AIBU to leave DP because he's not very bright

[williaminajetfighter]

It's brutal I know but I just don't think I can stay with DP any longer because I find him quite ignorant and not very bright, and it is causing huge problems in our relationship and communication.

I know DP had a pretty poor education, left school at 15 and so is lacking in traditional educational knowledge. Grammar, spelling are very poor as is his general knowledge of maths, literature etc. His parents did nothing to foster a love of learning.

But then there is 'learned knowledge' since then and he isn't intellectually curious, hasn't really picked up a book since school, barely reads a paper (except the Metro) and thus has a fairly limited worldview. He actually shows disdain for knowledge, IYSWIM.

Finally I just don't think he's very sharp so he doesn't pick things up quickly.

It sounds incredibly mean when I write it all down but it causes huge problems on an everyday basis. For instance things I've faced this weekend in our conversations:

(a) I tried to talk to him about politics but the conversation blew up because he's so uninformed and got angry when I used the word 'libertarian' (really);
(b) I tried to have a conversation with him about household finances (which I lead) but he hates numbers and got cross;

(c) I tried to have a conversation with him about some elements of childcare such as more natural ways of dealing with baby eczema or limiting paracetemol but he thinks whatever I read is nonsense because all parenting should be 'assumed' and
(d) I tried to talk to him about about being a vegetarian and having veggie-only nights for the children but he scoffs at me because he's read nothing about the merits of vegetarianism.

These are just a few things I dealt with over the weekend and a reflection of my day to day. The other day I made a reference to Pip from Great Expectations - a pretty well known tome - and he just looked at me blankly. It sounds trite but it's pretty wearing.

When we got together I found him 'light and fun' and the years after were heavily 'operational' focusing on getting a house and having young children. Now that time has passed and we have more time for each other I am finding that we are just not a meeting of the minds and his ignorance and lack of intellectual curiosity is really offputting. I would like to grow older with someone who I can have engaging conversations with and although he is a fine father and a supportive partner who has never cheated and is really loyal, I just don't think I can be with him.

It sounds so harsh but AIBU? Has anyone else experienced this? From his POV I suppose it's not really fair to stay with him if I think he's not bright!

You sound as if you are trying to catch him out. You say that he got cross when you used the word Libertarian, I wouldn't use that word if I was having a conversation with my mil or my Mum, they wouldn't know what it meant and would think that I was being superior. Do you use words knowing that he won't know what you are on about?

I could have written your post. YANBU at all! It's not just about lack of intelligence but a broader incompatibility. And for me a lack of desire to become more educated, I love to read everything I can get my hands on I want to know more about the world but my P just couldn't care feels so suffocating and limiting.

There are other reasons I'm planning to leave but this is a major factor.

I agree that it's outlook, not education.
You do sound mismatched.
That said, my mum was with my dad who was superior to all of us in all ways and knew more than all of us about everything (narcissist - I'm not saying you are!) And after they divorced she met a much more simpler, kinder man and she couldn't be happier. But it's horses for courses innit
I couldn't imagine living with someone so different to me. I think I've brainwashed my dh over the years though

I'm not sure c and d come under intellectually curious, tbh. There must be quite a lot of people who are clever, well educated and take an interest in current affairs who have no interest in either vegetarianism or limiting the use of modern medicinal options.

But if you feel you're not compatible in a fundamental way and it's making you unhappy in the relationship, I'm not sure you're BU. The rest of your life is a long time to spend with someone you've got nothing to say to anymore.

Bunny and Kera I think your opinions are a bit unfair on the op and others in her situation, would you say the same to a woman in an abusive relationship? Men don't turn up on the first day and say hi I'm X and I'm an uneducated and ignorant twunt who wants to vote ukip do they??

These things only become apparent and hateful after you've spent time together, by which time you may feel trapped in the relationship for whatever reason-financially, family, companionship etc

thehumanjam - I really am not trying to catch him out and I certainly don't go around quoting shakespeare or using big words to see what it means. In this instance I was talking about ideas of big government and small government and thus used the word libertarian which is appropriate in a discussion about politics. The thing is I don't want to have to edit what I say either so it's palatable for him or so I don't offend him. It's a tough balance.

I'm sorry I agree with Bunny.

An abusive man may not reveal his true colours for some time, but lack of intelligence is evident from the start.

Seriously Os you're comparing being with someone who is stupid with being in an abusive relationship??

FFS .

Don't most abusers start off charming and caring and then reveal their true selves? Maybe OP's H started their relationship quoting Nietzsche and devouring Dostoyevsky before revealing his true stupidity eh?

YANBU. I simply couldn't function in a relationship with someone who couldn't think as quickly as me.

Is he kind and thoughtful william? I find that I can get over ignorance if the persons heart is in the right place. Although I admit that it would be harder to accept it from a partner than it would from a parent.

Perhaps you have just outgrown each other.

All men start out charming or else we wouldn't date them! Or funny or witty or handsome or any number of things!

A superior attitude is of no help to the op right now I'm sure neither of you ever dated anyone slightly inappropriate or fell in love with someone only to realise they're weren't who you thought they were. Irrespective, it can happen. It happened to me and it happened to the op and a few other pps

(NC for this) I thought for quite a while I was in a similar situation. My DH is not educated to anywhere near the same degree as me and comes from a family with far lower expectations/levels of academic achievement. He also does not read books (any books), and when I first met him (he lived in another country and had never been to Europe) had very little understanding of things like European history, politics etc (he thought, for example, that Hitler started both the first and second world wars). And he had absolutely no idea about literature of any kind. Not a clue (he is by the way English-speaking, although not from the UK). I then found out that he is severely dyslexic, which is why he does not read books, and although he is not very educated he is curious and keen to learn, watches the news, listens to me reading him newspaper articles etc.

Over the ten years I have been with him (he moved to the UK to be with me) he still would not be able to tell you who Lewis Carroll was, or Mark Twain, or what the wars of the Roses were, but he has learned a lot and I realise that he is undereducated and poorly-read, but not at all unintelligent. I still have to do all the things that require "book learning" type knowledge (one of or DC's has a medical condition that requires a lot of understanding, for example, and I have to deal with everything about that, lisiae with the professionals etc). But I have learned to respect his level of thought and natural insight, which can at times far surpass my far more educated viewpoint in terms of usefulness.

I think what I am saying is that lack of knowledge/education/reading etc is liveable with, and even provides a refreshing contrast at times to my very intellectualised style. But a basic lack of intelligence, and especially a lack of curiosity and willingness to learn and discover, that I would not be able to live with. I am not a snob, I would totally sympathise wth someone who has problems in thinking, and I do not denigrate their worth (I work with people with intellectual disbilities), but I would not be able to stay married to someone like that.

Os it's why the phrase marry in haste repent at leisure was invented. Get to know someone properly before you commit. It's not like abuse that's a absurd comparison.

My sister actually dumped someone who read too much it's about finding someone who is right for you.

Also the kind and thoughtful thing my window cleaner is kind and thoughtful but I'd don't want to marry him. Don't set your bar too low!

Physical attraction counts for a lot in the early days/weeks .

But marriage and kids with someone unintelligent? No, not for me.

Intellectual curiosity is a necessity for me.

Is there nothing else you can do together that doesn't involve knowing about 'pip' or libertarianism? Hobbies? Getting fit?

Perhaps he gets sick of the eye rolling every time he misses a book reference or political joke. I'd find that pretty wearing.

I think it doesn't matter/isn't noticeable at first because you do date stuff, you have a drink, you watch films all that stuff but as it becomes day to day and normal you start realising. I was working in a busy environment, still saw 'intellectual' friends etc and it's like I've just realised over the last year or so that I'm stuck now, doing algebra, relearning Kings of Britain, watching Question Time alone and reading books I don't bother mentioning.
And using big words is totally normal for some people - language is brilliant and I don't see why I shouldn't expose the children to decent vocabulary and use it myself

A friend ofine split from her first husband for exactly this reason, so I understand completely. As you say - it's not education, or lack of it, it's the lack of curiosity. YANBU but that in itself is not going to make it any easier. My friend didn't have DC so was able to walk away relatively easily. You don't have that option.

YANBU. It must be so disheartening to be with someone who derides your intellectual abilities, rather than has a decent discussion with you about whatever it may be. I think it says a lot about your DH's attitude too. My friend is married to someone who left school at 15. He was a SAHD whilst she carved out her career and now the kids are older, he's completed an access course and is currently halfway through a degree. He didn't have the opportunities when he was younger, but he hasn't closed himself off to them. That would be the sticking point for me. Good luck, OP.

Yes I had a while of being worried about this, as I married in haste (within a few weeks of the start of the relationship, big physical attraction thing.....) and then wondered a while later if this very issue was going to be a problem. Ten years down the line, turns out it isn't, for the reasons I have described above. But if it had, I think the relationship would not have worked out in the end. I would have started lacking respect for him, and that would be very bad. As it is, the older I get the more respect I have for him and the more I appreciate him and his qualities.

Was he really good in bed when you met or something?

I think it's perfectly understandable to want to split up under these circumstances. However you should probably do so quickly before you start behaving in a contemptuous way towards him (I must be honest, some of your posts about him sound a bit that way already). Kids pick up on those attitudes v v easily.

He may be less intelligent than you but that doesn't make him a less valuable person. It really doesn't, you know.

What does he do for work? It could just be that he is a more practical type rather than actually unintelligent. Practical people are very useful round the house!

I have a masters degree and read a lot, but I wouldn't be willing to read up on the benefits of a veggie diet either. I enjoy eating meat, absolutely crave it and I have no interest in vegetarianism. Also if he has a manual job, he probably feels he needs to east meat for easy protein. Are you coming across as lecturing with this and the politics? No wonder he gets cross and rejects it.

If he is a good, loyal man can you not try and appreciate his strengths, rather than honing in on what you see as weaknesses?

Plant - I never said he was less valuable, but of course I am feeling enormously frustrating having a relationship devoid of proper conversation and feeling like I'm missing out on this big aspect of a relationship.

And yes, he was great in bed when we met - although that has simmered out quite substantially as well - as it normally does!

What has also helped is that my DH has not got the slightest shred of self-consciousness about the fact that I am, to the outside observer, obviously much more educated/high-achieving/well-read/better spoken etc than him. He does not resent it at all, and does mot see it as an issue himself. He has great self-esteem and does not care if he does not understand every word I say, he knows if it is something important to me I will explain it to him. If we have friends around and I get into a heated political debate or talk about literature or history with them, in a way that he would never be able to join in, he simply lets us get on with it.

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel this way. I understand. I know I couldn't have married someone I was incompatible with in this way.

Hi op. To me it sounds like the problem is more that he gets angry and cross when u try to talk about things that u both have to deal with. If u were able to talk about things properly would it matter less that intellectually he is on a different level?