Help me feel better - bit of a dating nightmare (played)

[annemariegutted]

Hi all. Let me start by saying this situation might not seem like a huge one, but it's triggered me and as a result I had bad nightmares last night, woke up wringing wet from sweat and feeling very anxious and detached right now. I just want some advice on why someone might possibly behave in such a freaky way because I feel like I just can't trust anyone.

13 months ago my DP left me without me knowing what was going on and he'd moved out when I was away for the weekend (didn't admit then he was having an affair but I found out months later with someone we knew quite well). At the time we were trying for a baby and planning to get married and I was just so shocked I found it hard to cope. I never got that "closure" or a talk to tell me why and it took me a long time to feel relatively ok again.

So fast forward to my current "relationship" as I have been dating someone who I really liked and was growing trust with who I met online. Trust thing was quite up and down and I had a few wobbles but he's always talked it through with me and been fine afterwards. He was patient and understanding that it was hard for me to get close but we just got on like a house on fire.

We took things very slowly, chatted a lot online for a few weeks then met for a drink. We had great chemistry from day one and just felt very familiar. We do talk a lot by email and phone as we live a little distance apart and I work every other weekend.

All going good, a few dates in, not slept together (I wanted to wait) but we'd just had a date Friday night were all we did was cuddle on the sofa kissing and laughing about and it felt very "relationshipy" to me. When he was leaving he kept running back from the car for more kisses. I was away for the weekend with my mates on Saturday and Sunday but he'd said he'd come round tonight (1.5 hour drive) and texted to say he missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me etc.

Then 1am this morning, I got a random text to say he had left Facebook and wanted me to know so I didn't worry, but at the time I got the text I was logged in on my work facebook account and when I checked he was still there...still with 300 friends and I was confused. Logged into my own account and he was gone.

So he blocked me!!!!

I texted him to ask why he'd blocked me and been dishonest about it and he won't reply. I only texted twice, once just after his text at 1am asking WTF he was playing at and one today to say that I wish he'd just been honest and acted a grown up and he has read both messages and responded to neither.

I'm presuming I have been played, or he is dating someone else too, or he was intending to end it with me?

Can anyone just help me get the closure without closure by explaining what a total fucking idiot like this is actually thinking when they do something like this.

I feel violated if that makes sense and really don't want to sink back into that depression I was in before from the ex.

I met a LOT of wankers when I was on POF.
One who I went on two dates with, text me the morning of the third to say he couldn't wait to see me, then just never turned up, blocked me on fab, stopped replying to messages etc.

One who text me after date with a pros and cons list - didn't like my dress, eye make up too heavy, voice 'young and naive sounding' but don't worry, because plus points, funny, pretty, good company.

More and more and more tales like that.

I'm really sorry that he has behaved like this. I could sit here and second guess why and what was going on in his head, and maybe some of those theories would be right, but the film he's just not that into you is right - sometimes we just have to accept that and move forward and keep these as funny tales to tell. You will meet someone nice eventually, but you will probably meet a lot of shit heads in between!

Wankers abound. It sounds as though he's seeing someone else and hoped his clever and subtle plan would keep you from finding out about it. But actually the details of his motivation aren't important. It's human nature to try to work out all these inconsistencies and make sense of them (we are wired to do this) but try to remind yourself that it makes no difference: he has revealed himself to be an immature, dishonest head-fucker. You don't need to know anything beyond that, except that it's NOT you.

Thanks. It's just hard to understand what the point of it is. Presumably his intention, seeing as he texted to explain was to pretend he'd left FB while he'd actually blocked me and go ahead with our date tonight with me one the wiser

I could only really think that he is seeing someone else and she'd posted something to make it obvious and he wnated to continue to date us both or he'd plannd to stand me up tonight with an excuse, phase me out and he'd not wnated me to take to FB or to see his movements.

Was a hideous coward, after all the honesty I've given him.

I feel like it is me, and wish I didn't. He seemed madly in love...as did my ex and I wonder if I am a complete idiot.

None the wiser, not one the wiser

It's not you.

Also, seeming 'madly in life' after a handful of dates is a massive red flag, in my opinion.

It really, really isn't you. These men are fundamentally lacking in integrity to behave like this. This one sounds immature and in love with being in love. The running back for more kisses thing is really OTT... sweet, but at the same time a little too much? My suggestion, and it's only a suggestion, is to find things you want to do for you and that build you up. Don't worry about getting closure. I've wished for closure a number of times (dated a lot American stylee, grew up in America) but honestly men who do things like this generally lack the insight into themselves to even give you that. They're actually quite sad and empty people.

I struggle to understand how people can be such terrible cowards. Both these men should be ashamed - how would they have felt if another man had behaved like this to their sister? Not good.

OP, I agree with previous posters. Their cowardice is not your fault. Of course, if they don't feel like you are 'the one', that's fair enough (you may have felt that yourself).

I think that you should take any future relationship slowly. Do not feel that 'the one' will be put off by this - he won't be. In fact, he will be reassured by it and respect you for it (all the while becoming more desperate for you!).

OLD is clearly a horse-market. You must be careful and try and sharpen your senses to bin the weaklings early. BTW never had any OLD experience thank God.

All posts upthread are excellent advice - Mumsnet at it's best. Particularly Fairy13 and something.

Please do not feel down about this - you have had two 'lucky escapes'. You should be raising a glass to yourself - you have escaped two men who are cowards and clearly have a low respect for their fellow human being. This situation could have been much worse - you could have wound up in a LTR with them!

Time for a and a pat on the back.

He was trying to have his cake and eat it and you caught him out. He's a player and a bullet dodged. If it was me I'd be very glad I hadn't slept with him. Be a bit gentle with yourself though because his behaviour is no reflection on you whatsoever!

I think it's worth remembering that a lot of guys will say "what they feel in the moment" if they think it will further their quest for sex.

Women don't really operate in the same way - so to us it feels fundamentaly dishonest and is hard to understand.

But a man saying stuff like that when challenged is likely to say "I meant it when I said it; but later I felt differently". And to be honest in that assessment.

It's not much help to you - because you are hurt because you thought he liked you "long term" because he acted "long term". Turns out it wasn't even "short term".

But it doesn't mean their is anything wrong with you OR that there is any magic tool to weed this out.

So sorry this happened. You will find this is a pattern for online dating and hopefully it won't continue to be triggering for you once you see it has nothing at all to do with you personally.

The initial long period of texting and online communication without a meeting can give you a false sense of intimacy. You'll soon avoid falling into this trap. Meet quickly or stop texting. Lies and deceit are more obvious in person.

Many many men who do online dating are married or otherwise involved in a relationship already. Sounds like yours may fall into this group and he had gotten caught. These men are usually the ones who are so over the top early on - so overly interested in you from the get-go - it's not flattering, it's a red flag, although we certainly wish it to be genuine.

As you go on, you will spot these guys much sooner and you won't be led on. This is one of those painful lessons learned - one you will forever and always benefit from and then pass on to others.

Oh, and as far as "closure" with these loser men - it's when you ceremoniously delete them from the contacts on your phone. That's it. Unilateral. Don't seek out a conversation or a statement of rejection from him.

Thanks all. I can see he was clearly trying to keep me strung along and hide stuff from me. I know deep down that's not my fault and it's not what a nice person does. I just feel so silly for liking him so much and thinking he was so great

Awful....

Bet that's not the first time he's pulled that one on someone.

It's all just so fickle these days the dating game.

It's not you Op ....sorry to hear you've been messed around....

Wrap dress is right. Don't invite contact of any kind.

So delete, block, ignore and keep repeating to myself that he's an idiot that I don't want in my life. I know this makes sense, I will psyche myself up to do it and stop sitting there waiting for a reply to explain or say sorry which I realise isn't ever going to come. Funny how at these moments when you most need your confidence and Beyonce attitude is when you least feel able to do it. All the replies are really helping me.

I am sure he has done it before too. Sickened really about how he sat there and told me he'd been cheated on by one girl and how he hated that and had no time for it and how hurt he'd been and how he was only interested in me and for me to drop all doubts...blah...blah...blah. He really well and truly sucked me in.

I mean, getting facebook blocked when you think you're happily dating someone is the shit of the shit really. Can't really respect someone who'd treat a person that way and the lack of reply or acknowledgement shows he's a mega coward.

God he's not even attractive.

He's too short

He has a massive forehead...like massive.

I hate the way he dresses (chavy)

He has a rubbish job and isn't very educated compared to me.

He only won me over (with a lot of work on his behalf) because of his personality which I thought was so sweet.

I tell you, you have to watch the short unattractive ones. If they have game, they realize that many women will automatically assume they are more "sincere" than more attractive men, and use that to their own advantages. They do the hot pursuit thing, seem to be way more into you than you are into them, and get you thinking you should give them a chance. Nope. Nope.

Maybe that's true. That's exactly what he did really.

I suppose it was only three months of relationship and that's not very long.

It is just a very weird feeling to actually be blocked like that and for him to the basically not even reply to texts. Bit like being deleted as if you never happened.

My ex did that too, it was just the most horrible feeling. I got a text when I was away for the weekend and it just said he didn't love me anymore and had got his own flat and would be gone when I got back. I tried to call and text a billion times and he just ignored me. Honestly had absolutely no idea and thought he'd had a breakdown or gone insane. When he finally did talk to me it was cold, brief and he said he had to do what was best for him.

I think I just didn't need to the same behavior twice...even if the second one was a mini version and of course much less painful.

It's always the short unattractive ones!!!!!

The one who stood me up was short, fat, ginger, and smelt. And a pig farmer (I'm a vegetarian!)

Eugh.
What someone said up thread about texting creating false intimacy is right. It's also much easier to portray a better version of yourself over text.

I left my abusive exh nearly 18 months ago and the first guy I dated after was (I thought) literally the best creature to ever grace this earth, attentive, kind, educated, great in bed. Until he dumped me a month later and I was CRUSHED. Looking back on it, I was not ready at all and was so pleased to have finally found someone nice that I got totally carried away.

It's such a cliche but it sounds like you maybe need to concentrate on yourself for a bit, then, when you date you will be comfortable enough yo wait for the right one, not just the first one that flatters you who you happen to think will do.

if you haven't watched it already, watch he's just not that into you - it's a game changer!

Good luck, honestly, these will turn into great stories soon. Take that from a serial online dater!

I suppose what baffles me is the way they handle it and why they do that.

I have seen "He's just not that into you" and I honestly am nothing like that woman. Never chased a man in my life. Never been interested in someone who wasn't taking a keen and obvious interest in me. Not the type to enjoy the chase AT ALL!

I'm very confident, quite feisty, no wallflower or walkover and always been pretty popular with the male species. I made this man (and the ex) jump through quite a few hoops before I agreed to date him. My other (good) exes would tell you I make a man work for it so absolutely not fitting into the wounded bird category.

I understand pretty clearly why my ex did what he did. He fell out of love with me, and did not have the balls to say it. He loved this other woman and figured running away was the best way to handle it. We were just about to get married and try for a baby and he just didn't want it and handled it like a jerkoff. Took me a long time to accept that and understand it, but at least it makes a semblance of unfortunate sense.

What really puzzles me with this new guy is why this man went through so much time and effort only to do something like this before he'd even gotten into my pants so to speak, which he was clearly desperate to do.

We had a date planned for yesterday, a date planned Friday night too, a weekend away planned on the 8th May to this luxury spa place he'd spent ages sorting and we'd paid for and he was doing absolutely everything right and had been going at it for months.

It just makes absolutely no logical sense to me at all to then randomly block me on Facebook at midnight one night. Seems almost unhinged behavior. I don't get the motivation....

I know the chances are that there was:

a) something on his Facebook page that night that he most definitely did not want me to see.

or

b) he was planning to dump me and was afraid I would do something to embarrass him. Which shows how little he knows me if he'd think that.

Giving the midnight timing after he'd been out on the booze all night I'd hazard a guess that (a) is more likely as (b) he'd probably have done as and when he dumped me rather than a few days before and he'd probably not done it in the pub.

I just wish I knew what it was that was on that page he was so desperate for me not to see that he did this.

Was he tagged in a photo kissing someone? Was he at a strip-joint? Had he gone away for the weekend with some other internet date and not told me? Was he on a date? Does he have a girlfriend? (seriously doubt that as he quite publicly acts like he is with me and I have met his friends) or has he been announced as "in a relationship" with someone else?

God I wish I could access that page and see what it was!!!! I hate the not knowing, but I know what people said above is true and the "why" is not important - what matters is that he did it, drunk or not, instead of being honest and two days later has still not offered an explanation or apology which makes him a coward and a liar and totally not interested in my feelings.

OP you can spend as much time as you want trying to figure out his motivation. The net result is the same isn't it?

Don't waste your time.

If you are even vaguely near Hampshire way I have lots of single male friends! Ha.

I am quite!

P.s if you pm his name I can definitely snoop for you and find out!

stalker

I'll PM you my dating profile and his name and then you can match make me and then stalk my ex

I was just in the shower (day off) and was actually thinking I'd quite like to be matchmade by someone off MN. I mean you lot are sure to have well vetted single man friends?

I'm being completely serious! I like nice guys, not the mean ones.