Help me feel better - bit of a dating nightmare (played)

[annemariegutted]

Hi all. Let me start by saying this situation might not seem like a huge one, but it's triggered me and as a result I had bad nightmares last night, woke up wringing wet from sweat and feeling very anxious and detached right now. I just want some advice on why someone might possibly behave in such a freaky way because I feel like I just can't trust anyone.

13 months ago my DP left me without me knowing what was going on and he'd moved out when I was away for the weekend (didn't admit then he was having an affair but I found out months later with someone we knew quite well). At the time we were trying for a baby and planning to get married and I was just so shocked I found it hard to cope. I never got that "closure" or a talk to tell me why and it took me a long time to feel relatively ok again.

So fast forward to my current "relationship" as I have been dating someone who I really liked and was growing trust with who I met online. Trust thing was quite up and down and I had a few wobbles but he's always talked it through with me and been fine afterwards. He was patient and understanding that it was hard for me to get close but we just got on like a house on fire.

We took things very slowly, chatted a lot online for a few weeks then met for a drink. We had great chemistry from day one and just felt very familiar. We do talk a lot by email and phone as we live a little distance apart and I work every other weekend.

All going good, a few dates in, not slept together (I wanted to wait) but we'd just had a date Friday night were all we did was cuddle on the sofa kissing and laughing about and it felt very "relationshipy" to me. When he was leaving he kept running back from the car for more kisses. I was away for the weekend with my mates on Saturday and Sunday but he'd said he'd come round tonight (1.5 hour drive) and texted to say he missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me etc.

Then 1am this morning, I got a random text to say he had left Facebook and wanted me to know so I didn't worry, but at the time I got the text I was logged in on my work facebook account and when I checked he was still there...still with 300 friends and I was confused. Logged into my own account and he was gone.

So he blocked me!!!!

I texted him to ask why he'd blocked me and been dishonest about it and he won't reply. I only texted twice, once just after his text at 1am asking WTF he was playing at and one today to say that I wish he'd just been honest and acted a grown up and he has read both messages and responded to neither.

I'm presuming I have been played, or he is dating someone else too, or he was intending to end it with me?

Can anyone just help me get the closure without closure by explaining what a total fucking idiot like this is actually thinking when they do something like this.

I feel violated if that makes sense and really don't want to sink back into that depression I was in before from the ex.

Yes, you're right.

It seems very irritating he's going to just get away with it...

yep. Gets right under my skin, people like this getting away with it. Playing with peoples' emotions.

Only thing you can do is live and learn to guard your heart a bit though. Grrrr.

The trouble with being dumped or treated like crap is all that "what's wrong with me?" that you feel. But if someone acts mental enough to do this, it's pretty clear logically something is wrong with THEM and not you, so the sting is much less. Hence him being such a twat has actually made me feel better!

I'm not going to delete him just yet. I know I should. But I'm still too annoyed to decide what to do. I might even play along with the facebook lie and apologise then tell him that I don't want to go out with him again, or maybe stand him up a couple of times. Childish? Yes!

When you said you may be addicted to the drama, you're not wrong are you?

Well you're a big girl now but, honestly - is he really worth all that hassle?

It would be more of a kick in the teeth to this bloke to just drop him; if you go down the route you're considering, you might as well put a big sign up in his front garden saying "this guy really matters to me": surely the opposite of what you want to convey...

You're absolutely right.

tbh, you should have let him go at the two weeks of silence stage.

Anything else aside there's no way I'd put up with that.

Just block and ignore now. Anything else and it does look as if you're enjoying the drama. He's not that important, and even if you were to play games with him, it won't stop others from being taken in by him in future.

"the three or four women he is interacting with" and then you go on to say that they are not as attractive as you. So you knew what this man is really even before all this nonsense.

All the signs were there of him being an abusive little twat, but for some reason you chose to ignore. Jealous, sulking, stonewalling, gas lighting, immature, lots of silly arguing within a few months, being ignored for two weeks. This is all behaviour designed to discipline you.

You have had a lucky escape, so why are you worrying about hurting him? You need to understand that you can't hurt him. People like him have fickle and shallow emotions. By all means stand him up...but you are changing your entry code...do you think standing him up will hurt him...oooh he might let himself in...chase you up and make you come back....NOOOOO, he will most likely shrug his shoulders and carry on his "interaction" with one, two, three or fours of these other women. Don't flatter yourself, and don't take any of it personally. Men like him don't even care how attractive you are, you are just a faceless, nameless, mass of matter that he can play with.

No, no, I knew he interacted with them but I didn't assume that means anything (I interact with men too) but now, in light of this I think it means something. Things change and you suddenly see things you were not looking at properly before.

I have to admit though, I did at times have nagging doubts. Just something not quite right or a bit off and I ignored it. Beyond the bad behavior something felt off with him, and I don't know why I ignored my gut feeling or the evidence in front of me.

TBH he had tantrums quite easily so I probably kept quieter than I would have previously so as not to ruffle his feathers.

Why did I do that....because I think after my ex did his vanishing act it might have messed up my system of working through these things. He was also very charming and I felt feelings of being in love that was quite addictive. He knew what he was doing. He knew I was an easy target probably.

What I mean is that while I was away, I noticed 4 - 5 women, in my general age bracket, all single Mums, all in his local area added as friends on his Facebook. When your online dating someone that sort of thing raises an eyebrow, especially as he seemed to "like" their profile photos once he added them.

That said, all that while, he was very openly interacting with me and phoning me every day etc. so because I'm not a jealous person it didn't really cross my mind to be worried. Now obvs I am thinking he had a queue lined up

ah but you checked their profiles, so you did have doubts about his integrity and whether he was lining them up, you checked to see if they were local and single. Does this mean you are jealous too? or is this just the rational sensible thing to do when you know you are probably being played? I really feel that you knew and you chose to ignore. You have good instincts but you lack the confidence in yourself to trust it.

Maybe get a hobby? You are spending way too much time analysing this loser. Did you read baggage reclaim at all? Surely you deserve more than this?

His haste to anger, his tantruming, his dismissive reprimand to you for "bleating", all red flags.

CLOSE shave OP. He he had a brain he could be a player.

I agree with your assessment, he won't be thinking you're a stalker, he'll be thinking ''this has set that shag back a week or two but I'll make her beg forgiveness for upsetting me, see if that works''. He won't be thinking ''i should have been an honest man''. He'll be thinking, damn my settings should have been right to begin with.

Actually, if he does claim he left fb, privately send him the proof you know he's still there with a message "if you had a brain you could be a player"

Hmm...mini I'd say I was curious. I'm not jealous in the sense that I don't make assumptions, or fly off the handle into a rage, but I do have my eyes open a bit. I possibly did know, and you're right, I have lost all trust for my instincts.

allofaflumble yes I read about 50 articles and a lot of them were really enlightening and very good. I've never really had to worry to much about it because I've been lucky with normal, nice men who never gave me cause to post on a web forum, apart from the vanishing ex and then the first new relationship this happens...so it has affected me too much but I think it was compounded by this being my first time trusting and being back on the horse. It is experience and I will learn for next time.

Stampys you're spot on, he's a pig, and I know him...and that will be exactly what he is thinking. Like a big baby in a tantrum that lost his toy. I do believe I was his favourite toy, so it will grate at him because he thought he was being so smart and screwed up the plan. What's occurred to me also is that he felt we were nearing the point that I would wan to post we were "in a relationship" and of course...he couldn't have that. He will be raging with jealousy and anger and doesn't give a crap about me beyond thinking of me as his possession. I don't think he has enough of a brain to get the irony of texting a joke about his account being active, and like everyone else said with afterthought I think the best bet is to ignore because anything else shows I care and stokes his moron ego.

I am okay though, not sitting there obsessing anymore, promise. Just more angry and irritated than anything else and it comes for about 5 minutes an hour. I'll have forgotten it by the end of the weekend, which isn't bad going.

(I do have the perspective to realise this is not that big a deal! It creates an intense reaction but it'll be short lived)

OP let me say something that I hope isn't going to sound harsh. It's something I wish someone had said to me when I was your age-ish.

You need to do whatever it takes to STOP wasting time, thought, energy, anything on these total losers. Do not buy into the "you have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your handsome prince" bollocks. YOU'VE KISSED THE TOADS. Now you're just wasting your youth and fertility. If you want to be happy in life, if you want a family, children, a husband who thinks the world of you, then grow up and stop equating man drama with having an interesting life. (I don't mean that in a mean way -- as I said I only wish someone had been so blunt with me.)

I know your marriage sent you into a tailspin. But it's way too easy to keep drifting along in this post-adolescent mode of not being NEARLY selective enough in the first place, thinking you're being open-minded ad having colourful adventures, and then working yourself up into a lather over some useless idiot who doesn't even deserve to be in the same room as you.

You make your own happy ending and you have to start now. I didn't do this, and I'm now 48 and facing divorce #2, no kids (that I had wanted) and terrified out of my mind. And yet I was very attractive, had a good job and many things going for me, but because I had low self-esteem I kept getting obsessed with worthless losers until it was too late.

You can do this. You can start with not giving this dickweed one more second of your time. I second the people saying get some other hobbies, other activities. I think in my first post I told you, you need to build YOURSELF up. These men will tear you down until you have nothing and feel like nothing, but ultimately the decision to wake up and treat yourself as though you are worth more starts with you.

Also, ((hugs.)) I'm sure I sound like a bitch. I just want better for you.

Thanks something. I am 37 and already have a child...I have honestly had happy relationships and never had a headfuck one before or a man who treated me badly. Every single one of my exes is a good friend (hence the one I had dinner with). Even my previous DP of several years who vanished was a very happy relationships until he vanished (hence my shock).

I'm not one of those women who likes being treated badly or likes man drama. I thought he really liked me and saw a future because he said so, and I know I have been stupid in not seeing red flags but I'm not a seasoned dater and am not used to people with odd agendas. I know I have to wise up.

Your message was very lovely, and I will take it on board and make sure I don't end up in another relationship like this. Thank you xxx

(PS: I don't need hobbies...I have a massively interesting job, heaps of friends, an amazing child and plenty to do. I took the week of this week because I felt really down about this. It shocked me, that's all and it's been hard because I have spent a while building myself up from the last knock only to be kicked down again. I wil rise! xxx)

Well said something. As an older lady who has wasted way too much time trying to win the approval of assorted deadbeats, psychopaths, lame ducks and cock lodgers, I hope younger women realise they are better off alone. They really are!

Oh and annmarie I completely understand how dissapointed you feel having been treated so badly. Good luck to you.x

OP You definitely don't come across as being a man-pleaser at all costs with a low bar.

He had some game up his sleeve. You spotted it. Well done. Doesn't mean it won't leave you feeling a bit shit.

Okay, good. Now I'm worried I confused you with someone else who has had more ongoing self-esteem issues. It's hard with no faces to put to screen names. Sorry! [slinks off feeling stupid] Think stress is messing with my head a bit. I'm really glad you have a child, too. You sound lovely and I'm just sorry this idiot has been able to get at you.

No something the stuff you said was relevant. Obvs I didn't have self esteem issues before, but probably do now. Someone said earlier that I should not have tolerated the two weeks of silent treatment earlier on...and they are right. I don't think normal people who really like and respect a girl do that, do they, so I do probably need to learn to man up a bit and tell them to piss off at the first sign of being less than they should be x