DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable...but is this my fault?

[whatsyourtune]

I feel like I can't cope with my DP anymore, and I don't know if this is a problem that I have, or that he has.

In a nutshell, on an almost daily basis, I feel messed about by my DP. However, his view is that I get too worried about things and that I am unfair on him.

Here's the sort of things that happen:

• DP will tell me he is travelling abroad with work a few days before doing so and will give me incorrect details. ie flight time, when he is home, potential for the trip to be extended. I have told him many times that him not being clear about these things means my everyday life is uprooted. Ie. if I make plans as a couple for X weekend, then find out last minute he's not here and have to make excuses with friends etc...even after he has apparently 'confirmed' with me. I will say to friends with confidence that DP and I can't make this weekend, for instance, thinking DP has been clear cut on this, and it turns out later that he just neglected to be specific. I am ALWAYS supportive of his job and understand that things change...but I just want to be informed as and when that happens.

• Another regular thing... DP and I will agree to something ie dinner on Friday, drinks with friends, going to visit parents etc. A couple of days before, if something comes up at work or he wants to go out with a friend etc etc, he will deny all knowledge of our conversation, or he will twist it to make it sound like we hadn't actually organised something and finalised it. ie it wasnt a DEFINITE plan. He will usually be apologetic and usually he only wants to change the plan because he's simply forgotten another commitment... it never seems to be malicious, and when we do spend time together, he is generally loving and caring. Frustrating nonetheless.

• When I feel he isn't telling me the whole story (which is often), I can usually tell. Last week I was unwell and he kept asking if I had my period. It was a strange thing to ask and he kept putting it into texts, in the middle of other conversation about whether I was feeling better. It turns out he wanted to ask if I thought I could be pregnant. This is a man who is nearly 30, and I found it incredibly frustrating to have to read into what he was asking in texts, and then clarify with him - are you worried I am pregnant? It often feels like I am in a relationship with someone still at school.

• DP has an excuse for everything. He forgot is a very regular excuse. He seems to forget everything and it's his excuse for all of the above. Another excuse is that he didnt have time to tell me something. No time, and no memory, apparently.

• If I get cross about the above, DP will react by saying I am being unfair, he will become aggressive and shout and say he can't be arsed etc. and put the phone down on me. He will often ignore the issue and he seems to apologise because he knows socially-speaking he probably should, but not because he truly means it, if that makes sense. Truth be told, I'm not sure he understands why I get so frustrated... I think he genuinely thinks how he acts is ok.

Having said all this, DP can be very lovely to me. When we are spending time together, we get on so well and he;'s quite thoughtful. All of this is just driving me a bit crazy, though.

Recently he's made me second-guess myself...Am I in the wrong here? Am I asking too much of him? I've just never been with such a 'difficult' person, in the sense that every conversation and every plan etc seems to cause a big problem with him, and his answer is to blame me by saying I am unfair on him and too stressy. I am stressy BECAUSE of this...it seems to go round in circles.

Is he right that I am bringing this on myself?

Whatever the reasons behind his behaviour are he doesn't care enough to sort it out

You shouldn't have to tell your DP to consider your feelings and treat you with respect. It should come naturally. It doesn't with him, and it won't because he is very self-centered. Self-centeredness is very deep-rooted and he will always put his own happiness and well-being above yours. Some people are just built that way.
IMHO I think you should get rid and find someone who deserves you - he doesn't.

You sound as if you're thinking a lot at the moment about what he's thinking, feeling etc, and it's making you frustrated and miserable.

How about you just take a mental break for a while - a week maybe? Just for that week ignore his shenanigans and behave as if you're only responsible for you. Accept invitations from friends and go out without checking if he's available, and have a blast. Do your own thing. Don't try to organise stuff with him/invite him to anything. If you have to speak to him, be nice but non-committal about arrangements. Don't give him headspace. Focus on yourself.

Whatever you decide to do regarding your relationship in the future, at least you'll have given yourself a break from the relentless uncertainty and taken control of your own life.

you really have to go off actions here rather than words.

He is an adult with an over seas job. He isn't irresponsible or forgetful - these are just excuses to keep you around.

He may care about you, but your not his priority are you? It took me a long time to meet a bloke that did that to me. And it was like a breath of fresh air op honestly it is.

The reason he "forgets" is because he's not interested in what you want to do. he doesn't ring because "it might cause a row" - which proves that he knows it's wrong. This man will never change. He is a waste of space. You don't live with him now, so make your own plans to enjoy your own life.

i suspect the reason he is shady s often because what he wants to do is unreasonable and not a good move for the relationship.

he is quite a selfish person in that sense... i was in tears in the phone call earlier, and he will have just quite happily gone to the gym without a second thought for me...because he honestly belives my reaction to being messed about isnt fair on him.

How can you admit the above ^^ and say that he's not doing this intentionally?

It's clearly completely intentional.

Smegs' suggestion is a very good one.

Sorry but I don't think Going out for a drink or a meal and cancelling is being let down, it's just one of those things. If had made plans with friends and then cancelled they would just say ok see you next time and that would be it, no more thought of.

Stop

If he asks if you are on your period ten times say no ten times. By you playing interpreter you are enabling him to behave in this way so stop doing it.

Write any engagements dinner dates etc on the calendar when they are agreed, don't tell him that's what you do but refer back to it when he says you didn't have that conversation.

Stop looking after him he can look after himself and if you let him he will

So he was worried about pregnancy? Lacks commitment....

Have you asked outright if he wants a future?

A few things worry me about what you describe.

You talk a out him being 'not nasty' and buying flowers. Do these things feel really special? They should be normal in a living g relationship. Not flowers always, but doing things you know make the other happy. If you are clinging onto these as good things, it doesn't speak well of your relationship.

He phones and says he doesn't want an argument... He is making this your fault. And he is denying you the chance to tell him how you feel and be listened to. These are not qualities of an equal relationship. He has all the power and you are left confused, hurt.

Do you feel you are walking on eggshells? Are you making fewer plans than you used to because of his behaviour, and you have to keep explaining why you drop out last minute? So you take the flak as well as feeling confused & frustrated?

OP this is not good. Do you want to live like this?

I don't think you're being over dramatic at all. It's common decency to let you know whether or not he's going to be around/change arrangements. My husband is like this and I've always found it frustrating. I do what ScrambledSmegs suggests - get on with my own arrangements with or without him, because his work is freelance and is unconfirmed or often changes at the last minute. But then that is also very convenient for him, in that he doesn't ever have to commit to anything or do anything that he'd rather not do. It is very sad to be in a relationship like this, isn't it? If you are wondering whether to stay, let me just tell you that I thought I could stay and things would change. Now we have three small children and he is still unable/willing to commit to plans. It's soul destroying, it's destroying my respect for him and it will eventually destroy our marriage.

Oh, OP. This sounds like a miserable and crazymaking way to live.

I can see how it's hard to feel like he's doing this intentionally. But there's intentional and intentional, you know? He probably isn't twirling his evil moustache while thinking to himself "I wish to exert my feeling of power and control and I shall do this by keeping her constantly off-balance with plans!" - but at the same time, he's not doing it by accident. You know that.

He is choosing this behaviour, even if he'd rather not think about why. He could choose otherwise if he wanted to. He doesn't.

How long have you been together OP? And how old are you?

Twinklestein - the OP said she's 30.

OP - he does understand what he's doing, he probably would prefer he wasn't messing you about, he knows it'll upset you, but he doesn't care enough not to put what he wants first. He doesn't care enough about you to make you the priority.

If he can, he'll do what he wants and keep you happy, but if he can't then you are the thing that gets dropped. And it's upsetting that you get upset, but it's ok, because you can be won over again, and you always forgive him, so it's ok, you'll be upset then everything will go back to how it is.

He might be delibrately abusive for shits and giggles. Or it could just be that his heart is in the right place, he's mainly a good person, but selfish, and has found someone who forgives him over and over, so he's able to be selfish with no long term negative concequences. You'll be upset, and that's a bit shit and makes him feel bad, but then it'll all be ok again, so he does get to keep you and do what he really wants.

This is who he is. Is this what you want?

Sorry I must have missed that.

If you're 30 OP you're wasting your fertile years on this man.

Oh my goodness, Dinosaurs - I think you are spot on and have almost perfectly described a relationship I was in for 7 years. Good person and we had lots of great times but ultimately selfish and draining, so completely exhausting to be with.

So, OP, I can tell you from experience that this doesn't change. It's easy to put up with for a while because they 'don't mean it'. Ultimately this relationship will suck the life out of you. Take my advice, cut your losses and free yourself up to find someone who loves you enough to put you first. I did (eventually) and it's such a joy, such a liberation....

OP, I was just searching some old posts of mine on a thread that has some similarities to yours. The OP ended her relationship. I'm still stuck in mine.

My advice to you would be not to even contemplate having children with somebody like this.

My partner is disorganised, does that whole 'forgetting' bit etc, despite managing a decent career. I don't think he's passive-aggressive but he is totally passive and has no ability to deal with conflict (to the point where I wouldn't even classify whatever it is as conflict, just normal negotiation) so he will agree and say the right things only to continue exactly as before, as if I never mentioned it.

You may find that how you feel now seems like nothing if you're still dealing with this shit five, ten years and a couple of DC down the line.

Further to what Twinkle said, even worse than wasting some of your fertile years delaying DC is giving your fertility to somebody who fails to step up (should've seen that coming, but like many a fool before me...) and then, on a bad day - I'll be honest here and risk a flaming - end up sort of wishing you never had them.

Dear OP
I am really concerned for you. I have had 10 years of similar. He ticks all the boxes to be able to prove he's a good DH and father so he'll focus on a couple of things he can bear doing around the house to prove he helps out, I'll get gifts, sometimes expensive (in my eyes) but they are done without thought (one can excuse this as lots of men are poor at present buying/gifting, he'll play with DD but won't discuss parenting and works on a me or him basis and can't work together. He says he'll be able to do things and is ever so enthusiastic when I have arranged to go out, but then despite it being arranged months back and reminded recently instead of getting home from work and giving me an hour to get ready, will turn up the same time as my lift or time I have to leave. We've done years of counselling "you are wired differently, he reads headlines, you do small print the details" but as soon as counselling focused on him he disengaged. If I get frustrated that he won't discuss finances with me or birthday present choices for DD he says I need anger management classes, when I am sick he asks why can't I be better, why am I always sick? I'm not now but had two long-running illnesses a while back. He refused to put my name on the deeds of the house or add my name to the mortgage, or sort life assurance together. He won't book holidays, but we take last minute options or I fortunately won one on MN, he takes us on our trip by then had to go home to work. Work hours are erratic. Whenever I suggest there is a problem I am called paranoid, anxious, meddling. When I finally resort to ultimatums I am a hoe wrecker, a destroyer.
In the end my confidence is near gone, I tread on egg shells, I reduce my commitments, I even stop inviting people round... Then I realised. So now I do all these things regardless of the battle to make them happy. This resulted in DH taking himself off without telling us and refusing us to contact him but to return after his two week jolly expecting me to be grateful that he's forgiven me for goodness knows what this time. DD is heartbroken he's not here. Me, after 10 years I am looking at separation leading to divorce, and an occupation order to ensure he can't sell the house. I have not had any more kids, and my child bearing years are over. Dear OP if you are not ready to separate then go for joint counselling now, ask yourself deep down does he love you enough?, are the good things out of love for you or fear of losing you, is the relationship you and him or full of us and we. Do you work in partnership. Are things discussed openly? Is he interested in you as a person, does he want you to flourish and bloom in life... If not talk to womans aid for advice and make your decision before too much time is lost. I wish you all the very best. I take my marriage vows seriously and am devastated, but he's just not here and I feel less secure, loved, and protected than any other time of my life.

OP, my experience of someone similar, only last year.

"Nice when it suited him" but happy to leave me crying whenever - by the way, I'm a fairly stable, positive person generally: this was after incident after incident of unreliability

(but easily deniable unreliability, so he could make it like I was "going mad". I'm lucky I'm quite well-read and a regular MN'er and have tried to work through other bad relationships so I could escape quite unscathed).

Still, I felt like my femininity had been drained, and I'm glad I got out of it after 4-5 months!

I think he was almost intimidated by my confident "love being a woman" attitude when we met - he wanted to turn me into a harridan/scold character who spent all her days obsessing over his schedule. It's an ego boost to demolish someone like that.

And like yours: very "nice", incredibly professionally successful, lots of women wanted him.

We had a lot in common in terms of interests: but he would have been happy to break me.

Oh. His mum and dad: his mum is younger than his dad but on the verge of a breakdown - simultaneously very dependent on his dad whilst raging at the fact that she feels she has wasted her life.

Also, I got the frequent self-pitying "why are YOU attacking me" when I'd call him out on it, as if I myself was the malicious one?

Interestingly "unfair on me" is JUST the same phrase mine used to use too! (basically when he couldn't get his own way on something that would put me out significantly).

OP, some of the things you describe remind me of my exH.

However, he wasn't doing things deliberately to frustrate me, it's just the way he was wired.

One thing he often did that seriously made me lose the plot was that I'd be looking for some item in the house, I'd ask him if he'd seen it, he would automatically say No instantly. I'd then find out he HAD seen it, he HAD moved it for whatever reason, but just...forgot. It got to the point where I would say 'I'm going to ask you a question and you CAN'T SAY NO STRAIGHT AWAY.'

Honestly, it got to the stage where I was acting like his mother. The relationship turned me into someone I didn't want to be. So I left. Have been happily divorced for a few years now.

He still does the whole 'But you never told me that!' or the 'I definitely told you that!' thing with regards to the kids. I just don't even bother responding, and it does not get an emotional reaction from me.

He's not a bad person, he just operates differently to me and it drove me crazy.

TLDR: He's either messing you about deliberately, or this is just how he operates as an adult. Either way, my advice is to remove yourself from a situation that is CLEARLY making you stressed, anxious and miserable.

Selfish fuck, isn't he?
He's a "bit thoughtful" about you? When he can be bothered and it doesn't interfere with what he wants to do, I'd guess?

Genuine forgetfulness goes with remorse and attempts to make it up to you, plus attempts to remedy said forgetfulness. He isn't doing that, is he. He's just using it as an excuse to carry on being a selfish fuck and do exactly what he wants, and woe betide you if you challenge him.

Uugh.

Oh dear! I didn't want to read and run...
My husband is exactly that way and many other things in between. I started doubting myself thinking i was crazy and unreasonable. I 2nd guess myself to the point where i don't say anything to him anymore until it gets too much and i blow up. We have a 2nd child on the way and I'm trying to gather every bit of strength i have left in me to leave.

Try to google a few key words if you can you will see that it's much more serious than you think:

• gaslighting/gaslighter
• water torturer
• covert abuse
• emotional abuse

This type of abuse in my view is one of the sickest because they are so good at making you feel you're wrong and at making ppl think you're wrong about him that you eventually stop trying to reason and you loose your ability to do that.

If you can just leave xxx