Friends DH has left her, she doesn't know why but I do .

[kittensinmydinner]

This is a very difficult one. Good friend (not super close - but very long term, we were at school together) anyway friend has been married 10yrs with two dcs 8 and 5. Works part time all seems fine on the surface. Except - good friend (gf) has piled on weight since the babies and is now 16st . Her Dh is very good friends with mine and has talked to him (and now me) a lot about the situation. Her DH loves her, but no longer finds her sexually attractive. Her weight has caused her to become very sedentary and no longer wishing to participate in the sporting activity that both our families enjoy. Her DH spoke about this a few times over the last 5 yrs to ask advice on how to suggest/support/encourage her to lose weight. I know from conversations with him that he has NEVER badgered her (and to me she seems to make light of her weight and jokes that their sex life isn't what it used to be but 'hey ho he loves me warts and all') So, to the nub of the dilemma. Friend is 42yrs old, her DH is 45. He wants to have sex, he confided he hasn't had sex for 4 y but can no longer live in a celibate marriage. He will also not look outside the marriage for sex. So what are his options. He has tried to suggest weight loss from the health perspective but this has fallen on deaf ears. He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel but otoh is it really fair to leave someone without discussing his reasons and giving the other party the chance to do something. He has seriously thought about just knuckling down to a sexless marriage but cannot reconcile to it (and why should he) his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it. She seems content to close down that part of her marriage. Anyway he came over last night, having made the decision that he has to go, and told his dw that it's over . She is obviously devastated And knowing he came to see us last night, has phoned me and asked why he has left ? I have been a coward and sat on the fence, told her he seemed upset and unhappy...should I tell her the reason ? Or keep my counsel. The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort , he really is a good father, affectionate husband and great provider. He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. Wwyd ?

Your friend's husband is a shallow twat

Hope that helps.

OP won't come back

I agree with others that he had already got someone waiting in the wings.

I don't think op is coming back

I think AF called it right way up the thread... OP's involvement is very, very unclear in the context of friend - it would be crystal as an OW-in-waiting though.

LaurieFairyCake... your post made me laugh... it should be on a Hallmark card.

My DH is very overweight, sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not obese too.

We dont fuck each other's bodies, it's an expression of love for each other and my weight never affects his want for me.

Your friends have a communication issue and that is up to them to sort out. Urge him to talk to her.

Well OP, I think you should tell the wife to ask her husband these questions, not you. I think you and your DH should back out of this now because it will get messier, especially when your friend introduces you to his new ladyfriend.

I am equally sure as many PPs on here that the only reason he has left now is because he has either already got someone on the side, or has his eye on someone. He may well be telling the truth about a 4y dry spell - it's not as unusual as some people think - but he stuck it out for that long without doing anything much about it, so the big difference now is almost certainly that he has Someone waiting in the wings.

Stay away from this - you'll end up taking sides and no one wants to do that.

As for his behaviour, well he really should have had more moral fibre and told his wife that actually, no, he didn't love her "warts and all", he was being increasingly turned off by her weight and lack of energy. But perhaps she's better off without someone so shallow, eh?

Stacey - 16st is big enough to be morbidly obese at 5'3" (well, rounded up - BMI = 39.7, morbid obesity is 40+, or 35+ if obesity-related illnesses are involved) - that's not really that short, even in this day and age.

Schadenfreude.

Not very attractive.

So he has been talking about this for 5 years, and their youngest child is 5?

He sounds lovely. His wife had just had a baby and he was busy discussing her weight behind her back?

And you think he's nice??

She hasn't noticed that she's 16st? That's she can't particular in family sports or hasn't had sex in a long time? Sorry seems like your friend has taken her dh for granted for a long time especially with her comments. I don't blame him for wanting better than her but he needs to tell her why.

I would put money on the man having had an affair and having decided to leave his wife as a result. To appease his guilt, he is putting it around that he shouldn't have to put up with living in a sexless marriage and making himself into some kind of victim. You've fallen for it - hook, line and sinker and see nothing wrong at all with him confiding in you about something deeply intimate when he wont' confide in his wife about it. If he wanted to save his marriage, he would have talked to her. He couldn't give a shit 'cos he's found someone else, that's the bottom line.

I am a woman who put on a lot of weight during her marriage. My ex hated it - I guess - but never mentioned it but did manage to have a long affair with a very slim woman and now, at every possible opportunity he gets, manages to tell me how disgusting he thinks I am. Funnily enough, I didn't want to sleep with him, just like your friend - and lots of counselling later I realise that was because deep down, I knew he saw me as 'not good enough' and my 6th sense had kicked in and attempted to protect me from him and his abuse (because it was abuse, hating someone's body but still pestering them continually for sex and touching them and not stopping touching them when they ask you to - tip of the iceberg, believe me). I am still overweight and although single, have met plenty of men happy to have sex with me and several who have pursued relationships with me. I enjoy sex, despite being overweight. It was just sex with someone who thought I was disgusting that was an issue. I'm not sure why you seem surprised by that.

If she had suffered serious burns, lost a leg in an accident, or had some other kind of disfigurement that had changed her since they got married, would it be OK for him to leave because he no longer found her attractive?

If I'm brutally honest I would struggle to maintain sexual attraction to someone who had become dangerously obese. Not only for the shallow reasons although I'm not going to pretend those weren't a factor but because of the self-destructiveness. In much the same way as I would find intimacy and respect eroded by a 40-a-day smoker or someone who consumed two bottles of wine a day or was shooting up smack.

I realise there's likely more to it than that and that she may well have struggled with her weight for emotional or physical reasons. I know losing weight is not easy. But I don't think its fair to write off anyone who struggles with their partner becoming obese as a shallow fuck.

Having said that, I think someone who goes running to the neighbours to b*h about their spouse instead of having the nuts to talk to them properly about the problems in the marriage is a spineless turd. And like many others, I would be prepared to bet that either there's another woman waiting in the wings, or that he is clearing the runway to find one....

When my DH had an affair he told everyone he hadn't had sex for 10 years. That was news to me. He also told people I was suicidal. That was news to me too. It's called getting people to feel sorry for you so they sympathise with you having been driven into the arms of someone else.

There is someone else.

I think I'd find my dh a turn off if he gained 5 stone. I can't deny it.

I would certainly tell him why.

I don't think you should get involved in other peoples marriage breakdowns. Listen & support yes but other than that just don't go there.

You can't fix this.

Yes I'm in total agreement with posters saying its a cover up. It is a classic pre breakup measure to make sure that people take your side when the relationship is over. Placing the blame squarely on his wife is such a shitty thing to do. It takes two for most marriages to break down so my guess is that he isn't entirely innocent himself.

If you really want to be a good friend then support gf and be there for her. Agree with her that her Dh's behaviour is shit but don't do the husbands dirty work for him by telling her the reasons behind his leaving. He needs to grow up and talk to her and tell her his reasons.

You should bee encouraging the husband to talk to his wife and explain why he's leaving.

Yep. He's got another woman auditioning for the part of new woman. The 'Ooh I couldn't possibly tell her she's too fat to fuck. That would be too mean. And I tried EVERYTHING to encourage her to lose weight but she simply refused to help herself' is simply a pre-emptive whitewashing campaign. He is a 24 carat shit.

BTW, no I wouldn't much fancy my DH if he put on that much weight but I hope I'd be a bit more honest and understanding about it before I decided to call it a day.

AuntyMag what a horrible thing to say.

You can't tell her but you can encourage him to.
If you tell her she needs to lose weight to save her marriage, and then it turns out he was thinking of or had already started something with someone else, you would be party to all sorts of heartbreak and meanness that it's just not your place to be involved with. He's her husband, he has to talk to her.

Oh AuntyMag is all over MN telling it like it is.

I'm sorry but you are a rubbish friend. You have allowed this man to tell you intimidate details of their life together and you mention nothing. He has given her no indication of why he has left, no chance to change it. I guarantee she makes light of her weight because it's the only way she can deal with the self loathing. She would be humiliated if you told her what you just posted.

I would leave her to spend time with friends that truely care about her and not just your sporty little foursome. I'm shocked you call yourself a friend.

I fully agree with those that you should stop discussing these things with him. He should be discussing them with his wife, or keeping quiet.
If he doesn't want to discuss it with her, then all he has to say is that he no longer loves her. To her and, crucially, everyone.

So, OP, keep out of it, particularly if he has already decide to leave, and you should be advising your OH to do the same.

Also, another one who wouldn't be surprised if he already had someone else.