AIBU to leave DP because he's not very bright

[williaminajetfighter]

It's brutal I know but I just don't think I can stay with DP any longer because I find him quite ignorant and not very bright, and it is causing huge problems in our relationship and communication.

I know DP had a pretty poor education, left school at 15 and so is lacking in traditional educational knowledge. Grammar, spelling are very poor as is his general knowledge of maths, literature etc. His parents did nothing to foster a love of learning.

But then there is 'learned knowledge' since then and he isn't intellectually curious, hasn't really picked up a book since school, barely reads a paper (except the Metro) and thus has a fairly limited worldview. He actually shows disdain for knowledge, IYSWIM.

Finally I just don't think he's very sharp so he doesn't pick things up quickly.

It sounds incredibly mean when I write it all down but it causes huge problems on an everyday basis. For instance things I've faced this weekend in our conversations:

(a) I tried to talk to him about politics but the conversation blew up because he's so uninformed and got angry when I used the word 'libertarian' (really);
(b) I tried to have a conversation with him about household finances (which I lead) but he hates numbers and got cross;

(c) I tried to have a conversation with him about some elements of childcare such as more natural ways of dealing with baby eczema or limiting paracetemol but he thinks whatever I read is nonsense because all parenting should be 'assumed' and
(d) I tried to talk to him about about being a vegetarian and having veggie-only nights for the children but he scoffs at me because he's read nothing about the merits of vegetarianism.

These are just a few things I dealt with over the weekend and a reflection of my day to day. The other day I made a reference to Pip from Great Expectations - a pretty well known tome - and he just looked at me blankly. It sounds trite but it's pretty wearing.

When we got together I found him 'light and fun' and the years after were heavily 'operational' focusing on getting a house and having young children. Now that time has passed and we have more time for each other I am finding that we are just not a meeting of the minds and his ignorance and lack of intellectual curiosity is really offputting. I would like to grow older with someone who I can have engaging conversations with and although he is a fine father and a supportive partner who has never cheated and is really loyal, I just don't think I can be with him.

It sounds so harsh but AIBU? Has anyone else experienced this? From his POV I suppose it's not really fair to stay with him if I think he's not bright!

I completely understand why you find this frustrating and uninspiring - a person's intellect and the quality of their conversation has always one of the biggest attractions for me, and even if there is not much in the way of formal education I am naturally drawn to people who are sparky and intellectually curious and who like to think about stuff, and then discuss it.

To be with someone conversationally dull and inarticulate, whose brain just rolled along on a flat, straight path without ever deviating would drive me bonkers.

I am not sure how on earth you ended up married to someone like that in the first place, but you did, presumably because of all his other wonderful redeeming features, so it seems a bit tough to hold it against him now.

Reading the first page of this i'm going against the grain- but YABU.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who has obviously been incompatible from the start? Think thats very unfair on your DH if i'm honest.

hereandtherex
"He regards all humanities as hobbies/jokes and History esp. as nothing more than an individual view or opinion - he does have a point."

"He's not snobby"

What, snobby? No, no, he isn't. Honestly

"My OH has Science Masters + seriously smart - he knows everything, even before stuff happens!"

Wow, even before stuff happens? Magic. Do you worship the ground he walks on? If not, you should seriously consider it.

Well, I am sure a man coming on here to complain that he wanted to split with his wife because she was not very good at diy, or that her cooking was boring, or that she was a bit dim, would go down well...

I am sure there are plenty of women here, who have less challenging jobs than their husbands, are less intellectual, and perhaps not as smart as them, but they are still valued for the contribution they make to their family, for being good mums, good wives, and nice people.
A truly bright man would realize that a more intellectual wife might not bring the family happiness....

People, can you honestly say that you are as bright as your dps? All of you?

The paracetamol/calpol thing would really worry me - when I was a nurse, I looked after someone who had overdosed on paracetamol, and nearly died of it. Iirc, they ended up on kidney dialysis for life.

He needs to understand that over-the-counter medications are safe, ^but ONLY if taken according to the instructions. If he can't or won't follow them, he should not be giving medicines to your child.

Only you know what is right for you.i was in a similar position and married someone who was educationally not on my level.there were other issues in our marriage and I would have carried on indefinitely in the relationship but in the end my husband chose to leave.it is only now we are divorced with retrospect and now I am with someone much more on my level I can see the disparities in the realtionship.agree with what a pp poster said with regards to having a similar outlook on life-our parenting styles were different,respect and acknowledgement of importance of education,I ran the family finances and day to day running of household along with everything else and it was a drain.Now I feel much more that I have found my equal.
Hope you find the right decision for you.

I know things sometimes come out I just wouldn't necessarily expect everyone to get it. I made a similar reference to the mad woman in the attic from Jane Eyre the other day and dh didn't get it but I don't think any less of dh for not knowing what I was on about. Dh has read Crime and Punishment, I haven't.

I do get where you are coming from and as I said before perhaps you have just grown apart. It sounds as if you are seeking out differences in order to justify your feelings. You can't help the way you feel, I wouldn't criticise you for that.

You don't have to justify why you feel the way you do. If you don't feel that you are compatible together anymore you have to have a serious think about how you see your future.

But your examples are all liberal, wooly minded pseudo-intellectual type comments that anyone of a more practical nature would find possibly rather irritating, and therefore disengage from. How many non-vegetarians are likely to want to discuss the in depth benefits of vegetarianism? "Libertarian" is rather a vague term and not one that would tend to be used in all but the most philosophical, as opposed to hard evidence based arguments (it would be unacceptable in my field). Ditto detailed discussions on baby excema and overuse of paracetamol

So discussing politics, household finances, childcare - including eczema and paracetamol overuse - and vegetarianism is 'pseudo-intellectual'? Seriously?

If 'libertarian' is a 'vague term' where does that leave 'pseudo-intellectual'?

Sometimes I think people who are not intellectually inclined, and insecure about it, will dismiss any cultural or literary reference they are not familiar with as 'pseudo-intellectual'. I have seen nothing that indicates that the OP was striking a pose, point-scoring or trying to make herself look better than her DP. Her intellect is genuine, not fake. Hence her profound frustration when she shares what's in her head and then gets bollocked by someone who doesn't understand it and, crucially, doesn't want to understand it - or her.

I am in this boat and it's lonely and depressing and a taboo to admit it. DH has no interest in anything outside his field. It also turns out he's not handy around the house because his parents did little around their house and taught him few practical skills. I missed seeing these things because we were in a long-distance relationship with all the excitement that entails. When we were dating he had several shelves of interesting books that I assumed he had read. Turns out friends had passed them along to him before they moved.

A few days ago we had a conversation about a person called Noah. DH kept referring to "him or her," and finally I said, "Noah is a man's name." He argued, "Not necessarily." I said, "It's a man's name. It's Biblical." He said, "Whatever," and rolled his eyes. Hope that doesn't make me a "pseudo-intellectual."

If you haven't made a specific point of reading Dickens, which unless you are an English literature Arts graduate is entirely possible, you might not immediately recognise "Pip" from "Great Expectations".

We had plenty of exposure to Dickens at school. Several different schools, because I moved around a bit. It all made sense when I learnt that he was paid by the word. Much as I find Dickens' literature overblown and tedious, I do know of Pip from Great Expectations.

Well we didn't have any exposure to Dickens at school. We hardly read anything at all.

In the case of the guy who sneers at history graduates, the good, simple phrase "arrogant twat" comes to mind.

As I mentioned early, DH and I are both STEM types, but I am in absolute awe of people who know an incredible amount about history. I can understand the gist of various events, but I'm lost with names and dates. I simply don't retain them.

Somethinng depending on the context your DH could have been right, Noa is a very popular name for girls in Israel. Unless he had seen the name written it is perfectly plausible that Noah/Noa could be male or female.

• something sorry

That's possible, Heffa. Didn't know that. (It was Noah with an H, and he was a he after all.) Thanks for telling me!

Yes it's the sneering and narrow-mindedness that would be the issue for me rather than lack of intellect.

My exh was a very clever man but at technical/practical subjects and always scoffed at my arty farty interests so I felt I could never really be myself.

I also find that people like this have a very simplistic view of the world and it shows in their politics.

You are fundamentally so different I don't see how you can stay with him happily.

YANBU. I have been in the same situation. Lovely man. I tried so hard to talk myself round and persuade myself that it didn't really matter/I could get my intellectual stimulation from elsewhere etc. But ultimately it really did matter and I am v. glad I decided to call time on the relationship. Respect is the glue of a relationship and I think being v. poorly matched intellectually challenges that in a major way. Try not to feel guilty about how you feel. If you do leave, just do it as kindly as you are able. You have my every sympathy.

See DH and I will often reference things that one another don't understand. So we ask ( although sometimes DH pretends he knows).

I feel for you OP. However you got yourself into this situation, it is clear that it now upsets you enough to consider splitting up.
I am sure this is not something you take lightly, and you are probably weighing in your head the consequences it will have on everyone around you.
There's a lot of thinking and soul searching that you have to do.
I can't even begin to think how I would explain my DP why I want to separate, especially if it came out of the blue..... Sorry I know this is not helpful!

The kids education is however an important and very tangible point, and maybe this is your way out. You have to be sure you are doing your best for their future.

I posted earlier but just wanted to add something.

DH and I are pretty well matched in terms of level of education etc. However, his parents watched very little TV when he and his brother were growing up and he rarely gets references to shows, films etc that pretty much everyone knows. Think really really obvious ones - I guess today's equivalent would be not having heard of Frozen, for example? It's frustrating but not the end of the world.

Now imagine that with every other aspect of your life - the non-recognition, the time taken to explain a 'joke', the small snippets of conversation that make up everyday life. How tedious everything would become! The other day, we walked past a restaurant and a man sitting outside looked like Boris Johnson. I said to DH, 'There's Boris, 9 o'clock' and we both had a quiet laugh as we carried on walking by. Possibly not the best example but to all those naysayers - can you really not empathize with the OP? It must be soul destroying!

I think that's rather unkind, VoyageOfDad. Yes, I did express surprise myself at how OP found herself in this situation, earlier in this thread, and she has explained how it got to that point. Even people who are intellectual equals may have a lot of uncommon ground in their background knowledge base. DH has an encyclopaedic knowledge of films which often gets a blank look from me and that's reciprocated in my general knowledge of a many genres of music. Neither of those things are anything to do with education and neither are dealbreakers because we can explain that particular cultural reference to each other because we can listen to each other respectfully. The same goes for things that we do know through our own education or professional interests. I'm not rude or dismissive when he's talking to me about something he's doing with a database with millions of entries. I've learnt enough through my own intellectual curiosity to get the basics and I'll ask for clarification (not necessarily with a straight face) if something goes straight over my head.

When it comes to things to do with the kids, it does end up being me who does most of the reading and organising (both have SN, with all the headaches and paperwork that generates). He listens though and offers ideas. He isn't rude and doesn't dismissively go out of his way to ignore me, even though he admits to being intimidated by educational and medical jargon.

OP doesn't have this equality. At the time in their lives when the partying is over and companionship at home, with young children to look after is increasingly important, OP is noticing the tumbleweed when she talks about something in a way that is natural to her, using the vocabulary she has gained form her own education and life experiences and the abrupt and even dangerous dismissal of her when she's trying to work her way through the minefield of parenting.

Seeing her DH as being "thick" has nothing to do with it.

I think you have just grown apart

The examples you give seem trivial on the face of it, but I can imagine how disheartening it can be whe faced with it in every interaction between the two of you.