Friends DH has left her, she doesn't know why but I do .

[kittensinmydinner]

This is a very difficult one. Good friend (not super close - but very long term, we were at school together) anyway friend has been married 10yrs with two dcs 8 and 5. Works part time all seems fine on the surface. Except - good friend (gf) has piled on weight since the babies and is now 16st . Her Dh is very good friends with mine and has talked to him (and now me) a lot about the situation. Her DH loves her, but no longer finds her sexually attractive. Her weight has caused her to become very sedentary and no longer wishing to participate in the sporting activity that both our families enjoy. Her DH spoke about this a few times over the last 5 yrs to ask advice on how to suggest/support/encourage her to lose weight. I know from conversations with him that he has NEVER badgered her (and to me she seems to make light of her weight and jokes that their sex life isn't what it used to be but 'hey ho he loves me warts and all') So, to the nub of the dilemma. Friend is 42yrs old, her DH is 45. He wants to have sex, he confided he hasn't had sex for 4 y but can no longer live in a celibate marriage. He will also not look outside the marriage for sex. So what are his options. He has tried to suggest weight loss from the health perspective but this has fallen on deaf ears. He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel but otoh is it really fair to leave someone without discussing his reasons and giving the other party the chance to do something. He has seriously thought about just knuckling down to a sexless marriage but cannot reconcile to it (and why should he) his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it. She seems content to close down that part of her marriage. Anyway he came over last night, having made the decision that he has to go, and told his dw that it's over . She is obviously devastated And knowing he came to see us last night, has phoned me and asked why he has left ? I have been a coward and sat on the fence, told her he seemed upset and unhappy...should I tell her the reason ? Or keep my counsel. The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort , he really is a good father, affectionate husband and great provider. He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. Wwyd ?

I agree that he may be interested in another person, but I really don't think people who are happily married go out looking for other people. So an affair might be more a consequence of their situation at home than a cause.

Him leaving, or leaving for someone else, might be because he is unhappy in his marriage.
Having an affair is not necessarily a consequence of any situation at home. People have affairs sometimes just because they can (and don't care enough about their partners).

You are either the husband, the ow in waiting or just a really shit friend. I would love to know which one if you decide to come back OP.

As sexist as this may sound and I might get flamed for it, ime, men very rarely leave their wives unless there is someone else. Before people come on to tell me stories of men who have left without an OW in the background of course it happens, but ime and from reading the relationship boards it is very rare.

If you are genuine then just keep out. She sounds better off without him anyway.

Totally agree with people saying that you are not who you say you are. How on earth could you make a statement like "I know from conversations that he has NEVER badgered her". What?? You can say that with absolute certainty? And then the fact that you say, how can he make something not "repulse" him, such a strong word! If anyone ever called one of my friends repulsive and I was paraphrasing the conversation I would never use that word to describe my friend, it is so mean. I would say something like "he says he can't make himself fancy her", I would soften it a bit out of loyalty to my friend. But the fact that you talk about her like that shows that whoever you really are, you are certainly not her friend.

Op, are you the ow, are you having an EA with this man.
It's just that you know so much about how he feels and don't seem to see he could be in the wrong.

He's a dishonest twat who is playing you ! A good man would tell his wife and not you.

fwiw you seem very overly invested in their marriage, sounds like he's playing the propaganda card spreading rumours in the run up to introducing the ow

as for a marriage the only people who knows what goes on in it are the two people who are in it

Stay out of it you know nothing and imo you are not her friend

Goodness you sound smug.

He sounds a shallow c**t, she is better off without him. No doubt she will probably shed some of her excess weight once she has escaped from this loveless marriage. Have you considered her wait gain may be precisely because of his lack of ability to sustain desire for someone in a long term relationship. A very very attractive friend's husband left her because although he still loved her he no longer desired her, some men cannot maintain desire in long term relationships. The weight is a red herring.

Does it not occur to you that a man who feels this way about someone for such shallow reasons has issues himself and is unable to maintain a normally loving long term relationship. A man who no longer desires his partner because of how "she looks" will just as easily lose desire as she ages or has health problems, no longer dresses sexily and so on. Just the type of man who trades his partner for a newer, younger, fresher OW.

You are not her friend, if you cannot see that.

Poor Wife is better off out of a marriage with the Man you describe. He is spinning shovels full of shit which are being eaten up with gleefully.

I agree with others, sounds like you have a vested interest in their marriage and I can't understand why you'd side with this guy rather than your "good friend". I best she's glad she's not your enemy....

And you are putting this on the internet because...?

Get a fucking life.!

He is not being honest here, with you or his wife, what's the betting that OW appears on the scene in a month or two...and OP, you are far too involved and interested. And also seem to see only one side of this...t best I think you are being used here as a cover to rewrite history for him

After I discovered the details of my husband's affair it became clear to me that a "good friend" of mine "knew the reasons" for the affair before I did - in other words, she had heard his cowardly cover story and believed it. I knew it because she had been giving me advice which had absolutely nothing to do with the situation I'd been describing to her - advice which perfectly fitted the crap he had been feeding his OW to make his affair all fine and dandy, and him the poor victim. I now have no contact with this "good friend", as she evidently believed him more than she believed me, and was thus actually his friend, not mine. So tell your friend if you like, as she will lose nothing by losing your friendship, and deserves to know that you have been discussing her supposed faults with her husband behind her back.

I notice a lot of responses focussing on the sex issue, however from what the OP said it seems this lady has checked out of more than that in her marriage. If she isnt engaging in family life in the same way anymore because of obesity and she doesnt seem willing to help herself over the weight issue I can offer some sympathy to the husband.
If someone posted here about their DH being morbidly obese and not participating in family activities any more and not taking any responsibility for their weight/health and not having sex with them...then I am sure they would gets lots of suggestions that she could do better !
The best advice the 'friend' could give is that the couple go to councelling together, at least that way the husband would have a safe and supported environment to raise his concerns/issues as would the wife. There is often a lot more to obesity and avoiding sex than just liking to eat too much !

Obesity is a massive health issue on a national scale and is quite obviously an issue in plenty of marriages too, whether the two people within the marriage want to tackle it together is another matter entirely..

People in general need to take sole responsibility for there own health, for some being slim and exercising is a priority and has plenty of benefits for their own self esteem, for others it's not high on their list of priorities, but if it is not they should assume full responsibility for choosing to lead an unhealthy lifestyle..

As usual the weight gain issue has been turned into a elephant in the room, if the other person no longer finds you attractive because of deliberately choosing to take a course of action which damages attraction and desire then the marriage will reap what is sown...

On a personal note I believe there is no reason why a healthy person should be obese other than for incurable medical reasons and quite obviously the aging process taking it's toll...

Thing is, weight and sex issues aside, how is it fairer or kinder to her to discuss her weight and sex life with friends and leave her, without giving her the reason, by telling others the reasons? There is so much more to this than the OP knows or is saying. If he was a decent husband he would speak first to his wife, honestly. No go behind her back and be dishonest. With friends and a husband like that, I feel sorry for the woman. She'll actually be better off without this toxic baggage, bet she loses a load of weight very soon!

The thing is, I have a friend, whose husband threatened to leave her because he find her size repulsive (she had always been quite large).

She lost 5st, becoming slimmer than when he met her. Less than a year later he left her for a pretty but fairly chubby OW, stating my friend had changed since she lost weight, and was more active and assertive and he felt excluded.

Of course it was all about his needs, his control and an inability to maintain a relationship beyond the initial stages of passion.

Being overweight has many negative health associations, I really don't think people become obese through laziness.

If we were all happy bunnies cruising through our lives we'd all be gym going, healthy eating success stories, if you are one of the success stories just be thankful that nothing negative or untoward happened in your life to make you resort to addictive or life threatening behavior.

It's not just willpower or getting a grip, if it was we'd all be fine.

Obesity does have health implications. But when we get married we vow to stick with each other 'in sickness and in health'. There isn't a caveat that says it's ok to check out on the grounds that one spouse is jeopardizing their health and the other is too spineless to discuss it like an adult.

So I guess he didn't make the same marriage vows as everyone else and had an extra clause that says "in sickness and health, unless you put on a few pounds in which case I am out of there,"

My DH has gained a lot of weight over the years - when we met he had a six pack, and a 28" waist and did a lot of sport. Now, a couple of decades later, he has a bad knee which makes it hard to exercise (he often needs a cane to walk) and is on meds which have meant he has gained a bit of weight as a side effect. And you know what? He's still the man I chose to be with, and he would be if he were twice the size he is, and he's also been nice and stuck with me as I've got podgier over the years. That's called making a life long commitment.

I also think if he can tell all his poor wife's friends how repulsive she was just after she gave birth, he's clearly not that damn sensitive and is quite capable of talking to her directly. It's an excuse.

The obesity issue is a smokescreen for what is really going on. If he actually cared about her, he wouldn't see leaving her as a less cruel option (I mean, really?!?!?) than telling her that her weight was an issue - of course this can be done in a kind and sensitive manner without using words such as "repulsive" and insinuations that this is the only reason the dh is unhappy. It could be that her weight and / or other reasons have caused the wife to check out of the family's sporty lifestyle (according to op) but if this has been making the dh unhappy for four years then why the fuck hasn't he said anything before now? Does he actually know why she's gained the weight? She could have any number of issues that have caused her to gain weight and the OP would have no idea (unless she assumes that the husband tells her, the OP, EVERYTHING about his wife's health . And why discuss it with friends rather than with his wife? He sounds cowardly, weak and idiotic and the wife sounds better off without him.

I also think that the OP is overly invested in this man.

He can leave for whatever reasons he wants to.

What grates with me is him putting the blame on her (for being obese and not participating in the activity they used to???) to his and her friends.

Both dh and I have put on a load of weight over the years - dh because of mobility problems following an illness and me due to medication - and I also freely admit we are fond of wine and takeaway. We discuss the impact on our health, try to eat better etc etc because each of us wants the other to be fit and well - nothing to do with finding one another attractive. Our sex life is the same as it has always been.

TBH I find it quite shocking that the wife's size is a) a reason for the dh to leave in and of itself and b) that the OP thinks that it's justified.

I'm getting a bit ranty in RL about it actually so might step away from the screen for a while

Honestly, I don't think the issue is the friend's weight. It's the fact that they have not had sex for 4 years. And I think the friend was perfectly aware of this fact and chose to ignore it.

That said, the husband should have definitely told the friend that he found it impossible to remain in a sexless marriage. Although I find it difficult to believe that this issue never came up.

And as to being shallow, etc. I wouldn't find someone who was obese attractive. Of course I would support my partner if he became obese for whatever reason. But if he was unwilling to lose weight, I don't think I would be able to stay with him.

There is probably a very good reason why the friend has put on weight and absented herself from the sporting activity, sex and their previous form of relationship and the husband should be talking to her and finding out why, the reason he isn't is probably because he doesn't want to hear it.

I'd like to know what this sporting activity is, that's so easy to do when you have a 3 and 5 year old . As well as when you are pregnant and breastfeeding .