i have messed up big time and i don't think he can forgive me

[hazzie22]

hey all, so i've been seeing a guy for a while and about a month ago he said he loved me and i said it back. we are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend and nobody knows about us.

about a fortnight later i got really really drunk to the point I cannot even remember anything and i woke up in bed with a friend of his. I was mortified and felt like crying there and then as I had no memory of even speaking to him, going back to his house or memory of what happened. I decided not to tell the guy im seeing even though i was devastated.

a week later he found out as his friend had apparantly been bragging about me to his mates. naturally, he went mental and said he was devastated and that we should end things and so on. i told him i couldnt apologise enough and explained what had happened, although i cant blame it on alcohol but i am not exaggerating when i say i remember nothing. he said he felt sick and felt liek crying (this is a massive thing as he is not in touch with his emotions!) and he's devastated cos it's made him realise how much he cares about me but that he can never forget this now and he will always be reminded of it when he sees his friend.

we have continued to speak every day since, from waking up in a morning to going to bed at night, but he wont let me see him face to face as he says that wont help anything right now.

he text me this morning saying last night was the worst night he's had in regards of thinking about it and that no matter how much i say sorry, things will never change.

im absolutely devastated. he hasn't text back since this morning and i dont know what to do. i want to make a go of things with him but i have royally messed it all up. how can i convince him that this can work? in the whole time of seeing him, despite not being exclusive, i have never slept with anyone and he knows this. ive been crying all week and feel sick! i dont want to lose him but i have a feeling he wont be able to see past this now and call it a day.

shall i just leave him to text back and not bother him? he knows exactly how i feel about him and it's cutting me up. i cant take it every day feeling this way but i also cant lose him..

All the secrecy sounds bit daft really but I'm going to assume your quite young...
Just leave it for now & please watch your booze intake in future & try to ensure a friend has your back to avoid a repeat of this-sounds like an awful experience.

*you're not your, tut.

It's very odd that you don't even remember talking to a guy you slept with. Are you not even having flashbacks about what happened?

First thing I though on reading your post:

Was your drink spiked?
Why did a man sleep with a woman so drunk she couldn't remember a thing?

Sorry, but I think this might be a case of assault. You sound quite young. If this bf who isn't a bf hasn't asked these two questions then he is not worth it.

Look after yourself and watch who you hang around with. They sound like a bunch of immature, dangerous boys.

*thought

If I were you I wouldn't chase him any further. He knows how you feel so the ball's in his court now. Oh, and you have every right to feel very badly treated over how this "friend" behaved. I hope you can put that behind you, and I say that as a man.

And picking up on bolshier's correction above, if you do send the (long) text that one of the other posters above suggested, do remove the typos and grammatical errors first!

Good God.

OP you poor thing, you were at minimum sexually abused and at worst raped, and all you can care about is your victim-blaming non-boyfriend's reaction?

but i was drunk, i cant remeber, and who knows maybe i did give signs i wanted to :S You were in NO shape to give active consent. No consent = rape.

Please concentrate on yourself and on processing this awful experience rather than on the opinion of some wanker who doesn't care that his almost-girlfriend was sexually assaulted.

Are you completely sure that sex happened that night? Did you have any sense of it afterwards? You've only got this guy's word for it that anything happened.

I don't really understand the line you've taken with your BF (for want of a better term, I know you say he wasn't). While you can't be 100% sure that you didn't consent, you cannot be sure that you did, and given how drunk you were your consent was compromised. You have to be capable of consent for it to count legally.

While research has shown that the majority of women who think they may have been drugged were actually just very drunk, when you have absolutely no memory at all of the night's events - even speaking to this man - then a spiked drink is a genuine possibility.

I don't know why you and your BF have assumed that this was an ill-advised one night stand, when all you are going on is this man's bragging. I don't think he's the victim here.

Xpost with heartstrumpdiamonds - absolutely.

And a lot of you previous posters should have a good hard look at what you have written and ask yourselves why you are jumping on the victim-blaming bandwagon. Shame on you.

If your friend was really serious about the two of you becoming a couple he should have done something besides saying 'I love you' - taken some action to stop you potentially being taken up by someone else.

I'm old school and believe it's down to a man to make it clear and obvious that he wants a woman as more than a friend if he's that interested. None of this pussyfooting around. A man who sits on the sidelines and then whinges when the object of his affection moves onto pastures new, or excercises her freedom to sexual play with someone else deserves to lose out.

Since he didn't make it obvious that he wanted you in his life exclusively - sexually or otherwise - he has only himself to blame when you excercised your right to have sex with someone else. There was no explicit understanding. He doesn't have some kind of agreement with you for sexual fidelity.

He sounds like a woss to me. Crying? Seriously?! Blaming you instead of telling his 'friend' (who likes sleeping with semi-comatose women) to shut the fuck up or else. Not even attempting to protect the reputation of the woman he professes to love from a bragging arse hole?

This is a relationship with too much drama before it's even started, and if you ask me you'd be better off getting angry with him and giving him the cold shoulder - no calls, texting until he grows a pair and apologises (and I mean groveling) or better still moving on to a real man who really will love you and won't be afraid to actively demonstrate it.

Agree with posters about poss rape too. Get down to a women's clinic for support ASAP.

Yes please do correct the errors in the text I wrote...dyslexia plus rushing does not a perfect text make.

Dump him. Today. And then have a lovely weekend to celebrate your escape.

His friend is a nasty piece of work, and I agree that your lack of memory indicates very strongly that your drink was spiked. You were the victim of a sexual predator. Then the bragging...just no. And your supposed boyfriend is believing his friend's account over yours. He has not given you one ounce of consideration about what happened. It's a green light go for a drama filled shit storm in which you have been punished in a very degrading way: he won't let you see him face to face, your words are invalid. That is clearly emotional abuse.

What is the saying? You can judge a person by the company they keep. You are actually lucky you are making this discovery now. He is friends with a sexual predator. That's all you need to know.
This is so much more important than whether you love him or not (or he you)...this is both feet firmly in emotional abuse territories from boyfriend (as well as the obvious sexual abuse from his friend). You say you are concerned your boyfriend won't be able to get past this...I think you should be the one not getting past it.

I agree, if you stay together, (exclusive or not) he will use this as a stick to (metaphorically) beat you with. It may not be constant, but if you ever have a "concern" about him/his behavior...there it will be. And then he may also justify a fling of his own at some point.

Block his number...don't be available for the "can't go on" message...That is more emotional abuse.

SnuggleTrouble Please do not worry about it. Some people are too quick to criticise.

It's very rare to actually get so drunk that you remember nothing at all. You might have really confused memories, but just a blank sounds far far more indicative of something like a date-rape drug.

I think there's a bit of the puzzle missing here too -if you loved each other why weren't you a couple? Why did it have to be secret?

How much had you drunk op?
Have you ever blacked out to this extent before?

I'd also worry you passed out (if paralytic drunk) and he 'had sex' anyway. Aka rape.

i had drank a fair bit before we headed to some bars. but i had all my money left the day after so cant have drank much when i was out.

he has been on his phone since i sent my last txt and still not replied. i think i will just leave it now and if he wants to end things tonight then i cant do anything about it. i have a feeling he would wait for the weekend as to not upset me at work.

he mentioned how angry he is at his friend but i told him i'd rather he not mention anything to him. i dont like the thought of being spoke about. i just want him back at it used to be.

You are worrying about the wrong person here hazzie, I agree with all the comments hearts made.

You are the victim in this, your nearly bf is as horrible as the friend of his that assaulted you.

he keeps saying how f-ed off he is, but he says its not at me. so i just dont understand why he cant put this behind us.

i dont want to even think of it as assault or anything i want to forget all aobut it :(

I agree - you are the victim. How dare he make this all about him? He should be supporting you.

Why is your relationship a secret anyway? And why are you waiting for him to dump you?

I notice you're not answering the questions about the secret relationship. Is he married, OP?

So you remember heading off to some bars but you didn't spend any money. So either this guy bought all your drinks or he slipped something in one.

It's entirely understandable that you want to forget about it, but it's a bit difficult when someone you really like is breaking up with you over it rather than supporting you.

I should also warn you that I know someone to whom a similar thing happened, and she started getting flashbacks to the night later on. Stuff that she hadn't remembered at the time. I don't know that it will be that easy to forget tbh.

This bloke sounds like a MASSIVE PITA and his mate is at the very least a sexually opportunist who assaults women in no position to give consent

do not contact him again and if he re starts the mindfucking with you, tell him to take a running jump