Worried about fiancé's attitude to pregnancy

[Brouhaha9]

Hi all, I've been with my fiancé for 4.5 years. He is very kind, sweet, and honest and we both always knew we wanted kids when we were married and have talked about it. We're due to get married in September and over the past number of months I've noticed a really horrible attitude towards how I will be when I get pregnant. I feel that he wants the child when it comes out at the end but is dreading having to deal with a crazy hormonal lady in between. It's a side I've never seen in him and I am genuinely worried I won't get the support I need from him when I need it most. Examples:

We talked about when we would start trying for a baby. I wanted to start as soon as we were married - I am excited to start our family and we're in a good position financially and have just bought a house. He said "not until a year after we're married, I want to enjoy being married for a while without having to deal with you being all hormonal for 9 months". Obviously I found this hurtful and told him so but he didn't seem to see what he said wrong. If he'd said he wanted to enjoy our married life together before the stress of having a newborn I'd understand but he put the emphasis on me being hormonal as the thing he wanted to avoid. I'm also 31 and while I still have plenty of time I don't know why we need to wait as we will have been together almost 5 years by the wedding.

Our neighbours in our new street have the cutest dog. I've always wanted a dog and suggested getting a puppy at some stage. He said "No way. When you're pregnant I'll have to do all the work". What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to resent having to do the odd extra chore when I'm 9 months pregnant and struggling to get up?

Here's the big one. We went to my best friend's house for dinner on Saturday night. We were talking about the wedding and babies came up. My friend asked about baby names and if we would use Irish names (I'm Irish and he's Scottish - all my family have very Irish names). I said I would love to, he said no way. I said we'd have to discuss it, and my friend commented that she thought it was sweet that her dad let her mum choose all of the names because of all she'd gone through with the pregnancy. My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the c*nt for 9 months" and gestured to me. Everyone at the table fell silent and my friend's boyfriend said "That's not on". I was humiliated.

What do I do? I've been really shocked at this behaviour and when I confronted him he brushed me off as though I was exaggerating. We're due to get married and start a family but I'm really genuinely worried.

Really seaoflove?

So if I said to my partner that she was fat repeatedly causing her to have a hang up on her weight, that wouldn't be emotional abuse?

No, Mide, it doesn't sound like abuse.

What's repeatedly telling your partner she's fat got to do with you suffering the after effects of a shower, ffs? Do you think they're on a par?

Fair enough and that's one of the reasons why emotional abuse is so difficult to talk about and to quantify because the term means difficult things to different people.

For me, causing someone to have self esteem issues and or hang ups on certain things is emotional abuse

I was trying to give an example of context. Obviously I didn't express myself very well. If my partner continually commented on a certain aspects of my appearance in a negative manner, belittling me and eroding my self esteem then to me that is emotional abuse.

But in the dynamics of our relationship then the comment has no effect.

Brouhaha9

Calling someone a c**t is the lowest of the low.

What would concern me is that whether its a good or bad pregnancy, when that lovely little bundle comes along, it is often very hard work and can cause utter exhaustion. It really does blows the pregnancy bit in to insignificance, and will really test his metal.

Is he Glaswegian?

Mide, I think you're so eager to demonstrate ways in which calling your partner a cunt isn't abusive (because you and your partner say "abusive" things to each other jokingly) you're completely derailing the thread.

I agree, I'll be quiet

I spend a lot of time abroad and each time I come back to the UK I notice that it's more and more acceptable to use the word cunt in all sorts of social circles in the UK. I've only recently started using MN and you see it all the time on here. People I know who I would never think would use the word in the past now do (men and women).

I would be very surprised if this sudden, repeated mentioning of what a nightmare it's going to be when you're pregnant is not some sort of feedback from a friend or colleague who has said from his experience pregnant women are a nightmare and they wish they'd had a bit more time to enjoy married life before getting pregnant - I've heard a few men make that comment in the pub to be honest.

The fact that he's taken it on board so fully and is dismissive of how much it upsets you is, however, a worry - how he handles your discussion of your concerns from here on should be an indicator of whether he's totally on your side and you are a team, or whether you need to end this relationship and meet someone else.

Is he Glaswegian? umm what difference does that make Arsenic?

I actually do agree with Mide7 in that commenting on his "shrinkage" could be funny or it could be horrible. Their relationship seems to be characterised by affectionate teasing and the kind of insults that are only funny because both partners know the other one doesn't mean it. I think he's already admitted that in the context of the OP's relationship and the way it was used it is a whole other kettle of stinking fish.

I don't think it matters that many women aren't hormonal/hard work while pregnant. The fact is, OP, you might be. You might have a really hard pregnancy. You might feel upset, scared, ill. And you will have to deal with his attitude when that happens - so would you be too scared to complain about vomiting for the 3rd time that day? Would you hesitate to ask him to do extra things because you're exhausted? If you're feeling scared and teary, would you go and hide and cry instead of leaning on him, because you're worried about his attitude and reactions?

My worry is that it's not uncommon for pregnancy to be a catalyst for some men to start abusing their partners, and if he already resents you as a pregnant woman when you're not even pregnant yet then that's a really, really bad sign.

If he can't cope with the thought of living with a pregnant woman, there's no way he would cope with living with a new born or toddler. Babies cry. A lot. They have lots of stuff which takes over the house. Housework comes second to the baby and sleeping. Toddlers are loud, unreasonable and destructive beings who want to touch and play with everything. Nothing is sacred if they can get their hands on it. I've yet to meet a parent whose child hasn't found a pen and redecorated a wall. They throw up on sofas, carpets and their parents.

And by the time they are teens, the toddler stage seems a breeze. Really. I've never seen such a tip as my teens,bedroom. And teen girls are hormonal bitches and it goes on for years. I don't know what boys are like but no doubt just as much fun.

Do you think he can cope with being a parent? It's bloody hard work. There is no easy stage. My ex is an ex because he couldn't cope with the noise and mess of kids and my inability to make them shut up so he took it out on my home and me.

Perhaps, Mide7, just stop calling your partner a cunt? Just a thought and all.

Marrying this man would be a mistake.
Having children with him would be monumentally stupid.
Cut your losses and get out now.

I did say I'd be quiet I know and i will but as I've been referred to directly.

Why should I stop calling it her? Because some people on the internet thinks it's the lowest of the low? While my partner doesn't have a problem with it.

Agree with all the pp regards to misogyny/bad attitude to pregnant women/ couldn't cope not being center of attention. I'd worry about setting my life up with someone who had these issues and would really reconsider.

Me and my partner use cunt and a whole array of expletives, we both use the term 'soft cunt/cheeky cunt' day to day, neither of us has ever called one another 'the cunt' at any point though, and we are people who don't find the word as cutting as most people. I wouldn't be bothered being called a soft/cheeky cunt in a playful way but I would object to be called a cunt while eating with friends. Being called 'the cunt' by him would result in a non-hormonal induced rage(and I'm pregnant). I'm sure I've called my OH a cheeky cunt when asked to make a cup of tea or something trivial but it is really said with love (and I've made the tea).

If you have previously expressed disgust at the word it's completely unacceptable to call you one when you have company. At the worst it's an attempt to humiliate you in front of your friends at best it's a poor and misguided attempt at shock value/insult humor which the one you love shouldn't bear the brunt of. It's the sort of derogatory humor you save for your mates in the pub, eg your one hard done by mate who is always the butt of everybody's jokes. If that's the case he would be too thick and socially inept for my standards.

If he thinks your over reacting and hasn't apologised he obviously thinks this behavior is acceptable, what else does he find acceptable?

Sounds like a cunt to me.

I had no idea people felt so strongly about the word cunt.

Well carry on calling her a cunt then, if you are comfortable about it. You are the one on here desperate to defend calling your wife names.

Tbh any name calling in that situation would be completely out of order justonemoretime2p.

Completely agree scallops, I'm just surprised by some of the comments about the word. :/

OP, I'm a man and two things jumped out at me from your first post:

1. Your fiancé has a very strange and warped view of pregnancy. Surely, as in lots of other things in life, women's reactions and attitude towards pregnancy are as varied and different as women themselves. The (entirely wrong) idea that because you are a woman you will have a particular negative reaction to pregnancy is pretty offensive and misogynistic. If you are being as tolerant as it's possible to be, you might convince yourself that perhaps he is very inexperienced around pregnancy and has had some very bad examples of pregnancy in his past which have led him to hold such strange opinions.

1. His comment at the party is really, really disgusting (and makes me much less inclined to give him any benefit of the doubt in 1). I think you need to be very careful before going any further with this man. He is telling you something very serious and unpleasant about himself here. And I don't think your concerns should be limited to worrying about whether he will give you the support you need during a future pregnancy. I do hope you are able to find a way through all this.

*I would call him on it and tell him you don't ever want to hear such opinions again. I'd say that you have serious doubts about raising children with someone who can't even contemplate pregnancy with anything other than selfish negativity.

If his response is not 'Oh fuck, I'm so sorry, I was being a dick' then leave.*

This is the conversation to have.

He may well have been a lovely boyfriend. He knows how to meet modern boyfriend expectations. His understanding of the role agrees with yours.

But it sounds like he sees the roles and interactions of husband and wife as completely different. He is sliding into his new role right before your eyes, and as others have said, 'grooming' you into accepting his expectations. Despite anything he ever said before, he might actually see parenting very differently as well. How does he speak of other people children of varying ages. Is that as different as his previous kind and supportive boyfriend is to his current expectations as father to be?

He might yet save himself, if you force the opportunity on him. He may not actually realise he is turning into a horrible person. Dont keep brushing this off as nerves. Demand he own up to his nastiness. If he can see it, you have a chance. If he can't, you have your warning.

I wasn't try to defend anything scallops, all I was trying to say was it's difficult to get context on a forum. Perhaps OP's partner thought that was acceptable and she needs to discuss his use of the phrase and his attitude to pregnancy before labelling him the lowest of the low and calling off the wedding.