Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Sorry didn't make that clear. It's my business, so I'd rather not have the inconvenience and cost of changing all my advertising and informing my clients just because of her!

Indeed, but you could forward all mail other than hers to a second account.

Not very IT literate, but could you not have any mail sent from her put directly into a spam folder?

That is not supportive but things have changed since she was younger. I personally would respond. 'Thanks for your concern, I know being a single mum if hard but I have made my decision and will not change it. I would appreciate your support in these hard times. My husband was abusive and I have taken enough. Then if she tries to persuade you again cut her out.

Just read the rest of the thread. Awful, cut her off and focus on you and dd's

She's an abuser too. Someone who allows their child to be abused is an abuser. It's written into the law. She's still trying to abuse you now with her nasty email. Women/mothers abuse in a slightly different way to men - it's mind games, making you feel worthless. T

here is a thread called 'but we took you to stately homes' or something similar about parents who abuse and it's scary how similar the things that the mothers did and carry on doing are. I strongly suggest you have a look as there are lots of mnetters on there who can give you advice on what to do as you go no contact with her. They've seen it all before, sadly.

For example, you can block emails from a certain person and so keep the same address. She won't know and will be blissfully unaware, sending you crap and thinking she's getting away with it. Check with your email provider on how to do it.

Meanwhile, congratulations on your new found freedom and for being such a good mother to your children despite the awful circumstances of your childhood. You may have made a few mistakes, but you've got the love and the drive to protect your children and that is what makes a good mother.

And happiness awaits for you and your children xxx

Make a rule so that every email from her goes into a 'junk' folder. It really is that simple!

It's your business, then block her emails.

Block her phone and be done with it. If she calls you anonymously, end the call without a word. Every single time.

Do not reply.

If you feel like you want to say something, post it on here!

Be strong sweetheart, you can do this.

Is it easy to block somebody's emails? It's a hotmail account.

Yes. Sign into Hotmail and click on the setting button on the upper right corner (little gear wheel). Select Manage Rules from the menu that drops down.

Click the New button.

Paste your mum's email address into the first box, next to "Sender contains". Now select an action for those emails - you can delete them, send them to Junk, or put them in a specific folder which you can make while you do this task. (Call it "Fuckwit Mails" or similar.)

Then finish by clicking the Create Rule button at the bottom of the screen. All done :)

Is this any help?

email.about.com/od/windowslivehotmailtips/qt/Block_Sender_by_Email_Hotmail.htm

I've called the folder "headfuckery" :)

I'd definitely go no contact with her, she's making you doubt your actions. It's vital you don't back slide and she's not on your side.

I'd respond to her email, thanking her for making it clear what you have to do and that you don't intend on having any further contact with her.

Make it clear that is your decision and don't speak to her again.

I know it's not easy but I do fear about the damage she has the potential to do to you and your children.

I would encourage you to trash her mails, if you keep them, you will at some point be tempted or feel guilt tripped into reading them.
Make that decision to not let her hurt you anymore

Have you got a trusted friend who could set up another email and divert those emails to that account?

I think it might be prudent to keep her emails, so that if she ever tries to cause trouble for you with anyone you can use her own dreadful words against her.

Toast, our history is very similar, with one exception, I found a loving husband and broke the cycle.

My mother tried everything to split us up in the early days but I moved away and have never let her be a part of my life again.
My dc haven't got a relationship with her and I'm glad they are now old enough to see through her.

For years and years I tried talking to her, reasoning with her, wanted her to acknowledge how bad it was, maybe even get an apology. It was the little child in me that couldn't make sense of her actions. Once I had dc I understood even less, how she could have done what she did.

She always said and still says she had our best interests at heart, everything we are we owe to her.

I know that everything I am and have is my own hard work, it took me years of therapy to be able to not rise to the bait she throws out, to not try and get the love I never got from her.

She still rewrites history and I am able to just get up and leave if she does.

You will get there too. You are stronger than you think, you know what is good behaviour and chose not to tolerate the abuse anymore. This is the most important thing you have ever done for your dc.
They don't mind tatty furniture, they need a loving home and good role models. You are one!

OP, I'm sorry I haven't read the thread, but felt sufficiently moved by one of your posts to want to reply straight away so apologies if I am repeating another reply.

She stood by while your step father abused you? You've dumped your husband, do you feel you could dump your mother now?

What an awful email. You sound amazing. I have no doubt you will create a lovely, calm, oasis of peace in your new home with your DC.

This morning's email

Hello, how was your weekend? Are you free one morning this week so I could come over and we could chat?

So that would be my weekend without my DDs?? And she hasn't taken time to come and see me for 3 months but can now?

(Yes I shouldnt have looked at the email!!!).

She acting like nothing has happened (in her mind at least nothing has indeed happened) is typical as well from such a disordered of thinking parent.

Do ignore this e-mail as well and stop reading them too!. At the very least stick them in your spam folder.

You can use separate programmes which will bounce emails back. Think Mailwasher is one of them.

She clearly thinks she has done nothing wrong - deluded.

Haven't you been waiting all your life to off load what your really would like to say to this female ? Just tell her. No (is a complete sentence) :o)

No I am not free
No I have nothing to chat about
Jog on

I just feel like I have to reply. I was thinking of saying

Busy all this week. I think you made your feelings perfectly clear on Friday so I have nothing else to say to you.

Just realised there was a ps to the email where she asks how one of my DDs is (who was ill last week) and she's spelt her name wrong. Words fail me....

Toast

I would still urge you not to reply directly to this latest missive because that is what she wants from you; she knows she has you then. A reply from you further feeds her; her only tools are hate, rage, blame and poor martyr me. Expect her further to try any and or all of them.