Help me feel better - bit of a dating nightmare (played)

[annemariegutted]

Hi all. Let me start by saying this situation might not seem like a huge one, but it's triggered me and as a result I had bad nightmares last night, woke up wringing wet from sweat and feeling very anxious and detached right now. I just want some advice on why someone might possibly behave in such a freaky way because I feel like I just can't trust anyone.

13 months ago my DP left me without me knowing what was going on and he'd moved out when I was away for the weekend (didn't admit then he was having an affair but I found out months later with someone we knew quite well). At the time we were trying for a baby and planning to get married and I was just so shocked I found it hard to cope. I never got that "closure" or a talk to tell me why and it took me a long time to feel relatively ok again.

So fast forward to my current "relationship" as I have been dating someone who I really liked and was growing trust with who I met online. Trust thing was quite up and down and I had a few wobbles but he's always talked it through with me and been fine afterwards. He was patient and understanding that it was hard for me to get close but we just got on like a house on fire.

We took things very slowly, chatted a lot online for a few weeks then met for a drink. We had great chemistry from day one and just felt very familiar. We do talk a lot by email and phone as we live a little distance apart and I work every other weekend.

All going good, a few dates in, not slept together (I wanted to wait) but we'd just had a date Friday night were all we did was cuddle on the sofa kissing and laughing about and it felt very "relationshipy" to me. When he was leaving he kept running back from the car for more kisses. I was away for the weekend with my mates on Saturday and Sunday but he'd said he'd come round tonight (1.5 hour drive) and texted to say he missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me etc.

Then 1am this morning, I got a random text to say he had left Facebook and wanted me to know so I didn't worry, but at the time I got the text I was logged in on my work facebook account and when I checked he was still there...still with 300 friends and I was confused. Logged into my own account and he was gone.

So he blocked me!!!!

I texted him to ask why he'd blocked me and been dishonest about it and he won't reply. I only texted twice, once just after his text at 1am asking WTF he was playing at and one today to say that I wish he'd just been honest and acted a grown up and he has read both messages and responded to neither.

I'm presuming I have been played, or he is dating someone else too, or he was intending to end it with me?

Can anyone just help me get the closure without closure by explaining what a total fucking idiot like this is actually thinking when they do something like this.

I feel violated if that makes sense and really don't want to sink back into that depression I was in before from the ex.

but he's been quite jealous about petty stuff before and shown he can't seem to tolerate any kind of attention being paid to me from men

Jealous, controlling, petty, stonewalling headfuck is what I'm getting from your latest post. Well rid.

Coming from a place of total honesty with myself I do think that's quite true actually. I might just try and get over this one because in the long run he might bring me a lot of pain.

Wish I didn't fancy him so much!

Sweetheart, with the best will in the world, you "think you might already be in love with" someone who in the four months you have been seeing him, "gets jealous and then blanks me... He's done this 5 or six times. The longest he didn't talk to me was two weeks."

Please, take a step back for a moment and read that sentence from start to finish, and then please ask yourself why you would be feeling how you describe in the first part of the sentence about a man who has behaved to you as you've described in the second part of the sentence. I think you have definitely, definitely dodged a bullet with this bloke, and that he's actually done you a favour in ways we couldn't have even begun to imagine when we read your initial post.

"Wish I didn't fancy him so much!"

Ach, there'll be plenty of other Tefal-foreheaded blokes out there for you OP

Chin up lass, he ain't worth it. Onwards and upwards

Love that sucks! Please have a look at this website, it's helped me so much in figuring out the motivations of fuckwits like your guy...

Baggagereclaim

Link

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Yeah, the more I think of it today with a calm mind, the less I want this to be my life. I know I'm not perfect, I know I did a very stupid and possible even totally thoughtless thing, but would just not be able to live in a relationship with someone who didn't talk to me and explain what was going on in their head. It'd just be an ongoing nightmare really.

Just feeling like (regardless of me cocking up) he's been a real twat.

If he'd done something to really upset me, I'd have flipped out maybe, but when he sent a text asking me what was wrong I'd not have taken days to reply, or not replied at all.

It's so exhausting, so negative, so anti-helpful and I've been fighting it since we met.

there is unfortunately something a bit sexy about that man who wants to posses you (bit Christian Grey) but in a lot of ways this silent treatment business sense a message he only cares about how he feels.

Trying to imagine being married to that and it's offputting.

You definitely dodged a bullet there! Be grateful he showed his true colours so early on. And please do look at the website I recommended, it's brilliant.

Well it sounds like you've got your thinking cap on in regards to him, so hold onto those thoughts!

And don't beat yourself up too much either; we all make mistakes x

I think this whole situation has been so close to what your ex pulled with his sudden vanishing act that it's been understandably VERY triggering for you, which has made it really hard to see what is going on (even apart from it being inexplicable behavior on its own!) I'm glad to hear that this guy wasn't overtly angry, etc. with waiters, etc. -- I just brought it up because it can be a useful "tell" when the guy is otherwise trying to sell you on the idea that he's sensitive and misunderstood. Still, what you describe overall is really not good and these prolonged sulks so early on are giant red flags. Onward and upward!

Thanks a million all (I am reading baggage reclaim) you've helped a lot with this situation.

something I think that's right, the vanishing act is what just felt so crappy after being there once before. It did trigger me. Haven't actually gone to work all week actually. Not that I was sobbing, just felt really unsettled.

Also sprung to mind as I was cooking tea that he knows what I went through...and acting like this is a bit compassion-less. Would not have killed him either way to text back explaining, even if it was just to shout at me.

Just sent me a message to say he'd deleted all his pics of me (some were a bit risky / flirty not nude or anything but personal). Just said "all pics of you deleted".

?????

He's typing another one. Shaking here.

? He's escalating things?

I'm also a aghast that he knew what had happened with your ex and chose to handle things this way. It's cruel. For some men the early stages of a relationship are a time for them to test your boundaries and see what you'll put up with and how much they can push your buttons (and push you around.) What's he said?

It says this...????????????????.........

"I'm pretty pissed off about you bleating on how I wasn't truthful for deleting FB..??..just thought it was childish that you ranted on about something so trivial as FB...it's a fucking social site, cyber, not real life, if I want to delete it I will. Tbh, wish I'd said fuck all instead of having told you...teach me not to open my mouth in future. We were getting on fine till your rant"

AND THIS IS HOW HE SPEAKS TO YOU???

How dare he.

Never spoken to me like that before!!!! He's acting like there's nothing odd about blocking me and lying about it?!

But he didn't delete it,

Just tell him to bugger off.

Lucky escape.

He didn't delete fb he just deleted you!

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

You don't need to ask yourself why he does all this shit, you need to ask yourself why you don't think you deserve better.

You should delete him now. I'm serious. If you tolerate being spoken to this way even once particularly so early on you open the door to verbal abuse. You're unhappy now and want to resolve things with him more positively. Anyone would, most women would, and he's counting on that and pushing you to see what he can get away with. You have to be firm now and cut it off, even though it's hard and not necessarily what you want. Otherwise, and I speak from experience, you're headed for real misery.

Translation

"I'm a huffy, self important cuntbag whose cock has been shrivelled by the fact that you are more successful and attractive than me. Therefore every time you speak out, stand up for yourself, question my bizarre behaviour or in fact, just say something I don't like, I'm going to have a shit fit to bring you back into line as though I were some sort of prize worth striving for. From this point in, everything that is wrong is your fault. Hope that's all good with you."

what a tosser. He thought he was so clever with the facebook thing.

you spotting his attempt to compartmentalise and lie is "bleating".

OMG

text

Good bye and good luck playing the field.