Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Friends DH has left her, she doesn't know why but I do .

137 replies

kittensinmydinner · 03/05/2015 13:59

This is a very difficult one. Good friend (not super close - but very long term, we were at school together) anyway friend has been married 10yrs with two dcs 8 and 5. Works part time all seems fine on the surface. Except - good friend (gf) has piled on weight since the babies and is now 16st . Her Dh is very good friends with mine and has talked to him (and now me) a lot about the situation. Her DH loves her, but no longer finds her sexually attractive. Her weight has caused her to become very sedentary and no longer wishing to participate in the sporting activity that both our families enjoy. Her DH spoke about this a few times over the last 5 yrs to ask advice on how to suggest/support/encourage her to lose weight. I know from conversations with him that he has NEVER badgered her (and to me she seems to make light of her weight and jokes that their sex life isn't what it used to be but 'hey ho he loves me warts and all') So, to the nub of the dilemma. Friend is 42yrs old, her DH is 45. He wants to have sex, he confided he hasn't had sex for 4 y but can no longer live in a celibate marriage. He will also not look outside the marriage for sex. So what are his options. He has tried to suggest weight loss from the health perspective but this has fallen on deaf ears. He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel but otoh is it really fair to leave someone without discussing his reasons and giving the other party the chance to do something. He has seriously thought about just knuckling down to a sexless marriage but cannot reconcile to it (and why should he) his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it. She seems content to close down that part of her marriage. Anyway he came over last night, having made the decision that he has to go, and told his dw that it's over . She is obviously devastated And knowing he came to see us last night, has phoned me and asked why he has left ? I have been a coward and sat on the fence, told her he seemed upset and unhappy...should I tell her the reason ? Or keep my counsel. The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort , he really is a good father, affectionate husband and great provider. He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. Wwyd ?

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 04/05/2015 16:30

SilverBirch EXACTLY And in 6 pages no one has considered the fact that he may have stopped having sex with her first and she may have comfort ate as a result of that.

A quick search of this boards history will show its more common than you think. And in threads of that nature the H will often rewrite history by saying the weight gain came first.

I agree with Silver Birch and AF There is OW here somewhere.

Silver ive lost a lot of weight (ten stone) and it DOES change you It makes you more confident and assertive. Less willing to put up with crap.

These kinds of men really should be careful what they wish for.

HelenaDove · 04/05/2015 16:33

YY Stacey I wonder how much parenting of his own children he did so she could have some leisure time.

Stitchintime1 · 04/05/2015 16:36

Probably half of what he's saying is a cover story/lie. And it's gruesome that he's talking to you and you know her.

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 04/05/2015 17:20

Suggest that they need relationship counselling, and that you can't provide that. He needs to prioritise his children. And say that, whilst you know he needs support, so does she, and that you feel that your loyalties are being torn both ways.

FryOneFatManic · 04/05/2015 19:19

TBH, having gone back and read the OP, I can't see anywhere that the things told to the OP by the DH have been confirmed by the friend.

We don't know that they haven't had sex for 4 years, after all, his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it and it's so common for men to use this as a justification. A justification that's often news to the wife.

We don't know, and I strongly suspect the OP doesn't really know, what the marriage has been like behind closed doors.

Everything in the OP has been "he said", and she's been making assumptions about the friend as the friend hasn't said anything.

So yes, I think there's someone else in the wings.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/05/2015 19:26

The fact that he is discussing his feelings with you and your dh, not his wife, tells me there are deeper issues. I would try and keep out of it tbh.

TheMagnificientFour · 04/05/2015 19:40

Another perspective here.
I have an illness that means that I can't do the sporty thngs that I used to do with DH (and now the dcs).
I also have put on weight because basically I'm so tired that I use sugar to give me quick boost to get through the day.

So I've had no energy for sex, no energy to do the things we use to do.

Is that a reason good enough for my DH to leave the marriage? I hope not.

Behind weight gain, there is always a reason. It might be sheer tiredness, it might be emotional. It might be ressentment to see her DH carrying with his life pre dcs whilst she is tied up with the dcs. She might be finding motherhood a real hardship. Whatever.
But just putting the spot light on her weight isn't going to help anyone. Looking at supporting her in other areas would have been much more helpful. And so woould have been a discussion between them to see how she feels and what is going on rather than the weight issue only.

I would also ask if keeping the sport activity she had before dcs is essential. Don't they have other things that they like doing together? Is there not something else they both enjoy doing that isn't sporty? Why does it have to that and nothing so he can be happy?

I'm also with the idea that he is withdrawing sex as he doesn't find her attractive but he is the one saying he can't live in a marriage that is sexless. Did I miss something there?

AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 19:43

You missed the strong possibility that op is actually the bloke concerned or the woman he has next in line

TheMagnificientFour · 04/05/2015 19:45

owl yes I agree the 'in sickness and in health' from the marriage wows came to mind too.

kitten I would stay well out of it. Serioulsy, you have no idea what is actually going on.
And if her DH has just left her like this wo giving her the opportuntiy to improve things (and he hasn't if the only reason is the weight but he hasn't really told her it's a deal breaker for him), then your friend must be in a right state.
So maybe go and support her and keep your mouth shut re what her ex said. Because he has jhust behave like a huge prick there.

ALaughAMinute · 04/05/2015 20:45

Never get involved in anyone else's marital problems. If she wants to talk to you, be a listening ear, but don't whatever you do get involved.

Azulejo9 · 04/05/2015 20:47

Keep out of it. It's really not your business. Sorry

Bahh · 04/05/2015 21:18

Tell her, and tell him you're telling her.

This happened to me with my ex. I ended up leaving him after realising he was an AB waste of space. But for the previous four years he had been repulsed by my weight and had used AD as an excuse for why we never had sex. He was happy to tell all of his internet pals what a fat disgusting mess I was and that he could never 'get it up for such a pig'. I appreciate he's not quite as repugnant as my ex but it's the same principle. Absolutely soul destroying and humiliating for her. Help her.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6