Please could you help me calmly articulate my issues to DH?

[catgirl1976]

I've just lost it with DH in front of 3 year old DS. I'm not proud and it's not achieved anything, but I just snapped.

DH has now gone for a bath. When DS is in bed I want to calmly get across why I am upset / angry / frustrated and I think I need some help. This might be long.

The background is that we have a DS (3).

I work FT in a stressful job. DH works 2 days a week, is at college 2 days a week and looks after DS 1 day a week.

DS is doing an Access course to allow him to go to university. It is coming to an end and he has a lot of work to do and is stressed about it.

However. I get up with DS every morning, except Sunday when I get a lie in. This week DS has been waking around 6am. It is ALWAYS me that gets up with him in the week, never DH. I then have to get DH up like he's a teenager, shouting up the stairs, taking him a drink, waking him up again. It's me that gets DS downstairs and having his breakfast, which given he is three is not always straightforward.

Whe we get home from work, DH goes straight upstairs every night. This is not related to his course, he always does and has, even pre-course. He goes upstairs to play on his PC. So I am with DS from the minute I get in from work. Playing with him, feeding him, getting him ready for bed etc. DH will then read him a story and settle him. He will then come downstairs, usually about 9pm but sometimes 10pm. Then we will eat.

It really annoys me we don't eat as a family. I've mentioned this a lot and said 'from now on we eat together as a family' but it's a constant battle and rarely happens as DH isn't hungry at 6pm as he's 'had a sandwich at 3' or whatever.

I do pretty much all the housework (he does clean up and hoover on a Friday, but that's it). All the laundry, admin, finances, sorting out what we are going to eat, cooking, washing up etc. His room where is PC is vile. Rubbish all over the floor, cups with mold in. Like a students room. I keep the house clean but I won't do his room but it upsets me he lives like that.

The last few weekends DH has needed to do coursework. Fine. I have looked after DS on my own all day. I don't mind this, I like spending time with DS and I appreciate DH needs time to do his work.

Today I took DS to the greengrocers and we picked nice vegetables and then the fishmongers to pick nice fish for dinner. I told DH we had done this. I also bought some mussels and some really nice bread for DH and I to have tomorrow night when DS is staying at my parents.

At 5:15 I went to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. I haven't seen DH all day as he has been in his room doing his course work. He wanders in with a plate in his. He's just had a sandwich. With the nice crusty bread. Didn't consult with me or speak to anyone, had just sorted him self out as usual. So he wouldn't want dinner. In fact he was going to have a bath.

I am afraid I lost it at this point and started yelling at him that he was like a lodger in the attic, took no part in family life etc. He then yelled back but started effing and blinding in front of DS. I have told him over and over again to stop swearing in front of DS and that I won't have it, but he does. At that point I am afraid I said if he kept swearing in front of DS I would leave him and he would not get to see him because it was unacceptable. I am ashamed of that but I had lost my temper and I HATE him swearing in front of him and I feel really strongly about it.

I want to be able to clearly articulate to DH what I am so upset about. It's not just the dinner. He started saying "Oh God I won't do this course then". I don't mind him needing the weekends to do course work (it's not ideal but I am ok with it) it's the fact he doesn't involve himself as a part of the family. He can still eat at lunchtime and dinner time whilst getting his work done and it's the lack of thought or being 'part' of us. I have no idea if that makes any sense.

If anyone can help me put this into words I can make him understand, I would be really greatful. If you've not fallen asleep reading this.

[SmirnoffVice]

This has gone on FOR YEARS!!! I personally would have killed him by now. Honestly - you need to tell him to get his act together or sling his hook - there is nothing else to articulate.

[Runnaway]

Could you just get up on Monday, get DS up, wake DH up, plonk DS on him in the bed, switch all the lights on and say you were going and DS needs sorting out. Then really go. Or would you worry he would just go back to sleep?

He sounds very thoughtless, but you are enabling this behaviour to an extent. I know this as I do this to a lesser extent too. It builds resentment.

[Mintyy]

I'm really surprised to hear your ds is still only 3 tbh, as I feel certain I've been reading about this for more than 3 years.

[MilesHuntsWig]

Wow. Just wow. How selfish. I suspect he doesn't give a toss but I think the paths I'd exhaust would be the following (if you really want to go further, personally I think you're well within your rights to call it a day):

1. try sitting down and asking him if he understood why you were so cross and then explaining it if he doesn't (bullet points of what you've said above is fine!). Treat him like a child, he's behaving like one.
   
2. write it down for him. You then have time to think about the words and he has something to take it via a different medium
   
3. marriage counselling. Something has to change as you're not in a partnership here by any stretch of the imagination....
   
   Good luck

[Mostlyjustaluker]

When DH and I went to counselling to sort out communication issues the counsellor made us do weekly listening exercise at home. Person a had five minutes to say what they need to say about the relationship. Person b would rephrase what person a said to show they were listening and then respond. Repeat in opposite order.

It might be with trying.

[catgirl1976]

I will come back to post, but I can't at the moment as DH is in the room.

Sorry :( I do appreciate everything - please don't thin I don't because I am not posting.

[NaiceNickname]

Show him this thread. Job done.

[TheJiminyConjecture]

I think you're so worn down by him that your perceptions are skewed.

He was absolutely bloody useless before, now he's just bloody useless you're pleased.

You'll keep getting the same advice, I hope that you are reaching the point where you value yourself enough to take it.

[missqwerty]

Sounds like a man child. I'd personally get rid!

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Oh Catgirl, he will never change. I wish you could see it. Would you search all your previous posts and maybe seeing it all together will make you realise he is a lazy, selfish, horrible twat.

Yes, I'm sure he has a good few points but I'm sorry, this will sound harsh, he doesn't love or respect you enough to treat you as he should.

I'm not even mentioning what a crap role model he is, and your relationship with him, for your son. Do you want him growing up thinking this is how families are? Does DH really want to be in a family situation? It doesn't sound like it. He may have improved on his previous lying around playing video games seven days a week, but I can guarantee you this improvement was to keep you on board and keep his nice life.

You, and your DH, deserve so much better than this. The way he treats you (both) is so disrespectful.

I wonder what it actually will take to make you realise how much better your life can be.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

There's no point in calmly articulating your issues to DH. He will not change.

He sounds awful, really awful. I couldn't live like this.

[AlternativeTentacles]

He is a feckless lazy bastard. Please do the best you can for your son by getting rid of this leech as soon as you possibly can. There literally is no point in him being in the house/your lives.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

For context, my DH works 12 hours days and does pretty much everything in the house and for the DCs. This is because I am disabled and my pain levels atm mean I can do very little. I do feel immense guilt about this.

Whenever I can, I get up with DH or try and get up first and make him a coffee in bed. I worry about him and try to get him some "on his own" time, I make him nice meals when I can, and buy nice coffee and chocolate as treats. At night I stroke his back. Not because I'm some surrendered wife type, but I appreciate everything he does for us and recognise how hard he works. I want him to know this, and that I love him very much.

I am a natural slattern and would happily leave towels on the floor, washing up for days, cups to go mouldy etc. However I know my DH likes a clean tidy environment and as I respect him I pick up after myself and wouldn't dream of leaving it for him.

It's a matter of respect for each other, as well as love.

[Canyouforgiveher]

You've already said it clearly to him. he is a like a lodger in the attic - except he probably doesn't contribute as much financially as a lodger.

Nothing will change. you can't change him. All you can do is decide if you want to live like this forever.

[BattlestarSpectacular]

You don't need to articulate to him, explain to him or make him understand. It is not your responsibility to find the acceptable combination of words that will make him behave like a responsible member of society, a loving partner or parent.

If this has been going on years you need to accept you can't change him you can only change you.

Leave him out.

Cook without including him. Don't show interest in what he's doing. Love your life as if he wasn't there.

And if it turns out that you enjoy it more? Take steps to live your life without him in it properly.

I'm sorry he treats you like this, when someone does this it makes you feel as if it's all you deserve. It's not true, you deserve so much more.

[catgirl1976]

I've made decision that I am going to get counselling for myself to work out why I am putting up with this

We tried relationship counselling. We did the first 'intro' session. I loved the counsellor, I thought she got me straight away and understood things. DH was impressed with her and he had been reluctanct to go. Unfortuantly they Relate refused to see us as they felt a lot of his behaviour was abusive (not physically) and they won't counsel couples where that is they case. I was gutted as I thought it would help

[Chippednailvarnish]

Cat absolutely massive alarm bells are ringing. If Relate think he's abusive, then he is. It's time to get rid.

[catgirl1976]

Chipped - thank you for being so lovely on all of my posts. I wouldn't get through the days sometimes without the support of some of the people on MN

I hope I don't get booted over to Netmums for being so cheesy, but I mean it.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

I've made decision that I am going to get counselling for myself to work out why I am putting up with this

That sentence sounds like a massive step forward to me!

I know it's not the done thing to bring up past threads and I don't think it's fair, but I remember some of his previous behaviour and it was very abusive.

[catgirl1976]

And thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give some advice. It is helpful, even if my progress is frustratingly slow to some people - it does help.

[catgirl1976]

It feels like a bit of an lightbulb moment YesIDid I think I need it. I don't know why I didn't think of it before - I;m not sure who suggested it upthread, but I think it's a great idea and I'm going to do it. First thing Monday I will make an appointment. I think I can get it through my health insurance I get with my job so I may not even have to wait long

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What keeps you within this at all, what do you get out of this now?. If it was not for your child would you have left long before now?.

I was going to ask you what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up, what example did your parents set you?. Are you basically repeating the same.

Time to be rid of him particularly if Relate think his behaviours are abusive as well.

[Chippednailvarnish]

You're making my eyes water now Cat.

You and your DS deserve so much more.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

cat I really like you as a poster but I have to agree with everyone else, as blunt as they are being. We are not saying ltb out of laziness or lack of empathy. You have given this man everything, a child, emotional moral and financial support and domestic servitude, none of it makes a difference. He can't even be bothered to take a meal with you which you have prepared for him.

Please ask him to leave.
Perhaps if you do that he might finally realise everything you have done for him, and I hope you realise it too and decide that you would be better off being on your own with ds than with this man.