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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I've ended up being a very bad wife and OW...

157 replies

badow · 01/05/2015 20:55

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. I know that you will all absolutely slaughter me but I need to vent. I haven't told anyone about this so can't talk to anyone.

I'm making a very long story short. My marriage is bad and has been for a while. I've stayed for the DC's.

About a month or so ago I felt bored and lonely and joined a cheating site. It was only to chat with men and I had no intentions of actually meeting up with anyone.

As there are far more men on these sites than women I was drowned in messages and started chatting to a few. I really enjoyed chatting to some of these men and was soon persuaded to meet up.

I've met up with three. All married and all seem like really decent and sweet guys. (I know they're not as sweet and decent guys are not on these websites.) I think that as I don't have great confidence or consider myself attractive I was very flattered that these guys all want to sleep with me.

I slept with one of them, it was good sex and also good as I feel nothing for him so won't get hurt. (Selfish, I know!)

The other two guys though.....one I went for coffee with after making it clear to him I had changed my mind and nothing would happen. It was so nice though and we had such a good conversation about our lives I started to really, really like him. I still like him. We've said that we'll meet up again sometime but he lives far away so it probably won't happen.

My real problem though is this third guy, I am really falling for him! And that is not what I signed up for!

We met for drinks one night after work (both "working late"). He was telling me all about his life, how he adores his wife and would be devastated if she found out, how he sees himself growing old with her etc. All good so far because at this stage I felt nothing for him, I wasn't even sure I wanted to sleep with him. This was almost two weeks ago.

He then continues to message me EVERY day continuously throughout the day, the sweetest messages ever. And also very naughty ones. We also talk on the phone. I've been trying to hold back, and to not let my guard down. In fact I've been very reserved.

We met up again this week at lunchtime and just went for a long walk together. Chatting. And kissing. (In public, so very risky.)

We are both constantly reminding each other that we must make sure this does not go to far, that we mustn't get carried away and we've agreed we will end it as soon as one of us start feeling too much.

But here I am! Feeling too much! And I don't want to end it! I knew it was a risky game to start with but I really really didn't think I'd start growing strong feelings for him.

We have not had sex yet although it's been scheduled within the next week. I know I really shouldn't go through with it. But I crave it. I crave him.

I know that I must end it or it's all gonna end in tears. Hopefully just from my side but I realise that there's a lot of people at risk of getting hurt here.

Maybe if you guys all shout at me and remind me of what a horrible person I am being I will stop?

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 21:36
Hmm
Zebda · 01/05/2015 21:37

If you want your marriage to end, this is not the way to do it. Talk to your DH, find a way to split amicably for the sake of your DC. This approach will end in tears, mess and general hell for all concerned.

I really don't feel like giving you advice though.

Doobydoo · 01/05/2015 21:40

My biscuit was for the'he adores his wife' etc. he obviously does not or he would not have joined the site. You need to try and think about how you want your life to be and that of your children

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:42

Thanks for all of your advice and opinions. I'm really taking it all to heart.

I know it sounds really stupid but I do not want to hurt anyone. I was flattered by the attention and got swept away with it. Although I realise the only reason I got this attention is because I've come across as easy, as a slut.

I'm stopping it now.

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 21:49

Badow I do understand. You sitting here beating yourself up is not going to help anyone. You know what to do now, just go and do it.

maroonedwithfour · 01/05/2015 21:49

Stop. Leave no
Marriage. Start afresh pref with an unattached man.

Btw no3 does not adore his wife.Sad

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:54

Parsnipbob, you're the best. Thank you for being so kind!

OP posts:
Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:55

The sensible part of my brain knows he does not adore his wife.

He said it so convincingly though! But I suppose liars and cheaters are good at doing that.

OP posts:
VixxFace · 01/05/2015 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wadingthroughsoup · 01/05/2015 22:07

badow I once sought inappropriate contact with men outside of my marriage (although not to this extent) which I eventually concluded was due to my poor self esteem. I made some bad decisions and almost crossed some important boundaries in my relationship. Luckily, I had a moment of clarity and was able to rein it in before it went too far. I was honest with my OH, and our relationship survived.

I understand that the attention feels flattering. But these men don't adore you, even though it may feel like it. They simply want to get their leg over with anyone who'll take them. It isn't flattering when you see it like that.

Take care of yourself- you are worth much more than this, as is your H and your children.

AuntieStella · 01/05/2015 22:08

"He said it so convincingly though! But I suppose liars and cheaters are good at doing that."

Yup.

But if your marriage is so awful that a few days when you can't contact your various other men has led you to post about it, thus stoking the drama and filling those empty days, then that really ought to be a message to you about the need to deal with it.

Staying for the DC works only when both parents are really working at restoring a healthy family. You don't sound at all interested in that. So ending the marriage, without adding the devastation of discovery, is probably the best bet.

Only you can decide which way you go now.

But continuing to see multiple others whilst married is the course most likely to lead to harm.

You need to make decisions, and stick to them.

Inexperiencedchick · 01/05/2015 22:23

Go to church and pray.

That place is the most peaceful you can find. And it will help you not only understand the extend of your situation but might also help to find a solution.

Go to church. Not once but as much as required...

I knew someone (female) who did the same. Church helped her.

Sallystyle · 01/05/2015 22:29

OP your behaviour is disgusting.

You know the what the right thing to do is. You do not need our advice, but maybe a moral compass.

However, I am cringing at people calling you a ho and a slag.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2015 22:33

I don't think you're a slag.

Some bitch just like you helped ruin my life though.

ShonaOCasey · 01/05/2015 22:34

Ok. I don't really get why anyone would start a thread like this on MN because you must absolutely know the reaction you will get? Tbh it doesn't sound quite right to me...
Anyway for starters 'slag' is a horrible sexist term no woman should ever use to another woman whatever, secondly no guy no 3 does not 'adore his wife' and thirdly no way is going to church and praying the answer to anything
is this a wind up?

ShonaOCasey · 01/05/2015 22:36

She isn't a ho or a slag fgs what about the blokes involved here?

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 22:41

I knew exactly what reaction I would get. Or I thought I did, some people have actually been nice to me, I didn't expect that.

But I just needed to get told that it's all awful. I have now. I will try to stop.

I feel bad for my H, but I feel more bad for my DC's. They deserve a better mum.

Also thinking about man number 3's wife. I've been horrible to her. He's been horrible to her.

OP posts:
SweetAndFullOfGrace · 01/05/2015 22:47

Don't feel bad, guilt is a waste of time and wallowing in self flagellation isn't going to solve anything. What you need to do is change your behaviour.

Sansarya · 01/05/2015 22:50

If he adores his wife and sees himself getting old with her then why has he joined a cheating site? It's clear that he has no respect for the woman as he isn't even pretending he's unhappily married. Run OP, fast and far away!

Wadingthroughsoup · 01/05/2015 22:55

badow Man number three would have been horrible to his wife anyway. It's a shame you made yourself complicit in that, but if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. Not that that makes it ok- he's obviously a shit and his wife doesn't deserve that, but it is he that is betraying his wife.

Wadingthroughsoup · 01/05/2015 22:57

badow You can do better than try to stop. You can stop. That power is within you, and you alone. There will always be another shit of a bloke willing to cheat on his wife with someone like you, but you are better than that.

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 23:06

I've sent him a message now to say I'm out. So that should be it. Don't expect he'll read it for quite some time as he's at home but at least I've sent it.

So as far as I'm concerned, I've ended it and I won't go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 23:07

And also unregistered from that site!

OP posts:
MrsCs · 01/05/2015 23:19

Yawn Another one of those narcissistic, needy women who blame low self esteem rather than the basic truth that you wanted to do something horrible and went ahead with it regardless of the impact on anyone else.

You know when you say liars and cheaters are convincing? Do you realise you mean yourself?

You don't need therapy, you need consequences.

parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 23:31

Oh bog off and leave her alone Mrs C.

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