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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I've ended up being a very bad wife and OW...

157 replies

badow · 01/05/2015 20:55

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. I know that you will all absolutely slaughter me but I need to vent. I haven't told anyone about this so can't talk to anyone.

I'm making a very long story short. My marriage is bad and has been for a while. I've stayed for the DC's.

About a month or so ago I felt bored and lonely and joined a cheating site. It was only to chat with men and I had no intentions of actually meeting up with anyone.

As there are far more men on these sites than women I was drowned in messages and started chatting to a few. I really enjoyed chatting to some of these men and was soon persuaded to meet up.

I've met up with three. All married and all seem like really decent and sweet guys. (I know they're not as sweet and decent guys are not on these websites.) I think that as I don't have great confidence or consider myself attractive I was very flattered that these guys all want to sleep with me.

I slept with one of them, it was good sex and also good as I feel nothing for him so won't get hurt. (Selfish, I know!)

The other two guys though.....one I went for coffee with after making it clear to him I had changed my mind and nothing would happen. It was so nice though and we had such a good conversation about our lives I started to really, really like him. I still like him. We've said that we'll meet up again sometime but he lives far away so it probably won't happen.

My real problem though is this third guy, I am really falling for him! And that is not what I signed up for!

We met for drinks one night after work (both "working late"). He was telling me all about his life, how he adores his wife and would be devastated if she found out, how he sees himself growing old with her etc. All good so far because at this stage I felt nothing for him, I wasn't even sure I wanted to sleep with him. This was almost two weeks ago.

He then continues to message me EVERY day continuously throughout the day, the sweetest messages ever. And also very naughty ones. We also talk on the phone. I've been trying to hold back, and to not let my guard down. In fact I've been very reserved.

We met up again this week at lunchtime and just went for a long walk together. Chatting. And kissing. (In public, so very risky.)

We are both constantly reminding each other that we must make sure this does not go to far, that we mustn't get carried away and we've agreed we will end it as soon as one of us start feeling too much.

But here I am! Feeling too much! And I don't want to end it! I knew it was a risky game to start with but I really really didn't think I'd start growing strong feelings for him.

We have not had sex yet although it's been scheduled within the next week. I know I really shouldn't go through with it. But I crave it. I crave him.

I know that I must end it or it's all gonna end in tears. Hopefully just from my side but I realise that there's a lot of people at risk of getting hurt here.

Maybe if you guys all shout at me and remind me of what a horrible person I am being I will stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:13

Thanks again parsnipbob, I really appreciate our advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:14

And I'm in therapy atm. For anxiety but will try to tackle the self esteem issues too.

OP posts:
BigRedBall · 01/05/2015 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:15

Offside, that thought scares me to death. I really don't want the DC's to find out.

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 21:16

I don't think you're an awful person. You're just doing a bad thing. You realise that. So stop it.

slightlyconfused85 · 01/05/2015 21:16

I think you should leave your dh. He deserves better than you- can't quite believe what I just read.

parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 21:18

Honestly, you do deserve to be happy but you won't find that wrecking other people's happiness. Clearly these women have shit husbands if they're prepared to cheat but don't enable them. Work on yourself. That's the best place to start.

beezlebop · 01/05/2015 21:20

What I have never understood is why people tempted to have an affair do, and don't just end relationship.

SurlyCue · 01/05/2015 21:21

Offside, that thought scares me to death. I really don't want the DC's to find out.

Youre not really in control of whether they do. You have no idea who these men are telling, who might have seen you with them, who might recognise you on this thread and tell someone that knows you, who might discuss it infront of little ears, who might know your DC. Its a small world OP. If your DCs find out- you will have done that to them. You will be responsible for that. The only way to prevent them finding out that you are a cheat is to not be a cheat. Its possibly too late.

ALaughAMinute · 01/05/2015 21:22

I think you should get divorced and date single men.

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:22

That's what I always said beezle! I really don't know how I ended up here.

Like someone said upthread, I'm a coward. I'm scared to end it.

And yes, part of me hopes my DH will find out so he leaves...

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 21:22

End it on Tuesday?Hmm. End it now you fool then block his number.

Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 21:23

A coward as well.

passmethewineplease · 01/05/2015 21:23

Why end it Tuesday? There's no time like the present. I can't believe people split their families up for a cheap thrill.

cleanmyhouse · 01/05/2015 21:24

You're not a slag.

beezlebop · 01/05/2015 21:24

Please leave your husband or stop trying to make it end the dramatic way. Someone will find out, you don't want your kids to go through that. A woman locally has just left her partner with the kids and ran off with a bloke. The outrage being voiced is actually scary to hear, people would, if allowed, I think burn her at the stake. Good luck, choose well.

beezlebop · 01/05/2015 21:26

Worst thing is, because everyone is gossiping her kids must have heard it too, which makes me so sadSad.

CtrlAltDelicious · 01/05/2015 21:27

In all honesty you sound like a pathetic individual so giddy with being sexually desired and therefore "valued" you've blocked out the reality of what horrible things you're doing to others.
Just stop. Before you fuck him on Tuesday then gnash and wail because you can't end it now as you had some special sexual connection nobody else would understand.

parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 21:29

In all fairness the OP has said several times she knows she's doing a terrible thing.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 01/05/2015 21:29

It will end badly ??

It sounds like you're on self destruct and I think deep down you want to get caught and for your marriage to end?

It's not your fault these married men are cheating on their wives but it's your fault you're cheating on your husband

3 men is a lot in that time scale ConfusedBlush

Original poster
badow · 01/05/2015 21:29

I'm going to end it Tuesday because we do not speak at weekends so I won't talk to him again now until Tuesday as it's bank holiday.

And I do want to stop doing what I'm doing. I will stop doing what I'm doing.

You are all right. I'll work on how to get a divorce instead.

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 01/05/2015 21:31

What do you want us to say? I'd book an appointment with your therapist for Tuesday.

Seriouslyffs · 01/05/2015 21:31

Don't leave it til Tuesday. Deregister from the site, block their numbers and be honest with your therapist.
This obviously sits very badly with you- I don't think you've come here to crow, more that you know you'll get the bolllocking you know you deserve and the impetus to stop this.
Do it.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 01/05/2015 21:32

The people who will come on to this thread and blame you for whatever this other man is doing to his wife should probably be ignored. Men do not need to be protected from other women, they should have a moral compass of their own.

You, OP, need to start thinking about you. You're worth much more than this. Stop drowning yourself in all of this brokenness. You need to find the strength to make the right decisions for your family rather than the easy decisions. Your husband deserves truth and respect and so do your children.

You know it's a rubbish idea to start an affair, so find the backbone not to do it and to stop sleepwalking through your life. You only get one life, stop wasting it.

parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 21:35

Sweet well said