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Original poster

So I've ended up being a very bad wife and OW...

157 replies

badow · 01/05/2015 20:55

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. I know that you will all absolutely slaughter me but I need to vent. I haven't told anyone about this so can't talk to anyone.

I'm making a very long story short. My marriage is bad and has been for a while. I've stayed for the DC's.

About a month or so ago I felt bored and lonely and joined a cheating site. It was only to chat with men and I had no intentions of actually meeting up with anyone.

As there are far more men on these sites than women I was drowned in messages and started chatting to a few. I really enjoyed chatting to some of these men and was soon persuaded to meet up.

I've met up with three. All married and all seem like really decent and sweet guys. (I know they're not as sweet and decent guys are not on these websites.) I think that as I don't have great confidence or consider myself attractive I was very flattered that these guys all want to sleep with me.

I slept with one of them, it was good sex and also good as I feel nothing for him so won't get hurt. (Selfish, I know!)

The other two guys though.....one I went for coffee with after making it clear to him I had changed my mind and nothing would happen. It was so nice though and we had such a good conversation about our lives I started to really, really like him. I still like him. We've said that we'll meet up again sometime but he lives far away so it probably won't happen.

My real problem though is this third guy, I am really falling for him! And that is not what I signed up for!

We met for drinks one night after work (both "working late"). He was telling me all about his life, how he adores his wife and would be devastated if she found out, how he sees himself growing old with her etc. All good so far because at this stage I felt nothing for him, I wasn't even sure I wanted to sleep with him. This was almost two weeks ago.

He then continues to message me EVERY day continuously throughout the day, the sweetest messages ever. And also very naughty ones. We also talk on the phone. I've been trying to hold back, and to not let my guard down. In fact I've been very reserved.

We met up again this week at lunchtime and just went for a long walk together. Chatting. And kissing. (In public, so very risky.)

We are both constantly reminding each other that we must make sure this does not go to far, that we mustn't get carried away and we've agreed we will end it as soon as one of us start feeling too much.

But here I am! Feeling too much! And I don't want to end it! I knew it was a risky game to start with but I really really didn't think I'd start growing strong feelings for him.

We have not had sex yet although it's been scheduled within the next week. I know I really shouldn't go through with it. But I crave it. I crave him.

I know that I must end it or it's all gonna end in tears. Hopefully just from my side but I realise that there's a lot of people at risk of getting hurt here.

Maybe if you guys all shout at me and remind me of what a horrible person I am being I will stop?

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 02/05/2015 10:18

I'm sorry but you're not being a mug you're being a selfish lying inconsiderate cheater. Just because you are a woman I'm not going to make excuses. So you've ended the affair, do you want me to congratulate you and say well done? If this was a man he would be ripped to shreds on here whether people will admit it or not. Pisses me off that people will make excuses for when women do things.

Look at ophelia's post, her dickhead husband was having an affair with a woman from work when he had a wife and kids at home and he's been called every name under the sun (rightly so!), how is this any different? The only difference is you have ACTIVELY gone looking for an affair.

Don't lie and say you weren't looking for anything/sex because if that was the case you would not have signed up to a cheaters website.

I know cheating isn't always black and white but it's more disgusting when you go searching for one. Your husband deserves someone better. So do your kids.

jelabi · 02/05/2015 17:45

Well said Fearless, anyone man or women, who go on these cheating sites are disgusting, all they cause is pain and heartache when that persons partner inevitably finds out.
If your not happy with your partner leave, don't cheat.

IrianofWay · 02/05/2015 18:16

Hi badow. Two things.

  1. You said that you H isn't horrible but doesn't make you happy. There's your problem right there. It isn't his job to make you happy - that's down to you. It has taken me a long long time to realise that but now that I have I am a much happier person day to day. You may need to divorce but don't blame your H for failing to doing something that only you are responsible for. Make yourself happy (Hint: having affairs isn't a good way to do so as you are learning)
  1. He may well 'adore' his wife. In the same way that people set up statues on pedestals and worship them. She represents wife and family to him - and yes, he probably does want to grow old with her and he does love her. But it's got a bit stale and he wanted some excitement for a while. You are the excitement. He told you what her felt for her to limit your expectation? Why would he lie when pretending he was a poor put-upon man with an arch-bitch of a wife might well have worked better? You are looking for an exit, he is not.

I am really glad you are ending it. It won't help you in the slightest and will only cause more pain. I think some therapy might be an excellent way to work out what it is that you want and the way to make your own happiness.

glidingpig · 02/05/2015 19:19

OK, your marriage isn't working, you know it needs to end. What you need to do now is make that happen in a way that is least awful for your kids. Sabotaging your relationship with cheating and bad behaviour is a sure-fire way to make sure you and your H do not split amicably, making it much harder for you to present a united front to the kids. Mum and Dad visibly hurting one another is painful and confusing. You can avoid it as much as possible by acting decently throughout.

Time enough to feel desired when you're free to date. Now is the time to think about your family and how you can make this transition as smooth as possible.

Goodbetterbest · 02/05/2015 19:48

I feel for you OP. You aren't disgusting, a slut or a slag. You are unhappy and you have fucked up.

Recognise your behaviour and stop it. Put it right and do it now. Don't let this behaviour be the reason your marriage ends - it will damage what is precious to you far more than a reasonable separation.

I don't feel anything towards the women XH slept with, I save it for him. But we have kids so we get on with it and use mediation. It's worth a try.

You can get giddy over random men when you are single.

saltnpepa · 02/05/2015 20:01

I didn't know people like this really existed. You need help. And a divorce.

Rewy · 02/05/2015 20:10

Dear op
You are disgusting, we all have crap in our lives and don't choose to cheat (note you actively chose) I truly hope that karma bites you in the ass. I hope your dh finds someone worthy of him .

Imi22sleeping · 02/05/2015 20:38

This is hideous you are a wife and a mother don't be so low as to cheat just leave so your husband can move on and not get hurt. Totally awful

Original poster
badow · 03/05/2015 11:34

You're all right.

Why can't I just be normal? WTF is wrong with me!?!?!?

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 03/05/2015 11:45

You're in a bad marriage and feel in need of some love and attention that's what's wrong with you! Trouble is, you're going the wrong way about it!

You know what you need to do, so do it!

HeyDuggee · 03/05/2015 11:45

I'm a bit sickened by all the posters saying you're not a bad person, you've just done a bad thing.

Mainly because posters also causally rip apart characters of husbands who've also also just done a bad thing.

None of us know if you are a bad or a good person.

But we can judge your character by your actions.

So think about what you did.

parsnipbob · 03/05/2015 16:40

OP I would hide this thread now. It can't be helping you.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/05/2015 20:22

OP don't wallow. There's nothing "wrong" with you. Unless you're actually a psychopath, which I doubt based on your posts, you can change your behaviour and choose to be different tomorrow and the next day and the next after that.

Branleuse · 03/05/2015 20:33

if you leave your husband, then you can go out every other weekend and shag all the single guys you like, without being a cunt to anyone.

Even if you tell your husband to move out, itll be a start.

sapphirestars · 04/05/2015 00:05

Don't know why people have to be so mean! No need to speak to someone like that. She's not commited a crime! Yes she's cheated but still some of the wording on here is repulsive!

Op I hope you manage to sort your life out. You deserve better than you're giving for yourself. Just be honest with yourself and end your marriage. Good luck.

parsnipbob · 04/05/2015 06:33

Yes sapphire I agree!!

Original poster
badow · 04/05/2015 06:50

Thanks for your kind words.

I'm feeling better now and will definitely do better.

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 06:53

Oh dear! Please go to counseling- you and your H. Sort out your messy marriage- keep it healthy or split in a clean way. How about trying to do the things you do with his guy with your H?
The first step to become better: advise the guy to stop pestering you and to go to counseling with his dear wife.

(After DD I went on a dating site. There are many disgusting married people around: sorry I put the OM in this category. I used to warn them of the dangers of an affair and to try to convince them to try to rebuild their marriage relationship. In fact from this site there is only man I liked a lot. He is a widow. He helped me rebuild my marriage.)

Original poster
badow · 04/05/2015 07:05

Thanks MaMaof4,

I don't want to try to save my marriage but I definitely want to end it in a clean way.

I will not try to advise OM on his marriage, I don't think he'd change and it's non of my business. I also don't think I'll ever speak to him again.

Over the weekend my feelings for him have completely died due to a couple of reasons, which is good;

  1. He's not replied to my message where I said good bye, so he obviously didn't care at all. (But we knew that already, didn't we?)
  1. I've googled his username and he's registered to quite a few of these websites whereas he told me it was all new and he's never done anything like this before. I believed him!
But then I suppose I wasn't being truthful with him either so it's evens.

When I registered I was also surprised with the vast numbers of men on there! I started to wonder wether it was the norm!?

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 07:29

I am happy for you badow.
All your little adventures via the dating site was probably your way of starting the process to separate/divorce.
Yes there are a lot of men who think that affairs are OK. They do not know the devastating implications on their partner and families. I have seen on TV a sleek beautiful perfectly groomed woman talking about how overrated monogamy is and that you can build a fulfilling solid relationship with affairs on the side. Of course she had some dating site to promote.
In relationships we are going backward. We forgot how hard we had to fight to overcome our instincts and stay faithful in monogamous relationships, and that such relationships strengthened the family units, promoted our emotional growth and the progresses we enjoy in our modern societies.

Anyway I am happy for you. If anything you were the victim of your decision to safeguard your marriage even if it was an unhappy one. Be gentle on yourself: we all make mistakes. Yours have really no consequences- if anything they have sped up a very positive process (your divorce.) Good Luck!

Original poster
badow · 04/05/2015 07:37

Wow MaMa, your words have filled me with a warmth and happiness I haven't felt all weekend. Thank you! Smile

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/05/2015 08:24

Yes there are a lot of men who think that affairs are OK. They do not know the devastating implications on their partner and families.

It's clearly not just men, is it?

Original poster
badow · 04/05/2015 08:34

Nope, clearly not just men.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/05/2015 08:36

i think its a lot of people, especially if their parents also had affairs.

treacleturkey · 04/05/2015 08:52

Please can everyone on here stop calling the Op disgusting!?!

She's not! She's stuck in a bad marriage and she's unhappy ffs!

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