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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable...but is this my fault?

137 replies

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 16:43

I feel like I can't cope with my DP anymore, and I don't know if this is a problem that I have, or that he has.

In a nutshell, on an almost daily basis, I feel messed about by my DP. However, his view is that I get too worried about things and that I am unfair on him.

Here's the sort of things that happen:

  • DP will tell me he is travelling abroad with work a few days before doing so and will give me incorrect details. ie flight time, when he is home, potential for the trip to be extended. I have told him many times that him not being clear about these things means my everyday life is uprooted. Ie. if I make plans as a couple for X weekend, then find out last minute he's not here and have to make excuses with friends etc...even after he has apparently 'confirmed' with me. I will say to friends with confidence that DP and I can't make this weekend, for instance, thinking DP has been clear cut on this, and it turns out later that he just neglected to be specific. I am ALWAYS supportive of his job and understand that things change...but I just want to be informed as and when that happens.
  • Another regular thing... DP and I will agree to something ie dinner on Friday, drinks with friends, going to visit parents etc. A couple of days before, if something comes up at work or he wants to go out with a friend etc etc, he will deny all knowledge of our conversation, or he will twist it to make it sound like we hadn't actually organised something and finalised it. ie it wasnt a DEFINITE plan. He will usually be apologetic and usually he only wants to change the plan because he's simply forgotten another commitment... it never seems to be malicious, and when we do spend time together, he is generally loving and caring. Frustrating nonetheless.
  • When I feel he isn't telling me the whole story (which is often), I can usually tell. Last week I was unwell and he kept asking if I had my period. It was a strange thing to ask and he kept putting it into texts, in the middle of other conversation about whether I was feeling better. It turns out he wanted to ask if I thought I could be pregnant. This is a man who is nearly 30, and I found it incredibly frustrating to have to read into what he was asking in texts, and then clarify with him - are you worried I am pregnant? It often feels like I am in a relationship with someone still at school.
  • DP has an excuse for everything. He forgot is a very regular excuse. He seems to forget everything and it's his excuse for all of the above. Another excuse is that he didnt have time to tell me something. No time, and no memory, apparently.
  • If I get cross about the above, DP will react by saying I am being unfair, he will become aggressive and shout and say he can't be arsed etc. and put the phone down on me. He will often ignore the issue and he seems to apologise because he knows socially-speaking he probably should, but not because he truly means it, if that makes sense. Truth be told, I'm not sure he understands why I get so frustrated... I think he genuinely thinks how he acts is ok.

Having said all this, DP can be very lovely to me. When we are spending time together, we get on so well and he;'s quite thoughtful. All of this is just driving me a bit crazy, though.

Recently he's made me second-guess myself...Am I in the wrong here? Am I asking too much of him? I've just never been with such a 'difficult' person, in the sense that every conversation and every plan etc seems to cause a big problem with him, and his answer is to blame me by saying I am unfair on him and too stressy. I am stressy BECAUSE of this...it seems to go round in circles.

Is he right that I am bringing this on myself?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2015 16:52

How long have you been together?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re your comment:-
"It often feels like I am in a relationship with someone still at school".

No. Even schoolboys would not act like this. And that comment too is an insult to schoolboys. Emotionally abusive men instead behave like your man does.

Its not you, its him and he is not going to change. He seems to actively take some perverse pleasure out of gaslighting you; no wonder you feel like you are going mad. He will truly mess with your head and he is doing a bang up job of doing this thus far.

This is not and never has been a relationship of equals.

Original poster
whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 16:54

Attila thanks for your reply.

I have started feeling like I am losing my mind a bit recently..especially when he forgets all knowledge of something we talked about, I start to question myself!

He's a lovely man though, aside from this. I don't think he is doing it on purpose at all...I think it is neglect, rather than intent, if that makes sense? For that reason I dont think he takes pleasure in seeing me wound up/confused/upset. I think he genuinely think it's ok and that I'm just too stressy?

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 16:56

Isn't the MN term for this gaslighting Confused

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 12/05/2015 16:56

If the situation is as you tell it in your OP, then no, it's not your fault. He is either very unreliable and arrogant enough to not accept that, or he is gaslighting you and taking perverse pleasure out of doing it.

Either way, you have to decide if you can live with it. If you showed him your post, how do you think he'd react?

SolidGoldBrass · 12/05/2015 16:58

He is doing it on purpose. He wants you crushed, scared, obedient and focussed on nothing but pleasing him. He also wants to percieve himself as a tremendously special free spirit who cannot be controlled. You don't really exist as a person to him, you are a prop to his ego, or an accessory.

Do you live with him, have children with him? If not, dump him immediately. If you do, start making plans to dump him. This relationship will get worse, not better.

Original poster
whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 16:59

loveisagirl If I showed the post he would say that it wasn't a fair reflection of the situation. He would claim he had done nothing intentionally, that he didnt want to upset me...he would ask me why I dont think of all the nice things he has done, say he is sorry.

I often think he is just too selfish to think about the consequences of being so 'forgetful' and not having enough time.

In isolation, the things he does would be ok as a one off..hence why if he told a friend a scenario then they would probably say it's no big deal...but when it's every week (at a minimum) that something like this happens...that's what I can;t cope with.

OP posts:
TurnOverTheTv · 12/05/2015 17:00

Gaslighting for sure!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2015 17:00

He is not a lovely man at all, he is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

He blames you for being cross when he has given you incorrect information, that is not what a lovely man ever does.

Have you also noticed that your social circle has diminished somewhat since meeting?. That is his doing.

He is an emotional manipulator (what he is doing to you is all a part of that overall process) and you stay with him at all at your own emotional peril. He wants you to be a robot to him, never underestimate the damage such men can do.

I warn you now, it will take you a long time to get over this and you need to extricate yourself from this relationship now. Not in three months time, now.

Original poster
whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 17:01

solidgoldbrass thanks for your post.

I honeslty dont think it is intentional... I think he is just a bit too selfish to think through his actions. I get so cross/angry that I dont know why he would do it intentionally? When we are together he is loving towards me and caring. He just cant seem to get this part of the relationship right :(

OP posts:
Whatthebobbins · 12/05/2015 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 17:04

whatthebobbins he doesnt come across as controlling generally. if i want to do something, he will accomodate, and he is generous when we go out etc. I just dont understand why he doesnt see that this 'forgetfulness' and lack of ability to be straightforward with me is so draining on me and my own personal life.

OP posts:
DuncanQuagmire · 12/05/2015 17:04

" he will deny all knowledge of our conversation, or he will twist it to make it sound like we hadn't actually organised something "

yeh I did not get much further than that tbh before deciding your partner sounds like an idiot.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 17:04

This person is a gaslighting twat.

Original poster
whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 17:05

duncan I dont think it is malicious, though, and that's why I feel so confused :( I think he maybe has genuinely forgot.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2015 17:05

Do not show him any of your posts; you need a safe outlet and counsel from people who do not know you.

He's only sorry that you are perhaps waking up to the fact that he is infact abusive. He has shown you no real remorse whatsoever.

Whatthebobbins · 12/05/2015 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2015 17:07

"I dont think it is malicious, though, and that's why I feel so confused sad I think he maybe has genuinely forgot".

It is malicious and no he did not forget. Its all designed to control you and drive you mad. He has made you feel confused and sad; what he has done here has worked. That is why he does this as well.

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 17:08

If his memory is this bad then I would advise him to seek medical attention OP.

However I am sticking with gaslighting.

Jan45 · 12/05/2015 17:09

Could he be slightly autistic? Either way I couldn't stand being with someone who is basically intent on having their own way all the time, not to mention pissing me about with arrangements, deal breaker.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/05/2015 17:10

If he is Gaslighting or if he is genuinely forgetful, I cant tell.

What id do is tackle it with "clearly you forget what we plan. Here is a giant wallplanner. Whenever stuff gets written on, we both initial it. Then we both know whats going on" - if he gives a shit about you and helping sort this then he will agree to it and it will work.

If he refuses etc, then he is a Gaslighter for sure.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/05/2015 17:10

You don't need this. I won't even try and guess where that sort of behaviour comes from. Just picture years, decades of this crazy making see- whatsyourtune -dance-when-I-tug-the-strings mindfuckery. The nice and lovely times are what keep you hooked.

magoria · 12/05/2015 17:10

Yep you are bringing it on yourself.

If you stay with a man who basically doesn't give a shit about you, your plans etc apart from when he wants to that is what you get.

You cannot change him. All you can do is change yourself. You decide you deserve better and leave or stay put and accept he is never going to bother to care enough about you.

And let's be honest in today's age of modern technology there is no excuse to 'forget' or not drop a quick text if you make an error about dates etc. Unless you don't care enough to bother...

Octopush13 · 12/05/2015 17:10

whatsyourtune this sounds like my post nearly a year ago. It is emotional manipulation. Beware, listen with your heart, act with your head.

Whatthebobbins · 12/05/2015 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 17:11

Thanks everyone.

I understand what you are saying, and take it on board. I am just struggling with this whole idea that he knows what he is doing etc. I really don't think that he does. I think it boils down to neglect of the relationship, which is just as bad anyway, I guess.

It doesnt feel like he's trying to hurt me, but it does feel like he doesn't care that I am hurt when he behaves like this :(

OP posts: