touch because of what she has gone through and because no one believes he is such a shit (Mr. Nice). When I saw her my heart broke. A shadow of herself doesn't begin to describe her.

Bahh Really?!
No. Just no.

Mide, where do your partner's boundaries lie in terms of how you speak to her? What sort of thing that you could say would be enough to make her go?

I think that is a really chilling way of referring to the person you're due to marry. Not even a cunt. The cunt. That's so othering and hateful :(

I agree with most of the other posters I'm afraid OP. I don't think you should marry this man.

As the old adage on here goes - when a person tells you who they are; listen.

A lot of domestic violence starts in pregnancy. I do think some men either cannot cope with the changes involved in having a child or they exploit the vulnerability of a woman who is pregnant.

Agreed.

This man already resents you over a theoretical pregnancy, going by some bizarre 1970s sexist pig idea that all pregnant women are crazy and hormonal and make their husband's lives hell.

I mean, WTF? That is not normal.

You know I had some similar doubts about my fiancé a few years ago. I came on here and someone told me that often men start to become abusive when their wives get pg and this can escalate after the birth.

I laughed. I honestly thought they were barking mad.

ExH put me through the worst couple of years of my life and left me for someone else when my baby was a few months old.

We're now divorced and dealing with him is like dealing with a psycho stranger.

Please don't ignore these signs.

It all sounds very worrying. Sounds as if he has very negative thoughts towards preganancy and children. I do agree with him about the dog though. A newborn plus new dog wouldn't be ideal for me either.

All stopped yes I can see the situation is different, very different. Like I said before I'm genuinely shocked at the strength of feeling about it. I can definitely see why everyone is so shocked by his behaviour and I'm not defending him but to say this is the start of abuse or his real feelings coming out before OP has had an honest discussion with her partner is, IMO wrong.

I'm glad you agree that there is a strain for the man to. While I'd never say it's as difficult for the man, I have huge admiration and respect for my partner for the way she dealt with pregnancy and labour. It's not always sunshine and roses for the man, particularly if it's their first. Your expected to be there to support your partner ( as it should be), take on different roles in the relationship all the while your going through this massive change as well. Who supports the partner? I can ask on one hand the amount of time people asked about me while she was pregnant, I was scared shitless at the time.
And of course it doesn't make all women crazy. Any generalisation in life is risky but it does make SOME women difficult even if it's only temporarily.

Do not have kids with a man who has referred to you as a c##t!
As pp gave stated, there are red flags here, don't ignore them.

Imperial blether I'd never comment on her looks, intelligence or parenting in a negative way. I'm sure there are other things to but that's off the top of my head

I agree, I was ok with the comments until the C word was used. That word is disgusting and to use it about anyone is bad but the person you are due to marry and at a table of your friends unforgivable!

it genuinely is out of character

No.

It is not out of character. It is just part of a character you have yet to discover - the character of a man who cant bear not being center stage, who cant be supportive when it counts, who has not had to be a supportive husband and father.

So far you have just been breezing along as a happy couple without responsibilities and chores. You can see glimpses of your future as a family now.

Mide, I understand what you say about it being an age-related issue to some extent in that older women are far less likely to use it as an insult. I do think though that to call your partner a cunt is a really horrible thing to do, don't you, if you thought about it now?

This is a red flag.

I suspect you will ignore it.

I know that you will live to regret it.

There is no way you can go on to have a happy, loving, mutually supportive relationship into old age with someone who calls you a cunt, before you're even married.

This is not normal.

I have never been called a cunt by anyone. Not DH. Not by any of my exes, not by a family member. Not by a friend, and not even by someone I don't get on with.

Imperial, it can be yes, which I've never doubted but for me it depends on the context. In the context of the OP yes it sounds like a disgusting thing to say but without knowing the relationship I think it's difficult to say.

For example, my partner asked me if it was cold this morning when I got out of the shower( I'm male if you hadn't already guessed). Written down here that could sound like abuse but in the context of our relationship and my own hang ups, I knew how to take it.

Are you really sure he WANTS to have children?
Maybe he is just going along with what YOU want, and is feeling more and more resentful?

I wouldn't be with someone who called me a cunt.
End of.
Don't care about drinking.
No.
He called you a cunt!!!
Dump him.

Me neither. It's a sackable offence.

Another who thought no big deal until the cunt comment which is truly bizarre.

I think, before getting carried away or making any rash decisions you need to speak to him. I'll be honest, talking so much about pregnancy before it happens can be irritating to a lot of people. It's a sort of "just get on with it" thing although of course it's understandable you're so excited.

For example, my partner asked me if it was cold this morning when I got out of the shower( I'm male if you hadn't already guessed). Written down here that could sound like abuse but in the context of our relationship and my own hang ups, I knew how to take it

I'm confused. Your partner asked you if it was cold, as in your penis was looking small? I can't think of any situation where that could be interpreted as abuse.

Unbelievable.

I can't believe you are still planning on marrying him. Marriage isn't easy. When you build a life with someone, you plan to support each other and love each other. You promise to look after each other and make each other's life better. But life isn't always easy. What if an accident left you injured or disabled one day Pregnancy is hard on a woman and the man should support. But it's also wonderful and temporary. If he's acting like this about pregnancy, what would he be like as a father? What will he be like if any of you get sick?

He is showing you who he is. He might be lovely and sweet when life is easy but you need someone who is your strength and support when it isn't.

The 'cunt' comment is inexcusable.