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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 08:07

That seems quite a long time for him to have them?

BifsWif · 05/05/2015 08:13

I agree, that seems a long time for their first visit. He does NOT get to dictate. You do. He should be working up to overnight visits slowly, they're so young and this is all new to them.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 05/05/2015 08:19

Ophelia be firm - don't let him call the shots - that seems a long time .

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 08:36

Good morning, OR, sorry to hear you didn't have that good a night. Hope you can have a bit of rest whilst your mum takes the twins out.
Have you absolutely agreed to the Friday to Sunday thing? I'm with those who think it's far too much for the first time. Could you not tell him he picks them up on Saturday morning and brings them back in the evening and picks them up again on Sunday morning (depending on how it went for the twins on Saturday)? He does not get to dictate to you.

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2015 08:45

Good morning, sorry to hear you haven't slept well.
I agree that it's not up to h when he has the children anymore. He has left home and left them as your responsibility. I'd go one night if you plan any overnight at all. Make it the night you are most likely to be able to get a night out or some company over for yourself too. Make this work for you and for the twins. Sod him! x

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2015 08:49

Also, and I hope this is hurtful, but when h starts harping on about his important WF is to him and his plans. Maybe remind him that a few months ago he'd have said the same about you and his children so he can't be surprised if you don't take his word for anything!

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2015 08:51

Oh no, I meant ISN'T hurtful. Sorry

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 05/05/2015 09:02

I cried at the thought honestly. I haven't sent him any replies yet although I think I agree with posters here that I should tell him he can come get them Saturday morning not from Friday night!

OP posts:

Mama1980 · 05/05/2015 09:03

Sorry to hear you didn't sleep well.
Not sure how you feel about overnights but when contact is discussed, the questions are very basically: does he have somewhere safe, secure and relatively permanent, I.e. Does he have somewhere to live established that they can become familiar with?
Have the children been told the situation and do they have a age appropriate understanding?
Have they been away from their primary carer, will the idea of overnights be a familiar concept to them?
A routine of some sort of generally considered better than odd days here and there.

I feel for you, this I so so fast. I would personally consider the above and then decide (you NoT him you are now resident parent) whether you want to allow a full weekend. Tbh as I said earlier I feel it is far too soon but of course you know your children best.

Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 09:07

I would suggest to him that overnights is a bit previous atm. I think a day is plenty for now.

gbuk · 05/05/2015 09:37

Delurking to say Ophelia you are an amazing woman. So much has changed for you in a very short time but you have evidently not allowed it to change you from the awesome, capable and caring person you are. Going through a tough time myself right now (though the reasons and circumstances are different completely) and I love your idea of using pinterest boards to plan some changes. If you dont mind I'll copy that idea myself and would love to follow your ideas too. Hope the week ahead treats you kindly. Stay strong

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 09:39

I think it also depends where he is having them. If it's his parents house and they have stayed overnight the a lot (ie. They know what bed room and bed is theirs) and they are close to their grandparents, I think it could be ok. As long as you first age it with his parents. I would ordinarily speak to them. If it's his own place then not overnight, let alone 2 nights, until they are really used to the place. He is So unempathetic it blows me away. This kind of demand shows me how little regard he has for their benefit. He hasn't asked if you think it's OK for them, as their mother. He is so on another planet. You also need to send him those recommendations about not meeting Ow for 6 months and get him to agree. I know you can't trust him, but you can hope that if he agrees in writing, it is hopefully going to make him more worried about going against that.

HollyJollyDillydolly · 05/05/2015 09:39

I would say it's a bit long for the first overnight visit. One night to begin with would be more realistic especially if the twins aren't used to being away from you.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 05/05/2015 09:44

Why is he telling you when he's taking them? Didn't he ask?
I'm sorry, but he's just left you and his children for a woman who dishes out blowjobs at work, how can he be telling you when he's taking the twins, the ones he's just left you entirely responsible for? I can't beleieve he has the cheek.
And a whole weekend visit is a bit much for the first night away surely? You'd think he'd see this. He must be deluded.
I'd tell him two nights is too much to start with and you'd feel more comfortable easing them in to the situation with one night.
But actually if it was me, I'd tell him absutely no overnight stays yet at all to be honest. It's all very raw at the moment.

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 09:49

Yep, no overnight stays yet due to the newness of the situation.

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 09:53

Deluded=much better way to say ' on another planet'. Good post, chuckit.

My post had tons of typos. I meant to say "personally" speak to your in laws, if you're up to it. Alternatively say no. I think his argument is that get then used to it quickly even if it's painful. Your argument, they have been through a lot (no Daddy around like he used to be, mummy sad and trying to deal with a broken heart), let's not cause them any more pain. Just because they are little doesn't mean they don't have feelings!! They are only 2. What's the longest they have ever been away from you?

eminthebigsmoke · 05/05/2015 09:53

Agree with everyone - so far it sounds like the longest the twins have been away from you since he moved out is a few hours so 48 hours is huge jump.

I get the impression he is thinking of this all in terms of them being his kids, who know him and his parents so it will be fine - he seems to be wilfully ignoring the seismic shift he has caused for them by not being there every day.

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 09:56

I get the impression he is thinking about himself. He misses them. Good! But he chose this. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I expect he missed them more being around WF's kid and doing kid things which he could see his kids enjoying. good again! He chose this life. He can pay for it.

Phoenix0x0 · 05/05/2015 10:09

I agree with PP, let him have them from Saturday.

This is a bit of a power play here...he needs to understand that he cannot dictate but ask and then it is negociated between you both as parents.

Two years old is still very very young and building up for them to stay over a number of days should is the best way forward.

If he comes back with 'but WF let her son stay over a whole weekend at the very start and it was fine', I would reply with "that is all very well, but as their mother I believe it is in the children's best interest to build up to a longer stay over the weekend'.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 10:17

Morning,

Just want to clear something up, Saw your post straight after mine last night, I really really hope you weren't referring to me as the OW, that kinda shocked me, just to be very clear, I have never been in that kind of situation in my life. Although I have seen it a lot at work and the damage it does.

Anyway, if that was the case, just want to be clear, I am absolutely not an OM for any man.

I really do wish you the best and if I said anything that may have upset you I apologise.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 10:21

Meant to say "not an OW for any man"!

iwashappy · 05/05/2015 10:23

Bjrce I have just re-read your post and I don't think you came over in any way as an OW.

There was a comment on here from another poster on here, who also had a bit of a dig at Ophelia! on another thread and I think it came from there.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 10:30

Thank you "I was happy",

MaMaof04 · 05/05/2015 10:49

If we need any proof that you must be happy that you got rid of him when you are still young and can rebuild your life, then we got it. He obviously has no idea of the seismic effects his blow jobs in cupboards made to the twins life. Completely deluded and confusing of course to you and normal people.
I do not know whether to see his 'request' (?) as 'good principles' (he wants to be a good dad) applied in the most twisted way in a parallel paranormal world, or whether he is so much under the spell of the idea he makes of this other woman, that he wants to copy her and show how 'graciously' (!!!???) he deal with the break up! In fact both assumptions mean that he is in another planet (a one-dimensional world with no depth).
He is immature and out of touch and completely subjugated by her. If we know a bit about her then we might have a better idea how to deal with him and what to expect from him- regarding the kids and the divorce terms. Ophelia can you get some info about why she split up from her ex?
It is quite obvious that you should not agree to more than one day at a time- until they get used to the idea that dad is not living with them anymore and until he got some fixed residence.
Ophelia on the to do list can you please considering adding the following items:
1- you hair dresser
2- shopping for 3 nice outfits:
a nice formal business outfit with a bit of modern twist (assymetric hem to the skirt for instance- a fitting feminine and flattering shirt) for your meetings with him in lawyers offices etc I think that when you will dress up in business like but feminine way it will help you feel good about yourself and still approach in a business-like (less emotional) the discussions about divorce.
a nice flattering dress for your evenings out (for instance to meet at the work evening your previous colleagues). You must like say : thanks god that I got rid of him, I can now blossom!
a nice comfy but flattering outfit to hang out with the twins in the town, McDonald, parks, play dates etc
Pay attention to:
colour (does it make glow your face- the first impression when you try an outfit is usually the most accurate in this respect)
to fabric: that depends not only on the purpose of the outfit but also on your own taste and feelings and also on your body. Do you like it fluid? it is good for feminine dresses and shirts. If yes: is the cut of the cloth such that it falls/hugs/holds in the most flattering way?
a little twist - accessories: add a bit of something that is Ophelia to it. A necklace/scarf/ belt/ flowers in hair etc If it perfectly blends with the outfit it is good but if it clashes with it and fits your personality/smile/haircut etc then it is even better.
3- do not forget the hairdresser- Are you sure hat blonde is the color that suits most? what nuance of blonde? Can you trust your hairdresser?
4- find some classes you like (ZUMBA is great fun!)
5- the CHILDMINDER: please sort it out ASAP. (Maybe you can sometimes ask your DB or friend to be with the twins - e.g. when you go your formal (and hopefully future) work evening.)
When you go out shopping take your friend and DB with you if possible. I used to drag my H with me: he suffered, he even brought his laptop to work in the fitting room. Of course do not fully rely on what men say but still you can make a good us of their opinion when you oblige them to explain it (ask precise questions based on what you have noticed: why don't you like this dress? is it too loose around the arms? does it make me look older or unpleasant? etc) Your friend will help you having a modern and young look (men are useless in this aspect and do not quickly grasp the beauty of new modern not-conventional cuts.)
Good Look (BTW what is this pinterest board you are talking about- I am not that savvy in computers-hobbies.)
(I hope no-one will have some grudges against me if my English is awful. I will not proofread my post because I got to hurry to do something else.)
Ophelie sorry you did not have some sleep (Again can your mum or DB come and take out the kids so that you can relax a bit? Do you take some pills to help you de-stressing?)

Big Hugs! I love you Ophelie!

Akifden · 05/05/2015 10:50

Don't let him make the decisions if you're not comfortable with them. Just because he demands it doesn't mean it has to happen, he really is selfish and entitled. I'm not surprised you felt panicky going to sleep, get that other phone and don't check it at night!

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