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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends DH has left her, she doesn't know why but I do .

137 replies

kittensinmydinner · 03/05/2015 13:59

This is a very difficult one. Good friend (not super close - but very long term, we were at school together) anyway friend has been married 10yrs with two dcs 8 and 5. Works part time all seems fine on the surface. Except - good friend (gf) has piled on weight since the babies and is now 16st . Her Dh is very good friends with mine and has talked to him (and now me) a lot about the situation. Her DH loves her, but no longer finds her sexually attractive. Her weight has caused her to become very sedentary and no longer wishing to participate in the sporting activity that both our families enjoy. Her DH spoke about this a few times over the last 5 yrs to ask advice on how to suggest/support/encourage her to lose weight. I know from conversations with him that he has NEVER badgered her (and to me she seems to make light of her weight and jokes that their sex life isn't what it used to be but 'hey ho he loves me warts and all') So, to the nub of the dilemma. Friend is 42yrs old, her DH is 45. He wants to have sex, he confided he hasn't had sex for 4 y but can no longer live in a celibate marriage. He will also not look outside the marriage for sex. So what are his options. He has tried to suggest weight loss from the health perspective but this has fallen on deaf ears. He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel but otoh is it really fair to leave someone without discussing his reasons and giving the other party the chance to do something. He has seriously thought about just knuckling down to a sexless marriage but cannot reconcile to it (and why should he) his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it. She seems content to close down that part of her marriage. Anyway he came over last night, having made the decision that he has to go, and told his dw that it's over . She is obviously devastated And knowing he came to see us last night, has phoned me and asked why he has left ? I have been a coward and sat on the fence, told her he seemed upset and unhappy...should I tell her the reason ? Or keep my counsel. The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort , he really is a good father, affectionate husband and great provider. He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. Wwyd ?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 03/05/2015 15:20

Yeah, what Coffee said. Love is love and even if you don't fancy someone you can still make love to them (oral sex/masturbation) if you love them.

Men who love women love them without breasts, with disabilities, and ageing.

Love is love. Shallow fucker is shallow fucker.

I don't find every single bit of my Dh lovely. I don't go near his arsehole or his feet.

But his lovely eyes, his lovely smile and his utter in loveness with me triumphs.

I don't believe he loves her. Bottom line.

DinosaursRoar · 03/05/2015 15:21

but also if he did say "I'm leaving because you're overweight and have stopped having sex" - what would the outcome of that be? If she lost the weight 'for him' or had sex 'to keep him happy' that probably wouldn't work for most people anyway. The fact she doesn't care to lose the weight probably means she's changed her personality, no longer wanting to do sports they shared enjoyment of, no longer sharing hobbies. Knowing their DP was having sex out of duty rather than desire wouldn't work for most people.

It could well be that 'she got fat' is an easy way to label "we are no longer compatable".

FryOneFatManic · 03/05/2015 15:23

So he reckons they've not had sex for 4 years. Unless you've had confirmation from your friend, OP, I wouldn't trust his bit of info.

I think he's just putting his story out there, so that when his new GF shows up people won't think badly of him.

NoelHeadbands · 03/05/2015 15:34

It's funny, you're describing him as a decent, gentle guy but actually telling us he's a twat.

Dowser · 03/05/2015 15:34

Before my marriage broke up my exh told me that our friends were splitting up because his friend didn't fancy his partner any more. She'd put weight on and used to sit on a sofa stuffing her face with chocolate.
he had forgot to mention that his mate was shagging another woman as was my husband.
This was a woman who had had to take treatment to conceive a child, which she subsequently lost while holding down a full time stressful job.

They also had a good sex life and he gave her a std.

Keep out of it if you are a good friend.

My e

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/05/2015 15:43

You're a horrible friend!

I don't actually believe you are the friend anyway.

I hope I never have someone like you and your DH in my life as if you are who you say you are, you are both 2 nasty gossips who are revelling in the drama of a poor woman's life!!

Keep out of it and get some morals!

Jackieharris · 03/05/2015 15:43

You are so obviously on his side!

Stop justifying this man's pathetic excuses for dumping his wife and kids.

It sounds like he wants a house space and fuck toy.

He's 45. He should take a look in the mirror and be thankful for the life he has.

Imagine his DCs asking in the future 'daddy why did you destroy our family?' He replies with she got too fat (from pregnancies?) and I was too up myself to want to poke her anymore.

I hope she finds a good partner, with a soul.

wallaby73 · 03/05/2015 15:46

I wouldn't be hugely surprised if his eye hasn't wandered already......

To be brutally honest, i do not find obesity sexually attractive, i just don't, never have. If my DH had gained several stones, i would still love him, but i would struggle with intimacy. And no, I don't believe it to be shallow before i get flamed, medical issues aside. As it is i am currently single but once this illness i am currently mired in is aside, i just wouldn't be attracted to a very overweight partner.

chairmeoh · 03/05/2015 15:50

I've been in the wife's situation.
In my case my ExDH completely fucked my head up. Made me feel worthless because of my weight gain, and unloveable. After we split, I remained single for 12 years.
Looking back, I know that my ex was just trying to justify why he was leaving me (for other women).
He was a shit, and hasn't had a lasting happy relationship since.
I eventually found my mojo and am happily married to a man who loves me whatever my size.
So, the point in what I'm saying is that my ex could have saved me over a decade of unhappiness if he'd been honest about his reason for ending the marriage.

differentnameforthis · 03/05/2015 15:54

He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. So he has problems in his marriage & decided to talk to you & your dh about it & not his wife?

She is better off without him! Is she supposed to be a mind reader?

Also, you have posted a very one sided POV in my opinion & I wonder how much of it is him justifying leaving & how much is truth.

I give it a month and he'll be introducing this new woman he's only just met... Sadly, I agree!!

wallaby73 · 03/05/2015 15:59

Chair, that's awful for you, so glad you have found happiness x

Cherryapple1 · 03/05/2015 16:04

Sounds to me like he is rewriting history double quick to justify him buggering off with someone else. And either that is you, or you want it to be you. The poor woman, I would be mortified if I were her, being gossiped about in such a horrid way.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/05/2015 16:10

Don't talk to her, talk to HIM and tell HIM to talk to her. He needs to understand WHY she has piled on so much weight - clearly she is unhappy. How inappropriate for him to discuss his sex life with you

I suspect, however, he has another woman. Is it you?

Timetoask · 03/05/2015 16:13

"love is love", yes but you also need some physical attraction towards someone, you need to nurture love. Clearly our bodies/face/skin will not remain the same forever, but at least we should look after ourselves and not let us get to a point that we are so fat and obese we are no longer attractive to our partners. (different story if you have always been fat).

I would stay out of it OP, but I would tell the husband to have a frank discussion with the wife.

KarmaNoMore · 03/05/2015 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 03/05/2015 16:27

I wouldn't leave my husband if he gained weight. I'd have the courage to have a difficult conversation with him rather than ending the marriage and breaking up my children's family. There is no justification for simply walking out with no genuine attempt to explain or salvage things. Yes latched on to what he thinks is a convenient excuse that makes him blameless. It actually makes him a spineless, faithless coward.

CheersMedea · 03/05/2015 16:29

This just doesn't ring true to me.

Assuming the premise is accurate(that he wants to leave because of the weight/sex issue), no rational person would think it was better to just walk out with out a very specific discussion of the issue in question.

It makes no sense. How is "I'm off" better than "I love you and want to fix this. Please lose weight or I'm off"?

Rebelheart · 03/05/2015 16:32

Why are you so sympathetic towards him when she is supposedly your friend? Is there some aspect of this you are enjoying?

I can honestly say, if the man in a couple confided this kind of stuff to me I would feel extremely uncomfortable and back off.

The wife is not stupid. If they haven't had sex for four years, she knows there is a problem.

Branleuse · 03/05/2015 16:38

If a guy started talking to me about his marital problems when his wife was also my friend, Id be so uncomfortable. Id have to tell him to back off and talk to her about it instead. How does that conversation even come about?

The whole situation sounds like a love triangle

DinosaursRoar · 03/05/2015 16:38

I wouldn't leave DH if he got fat. I might leave him if I hadn't had sex for 4 years (medical reasons for that aside), he gave no indication that he thought this situation should change.

Lack of passion and intimacy is a hugely big deal in a relationship. The reasons for it don't really matter (beyond can this be fixed).

Agree it doesn't sound like you really are her friend. Are you just her friend because you're his friend and up until now, they come as a package?

But anyway, stay out of it. It's not going to improve the situation by telling her, but it might improve the situation to tell him that counselling might be worth it. Obviously, tell him if htis is all just excuses to justify having met someone else already (even if he hasnt acted on that attraction yet), then not to tell her as he's hardly giving her a fair chance.

NotYouNaanBread · 03/05/2015 16:42

If what the OP is saying is true, and if the husband is telling her the truth, well... Turn it around.

If someone came on here and said:

"My husband used to be really active and fit (as an I). Since we had a family though, his weight has soared and he is now dangerously obese. He is completely unwilling to sustain any effort to lose weight, although we have made a few starts together on this. He is completely sedentary and doesn't take part in any of he activities he used to love, which makes me feel very lonely. Secondly, I just don't fancy him any more and to add to this he is no longer interested in sex and it has now been four years since we were last physical. He is happy with this state of affairs, or at least won't admit otherwise. I don't know what to do. I'm not turned on by him now anyway. I'm not even sure if I love him. I can't help blaming him for the change in our life together."

Well for one thing, we wouldn't be telling her to get THERAPY for her obsession with thinness and erratic sex drive!!! (Particularly mean post above) And there wouldn't be anything like as much vitriol against her.

However, I'm willing to bet that they have had plenty of sex in the last four years. I've had this line spun to me before and it's bollocks. I also agree that he may well have a new gf already.

Maybe it's because I think we've read almost identical OP's before and we know how it tends to play out, sadly. He sounds like he is laying the groundwork for a bigger plan.

Viviennemary · 03/05/2015 16:45

I agree that you should keep well out of this. You've no way of knowing the real reasons the marriage has broken down. The husband could have another woman for all you know. I feel sorry for the wife not only having you and your DH knowing more about her marriage than she does but also the whole of MN. With friends like you . ....................

lunar1 · 03/05/2015 16:50

Maybe you friend has some insecurities, after all it sounds like the three of you have been bitching about her for years. Maybe she is picking up on it.

seventeen · 03/05/2015 16:52

Your "options" are:

None of your business
None of your business

None of your business.

StaceyAndTracey · 03/05/2015 16:55

That's not the opposite of the post here .

Here the man has already left with out even discussing it .

He's not even bothering to tell his wife

He's telling his female friend instead

And unless she's very short, she's not morbidly obsese at 16 stone

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