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Please could you help me calmly articulate my issues to DH?
112

catgirl1976 · 09/05/2015 18:31

I've just lost it with DH in front of 3 year old DS. I'm not proud and it's not achieved anything, but I just snapped.

DH has now gone for a bath. When DS is in bed I want to calmly get across why I am upset / angry / frustrated and I think I need some help. This might be long.

The background is that we have a DS (3).

I work FT in a stressful job. DH works 2 days a week, is at college 2 days a week and looks after DS 1 day a week.

DS is doing an Access course to allow him to go to university. It is coming to an end and he has a lot of work to do and is stressed about it.

However. I get up with DS every morning, except Sunday when I get a lie in. This week DS has been waking around 6am. It is ALWAYS me that gets up with him in the week, never DH. I then have to get DH up like he's a teenager, shouting up the stairs, taking him a drink, waking him up again. It's me that gets DS downstairs and having his breakfast, which given he is three is not always straightforward.

Whe we get home from work, DH goes straight upstairs every night. This is not related to his course, he always does and has, even pre-course. He goes upstairs to play on his PC. So I am with DS from the minute I get in from work. Playing with him, feeding him, getting him ready for bed etc. DH will then read him a story and settle him. He will then come downstairs, usually about 9pm but sometimes 10pm. Then we will eat.

It really annoys me we don't eat as a family. I've mentioned this a lot and said 'from now on we eat together as a family' but it's a constant battle and rarely happens as DH isn't hungry at 6pm as he's 'had a sandwich at 3' or whatever.

I do pretty much all the housework (he does clean up and hoover on a Friday, but that's it). All the laundry, admin, finances, sorting out what we are going to eat, cooking, washing up etc. His room where is PC is vile. Rubbish all over the floor, cups with mold in. Like a students room. I keep the house clean but I won't do his room but it upsets me he lives like that.

The last few weekends DH has needed to do coursework. Fine. I have looked after DS on my own all day. I don't mind this, I like spending time with DS and I appreciate DH needs time to do his work.

Today I took DS to the greengrocers and we picked nice vegetables and then the fishmongers to pick nice fish for dinner. I told DH we had done this. I also bought some mussels and some really nice bread for DH and I to have tomorrow night when DS is staying at my parents.

At 5:15 I went to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. I haven't seen DH all day as he has been in his room doing his course work. He wanders in with a plate in his. He's just had a sandwich. With the nice crusty bread. Didn't consult with me or speak to anyone, had just sorted him self out as usual. So he wouldn't want dinner. In fact he was going to have a bath.

I am afraid I lost it at this point and started yelling at him that he was like a lodger in the attic, took no part in family life etc. He then yelled back but started effing and blinding in front of DS. I have told him over and over again to stop swearing in front of DS and that I won't have it, but he does. At that point I am afraid I said if he kept swearing in front of DS I would leave him and he would not get to see him because it was unacceptable. I am ashamed of that but I had lost my temper and I HATE him swearing in front of him and I feel really strongly about it.

I want to be able to clearly articulate to DH what I am so upset about. It's not just the dinner. He started saying "Oh God I won't do this course then". I don't mind him needing the weekends to do course work (it's not ideal but I am ok with it) it's the fact he doesn't involve himself as a part of the family. He can still eat at lunchtime and dinner time whilst getting his work done and it's the lack of thought or being 'part' of us. I have no idea if that makes any sense.

If anyone can help me put this into words I can make him understand, I would be really greatful. If you've not fallen asleep reading this.

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Vivacia · 09/05/2015 18:36

You don't need to articulate it - it's obvious and besides you have already said it clear this evening. He understands, he just doesn't give a shit.

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paxtecum · 09/05/2015 18:39

He's just a knob.

I used to be responsible for getting my XH out of bed in the mornings and looking back I have no idea why.
My Dad always behaved like an adult and got himself up in the morning.

Swearing in front of the DS is quite terrible.

Sorry, I'm not being very helpful but just agreeing that he is a knob.

The computer game thing is appalling too.

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IfMaybeBut · 09/05/2015 18:40

Are you sure he is actually working?

You sound very naive and are allowing him to get away with loads. If the boot was on the other foot I bet you'd still be doing all the work and studying whilst he claimed he was too tired from a full time job...

He has a skivvy and knows it.

I wouldn't apologise for threatening to leave. I suspect you will end up doing just that if he doesn't change. Can you change him? No. People have to want to change themselves. Why would he want to when life is so cushy?

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paxtecum · 09/05/2015 18:40

Your live will be far more pleasant without him.

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catgirl1976 · 09/05/2015 18:42

Yeah my Dad always got himself out of bed too. I don't drive so I need DH to take DS to nursery. I could just get the bus but I need him up to look take DS. My provisional licence arrived last week, so I am sorting that out as I realise how disempowering it is not to drive.

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ArgyMargy · 09/05/2015 18:43

Seems as though you have two DSs really...

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ArgyMargy · 09/05/2015 18:44

Seems as though you have two DSs really...

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DorothyBastard · 09/05/2015 18:44

Vivacia is right I'm afraid. The problem here is not that you need to 'find the right words'; there is no magical combination of vocabulary that will make the scales fall from his eyes. He doesn't want to participate in family life.

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Vivacia · 09/05/2015 18:45

Is he your son's dad?

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DurhamDurham · 09/05/2015 18:46

Don't feel bad about loosing your temper, you were pushed to the limits.
You have a right to expect your husband to be a part of family life. He can't behave like a single person because he isn't one.

I know you want to stay calm in order to get your points across but don't worry if you do get upset or angry.....it's a very emotive issue and you have a right to be listened to.

You could maybe write the main points down and then if he tries to side track you, you can refer to your list and stay on track.

Hope you get a chance to say what needs to be said Thanks

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lavenderhoney · 09/05/2015 18:47

I don't know how you put up with any of it tbh. It's bugger all to do with his course anyway.

Just the bit about how he needs bellowing at and taking drinks in the morning annoyed me. I wouldn't be doing that. Surely you've enough to do, looking after a 3 year old in the morning and getting ready for work? Leave him to it. He's lazy, quite frankly.

He needs to step up and act like a dh. Did he have a father himself?

You're not eating as a family or living as a family and he's not engaging because he doesn't want a family life is the short answer. You can't make him, and he seems happy enough - pissing off to play games (!) what!!? And swearing at you isn't helpful and is very rude.

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DurhamDurham · 09/05/2015 18:47

Don't feel bad about loosing your temper, you were pushed to the limits.
You have a right to expect your husband to be a part of family life. He can't behave like a single person because he isn't one.

I know you want to stay calm in order to get your points across but don't worry if you do get upset or angry.....it's a very emotive issue and you have a right to be listened to.

You could maybe write the main points down and then if he tries to side track you, you can refer to your list and stay on track.

Hope you get a chance to say what needs to be said Thanks

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catgirl1976 · 09/05/2015 18:48

Yes he is DSs Dad

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Chippednailvarnish · 09/05/2015 18:49

I think you have posted about this before? You're a capable woman, I really think I would be questioning how much your DP wants to be in your relationship.

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HootyMcTooty · 09/05/2015 18:49

Vivacia is spot on. I'd say just stop doing anything for him, if he sleeps in and loses his job or fails his course, that's his hard shit isn't it?

It sounds as if you're independent enough to survive without him so you need to ask yourself is there any aspect of your relationship with this lazy, selfish arsehole that makes you happy? Has he always been this way or have you gradually descended into being his mother and provider?

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hilbobaggins · 09/05/2015 18:50

He won't change. It's nothing to do with how articulate you are. He sounds useless, and entirely selfish.

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Mintyy · 09/05/2015 18:51

Oh cat Sad, we've heard all of this before haven't we? More than once?

There is something very very wrong if your dp does not want to spend any time at all with you on a Saturday or Sunday, even if he is "working".

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MrsSheRa · 09/05/2015 18:52

He's taking the piss. Absolutely.

What if you take the angle of asking him what he thinks your family life is like at the moment?

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Vivacia · 09/05/2015 18:53

Personally, I wouldn't want to live with anyone like this, let alone my partner. However, I don't think you want to ask him to leave.

I would stop doing the unnecessary things, e.g. getting him out of bed Hmm

Secondly, I'd expect more from him - cooking and eating tea with the family.

Then, when he chooses not to do this, LTB.

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catgirl1976 · 09/05/2015 18:55

I know - I've posted a lot about our relationship

Things have imprved as before he wasn't working or studying, so there is some progress

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Madamecastafiore · 09/05/2015 18:57

Is he 15?

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MarniRose · 09/05/2015 18:58

You've been posting about this bloke for years. When will you accept that there is no more advice and that he won't change? This is your life forever now because you refuse point blank to leave him. What do you want people to say that they haven't said before ?

Just get rid of him fgs

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Chippednailvarnish · 09/05/2015 19:05

You're allowed to post as much as you want to...

I think you're a clever, capable, funny woman who could really do better (and I've never met you Smile), but everyone has their limit and personally I think your limit was reached a long time ago.

What exactly do you get out of your relationship?

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lampshady · 09/05/2015 19:10

And an access course is absolutely nothing compared to uni. You may find he does even less.

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MarniRose · 09/05/2015 19:13

Oh I don't mean you shouldn't post! But I feel so frustrated reading this utter crap that you're putting up with - and by proxy making your son put up with too. How unfair is that?

Could you consider counselling to get to the bottom of what makes you accept this in a relationship?

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