Please could you help me calmly articulate my issues to DH?

[catgirl1976]

I've just lost it with DH in front of 3 year old DS. I'm not proud and it's not achieved anything, but I just snapped.

DH has now gone for a bath. When DS is in bed I want to calmly get across why I am upset / angry / frustrated and I think I need some help. This might be long.

The background is that we have a DS (3).

I work FT in a stressful job. DH works 2 days a week, is at college 2 days a week and looks after DS 1 day a week.

DS is doing an Access course to allow him to go to university. It is coming to an end and he has a lot of work to do and is stressed about it.

However. I get up with DS every morning, except Sunday when I get a lie in. This week DS has been waking around 6am. It is ALWAYS me that gets up with him in the week, never DH. I then have to get DH up like he's a teenager, shouting up the stairs, taking him a drink, waking him up again. It's me that gets DS downstairs and having his breakfast, which given he is three is not always straightforward.

Whe we get home from work, DH goes straight upstairs every night. This is not related to his course, he always does and has, even pre-course. He goes upstairs to play on his PC. So I am with DS from the minute I get in from work. Playing with him, feeding him, getting him ready for bed etc. DH will then read him a story and settle him. He will then come downstairs, usually about 9pm but sometimes 10pm. Then we will eat.

It really annoys me we don't eat as a family. I've mentioned this a lot and said 'from now on we eat together as a family' but it's a constant battle and rarely happens as DH isn't hungry at 6pm as he's 'had a sandwich at 3' or whatever.

I do pretty much all the housework (he does clean up and hoover on a Friday, but that's it). All the laundry, admin, finances, sorting out what we are going to eat, cooking, washing up etc. His room where is PC is vile. Rubbish all over the floor, cups with mold in. Like a students room. I keep the house clean but I won't do his room but it upsets me he lives like that.

The last few weekends DH has needed to do coursework. Fine. I have looked after DS on my own all day. I don't mind this, I like spending time with DS and I appreciate DH needs time to do his work.

Today I took DS to the greengrocers and we picked nice vegetables and then the fishmongers to pick nice fish for dinner. I told DH we had done this. I also bought some mussels and some really nice bread for DH and I to have tomorrow night when DS is staying at my parents.

At 5:15 I went to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. I haven't seen DH all day as he has been in his room doing his course work. He wanders in with a plate in his. He's just had a sandwich. With the nice crusty bread. Didn't consult with me or speak to anyone, had just sorted him self out as usual. So he wouldn't want dinner. In fact he was going to have a bath.

I am afraid I lost it at this point and started yelling at him that he was like a lodger in the attic, took no part in family life etc. He then yelled back but started effing and blinding in front of DS. I have told him over and over again to stop swearing in front of DS and that I won't have it, but he does. At that point I am afraid I said if he kept swearing in front of DS I would leave him and he would not get to see him because it was unacceptable. I am ashamed of that but I had lost my temper and I HATE him swearing in front of him and I feel really strongly about it.

I want to be able to clearly articulate to DH what I am so upset about. It's not just the dinner. He started saying "Oh God I won't do this course then". I don't mind him needing the weekends to do course work (it's not ideal but I am ok with it) it's the fact he doesn't involve himself as a part of the family. He can still eat at lunchtime and dinner time whilst getting his work done and it's the lack of thought or being 'part' of us. I have no idea if that makes any sense.

If anyone can help me put this into words I can make him understand, I would be really greatful. If you've not fallen asleep reading this.

Good luck OP. I think you are strong enough to leave. You just need to believe that yourself. There is a beautiful life waiting for you and your DS. Go find it.

Cat you were right. OW did me an ultimate favour.
Hope you had a good night's sleep.
Your DS sounds so clever and funny-you haven't scarred him for life and you are a caring and strong mummy!
P.s. maybe we could set up a learning to drive group :-D

Yes I meant to add that your DS is a caring comedy genius (please don't let him hang around this pathetic excuse for a role model for too much longer).

good luck with the counselling op. I hope it gives you the strength to kick the cocklodger out. x

You are capable and bright and fun and parent well while he is a joyless, abusive selfish drain on you and your ds.

Yes get counselling but yes find out how he can go, you will feel so free without him.

There is no point to a partner unless they improve our life. They make us feel, more beautiful, brighter, funnier and do kind and difficult things for us.

You want really small things like a tea together but you need to get wanting the best all the time because it will help you get out quick. Just spend a day imagining what a great partner would do - lots and with love.

Reading this has made my heart sink, this was my life with my ex. You sound like you are turning the corner OP and I will be thinking of you and checking in. I think it makes it harder if you are used to being capable as I certainly felt I should have been able to 'fix' my old relationship. Hope you have a eureka moment soon and get rid - mine was after a weekend of long chats about how we had to work on out relationship and make time for each other get off the fucking computer he scheduled something every night that week and I realised he didn't give a damn about changing anything as he was living the life of Riley. He acted like a child during the whole splitting up period and I realised he was never who I thought he was - don't think I even shed a tear over the breakup it was like trying to get rid of a stranger.

How are you this morning?

You will be so much happier without this lead weight. He has had all the time he could need to become a caring partner, you do everything, & work, & have tried to get him to comport himself like a grown up.
He is using you & has no intention of changing. Hopefully the councillor will help you to become strong enough to kick him out. (As its you who pay the rent, he couldn't stay there if you didn't pay... so either he moves out, or everyone moves out....)
Get rid asap.
Once his back is up against the wall he may attempt to make changes, Be warned it won't last for long.

How am I this morning?

I don't know where to start :(

DH had what looked like a spot on the bridge of his nose on Friday night. I mentioned it and he said it was an insect bite.

Saturday morning, underneath his eye was swelling up. By Saturday tea time his face was swollen and I suggested he go to the walk in, but no.

This morning he wakes up and wakes me up by shoving his face in mine and saying "Have you seen my face??". It was very swollen.

This was 09:30am. My lie in. DS has woken at 6am every day this week, but today when it is DHs lie in he sleeps till 9:30. Anyway.

We were meant to be leaving the house at 11:30am to go to my parents for my brothers birthday lunch. DH clearly has to go to the Walk In, which he does. He doesn't have a phone (don't ask) so I give him mine so he can let me know what's happening as we have to leave at 11:30am and I don't drive etc.

By half ten I have heard nothing. Try phoning him (on my phone) goes straight to VM. Keep trying and nothing. By 11:30 - the time we have to leave the house - still nothing. He's not called and I can't get through to him.

I ring my mum and just start sobbing. She arranges for my sister to come and get me and DS (well out of her way) take us back to hers whislt she finishes getting ready and then DSis iswill bring me and DS to my parents.

10 minutes later DH phones, breezy as fuck. He's getting some antiobiotics and on his way home. I try to ring DSis to tell her not to ocme but my home phone decides to play up and I can't ring anyone, not DSIS, DH, DM -no one.

DSis arrives just as I am having a full break down. Not great.

Get to DMs and DH is there as if nothings happened. I get through the lunch by talking to family and DBro. DS is staying there tonight.

In the car on the way home DH asks what's wrong. I tell him he has no idea what he's put me through today. He tells me to get over it. He keeps asking if something else is wrong. he honestly can't see how he has put in me in a panic and stress situation all morning, worried my DPs, put my DSis out etc.

I start thinking that it is me over reacting, but I really don't think it is.

He's now upstairs writing and essay and I am wondering where the fuck I go from here and if I am actually going mad.

I am so sorry for the rant. I just feel like I am losing my mind, but also totally empty, worn out and almost detached.

No not over reacting, he took your phone, couldn't be arsed to call to give you an update. You are tired & already upset from yesterday.
He asked you what was wrong, why not tell him once a for all that being treated like shit by him is no longer an option & you are going to do the obvious. Divorce. To be honest I don't think he will give a shit, apart from needing to find another mug to pay while he is playing on the computer.

Enough.

He's so selfish - and I really don't think you should hold back from your family re your relationship. They know anyway, tbh. I should think they are waiting for you to fess up or arguing who is going to say something. Did he apologise to anyone - clearly he doesn't see the need to apologise to you.

And why give him your phone? Let him work it out. With his own money. Seriously, I don't think you realise but giving him your phone, arranging lifts, all the stress which your child feels too, and then pretending it's all ok- it's not. He isn't bringing anything to the party.

Detaching is good. Allow yourself to detach.

I've read some of your other threads. In them all, you sound like a lovely capable woman -- and funny & cool. Your basic sensible niceness shines through your posts. You have caring family & friends who clearly like & love you, and will

Upthread, you say Relate wouldn't see the two of you together because after 1 session they were worried that his behaviour was abusive. After one session.

Just saying.

What do your parents think? Could you move in with them?

He really is twisting the knife.

What a head fuck. Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book? It would help reassure you that it's him, not you, you're absolutely not making a mountain out of a molehill (probably if anything the other way round).

If he has made the decision not to have a phone, then don't lend him yours again. It's a small step of asserting your needs. Next time he wants it, point out the home phone has been playing up, so you need it. He can find an alternative.

Where you go from here is to leave him. He won't change. Your life won't get better, he won't suddenly decide to start acting like a nice human being.

What did you sis and DM say about today? How much do they know about what's going on?

You will be twenty billionty times happier without him in your life, I promise. And your DS will too, he is taking this all in and learning this is how relationships work.

Also OP when your brain starts to minimise, "there's good times" etc, remember the shit in the coffee. How much shit in your coffee would be okay for you? 5%? 10?

All this crap you put up with will become nil. Shit free coffee

Can ask why you feel you're not ready to leave? You seem like you are ready- you know he is being abusive and he is totally in the wrong. You know you are better off without him. There don't seem to be any practical circumstances holding you back.
Is it just that you find it difficult to convince him of all this?
You don't need to convince him. He will probably never understand that he is in the wrong. You don't need to articulate it to him. You just need to get out.

Cat, I've never posted on your threads but I have been reading them for what seems like forever (that's not a complaint my dear, just saying that it seems like a decade for me so what on earth must it feel like for you?). I remember that ridiculous letter he wrote you suggesting your stress was down to your job and you should get another one while he made no changes to his life whatsoever because he wasn't in the wrong.

As a pp said, Access isn't all that difficult. I work in FE and many of our Access students are single mums with a family to look after and a part time job as well as their course. They cope and they succeed. If he is struggling and really does need to separate himself from family life because of the course then he stands not a chance at university.

But it's nothing to do with the course really is it? It's just him being a bone idle twunt. I hope your counselling empowers you to kick his sorry arse to the kerb. You are worth so much better.

He knows exactly what he's doing. Exactly what's wrong but he likes you to feel jumpy and uncertain. Likes you to be wrong footed. When you're angry and frustrated with him, he deflects it and tells you there must be a 'real' reason. One that can't possibly be down to him of course. It's a form of emotional abuse. Denying your feelings and making you doubt your own mind.
Your family have seen a glimmer of it now. Can you talk to them? People who knew you before he did a number on you?

Catgirl I knew I had posted on your threads before so I just had a look. January 2013 was when I posted! 2+ years ago. Damn woman how long are you going to flog this dead horse for?

From his point of view, there is no problem. He has a huge vested interest in keeping things as they are. You are bankrolling a life of leisure, as well as servicing his practical and sexual needs.

You are thinking about this as if he isn't conscious of what he is doing, and as if he has a conscience. As if the right words will suddenly make him realise it's unfair and care about that. He knows it's unfair, because it's unfair in his favour. It's what he chose it to be, what he wants, and how he absolutely intends it to stay. This is not a decent person who just needs to grow up a bit. It's an emotional and financial abuser.

Learn to drive. Do the Freedom Programme. Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. And take over, very ostentatiously, all public care of your DS, because as far as I can see, at the moment he could claim to be doing more care than you (that single day at home, drop-offs at the child minder due to driving ability) and the very last thing you want is to split and him obtain primary care of your DS, so he can neglect him at your expense.

Get your ducks in a row. Then get rid of him. The house is just a house - there are plenty of others, but your DS has one childhood. It can't be like this.

Oh cat, your name looked familiar but I hadn't read any of your threads before, I don't think. I just read back over a couple and am in shock at what this entitled, pompous, self-indulgent twat will put you through while professing to be a good dad/person.

I was in a marriage that had similarities to yours and for so long I kept giving ex-H chances and dealing with everything for him because he had depression and was trying really hard. Supposedly. It took a massive row in which he lost the plot and threatened violence before I left, but it shouldn't have done. Really, that episode was quite meaningless in the bigger picture of him not being a partner or father, and not being willing to change.

It's hard, and the only thing that got me through was by deciding on a course of action then resolutely doing no more thinking. Just repeating that he had to leave. Not listening to any pleading, refusing to engage in debate. And definitely not having any internal dialogue about what next. 'What next' could take care of itself later.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Do your counselling. Use it to be sure of what you really want and need. And I hope you find happiness soon.

My sister told me last night my biggest problem was that I have no control and I'm not used to that in other aspects of my life.

She suggested I get the counselling, learn to drive and get something for myself in my life, like a hobby or a social thing so I have some me time and some outlet.

I think they are good ideas.

I am just so exhausted I think those steps are enough for now and all I can manage. But I think they are a start.

Thank you again to everyone posting with advice. I very much liked the coffee analogy which resonated.

Frankly, if he's working like that on his course, it's because he got behind throughout the year. I wouldn't be convinced that he was working when he said he was.

I disagree about where you should live. I think it would do you an awful lot of good to move out. It would be a completely fresh start for both you and your son. I think if you stayed put and kicked him out, you'd be far more likely to let him back in, because, let's face it, he's not going to be together enough to get himself somewhere to live.

I would end it but try to keep things amicable for the sake of your son. I'd get somewhere near family or friends and have a lovely life without this loser dragging you down.

I've read your previous threads. This guy is a parasite.

How are you supposed to find time for a hobby or social outlet when he does fuck all by way of helping?

I think your sister is probably too close to you all to be objective.

Definitely pursue the counselling. From an outsider's perspective I genuinely can't see what's in this relationship for you. There is literally no point to him being in your lives.