Please could you help me calmly articulate my issues to DH?

[catgirl1976]

I've just lost it with DH in front of 3 year old DS. I'm not proud and it's not achieved anything, but I just snapped.

DH has now gone for a bath. When DS is in bed I want to calmly get across why I am upset / angry / frustrated and I think I need some help. This might be long.

The background is that we have a DS (3).

I work FT in a stressful job. DH works 2 days a week, is at college 2 days a week and looks after DS 1 day a week.

DS is doing an Access course to allow him to go to university. It is coming to an end and he has a lot of work to do and is stressed about it.

However. I get up with DS every morning, except Sunday when I get a lie in. This week DS has been waking around 6am. It is ALWAYS me that gets up with him in the week, never DH. I then have to get DH up like he's a teenager, shouting up the stairs, taking him a drink, waking him up again. It's me that gets DS downstairs and having his breakfast, which given he is three is not always straightforward.

Whe we get home from work, DH goes straight upstairs every night. This is not related to his course, he always does and has, even pre-course. He goes upstairs to play on his PC. So I am with DS from the minute I get in from work. Playing with him, feeding him, getting him ready for bed etc. DH will then read him a story and settle him. He will then come downstairs, usually about 9pm but sometimes 10pm. Then we will eat.

It really annoys me we don't eat as a family. I've mentioned this a lot and said 'from now on we eat together as a family' but it's a constant battle and rarely happens as DH isn't hungry at 6pm as he's 'had a sandwich at 3' or whatever.

I do pretty much all the housework (he does clean up and hoover on a Friday, but that's it). All the laundry, admin, finances, sorting out what we are going to eat, cooking, washing up etc. His room where is PC is vile. Rubbish all over the floor, cups with mold in. Like a students room. I keep the house clean but I won't do his room but it upsets me he lives like that.

The last few weekends DH has needed to do coursework. Fine. I have looked after DS on my own all day. I don't mind this, I like spending time with DS and I appreciate DH needs time to do his work.

Today I took DS to the greengrocers and we picked nice vegetables and then the fishmongers to pick nice fish for dinner. I told DH we had done this. I also bought some mussels and some really nice bread for DH and I to have tomorrow night when DS is staying at my parents.

At 5:15 I went to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. I haven't seen DH all day as he has been in his room doing his course work. He wanders in with a plate in his. He's just had a sandwich. With the nice crusty bread. Didn't consult with me or speak to anyone, had just sorted him self out as usual. So he wouldn't want dinner. In fact he was going to have a bath.

I am afraid I lost it at this point and started yelling at him that he was like a lodger in the attic, took no part in family life etc. He then yelled back but started effing and blinding in front of DS. I have told him over and over again to stop swearing in front of DS and that I won't have it, but he does. At that point I am afraid I said if he kept swearing in front of DS I would leave him and he would not get to see him because it was unacceptable. I am ashamed of that but I had lost my temper and I HATE him swearing in front of him and I feel really strongly about it.

I want to be able to clearly articulate to DH what I am so upset about. It's not just the dinner. He started saying "Oh God I won't do this course then". I don't mind him needing the weekends to do course work (it's not ideal but I am ok with it) it's the fact he doesn't involve himself as a part of the family. He can still eat at lunchtime and dinner time whilst getting his work done and it's the lack of thought or being 'part' of us. I have no idea if that makes any sense.

If anyone can help me put this into words I can make him understand, I would be really greatful. If you've not fallen asleep reading this.

[catgirl1976]

Yes. I know I am repeating the model of my DPs relationship. It's embarassingly simple in so many ways. But given I can see that, I don't know why I am putting up with it. I think counselling might give me the answer to that. I actually feel quite excited - is that odd? It feels like a little light at the end of a tunnel!

[catgirl1976]

Not to make light of it, but DS did make me smile. I feel dreadful for kicking off at DH in front of him, but his reaction (when things had calmed down and I was just crying) was to put a blanket on DHs head and say "I've covered him up Mummy. He can stay there until he says sorry". and then gave me a big cuddle and put a box on his head to make me smile.

I know I've probably scarred him for life, but it did cheer me up a bit :)

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

I think it will be very useful for you, and I really hope it helps.

You always sound lovely on here, you're obviously intelligent and a very caring mother, so it is frustrating that you allow yourself to be treated so badly. That sounds harsh, I don't mean it to, I just think you deserve so much better. You should be treated so much better.

[Chippednailvarnish]

If you're not happy with who the health insurance send you to, can you try to go back to the person you saw at Relate?

It sounds like she knew exactly what she was dealing with.

[ltk]

Cat your life honestly will be better without him. There will be less work to do - less cooking, less laundry, no bringing him drinks in bed to get him up - and all that frustration and anger that must bubble away in you almost constantly... it will evaporate. Your ds will notice that all that emotional mess is gone and he can just see you.

Do you feel ready to talk about how you might seperate? You already mentioned your provisional license which is such a step to freedom. What other steps could you take? Who could you contact for rl help and advice?

[catgirl1976]

I think she did say she would see me on my own. I may call them actually as I really clicked with her. That's a good idea. I'll try the work one first (it will be free) but if I don't click with them I'll call Relate. I remember her name and she was lovely. Not patronising and very sharp. I liked her.

[catgirl1976]

I could stay with my parent ltk, though it wouldn't be ideal. Or I do have a friend who would let me and DS stay with her for a while. There;s options, but I'm not sure I am ready yet. I think the counselling is the first / next step now for me.

[MrsSheRa]

Catgirl you have NOT scarred your son of life

I have just seen the comments about you having posted about your Dh for a long time now. It sounds like you have been on your own in this relationship so you really might aswell tell him to leave.

Bless your little ds with the blanket/box.

[Phineyj]

Check with your work policy and see if they will reimburse (mine does). If you clicked with the counsellor, that's really important. As to why you are repeating your DPs' mistakes - it's your normal, just an ingrained habit. You will be able to break it, with some sustained effort and support.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Cat

re your comment:-

"Yes. I know I am repeating the model of my DPs relationship. It's embarassingly simple in so many ways. But given I can see that, I don't know why I am putting up with it"

Its probably because it is and became your "norm"; you grew up seeing similar and have learnt from it accordingly. You don't know any different, no-one bothered to show you a better way.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Your parents taught you a whole shedload of damaging lessons. These can be unlearnt but its going to take time and an awful lot of hard emotional work on your part to achieve that.

I think that counselling is an essential requirement for you here to actually enable you to move on. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find someone that fits in with you. Therefore the first person you see might not be the right one for you. You liked this Relate counsellor; you may well be able to see her again.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Cat

How would you feel about telling him to move out?.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

I do think it sounds as though you have made a massive step forward already. Just one step at a time, and you will have an army of Mners wishing you luck, and there for support. Well done for taking action so far, it is a big step, actually recognising the situation

[Chippednailvarnish]

Attila has a good point, it would be far less disruptive for your DS for your DH to leave.

[ltk]

I love your ds's reaction. Even at 3, he has spotted the problem.

[catgirl1976]

I think he would refuse to go :(

[ltk]

I don't think YOU should move out. I hope he will. And I think you have taken quite a few significant steps already. Keep going!

[Chippednailvarnish]

I doubt if he could afford to stay without your salary...

Anyway these are things that you have time to consider.

[sleeponeday]

Unfortuantly they Relate refused to see us as they felt a lot of his behaviour was abusive (not physically) and they won't counsel couples where that is they case. I was gutted as I thought it would help

I think it did help. It spelled out that you are in an abusive relationship, and a skilled and experienced 3rd party was sure enough of it to refuse to engage with you as a couple.

What was your "D" P's response to hearing he is an abuser?

Please go back to the counsellor. She will help you move forwards on this.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Oh you poor love. He was minimising it when you knew you were poorly too. Are you better now?
Counselling for you is a good idea but you are going to have to accept that you can't fix him by your actions. You are fine apart from something emotional that keeps you trying to fix this broken thing, to turn this into success somehow. I've seen you argue so well on here and it makes me think you believe you can change him if you just really try harder.
You are a person who's worth more. It shouldn't be this much work.

[Mintyy]

Honestly Cat, you hold all the cards as you earn the money.

You and ds can move to a place where you don't need to drive (and obviously carry on with your driving lessons).

Would you think about that?

Why do you love him? he sounds quite unlovable from an outsider's perspective.

[Shuang]

God cat I have to say this sounds so familiar and brings back lots of memories. Luckily they are, or at least are going to be memories very soon.
STBX and I moved to our current house just before our son was born and he got to have a room as his 'office'. In this office he watched films and played video games till early hours and sometimes fell asleep in the chair until I found him at 6 o'clock in the morning.
The room is the filthiest room I have ever seen and trust me I have seen pigsties.
He very very rarely ate with us because he was not hungry. Not involved in or slightly interested in family activities in or outside the house.
Eventually I was approached by OW with proof of their year-long 'relationship' e.g. the messages they lovingly exchanged, the photo of his horny-ness and much more. All produced and sent from the OFFICE.
I have read it somewhere that men will not cherish things they haven't invested in. It's certainly true in my case. I have been in this relationship on my own for years and how I could have done without the resentment!
Glad you are taking actions already. Much cleverer than me. I didn't wake up until shaken by a shameless slut.
All the best to you. X

[MilesHuntsWig]

Wouldn't asking him to go indicate just how serious you are about this? Anyway, it sounds like you're not ready to do that yet. Really hope the counselling works for you.

[catgirl1976]

Thanks everyone.

Giddy - I am better, thank you. Just shattered

Shaung - I am so sorry about the OW, but (without being awful) it sounds like she did you a huge favour.

I'm so wiped out I'm sorry I haven't replied to everyone indiviudally, but please know I really appreciate the support (even the 'FGS woman, sort it out' variety)

I'm going to get the counselling and I'm going to learn to drive. I think both these things will help.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Don't underestimate the effects of how ill you've been. It takes some time to get over. I found that my DH is my rock when the going gets tough. He can be a twit at times but by god he comes through when the chips are down. I do carry the glue of the day to day running of the house but he pulls his weight in ways that work for us. You don't get that compensation. You should.

[turbonerd]

I remember you. It would probably be doubly helpful for you to get rid and have counselling at the same time.
An access course dies not require that much work. Your H must be really thick, or really cunning to pretend it takes that much time. I did mine newly single, ex with restraining order and 3 kids.
So as you know, something here does not add up and that is your H.
I do hope you leave him. He is abusive, no doubt, yelling and intimidating you into accepting his shit treatment of you and your son.
No judgypants on here, been there and got the diploma in bonkers relationship. Just cannot emphasize enough how much, much happier you will be without this weight around your neck. I had heart palpitations, pms, food intolerances etc. Or so I thought. It was all causedby the anxiety of living with an abusive arse!
Wishing you a happy, H free summer.