Help me feel better - bit of a dating nightmare (played)

[annemariegutted]

Hi all. Let me start by saying this situation might not seem like a huge one, but it's triggered me and as a result I had bad nightmares last night, woke up wringing wet from sweat and feeling very anxious and detached right now. I just want some advice on why someone might possibly behave in such a freaky way because I feel like I just can't trust anyone.

13 months ago my DP left me without me knowing what was going on and he'd moved out when I was away for the weekend (didn't admit then he was having an affair but I found out months later with someone we knew quite well). At the time we were trying for a baby and planning to get married and I was just so shocked I found it hard to cope. I never got that "closure" or a talk to tell me why and it took me a long time to feel relatively ok again.

So fast forward to my current "relationship" as I have been dating someone who I really liked and was growing trust with who I met online. Trust thing was quite up and down and I had a few wobbles but he's always talked it through with me and been fine afterwards. He was patient and understanding that it was hard for me to get close but we just got on like a house on fire.

We took things very slowly, chatted a lot online for a few weeks then met for a drink. We had great chemistry from day one and just felt very familiar. We do talk a lot by email and phone as we live a little distance apart and I work every other weekend.

All going good, a few dates in, not slept together (I wanted to wait) but we'd just had a date Friday night were all we did was cuddle on the sofa kissing and laughing about and it felt very "relationshipy" to me. When he was leaving he kept running back from the car for more kisses. I was away for the weekend with my mates on Saturday and Sunday but he'd said he'd come round tonight (1.5 hour drive) and texted to say he missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me etc.

Then 1am this morning, I got a random text to say he had left Facebook and wanted me to know so I didn't worry, but at the time I got the text I was logged in on my work facebook account and when I checked he was still there...still with 300 friends and I was confused. Logged into my own account and he was gone.

So he blocked me!!!!

I texted him to ask why he'd blocked me and been dishonest about it and he won't reply. I only texted twice, once just after his text at 1am asking WTF he was playing at and one today to say that I wish he'd just been honest and acted a grown up and he has read both messages and responded to neither.

I'm presuming I have been played, or he is dating someone else too, or he was intending to end it with me?

Can anyone just help me get the closure without closure by explaining what a total fucking idiot like this is actually thinking when they do something like this.

I feel violated if that makes sense and really don't want to sink back into that depression I was in before from the ex.

perhaps because he wanted to think about what to do before deciding whether or not to end the relationship. Bear in mind they had plans to meet up the next night, he hadn't cancelled those, so perhaps he blocked her on fb so he wasn't faced with the picture/the thought while he planned to confront her the next day. Except that she then realised that he had blocked her before he could confront her, so he decided to just end contact altogether.

Well I think he's still been a knob, but the whole thing makes more sense now.

wannabe I understand what you wrote and completely understand from his side that this could be extremely upsetting. Particularly given that he wanted to join me on the trip, and he might well think I am playing him. All I can say is that I came from a place of being innocent and not really being that aware of how it would look. Never been with anyone this jealous before. All new to me. It wasn't intentional and had he gotten into a sulk, seemed off or confronted me we could have sorted it as couples do.

I do take the blame for causing and issue and see his side, and I can totally picture him (he's been cheated on before by someone saying she was "just friends" with a guy) and maybe he was sat there, got drunk and in a rage blocked me. Then sent the text in a bit of a panic because he knew he'd done a drama queen thing.

He didn't block me on anything else..like whatsapp so presumably if he'd wnated to sever contact he'd have done that too.

But I just can't help feeling like it's still massively childish to not just reply to me and sort it out. A quick "sorry, I shouldn't have blocked you but..." unless he thinks i actually am sleeping with that guy and he's still in a rage.

Who knows? this is all speculation anyway because I am just guessing because he won't talk to me. Not sure how people are meant to work things out if one person just gives you the silent treatment.

Also bear in mind there might well still be another woman, or this might well have been a very hateful dumping and unless he actually tells me I am still guessing. If I knew for a fact this was the problem, I'd contact him or go and see him but am not making a tit of myself if he's dumped me or got someone else. He's put me in a bit of a tough spot!

well in general mn is a huge advocate of blocking people without a word. I agree that as a rule it's better to sort things out, but it's very hard to explain away a picture of someone with an ex in a romantic setting. And having dinner with an ex and not wanting current bf to be there would be seen as a red flag in most relationships too tbh. nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex, but most people wouldn't be comfortable with couple dinners out at romantic locations. And given this is such a new relationship he probably thought that he didn't want to be played.

It's up to you now tbh, whether you feel this one was worth trying to explain to him how you feel, but either way you probably need to re-evaluate your relationship with your ex. If even your close friends think that you look like a couple and have questioned whether you are back together, then you know how it looks, and if that's not how you want it to look then maybe time to take a step back. Because this won't just cause issues in this relationship.

you're being very disingenuous here op.

You went out for a meal with your ex, to a romantic setting. you were tagged in a picture which makes you look like a couple against a backdrop of water, at a hotel. Even your friends think you are back together with him. And yet you're blaming him for blocking you on fb? you've only known him a couple of months, if he already doubts your fidelity, and from the picture it seems he has reason to, then he probably thinks this relationship is not worth investing in long-term. Why would he? Yes, perhaps he should have given an explanation, but equally as soon as you confronted him you have made him out to be the one in the wrong, so perhaps ignorance is better than confrontation in this instance.

I know that makes me sound bad wannbe the way you're phrasing it is helping me see the other side from his perspective, but this genuinely didn't even cross my mind as something he'd be annoyed about or I'd not have done it (or posted this baffled thread). I might be very dense, but I also see pics of him with other women having dinners and cocktails who I know are his mates and it didn't occur to me he was doing anything wrong or to flip out and block him. Like I said though, he is extremely jealous and possessive and prone to tantrums and fits of anger and impulse and I am just learning him...we're new to each other.

In reality, I spent half the night with the ex talking about the new man, how I felt i was going to fall in love with him soon :(

I do really like this man, and if this is why he has done this I want to apologise and resolve it, and I would be happy to cut ties or at least change dynamics of my relationships with male friends etc. for this guy but he has to want to talk to me.

One thing I do know about him is that when he gets angry he gets very angry, very childish (have seen it before), very stubborn (most stubborn person I have ever met) but he does come around in his own time.

Not really sure what to do. I suppose he will talk to me if he wants to one day?

With hindsight, all I DO wish mainly is that I had texted "have I done something to upset you?" instead of losing it for him blocking me :/

Too, the fact that he would be so jealous about an ex that he couldn't simply ask about it doesn't say much for his maturity or his self-confidence. They'd been seeing each other for four months, the OP's texts to him were clearly heartfelt and he didn't give her any response. Maybe this misunderstanding is the reason... but it doesn't reflect at all well on him and who wants to be in a relationship with a man who's going to assume the worst and sulk.

If he's "extremely jealous and possessive and prone to tantrums," consider it a. bullet. dodged!

well if you want to resolve it talk to him. Don't text, call him and talk to him.

Ex's are spiky teratory for most people. Even in the most stable of relationships the appearance of an ex in a picture against a romantic backdrop would be enough to set a radar pinging. Because dinner for two just has this feel to it, and when it's an ex, someone with whom you've had a strong bond in the past, and the bf wasn't invited to get to know them it's enough to set off any insecurity.

How long have you and ex been split? how does it happen that you're going for romantic meals out? Whenever I've been out for dinner with male friends it's been to the local weatherspoons and the like, so not much ground for misinterpretation there, but a hotel with romantic backdrops and presumably an expensive meal out just gives out a totally different picture. iyswim.

But talk to him. = Don't start from the position of an apology, start from the position of "I've had friends ask me if me and x were back together after the other night's picture, is this what you thought? At least then you should get an honest answer.

My Achilles heel is being ignored rejected without understanding because my ex DP (and most serious relationship) ended like that it and felt like the worst sort of end - without even a goodbye or explanation and for me being stonewalled or someone refusing to talk is agonising.

For him, his Achilles heel is being cheated on, and he has trust issues, again because that was his worst past experience

I want to be mindful that we're all imperfect. He's handled it badly, maybe I have too but he told me early on he felt that side of him could be overcome with time and trust.

I am not sure if some people are just missing certain skills - like communication or problem solving or if maybe you can grow those things together but I can't shift that feeling I have about this person and wanting to at least try.

I hope he calls me or texts me when he's calmed down if this is what the cause of this is.

Also, I don't think you should apologize to him. Call my cynical but if this is the actual reason for him blocking you and cutting off all communication, and you actually succeed in getting him to give you another chance (!) then you will be giving another chance to someone who sounds like he has the potential to make your life quite miserable down the road, as you struggle to anticipate what might upset him and cut people out of your life because he doesn't approve of you being in contact with them. Etc.

Call me a bitch... some have.

sorry cross post wannabe. I know from experience he talks when he's ready and not before. Best to leave him longer to calm down and if he cares he will contact.

My ex and I split seven months ago, and the dinner happened because I don;t see him often and my friends and I had a night planned out right by here he lives and he drove over to take me to dinner the night before due to my flight times I was at a loose end for the night. I didn't plan the location...I don't even know the area, but it was a seaside restaurant and in actual fact his brother came too so it was all innocent.

I think your idea for a text is a very good idea. I suppose if he WAS dumping me or has someone else, sending that text only loses me an inch more dignity and has the possibility of fixing us otherwise?

I feel no confidence to send the text though :/ So unsure about whether this was the reason.

something that is a very good point. My friend who called me last night told me her ex husband was like this and would often not talk to her for a month and it was very miserable, regardless of how she loved him

Someone you have only known for 4 months being extremely jealous? RUN FOR THE HILLS.

why would he call though op? your friends think you are back together with your ex, so if they think that, most likely he does as well? so why would it be up to him to call? If you want to resolve this you are going to have to make the first move.

somethingmore I think that jealousy etc depends on the situation. I've been in relationships with possessive controlling men, and I agree that it's not a healthy place to be. But equally it appears that the op doesn't necessarily see where the boundaries can be crossed, e.g. a romantic dinner for two with an ex which she didn't see anything wrong with, but even her close friends took it as a sign they were a couple again. iyswim? If op mis reads signals like that, then perhaps the bf's frustration is justified?

If any woman posted on here that their new dp was going out for romantic dinners with their ex to which they were not invited, the consensus would be that he was still far too invested with his ex and it would be better to dump and move on.

I'm not suggesting that it's not innocent op, but obviously if he's read it a certain way, and friends have read it a certain way then people make their own assumptions. After just four months it's not about fighting for a relationship though, if there were serious doubts on either side then it's still early days enough to just cut ties and walk away.

Equally if you are already having arguments it might be a very good sign that this relationship isn't working out anyway.

I agree I did not see where the boundary was here. He is okay with me having male friends. He's not a psycho, but what I have done is to give someone with a known jealousy problem cause to be jealous so I know I am culpable and am guilty of something here.

I agree if he actually thinks I am into another guy he is never going to call. I'll take some time to really reflect on how best to approach this. I know I probably have to bite the bullet and contact, but am very scared this might not be the reason at all.

I know how it looks. I'm not remotely interested in my ex. Totally crazy about the new guy to be honest. Felt more for him in the first few months than probably anyone before.

We have had arguments since we met really. Not blazing ones, but more both jumping to wrong conclusions and not talking for a few days. It's all fire and passion but that always happens by text and when we see each other we both laugh at how silly we are. He's a fire sign..very proud, complete alpha male and nothing like the walkovers I am used to dating.

But... all this is tea-leaf reading. I'm wary. Maybe he did have an attack of jealousy, possessiveness and paranoia so intense he can no longer communicate with someone he's been seeing for four months and who he's introduced to friends and family. But we don't know if that's even the case. He could also have gone out with someone else and want to pursue that under the radar. I'm just not sure the OP should be trying to think of ways to grovel to him. And his statement that he suffers from jealousy but that he thinks this could be overcome (translation: if she works hard enough at it) is to me, not a good thing.

Let me ask you a couple of things that may seem a bit off-topic: How is he with waiters, taxi drivers, shop assistants, etc? Is he happy in his job, or is he beset by idiots?

Well, latest revelations put a totally different spin on things.

1. You had been 'dating' for 4 months
2. Loved talking, walking, holding hands (no sex)
3. He has known and well flagged mahoooosive trust and jealousy issues
4. OP plans a trip away, excluding BF. He asks to come - she says "no". (Abroad???)
5. OP decides to go out for romantic dinner with ex (in a foreign county??? wtf)
6. Romantic pix surface on FB
7. BF slams phone down on relationship (metaphorically)

IMHO OP you have really hurt him where he already had an unhealed wound.

Getting sex the following week is very small beer in this context. His defensive emotional survival shutters have come down.

'Humble Pie' alert.

I agree with Mermaid and wistful at the same time

I wasn't abroad though, just at the seaside and it was a girls night out with no other halves invited, and I just thought it was better to take our first trip away just the two of us, which I;d arranged for week after next with him.

The trouble with eating humble pie though is that mermaid might be absolutely right, except for a few things.

1. He's not added any new female friends for weeks to FB (even now)
2. If he'd blocked me and unblocked me, It wouldn't have refriended me so I'd have noticed anyway.

I still think even if he was jealous, blocking me was a bloody odd thing to do.

something to answer your question....

1. He's fine / nice to waiters and stuff.
2. He's really popular with his work people....lots of banter and a bit of a "lads" vibe.

Great terms with his ex wife too so he can't be a gargantuan knob. He's a perfect gentleman in most ways but when angry...he's a bear with a sore thumb really.

I know what you all say is true about the seemingly romantic dinner, but he's been quite jealous about petty stuff before and shown he can't seem to tolerate any kind of attention being paid to me from men.

I'd describe a pattern since we met....which is that he gets jealous and then blanks me. Trouble is he never says he's jealous, so I don't get what's going on and so it escalates unnecessarily. When he gives me the silent treatment it's always interpreted by me as "he doesn't like me as much back", so I pull away to save face and feel really sad until he comes back.

He's done this 5 or six times. The longest he didn't talk to me was two weeks. Which is a long time in such a short relationship...I realise that's not good but feel sometimes like he lacks the maturity to talk through this and work it out.

I have really mixed thoughts and feelings on this whole thing, I miss him right now, really badly hope he's not done this because he didn't like me but also wondering if I want all this drama in my life.

I really appreciate being given both sides of the possibilities as it's really helping me to understand where he might be coming from - but I wish he was the one explaining it to me instead of Mumsnet if that makes sense.

I don't want another kid, and it's annoying me because I feel like I might already be in love with him. At least the early stages.