i have messed up big time and i don't think he can forgive me

[hazzie22]

hey all, so i've been seeing a guy for a while and about a month ago he said he loved me and i said it back. we are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend and nobody knows about us.

about a fortnight later i got really really drunk to the point I cannot even remember anything and i woke up in bed with a friend of his. I was mortified and felt like crying there and then as I had no memory of even speaking to him, going back to his house or memory of what happened. I decided not to tell the guy im seeing even though i was devastated.

a week later he found out as his friend had apparantly been bragging about me to his mates. naturally, he went mental and said he was devastated and that we should end things and so on. i told him i couldnt apologise enough and explained what had happened, although i cant blame it on alcohol but i am not exaggerating when i say i remember nothing. he said he felt sick and felt liek crying (this is a massive thing as he is not in touch with his emotions!) and he's devastated cos it's made him realise how much he cares about me but that he can never forget this now and he will always be reminded of it when he sees his friend.

we have continued to speak every day since, from waking up in a morning to going to bed at night, but he wont let me see him face to face as he says that wont help anything right now.

he text me this morning saying last night was the worst night he's had in regards of thinking about it and that no matter how much i say sorry, things will never change.

im absolutely devastated. he hasn't text back since this morning and i dont know what to do. i want to make a go of things with him but i have royally messed it all up. how can i convince him that this can work? in the whole time of seeing him, despite not being exclusive, i have never slept with anyone and he knows this. ive been crying all week and feel sick! i dont want to lose him but i have a feeling he wont be able to see past this now and call it a day.

shall i just leave him to text back and not bother him? he knows exactly how i feel about him and it's cutting me up. i cant take it every day feeling this way but i also cant lose him..

If he isnt your BF then im not sure what his problem is?

You weren't exclusive? But were in love? And you're not allowed to sleep with anyone else? Eh?

Leave it.
And don't get so disgustingly drunk!!

So you were, it sounds, paralytic, and his friend had sex with you anyway?

I think his anger is going in the wrong direction, tbh.

to be honest, if he didn't want it to be exclusive he can't now be angry that you slept with someone else?!

I say this as a cheated on wife by the way (soon to be ex-wife actually)

If you both loved each other then maybe the conversation about being exclusive partners should have happened ?

Are you a teenager?

Several unrelated points come to mind:

• Do you think your drink was spiked? You mention several times that you have no memory of what happened. This is worrying.

• His choices are his own, and if he no longer wants to see you, then he no longer wants to see you and you have to accept that. You can't "convince" him.

• If you've been seeing each other for a while and have both told each other you love each other, then you WERE in a relationship. Whatever label either of you is willing to put on it. So it is understandable that he would feel betrayed.

I agree man so his friend took advantage and then bragged about it? You weren't exclusive with this dude and he's piling all the blame you?
Seriously tell them all to bog off and get yourself a sexual health screen.

And yes, what others have said - get yourself STD checked, and think about reporting the friend for raping you.

i think it's because he thought we were going into a relationship, which is what i want more than anything, and now he knows ive slept with his mate so naturally he is upset.

am i best to let him cool down and dont text him? i know he is out with his mates tonight, and i worry what will be said and how he will feel. i am expecting a drunken text saying he cant continue :(

I think you have to accept that if he doesn't want a relationship with you, then it's out of your control.

Do you feel you were so drunk that you were taken advantage of?

theres no way id have gone back with him if i werent so drunk, im not that kind of girl and the guy im seeing knows this. but i was drunk, i cant remeber, and who knows maybe i did give signs i wanted to :S

the guy im seeing is my priority at the moment i just wish it could go back to how it was!

Had you both agreed not to shag other people?

If not, then it sounds like he's getting off on you feeling guilty.

Do you absolutely KNOW you 'slept' with the mate? Because if you were that paralytic then I'd wonder about that. In any event - you were in no fit state to give consent so doesn't that make what happened to you rape? Does in my book. How much had you had to drink? What is your last memory? And as for your so called 'boyfriend' who's not really a boyfriend - tell him to fuck the fuck off and stop making you beg for his forgiveness/attention. This is NOT what a relationship is about.

And if you want to go out and get wasted, a) watch your alcohol intake and b) make sure you and a trusted friend look out for each other.

STI check too, unlikely a condom was used if you were that out of it.

What memories do you have of being with the friend?
Did friend know you were seeing his friend?
How much had you actually had to drink?

Depending on your answers I think there's more to your situation than you think.

The bragging thing is setting off alarm bells.

Well yeah... you got drunk to an unwise degree (fair comment, although spiking is a possibility?) and something happened to you that you did not choose. If you'd had your bag snatched would he have blamed you? Had someone run you over on the crossing because you couldn't jump out of the way would that be your fault? Just because it (probably) involved sex shouldn't make that much of a difference. Some nasty bastard took advantage of you when you weren't in a fit state to know what was going on. This makes someone a bad person all right, but not you.

Some men are really peculiar about women's bodies/choices and it's probably best you found out at this early stage that the guy you've been seeing is one of them. He could do with a better class of friend, too. Even if you had "given signs you wanted to" surely he could have said no thanks, I won't go there because you're seeing my mate? No - he went there and then bragged about it. Lovely. And it's all your fault apparently.

no - his friend knew nothing about us. i remember nothing and i dont know if he thinks im using this as an excuse to get out of it but im not at all.

he read my text this morning and still hasnt replied. im just worried it will all crash down this weekend but theres nothing more i can do or say and his choice is his choice :(

Perhaps don't get so paralytic in future that you end up shagging whoever? It's potentially incredibly dangerous and can't do anything for your self respect.
And perhaps announce exclusivity earlier on in relationships.

I'd let this guy go to be honest and chalk it up to experience. You've apologised, leave it at that. You don't want to be apologising forever and it will always be hanging overhead.

The only text I would sending is 'I understand your upset and hurt but you need to realise that I am too. I have no recollection of the events either leading up to or during the situation. I'm embarrassed that I got so drunk and found myself in a situation that I have no recollection of...I already feel used and taken advantage of as I was in no state to consent to anything. I do feel bad for how it has made you feel but I also feel bad about it and I will not shoulder all the guilt or blame as in my eyes the whole thing including the bragging about it says a lot more about your 'friend' than it does about me. I know who I am and I know that whatever happened that night (because I don't actually know other than what he has said) is not me. I completely understand if you can't move on from it, indeed it has learnt me an important lesson about drinking safely around people I don't know but I can't feel any worse than I already do or say anymore than I already have. Take care of yourself, Hazzie.'

And I would leave it at that. you can jump through all the hoops he wants but it won't change anything and if it's over it's over, definitely take steps in the future to protect yourself when your drinking especially around people you don't know. Take care

snuggletrouble thank you so much that has helped a lot x

You didn't give consent for his friend to have sex with you. This is not your fault. I also wonder about spiking of your drink. I think STI testing is a very good idea.

But as an aside, if you weren't dating or exclusive, he has absolutely no rights to be upset if you do sleep with someone else.

Why is your arrangement secret? I don't understand how the friend didn't know about your relationship. Are either of you involved with other people?

You were taken advantage of love, it is disgraceful that someone had sex with you in that state. There are lessons in there for you sure but you have the right to get as pissed as you want without feeling as though that gives any random man license to do what he pleases. I would send Snuggles message, and I would also question if this BF is right for you as his first thought was not your safety which it absolutely should have been

I think, more to the point here is that you were so drunk you can't remember anything & this guy is bragging about having sex with you.

A footballer recently got prosecuted for having sex with a woman too drunk to consent, because it was rape.

Also, are you absolutely SURE it was just drink that you consumed?