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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends DH has left her, she doesn't know why but I do .

137 replies

kittensinmydinner · 03/05/2015 13:59

This is a very difficult one. Good friend (not super close - but very long term, we were at school together) anyway friend has been married 10yrs with two dcs 8 and 5. Works part time all seems fine on the surface. Except - good friend (gf) has piled on weight since the babies and is now 16st . Her Dh is very good friends with mine and has talked to him (and now me) a lot about the situation. Her DH loves her, but no longer finds her sexually attractive. Her weight has caused her to become very sedentary and no longer wishing to participate in the sporting activity that both our families enjoy. Her DH spoke about this a few times over the last 5 yrs to ask advice on how to suggest/support/encourage her to lose weight. I know from conversations with him that he has NEVER badgered her (and to me she seems to make light of her weight and jokes that their sex life isn't what it used to be but 'hey ho he loves me warts and all') So, to the nub of the dilemma. Friend is 42yrs old, her DH is 45. He wants to have sex, he confided he hasn't had sex for 4 y but can no longer live in a celibate marriage. He will also not look outside the marriage for sex. So what are his options. He has tried to suggest weight loss from the health perspective but this has fallen on deaf ears. He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel but otoh is it really fair to leave someone without discussing his reasons and giving the other party the chance to do something. He has seriously thought about just knuckling down to a sexless marriage but cannot reconcile to it (and why should he) his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it. She seems content to close down that part of her marriage. Anyway he came over last night, having made the decision that he has to go, and told his dw that it's over . She is obviously devastated And knowing he came to see us last night, has phoned me and asked why he has left ? I have been a coward and sat on the fence, told her he seemed upset and unhappy...should I tell her the reason ? Or keep my counsel. The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort , he really is a good father, affectionate husband and great provider. He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. Wwyd ?

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmydinner · 03/05/2015 14:42

I am not sure how someone can 'make'themselves find something not repulse them......

OP posts:
Maliceaforethought · 03/05/2015 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 03/05/2015 14:43

They haven't had sex for 4 years and the wife didn't see anything wrong in the marriage? She had plenty of time to go to him and ask why they weren't having sex if she wanted it.

It is a very sad situation where no one has wanted to hurt her feelings until it is too late.

Pagwatch · 03/05/2015 14:44

You are repeating what he says as if it is true?

If you privately see his point then you don't actually like your friend very much, which is even more reason to keep out.

Fwiw you don't walk away from someone you love because they have put on weight and become sedentary without talking to THEM, seeing if you can work things out, encouraging THEM to understand your PoV

He is just slagging her off and excusing walking out. You are making excuses for his shitty behaviour.

RudeBarbandCustard · 03/05/2015 14:50

It's really not your place to tell his wife anything.

The only thing I think you can reasonably do is to encourage him to be completely honest with his wife. If she asks you about it, tell her she needs to talk to her husband.

Then stay out of it. It's not your responsibility to fix their marriage, nor within your ability to do so.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2015 14:52

op, if you really want unbiased and appropriate advice you need to come clean about what your actual involvement is here

hashbrownnofilter · 03/05/2015 14:54

Are you the friend or are you a 'potential' new woman? This does not really read as a concerned friend more of an OW justification?

LineRunner · 03/05/2015 14:55

OP, you can't possibly know if what he is saying is true. Yet you are accepting it as gospel. Why?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 03/05/2015 14:55

I don't know either op.

But I've put on five stone this year due to medication for a serious health problem, and I can barely move due to constant exhaustion.

My dh still loves and fancies me, and is grateful to have a fat exhausted wife because initially they told him all he would be left with was a dead one.
That is how people who are truly in love act.
Your friend's dh cannot love her at all to treat her like that. He isn't leaving because she is overweight, he is leaving because he can't be honest with her about how he feels. There is no logic to the argument that telling her he finds her unattractive might be hurtful, so instead he tells her he's leaving, because she will be less hurt then, won't she?

Your 'friend' is almost certainly seeing someone else, and lying to his wife and to you, his friends. Stay out of it and support his poor wife if you can, she is the one being lied to and left so she needs your help.

Rollercola · 03/05/2015 14:56

He's definitely got another woman in the wings. Men don't leave their wives because they're not getting enough sex without having somewhere to get it from instead. They go out and have sex with someone else, get caught, get kicked out.

He got someone else. I'd bet money on it. He's just spinning you a line to make him look less of a shit.

scribblescrabble · 03/05/2015 15:00

I would withdraw and stay out of it. I don't think you sound like a good friend but I can't put my finger on why.

mamaslatts · 03/05/2015 15:01

Weird that you are not a close friend yet know all the very personal details of their marriage break up. Why would this man be so brutally honest with friends but not his wife who he has left? Why do the reasons for him leaving make it sound all her fault and him the poor tortured soul? You sound quite convinced he's the good guy in all this and she's the fat, lazy slattern who can't be arsed to save her marriage. Is that because he's given you that impression? Think about these aspects to your post before you involve yourself. Which quite frankly I don't think you should do apart from to support your supposed friend who's husband has left her without telling her why.

JustAScreenName · 03/05/2015 15:03

I am not sure how someone can 'make'themselves find something not repulse them......

If he loved her, she wouldn't repulse him.

How awful for her that her husband doesn't love her anymore, and rather than being honest about htat he is using her weight gain as an excuse for getting out, with no apparent concern for the humiliation it will cause when she realises that he and her "friends" have been sitting around feeling sorry for him because of how repulsive she is.

He sounds like a shit husband, and I think she needs some better friends too.

VainVulva · 03/05/2015 15:03

Pop you sound like you are very much NOT sitting on the fence but wholly siding with her dh, you also sound like you are enjoying the situation. Keep you nise out of it and stop trying to come off as if you give a shit about this woman's feelings!

NorahDentressangle · 03/05/2015 15:06

I am not sure how someone can 'make'themselves find something not repulse them......

But we all age, some people have horrible illnesses, need radical surgery - do we all just toddle off to pastures new because they now look 'repulsive'????????????

There is probably more to his story.

sliceofsoup · 03/05/2015 15:09

It sounds to me like you are far too willing to be involved in this, because your friends weight repulses you too.

If my best friends husband came to me and told me he was leaving her because she is fat, I would tell him he was a shallow cunt and I was staying out of it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. I feel very sorry for this woman. Sounds like it isn't only her husband who is humiliating and betraying her.

UnsolvedMystery · 03/05/2015 15:10

Or is this a reverse thread ? Are you actually the Husband looking for MN to says it's OK

Exactly what I was thinking!

Putting on a bit of weight should not be enough to destroy a couple's sex life. There is more going on here. He needs to start being honest with himself first of all, because I doubt he is the god's gift of a husband he is portrayed here.
Then he needs to have a conversation with his wife about their sex life and relationship

As a 'friend', none of this has anything to do with you.

SakuraSakura · 03/05/2015 15:10

Stay out of it. Don't say a word. You'll upset his poor wife, so much. He cannot be that nice a man, no matter what you say, if he's leaving her and only telling friends the reason. It sounds like there are sides and you're taking his. So I think you should detangle yourself from the situation as quickly as you can. Feel sorry for that woman. She's well-rid!

Momagain1 · 03/05/2015 15:10

He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel

But he can being himself to leave her without explanation? Because that is not cruel?

You can certainly tell her what you know. But I would first discuss with your own spouse your future plans, as I cant see the two of you remaining friends with both of them after this shitty situation her dh has put you all in. And no doubt her Dh expects to still hang out with you at this activity. It is sad, but you and your DH need to know what you both want and expect so their marriage issues don't intrude on your marriage via issues of friendship and loyalty and habit.

On the other hand, give it a week or so. I bet you anything her DH has another sex partner in the wings. Oh, he may indeed have not actually slept with her before officially leaving his wife. But dont be surprised at all to find that since he never felt he could even clearly discuss his marital problems with his wife, he has long since seperated himself from her emotionally and been on a lookout to solve his main issue. Her weight was probably never more than a wrapping for the real issues anyway.

DinkyDye · 03/05/2015 15:11

But that isn't the case Norah is it?

OP you need to encourage your dh friend to be brutally honest with his dw. He has nothing to lose, she will hate him either way but at least will have a chance to do something about it.

4 years without sex (without a medical reason) wouldn't work for me either.

DinkyDye · 03/05/2015 15:14

And regardless of height 100 kg is VERY large, not just 'a bit of weight' Hmm

Weebirdie · 03/05/2015 15:14

There's is something not right about this thread.

I dont believe what we are being asked to believe.

sanfairyanne · 03/05/2015 15:14

yup like everyone else says, he is setting the scene for an affair, or already having one and preparing his side of the story

quite possibly she is unhappy in the relationship and comfort eating. him leaving is possibly great news for her long term. it cant be good for self esteem living with someone who thinks those kind of thoughts

DinosaursRoar · 03/05/2015 15:17

I think you can't say anything to the wife in this situation.

If you feel you have to say anything, tell him to decide if he thinks the situation is salvable, if he still loves his DW, then he needs to be honest about what the problems are. Suggest counselling for them as a couple. If he feels it's gone too far, so that even if she did lose the weight and become more like the woman she was before, then there's nothing to be gained from you telling her why he's fallen out of love with her.

Personally, I bet the weight is less of an issue as the lack of sex, I bet even with her larger size, if she clearly wanted sex regularly, he'd cope better. It's never really surprising that marriages don't survive if one party stops wanting sex, and it is better that he does make a clean break before looking for a new partner.

LineRunner · 03/05/2015 15:17

scribblescrabble I know what you mean about the OP not sounding like such a good friend, but not quite being able to put one's finger on it.

So I've read the last few posts again, and I am veering towards thinking that the OP sounds far too proprietorial of the departing husband. And there's a smugness, a self-satisfied air about them. Like the OP wants an emotional connection with this guy.