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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable...but is this my fault?

137 replies

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 16:43

I feel like I can't cope with my DP anymore, and I don't know if this is a problem that I have, or that he has.

In a nutshell, on an almost daily basis, I feel messed about by my DP. However, his view is that I get too worried about things and that I am unfair on him.

Here's the sort of things that happen:

DP will tell me he is travelling abroad with work a few days before doing so and will give me incorrect details. ie flight time, when he is home, potential for the trip to be extended. I have told him many times that him not being clear about these things means my everyday life is uprooted. Ie. if I make plans as a couple for X weekend, then find out last minute he's not here and have to make excuses with friends etc...even after he has apparently 'confirmed' with me. I will say to friends with confidence that DP and I can't make this weekend, for instance, thinking DP has been clear cut on this, and it turns out later that he just neglected to be specific. I am ALWAYS supportive of his job and understand that things change...but I just want to be informed as and when that happens.

Another regular thing... DP and I will agree to something ie dinner on Friday, drinks with friends, going to visit parents etc. A couple of days before, if something comes up at work or he wants to go out with a friend etc etc, he will deny all knowledge of our conversation, or he will twist it to make it sound like we hadn't actually organised something and finalised it. ie it wasnt a DEFINITE plan. He will usually be apologetic and usually he only wants to change the plan because he's simply forgotten another commitment... it never seems to be malicious, and when we do spend time together, he is generally loving and caring. Frustrating nonetheless.

When I feel he isn't telling me the whole story (which is often), I can usually tell. Last week I was unwell and he kept asking if I had my period. It was a strange thing to ask and he kept putting it into texts, in the middle of other conversation about whether I was feeling better. It turns out he wanted to ask if I thought I could be pregnant. This is a man who is nearly 30, and I found it incredibly frustrating to have to read into what he was asking in texts, and then clarify with him - are you worried I am pregnant? It often feels like I am in a relationship with someone still at school.

DP has an excuse for everything. He forgot is a very regular excuse. He seems to forget everything and it's his excuse for all of the above. Another excuse is that he didnt have time to tell me something. No time, and no memory, apparently.

If I get cross about the above, DP will react by saying I am being unfair, he will become aggressive and shout and say he can't be arsed etc. and put the phone down on me. He will often ignore the issue and he seems to apologise because he knows socially-speaking he probably should, but not because he truly means it, if that makes sense. Truth be told, I'm not sure he understands why I get so frustrated... I think he genuinely thinks how he acts is ok.

Having said all this, DP can be very lovely to me. When we are spending time together, we get on so well and he;'s quite thoughtful. All of this is just driving me a bit crazy, though.

Recently he's made me second-guess myself...Am I in the wrong here? Am I asking too much of him? I've just never been with such a 'difficult' person, in the sense that every conversation and every plan etc seems to cause a big problem with him, and his answer is to blame me by saying I am unfair on him and too stressy. I am stressy BECAUSE of this...it seems to go round in circles.

Is he right that I am bringing this on myself?

OP posts:

CitySnicker · 12/05/2015 17:51

Invest in calendar and take him to GP for thyroid tests.

Original poster

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 17:53

joysmum if my DP kept me as informed as he kept his employers, we would be a very happy couple!! it just begins to feel so draining and so rubbish that i'm never in the loop, and when things change (as they seem to ALOT), I just get shouted at saying he forgot and it wasnt his fault.

I dont get it because i have such a hard job, that requires me to remember so many things and meet so many deadlines...how come i can still manage to find time to message him/update him/think of his life as well as mine? It doesnt make sense. I dont feel like it's that much of a big thing to do.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 12/05/2015 17:57

It isn't that much of a big thing OP and if Joysmum was happy to compromise it doesn't mean that you should.

From what you say an iPhone calendar would be just another thing for him to forget and he wouldn't update it anyway.

Duckdeamon · 12/05/2015 17:59

Gas lighting, selfishness, shouting, stonewalling, letting you down repeatedly. Yes, a real charmer

He has repeatedly shown and told you who he is and that he "can't be arsed" about you or your needs and wishes. He is not lovely and you will not be happy while you're with him.

Why are you staying with him?

It would be a gazillion times worse to be with this person long term, with DC.

OnlyLovers · 12/05/2015 18:00

if my DP kept me as informed as he kept his employers, we would be a very happy couple!!

There you go. He IS capable of remembering and informing people about things. He just doesn't feel he has to with you, and he feels so strongly that you should fit in with him that he shouts when you object to it.

Make your own plans and don't factor him in.

Original poster

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 18:03

duckdeamon if you saw how he was with me when we are together, you would see he is generous and loving and often thoughtful. he bought me flowers the other week, and helps out loads with cooking, washing up etc. he's not lazy like that or anything. This 'forgetting' and messing me about is the only real problem we have as a couple. as he often says when we fall out about this kind of thing...i should rememebr the lots of nice things he does. he is right, he does lots of nice things. i just wish he could be 100% respectful towards me when it comes to organising our life, and i wish he would appreciate that his neglecting to update me on things and his inability to fully recall our conversations, is so damaging to us and makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:

mojo17 · 12/05/2015 18:04

Being gaslighted (!) is a confusing experience,
He makes you feel loved and wanted etc and then hurt and upset and feeling as you're going mad
It's not a good relationship and it is hard to realise that the man you thought you loved is not this man before you now.
You have options
Give him a deadline to stop the unreasonable behaviour and stick to it
Why do t you take the line of just making plans for yourself and just letting him know if he wants to join you he can putting in writing every weekend
Or drop him completely end it now before it gets worse

DinosaursRoar · 12/05/2015 18:04

He forgets because you and your social life aren't important to him.

You are something to fit in round the important stuff. Not the important stuff.

You aren't compatable, this won't work long term and he's not someone someone like you should have a family with or settle down with.

flippinada · 12/05/2015 18:05

" if my DP kept me as informed as he kept his employers, we would be a very happy couple!! it just begins to feel so draining and so rubbish that i'm never in the loop, and when things change (as they seem to ALOT), I just get shouted at saying he forgot and it wasnt his fault."

Well, there is your answer.

He is either doing this intentionally to cause you distress, or he just doesn't care about you very much.

Either way, it's not good.

PBfingers · 12/05/2015 18:06

Not surprised you are drained from it all!

As other's have suggested maybe make your own plans, be a little more unavailable over the coming weeks and see if his behaviour towards you and your relationship changes.

It might well be some odd commitment-phobe issue working it's way out but he really shouldn't treat you like this all the time and not think anything of it.

mojo17 · 12/05/2015 18:06

And no this is definitely not your fault
Have you asked him how it could get better?
What steps does he want to make to make you feel less disrespected ?
It is a deal breaker

DinosaursRoar · 12/05/2015 18:07

oh and it doesn't matter how good the good points are, if the bad points are things you can't put up with.

It doesn't matter how often he buys flowers or helps round the house, if you can't put up with the 'forgetting you'.

Twinklestein · 12/05/2015 18:08

It's a bloody big problem though that affects a large proportion of your life.

He can remember flowers but nothing else apparently.

And cooking and washing up is a given of responsible adult life it shouldn't be seen as 'help'.

Duckdeamon · 12/05/2015 18:09

You are minimising the problems. Abusive men are nice sometimes. To keep you on the hook. If he was Into You and a good partner he wouldn't do the things he does.

ChangingTiming · 12/05/2015 18:11

Washing up and cooking are things he has to do anyway, so it's not him helping you, it's him being a grown up. If he is using these as examples they aren't very good examples.

Ask him if he wants a calender and you don't think you can love with him if he stays like this. If he reacts badly, there's your answer

Duckdeamon · 12/05/2015 18:12

Of course he bloody remembers the conversations and plans! Don't be naive and gullible about it. Would you believe a friend or work colleague frequently claiming to forget what was discussed or agreed? His approach (denial then anger) works very well for him, and he clearly doesn't care if it works for you.

flippinada · 12/05/2015 18:12

whats please re-read this:

"i just wish he could be 100% respectful towards me when it comes to organising our life, and i wish he would appreciate that his neglecting to update me on things and his inability to fully recall our conversations, is so damaging to us and makes me feel like shit."

He does realise that this upsets you. He is choosing to behave like this.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/05/2015 18:13

He's not your D "P". In no way does he sound like he feels he has to treat you like a partner

newstart15 · 12/05/2015 18:14

He could just be scatty but it's unlikely if he's good at detail in other areas - such as work or his hobbies. Does he forget his sporting events?

If not I have another theory - passive aggressive behaviour. Does he express his preference/anger/frustration with you in a healthy way? If it rings some bells then check out the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". In summary it explains how 'nice guys' use non positive behaviours to get their needs met. Rather than say "I don't want to go with you" he just forgets the invite.

Look back at situations where you haven't had the right level of communication from your partner - did he get the result that he wanted without having to debate it with you?

tippytap · 12/05/2015 18:14

Look, you've avoided answering the question explicitly, but have mentioned it briefly in one of your replies.

Your DP does not treat his employers like he does you.

He doesn't 'forget' meetings. Trips. Appointments.

This stuff is purely reserved for you.

Because, to him, you don't matter. He'll decide what he wants to do and will do it. Regardless.

Unless this is how you want to feel for the rest of your life, then leave him. Now.

He won't change, why would he? He does what he wants, when he wants and has you posting in an Internet forum thinking it's your fault somehow and wanting to know how you can change it!!!

Original poster

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 18:14

changingtiming he doesnt use them as examples, but i just mean that he is generally a good DP when we are spending time together. he's not nasty to me or anything.

i just cant work out his behaviour, and today, he told me to F-off because i was angry down the phone to him about another thing that had changed and he'd not told me.been honest until i interrogated him over it....and sinc ethen he has sent a text saying sorry he shouted and got cross, and that 'it will be ok.'

he is forever sending texts saying 'it will be ok' when im upset over something like this. how does he not get that it's actually NOT ok, and wont be ok because it's his treatment of me/apparent disregard to my feelings that upsets me, not the actual change of plan!!!

OP posts:

SanityClause · 12/05/2015 18:16

Go on the basis that he will never change (because he won't).

Do you want to be living like this in 10 years time? 20?

If you can cope with it, and still be happy, fine. If you can't, then I suggest you find someone who does care enough about you to keep you in the loop.

Stuffofawesome · 12/05/2015 18:16

Anyone making travel bookings will have a confirmation email which would take seconds to forward to you. He isn't forgetting.

Original poster

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 18:17

tippytap yes he is 100% on form with work and would never do this at work, ever.

I dont 100% think it is my fault, but i just feel so confused as to why he would treat me like this then apologise, and say he loves me etc and wants us to be ok...if he keeps doing thigs that make things hard for us as a couple? it doesnt make sense, so i resort to thniking that perhaps it is me :( im just so confused by it and fed up

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsyourtune · 12/05/2015 18:20

newstart15 your post is interesting....my DP dislikes actually SAYING things how they are, and likes to be the nice guy. I dont know why, though, because i would love him far more and have much more respect for him if he actually was honest and upfront with me so we could deal with plan changes as a couple etc. i suspect the reason he is shady s often because what he wants to do is unreasonable and not a good move for the relationship.

he is quite a selfish person in that sense... i was in tears in the phone call earlier, and he will have just quite happily gone to the gym without a second thought for me...because he honestly belives my reaction to being messed about isnt fair on him.

OP posts:

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