Please could you help me calmly articulate my issues to DH?

[catgirl1976]

I've just lost it with DH in front of 3 year old DS. I'm not proud and it's not achieved anything, but I just snapped.

DH has now gone for a bath. When DS is in bed I want to calmly get across why I am upset / angry / frustrated and I think I need some help. This might be long.

The background is that we have a DS (3).

I work FT in a stressful job. DH works 2 days a week, is at college 2 days a week and looks after DS 1 day a week.

DS is doing an Access course to allow him to go to university. It is coming to an end and he has a lot of work to do and is stressed about it.

However. I get up with DS every morning, except Sunday when I get a lie in. This week DS has been waking around 6am. It is ALWAYS me that gets up with him in the week, never DH. I then have to get DH up like he's a teenager, shouting up the stairs, taking him a drink, waking him up again. It's me that gets DS downstairs and having his breakfast, which given he is three is not always straightforward.

Whe we get home from work, DH goes straight upstairs every night. This is not related to his course, he always does and has, even pre-course. He goes upstairs to play on his PC. So I am with DS from the minute I get in from work. Playing with him, feeding him, getting him ready for bed etc. DH will then read him a story and settle him. He will then come downstairs, usually about 9pm but sometimes 10pm. Then we will eat.

It really annoys me we don't eat as a family. I've mentioned this a lot and said 'from now on we eat together as a family' but it's a constant battle and rarely happens as DH isn't hungry at 6pm as he's 'had a sandwich at 3' or whatever.

I do pretty much all the housework (he does clean up and hoover on a Friday, but that's it). All the laundry, admin, finances, sorting out what we are going to eat, cooking, washing up etc. His room where is PC is vile. Rubbish all over the floor, cups with mold in. Like a students room. I keep the house clean but I won't do his room but it upsets me he lives like that.

The last few weekends DH has needed to do coursework. Fine. I have looked after DS on my own all day. I don't mind this, I like spending time with DS and I appreciate DH needs time to do his work.

Today I took DS to the greengrocers and we picked nice vegetables and then the fishmongers to pick nice fish for dinner. I told DH we had done this. I also bought some mussels and some really nice bread for DH and I to have tomorrow night when DS is staying at my parents.

At 5:15 I went to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. I haven't seen DH all day as he has been in his room doing his course work. He wanders in with a plate in his. He's just had a sandwich. With the nice crusty bread. Didn't consult with me or speak to anyone, had just sorted him self out as usual. So he wouldn't want dinner. In fact he was going to have a bath.

I am afraid I lost it at this point and started yelling at him that he was like a lodger in the attic, took no part in family life etc. He then yelled back but started effing and blinding in front of DS. I have told him over and over again to stop swearing in front of DS and that I won't have it, but he does. At that point I am afraid I said if he kept swearing in front of DS I would leave him and he would not get to see him because it was unacceptable. I am ashamed of that but I had lost my temper and I HATE him swearing in front of him and I feel really strongly about it.

I want to be able to clearly articulate to DH what I am so upset about. It's not just the dinner. He started saying "Oh God I won't do this course then". I don't mind him needing the weekends to do course work (it's not ideal but I am ok with it) it's the fact he doesn't involve himself as a part of the family. He can still eat at lunchtime and dinner time whilst getting his work done and it's the lack of thought or being 'part' of us. I have no idea if that makes any sense.

If anyone can help me put this into words I can make him understand, I would be really greatful. If you've not fallen asleep reading this.

Counselling and learning to drive- yes.

Taking up a hobby, you don't have time unfortunately as you are doing a ft job plus taking care of the whole house plus doing pretty much all the childcare plus taking care of your large child who seems to think he's a student in a shared house with a housekeeper doing all the chores!

What happens if you ask him for things, like 'can we eat together on Sun lunch and a couple of evenings a week?' Can't he sit at the table even if he's not that hungry? My husband eats as and when, after 20 years being a programmer, plus 6pm evening meals don't suit him- but I like family meals, so we do some evenings where we all do our own thing, and some where we sit together. If he's in the house, I expect him to sit and join us, and he knows it is important so he does.

I am worried you don't ask for stuff you need in the relationship as you know he will get angry/the problems will increase/abuse will start up (it is still there now, as he has you treading on eggshells).

I don't think I could be bothered with such a selfish man. He shouldn't need to be spoken to about the issues. You've got the very worst deal possible. I think in your position I'd call it a day and leave. What's the point in being with somebody who so won't pull their weight in a relationship. The only thing is if you stopped doing everything just stopped and told him it's make or break then he might change. But I wouldn't really bank on it. Hope things work out for the best.

Everyone who's posted on this thread and your previous threads agrees he's abusive. The Relate counsellor even agrees he's abusive.

After so many years of you posting about the same issues and nothing materially changing, the only responsible advice anyone can give you is to leave. Really.

Talking about how you might try to get through to him or make him change is a massive waste of time.

I can't understand why you are living this miserable existence with this lazy scumbag. What a choice you are making.

You need a councillor who is Emotional Abuse Savvy. if she isn't the time & money will be wasted.
YES get your drivers licence asap, (I imagine its your car & your insurance too ?) it provides freedom.
How do you know what he's doing on the computer? games? online dating? porn ? who pays for the internet connection ?
I think your sister's ideas are good, but I am 100% certain you haven't told her the whole ugly story. if you had she would have told you to boot him to touch.
You are an intelligent independent woman, you know that this isn't right, but somewhere along the line you have been conned into accepting this bullshit. Imagine it was your daughter who recounted to you how bad her life was. What would be your advice ?

I would prioritise the counselling, myself, as I think hopefully, it will really help you to clearly see the situation you are in and help you to make the changes you need to make, in the manner that is best for you.

I remember some of your other threads, and you always seem to put other people ahead of yourself, which is lovely, until people take advantage! It's so clear from the outside that your DH is taking advantage, and I think as someone said, your family are too close to the situation, and perhaps have their own behaviours that are less than ideal for you.

I think the counselling will help you start putting you yourself first, it's time you did

You seem to be making progress, as you are starting to really question your relationship - a very good sign.

Stay strong Catgirl!

I just borrowed this from another thread, but thought it was so poignant for you:

^It sounds like you aren't sure that all the things you dislike about him are "valid enough" reasons not to try again.

This is a mistake I've certainly made before.

Here's what my older and wiser self knows, even if all your reasons were tiny and petty (which they're not!), like "he leaves the cap off the toothpaste" or "he has a funny walk". If these things put you off him, If you don't like them, If they make the relationship worse for you, then you are entitled to say, "I don't want this relationship because these things make me unhappy".

He sounds like exactly the sort of person everyone should be avoiding. He talks a good talk, but never bothers to actually behave in a respectful and caring way.

He could well be one of those 30-somethings who usually date much younger women because they know women their own age wouldn't put up with all their crap.

So the lessons you need to take away:-

1. Always look at actions, don't listen to nice promises for how he will change, they don't mean anything.

1. You can leave a relationship for any reason. They don't have to be huge things like cheating. The simple question to be answered is, "on balance, does he make me happy and make me feel better about myself?" If he doesn't, then he's not right for you.

1. (This is the one I really wish I'd done many many years ago) Work on your self esteem. Dodgy men can smell low self worth a mile away. Often at first your self-esteem feels better, since someone wants you, but it's not long before little comments start chipping away, and before you know it you feel trapped. Who else would want you? You're so lucky to have him when you're so worthless. And that's why they do it. Make you feel crap and they can treat you how they want and you'll beg for more.

1. Any man who compliments you for how well you do housework, is trying to train you to do the things he wants you too. It ties in with the low self esteem too. It's not a compliment.

1. If things he says confuse you and rewrite history, then that is exactly what he's trying to do. It's called gaslighting. It's not nice. Run a mile.

Everyone here has given you permission to leave this poor excuse for a man smile I wish I'd had MN support when I first met xh. We never would have lasted a few months, and I would have been saved from nearly a decade and a half of anguish.

Now I have a lovely dh. He makes me feel amazing. This morning when I first woke up, hair all over the place (there was drool too) he said, "Chris you are the most beautiful woman in the world." And he meant it. He's wrong, but he meant it! I also woke up to a cup of tea by the bed because I'd had a rubbish night with the baby. Dh had been up as much as me, but he still did something nice.

So find someone who only has eyes for you. Good men are out there. Don't settle for a rubbish one. Find someone kind.

I wish I had that time with xh back.^

Also, your title says 'please could you help me calmly articulate my issues to dh' as if he would respond to them if you did! It isn't your lack of calmness, he just isn't listening to anything you say, however you say it.

Do you need telling to eat with your family? Earn money? Get a phone? Not leave mouldy cups upstairs? Clean the house? Ring people to let them know where you are?

No, you don't, neither does he. He knows they all need doing, but chooses not to do them, and flares up if you ask. Clever move, which he knows gets you worried and agitated about asking for even tiny things.

I think that sounds like a good plan, OP. When I got confused because people on here were talking about my marriage in terms of abuse, I did counselling and loved it. It was the first time for years that someone listened to me and treated what I said as important.

Your sister is right to an extent, but in a good relationship you shouldn't feel you have no control. You should feel like you're pulling together as a team. Adults are not designed to have no control over their lives. That's why when it happens it feels shit.

It will be interesting for you to observe how your DH reacts to these plans for a new, improved you...

Good luck!

How's it going Cat?

So, did you get some counselling?

You'd be better off single than having two children to mother. Your husband just uses you. He isn't giving fifty percent to the relationship he is just a user.