So I've ended up being a very bad wife and OW...

[badow]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. I know that you will all absolutely slaughter me but I need to vent. I haven't told anyone about this so can't talk to anyone.

I'm making a very long story short. My marriage is bad and has been for a while. I've stayed for the DC's.

About a month or so ago I felt bored and lonely and joined a cheating site. It was only to chat with men and I had no intentions of actually meeting up with anyone.

As there are far more men on these sites than women I was drowned in messages and started chatting to a few. I really enjoyed chatting to some of these men and was soon persuaded to meet up.

I've met up with three. All married and all seem like really decent and sweet guys. (I know they're not as sweet and decent guys are not on these websites.) I think that as I don't have great confidence or consider myself attractive I was very flattered that these guys all want to sleep with me.

I slept with one of them, it was good sex and also good as I feel nothing for him so won't get hurt. (Selfish, I know!)

The other two guys though.....one I went for coffee with after making it clear to him I had changed my mind and nothing would happen. It was so nice though and we had such a good conversation about our lives I started to really, really like him. I still like him. We've said that we'll meet up again sometime but he lives far away so it probably won't happen.

My real problem though is this third guy, I am really falling for him! And that is not what I signed up for!

We met for drinks one night after work (both "working late"). He was telling me all about his life, how he adores his wife and would be devastated if she found out, how he sees himself growing old with her etc. All good so far because at this stage I felt nothing for him, I wasn't even sure I wanted to sleep with him. This was almost two weeks ago.

He then continues to message me EVERY day continuously throughout the day, the sweetest messages ever. And also very naughty ones. We also talk on the phone. I've been trying to hold back, and to not let my guard down. In fact I've been very reserved.

We met up again this week at lunchtime and just went for a long walk together. Chatting. And kissing. (In public, so very risky.)

We are both constantly reminding each other that we must make sure this does not go to far, that we mustn't get carried away and we've agreed we will end it as soon as one of us start feeling too much.

But here I am! Feeling too much! And I don't want to end it! I knew it was a risky game to start with but I really really didn't think I'd start growing strong feelings for him.

We have not had sex yet although it's been scheduled within the next week. I know I really shouldn't go through with it. But I crave it. I crave him.

I know that I must end it or it's all gonna end in tears. Hopefully just from my side but I realise that there's a lot of people at risk of getting hurt here.

Maybe if you guys all shout at me and remind me of what a horrible person I am being I will stop?

You are welcome dear!
BTW you are not the bad OW- you did not prey on a good faithful married man 'off-guard' and went to great length to seduce him and make out of him a betrayer; the men you went with you were full-heartedly and actively betrayers.
I hope your divorce will be as smooth as possible. I am sure that you will have a soft and compassionate approach to it - and I believe even more so following your affairs - you see, good things can blossom from human sins.
Another last thing: do not take to your heart what some MN posters wrote: many of them are still very young and have no life experience yet.
Good Luck!

Just because a man in this situation would be torn sort doesn't make it right nor does it make it ok to tear the OP apart.

All you smug sanctimonious posters calling her disgusting and despicable are massively lacking in awareness of the human state. You can easily be a good person and do bad things and vice versa, you don't know OP and you should not judge her.

She has said she will stop and that she knows she has made a huge mistake, any more attacking and judging her is simply self indulgent shite to make you feel like rightful moral upstanding citizens.

Well I bet not a single one of you hasn't made mistakes and hurt people.

Another last thing: do not take to your heart what some MN posters wrote: many of them are still very young and have no life experience yet.

Oh FFS. What a load of utter crap filled nonsense.

soupdragon
Sorry if I hurt you.
BTW my H also had an affair and I know how much it hurts
Still I do not think it was right to 'slain' the OP and call her names.
-She is OK- she is a human who sometimes sin
-she was for too long unhappy in her marriage and prisoner of the morals that did not allow her to break it-
-She took time to post on MN, to expose herself to the stoning of the posters,

• she took time to answer to the posters who were throwing stones at her- she made it clear that she was fighting with her conscience

she did a mistake because she tried to stay in a marriage that made her unhappy, the OM is a betrayer; her H could easily have been a victim but luckily the OP understood her acts and is going to liberate herself and her H by starting the separation/divorce process.
Her sin stemmed from unhappiness and tension between her morals and her feelings; her sin (together with the MN posters I believe) sped up her realization that she must end this marriage; and together with her consideration of her kids and H's feelings she will do it gracefully. I often sin and make mistakes; rarely do they lead me to become and behave better. So chapeau OP and good luck!

Eh?

How does any of that mean you can spout utter bollocks about us apparently being young and ignorant?

OP, do bear in mind that whilst you believed you were somehow protecting your DH and saving him from pain by staying with him, that is not true.

Your DH sounds nice and he deserves a partner who loves him. He doesn't deserve to be a sort of pity figure. If you separate he will be free to find a woman who values him utterly.

If you are determined to leave then do it soon and let him find his own happiness. I do think you should listen to IrianofWay though.

Your DH should be someone who is a partner, not the source of your happiness. You will never be happy if you are seeking happiness from someone else. Maybe you should be alone for a while and figure this out.
A partner is a great addition to ones life. It shouldn't utterly shape it.
Your DH was screwed from the start if you expected him to make your life.

Ok SoupDragon, I retract ' the many are young with little life experience' and propose to replace it with:
'many of them write from the deep pain betrayers and OW inflicted upon them'. (And no I am not patronising. I know that pain- my h's affair resulted in an innocent child.) Would you accept this correction and my sincere apologies?

And no I am not patronising

Yes you are.

Perhaps some people simply have a higher moral code. [shrug]

Anyway, I'm out.

No way would a man posting the exact same story have got any sympathy whatsoever.

You are already hurting your dhs feelings, if you want to live a single life fine but don't do it whilst ur married. Stupid selfish behaviour. Grow up.

I never see the point in posters getting so antagonistic towards the OP and other posters because they imagine a man wouldn't be given sympathy. I see women torn to shreds here everyday and I also see men posting here get treated with kid gloves, so desperate are some posters to prove how right on they are. It is ridiculous to justify vitriol just because someone else may or may not be subject to it as well.

I think the harsh replies on here have been disgusting....and all from people who seem to think they have sound morals!!! Yeah..it is sooooo moral to insult someone who is seeking help and call her names.

why is the OP posting on this specific board looking for support when there are so many others?

If you think this is harsh, try typing "I like porn".

I've been the cheated partner, the cheated wife, the OW and the cheater..and all I can say is nothing good ever comes of it.

Not sure what other board I should've posted on?

badow, I'm not going to call you names. It seems like you realise that you have done wrong. It's not a 'mistake' as you actually chose to cheat on your OH.
My marriage was poor in many ways and my wife refused to have any type of intimacy with me, no kisses, cuddles or sex. I stuck with the marriage for over 15 years because I stupidly tried to stick to my vows. We became companions rather than partners.
I finally left last year. I never cheated, many times I wished I could find another woman.

If your marriage is that bad, get out. Your DCs will thank you in the long term

Although I am amazed at one comment you made about you telling your husband and he can move out. Win win for you, lose lose for him.

And also STI checks for all may be on order

I'm not going to call you disgusting and certainly not a 'slag' (are we back at high school FFS).
You are treating your dh with no respect whatsoever, what you are doing is wrong.
You don't love him anymore please end it with him and let him have the chance to find happiness.
I think he needs to know if you've been having unprotected sex and put him at risk.
Don't break up with him because you've met another bloke break up with him because you don't love him or possible like him anymore.

I meant for him to want to leave me, not necessarily that he's the one that moves out. I wouldn't mind moving.

I did not have unprotected sex but understand I should probably get tested anyway.

I love how someone says that HE is a sleaze but not the OP... They are both doing the same thing...

I think you have had a lucky escape so far OP- You knew what you were thinking of doing is wrong for all concerned and instead of jumping in and to hell with the consequences you have asked our opinions and listened the us and make a descision not to go ahead with an affair, sex or whatever.
End the marraige if you defintely cant fix it and are so unhappy- the DC will be fine, but please leave your DH with as much dignity and truth as possible, dont hurt him more than you have to - take care

i dont think anyone whos banging or intending to ,3 men whilst being married has any problems with self esteem, if you cared about your DH a jot you'd give him the truth so he has the freedom to leave you.

Fuji
I don't think you understand low self esteem to be honest.

Clearly he's well practiced at this and you're a fool. If you want excitement, don't we all, try dating your husband again. Give your marriage one last go, if that's too much to ask you know it's over. You owe it to both your self and your husband to leave/separate.

You don't need reminding how awful you are as it makes no difference. But you should think about how disrespectful you've been to your husband and marriage.

I do pagwatch,so does everybody who gets about/cheats have low self esteem? Plus to feel entitled enough to make a thread about managing you're affair? I don't think low self esteem is an issue here at all,

I think that an awful lot of people who seek validation and happiness through the attention of random strangers do have low self esteem yes. Isn't that just common sense?

Those who simply like lots of sex either don't commit, have open relationships or have equally shaggy partners.

And I don't begin to understand your use of 'entitled ' to describe seeking advice on an anonymous forum. Maybe you don't understand entitled either.

Advice on how to handle an affair!? With married men?!,I agree some do,a lot do but not all no, I think some people use low self esteem as a veil for selfish and destructive behaviour. I think this is one of those cases channelling such extreme energy and time as the op has into cheating the op needs to channel it towards ending or saving her marriage. I don't under why you're being so hostile to me Pagwatch some posters have posted some very harsh posts.