So I've ended up being a very bad wife and OW...

[badow]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. I know that you will all absolutely slaughter me but I need to vent. I haven't told anyone about this so can't talk to anyone.

I'm making a very long story short. My marriage is bad and has been for a while. I've stayed for the DC's.

About a month or so ago I felt bored and lonely and joined a cheating site. It was only to chat with men and I had no intentions of actually meeting up with anyone.

As there are far more men on these sites than women I was drowned in messages and started chatting to a few. I really enjoyed chatting to some of these men and was soon persuaded to meet up.

I've met up with three. All married and all seem like really decent and sweet guys. (I know they're not as sweet and decent guys are not on these websites.) I think that as I don't have great confidence or consider myself attractive I was very flattered that these guys all want to sleep with me.

I slept with one of them, it was good sex and also good as I feel nothing for him so won't get hurt. (Selfish, I know!)

The other two guys though.....one I went for coffee with after making it clear to him I had changed my mind and nothing would happen. It was so nice though and we had such a good conversation about our lives I started to really, really like him. I still like him. We've said that we'll meet up again sometime but he lives far away so it probably won't happen.

My real problem though is this third guy, I am really falling for him! And that is not what I signed up for!

We met for drinks one night after work (both "working late"). He was telling me all about his life, how he adores his wife and would be devastated if she found out, how he sees himself growing old with her etc. All good so far because at this stage I felt nothing for him, I wasn't even sure I wanted to sleep with him. This was almost two weeks ago.

He then continues to message me EVERY day continuously throughout the day, the sweetest messages ever. And also very naughty ones. We also talk on the phone. I've been trying to hold back, and to not let my guard down. In fact I've been very reserved.

We met up again this week at lunchtime and just went for a long walk together. Chatting. And kissing. (In public, so very risky.)

We are both constantly reminding each other that we must make sure this does not go to far, that we mustn't get carried away and we've agreed we will end it as soon as one of us start feeling too much.

But here I am! Feeling too much! And I don't want to end it! I knew it was a risky game to start with but I really really didn't think I'd start growing strong feelings for him.

We have not had sex yet although it's been scheduled within the next week. I know I really shouldn't go through with it. But I crave it. I crave him.

I know that I must end it or it's all gonna end in tears. Hopefully just from my side but I realise that there's a lot of people at risk of getting hurt here.

Maybe if you guys all shout at me and remind me of what a horrible person I am being I will stop?

You wouldn't say that if it was a man, blatant sexism.

I would actually, if he'd come on here and posted what OP has posted.

You don't know anything about me, please don't presume to know what I would and would not say.

Well done Badow, listen to the parsnip x

Okay then, for the record I would be as disgusted with a man or woman cheating then posting self pitying crap.

I do agree op was very wrong as you can see from my posts but bit spiky n all she's listening to us x

Likewise, OP knew she was wrong and said so many times, no need to call her names. It's an anonymous forum, she needed somewhere to vent. If you don't like it you don't need to comment.

I read the first few posts and was going to say something mean about cheating but well done OP on stopping the affair. I hope you and your husband work your marriage out or you have an amicable divorce.

I agree with MrsCs, absolutely.

What a fool you are OP.

He's done a number on you! What a manipulative, persistent shit of a man. You are being a total mug. And you will get very hurt if you jet him manipulate you any more.

One thing I've realised is that I really do need to end my marriage. And I need to do it the proper way.

I would hate for my DC's to find out what a horrid mum they've got.

I know I'm being a mug. It really is like I've had a rational part of my brain telling all this time that he obviously doesn't care, he's not actually a nice person because nice people don't do this, etc.

But this rational part has kept getting overruled by the stupid, narcissistic part of my brain that believes everything he says is true and that he's he sweetest person ever.
And I do realise all negative things I'm saying about him applies to me too.

I agree with MrsCs. At least someone here is talking sense.

Yeah, MrsC's reasoned advice has been really helpful, as have all the other 'you're disgusting' comments on this thread.

Clearly everyone else on MN is a saint, I had no idea!

It's not about being a saint. It's about respecting those closest to you. The fact she didn't think of her children and DH when joining cheating sites (and come on! That's a whole process and she could have stopped anytime) speaks for itself.

Just end the marriage. Stop hurting people with your lying and cheating. Selfish person.

How on earth can you call a married man who is on a cheating website 'sweet'? Get real.

Another one agreeing you need to end your marriage.

You're not a slag or easy, but you are human and fallible. Well done for ending it and deregistering - stick to it.

Sort out your life and then have a look for men who aren't complete gits which by the nature of the site you've used they are guareenteed to be. Don't put yourself in situations that make you exactly the same.

Your dc and dh will be upset, but the consequences won't be half as severe as betraying their trust and then finding out you're someone they never thought you were capable of being.

There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, but you can't hurt people to achieve that. You may dread taking the harder route but I think considering it as your 'penance' for lack of a better word for your behaviour so far may spur you on to do the right thing. It's your price to pay to protect their feelings.

Thanks Cornettoninja, I will start working on a plan to leave my marriage. I just really can't bare the thought of hurting my husband by telling him I don't want to be with him anymore. But as you say, it's better than him finding out what I've been doing as that would hurt him much more.

And thank you again parsnipbob for your support.

I hate it when women call each other slags and whores its so archaic and demeaning to all women.
That being said I think I'm with MrsC on this one. I think one thing all cheaters have in common male or female is their ability to put their own needs, wants and desires above everyone elses including their own childrens. Contrary to what some posters believe that does make you a bad person or at the very least a selfish one.

"Thanks Cornettoninja, I will start working on a plan to leave my marriage"

So all a future intention? Are you really going to do it?

There are many threads by OW started on MN over long Bank Holiday weekends, some blatant than others as a device simply to keep talking about the affairs, thus keeping the 'bubble' suitably dramatic.

Have you been telling yourself 'I must leave him', but doing precisely nothing about it for ages? Other than increasing the number of men you see, and finding them on a 'seeking sex' affairs site, that is?

Infidelity is not always black and white. I know it is hurtful and wrong but actually no, the act of individuality itself does not necessarily make someone either a bad person or a selfish one. We don't know anything about the OP's life or marriage.

And for the record, I have been cheated on.

TrojanWhore, wow that struck a chord. Yes, I think part of the reason I started analysing things last night was because I knew I had a long weekend ahead of me and that i would miss him. But realising that I'd miss him also made me realise I'm feeling too much and that I must end this.

I know it's all selfish. I know it's not right. And I know that even my reasons for ending this are selfish!

But I will stop. I will sit down and speak with my husband in the very near future.

I don't like defending myself here but I haven't actually slept with all these men! Most of it has been flirting . But still wrong of course.

It's been suggested to me to come off mumsnet for a while and not entertain the drama in my head. So that's what I'll do.

I've deleted the messaging app so won't see any replies from this man and I'm also deleting the mumsnet app so I can fully focus on my family this weekend.

Thanks for each and every one of yours advice, the good and the bad, I've taken it all in.

Get out of the marriage and be on your own for a while you know that doing this cant end well

Your dcs will be much happier being with two happy parents living apart, they must pick up the vibe at home

Don't wreck other people live to make yourself feel better, you know that in the end you will only end up feeling much worse

Hope you work things out. I know how easy it is to get swept away especially when their lies sound so believable. A part of you wants to believe everything because it makes you feel good and it is what you desperately want.

I stopped short of sleeping with the guy and I am glad I didn't. It would have wrecked my life.

You have done the right thing by calling it off