Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Toast, my MIL is a horror, Bil is worse & a flying monkey, SIL is another flying monkey.
When DH & I got married, MIL went into one of her epic depressions when everyone runs round after her, waiting on her hand & foot. When I was pregnant with DS she phoned me screaming down the phone that I was sick, because I wanted DH in the delivery room with me when he should have been at home...her home, with her.
So much more has gone on since then.
What really hit my DH was when she started to resent & blame his DC for taking him away from her took.
Throughout all the 25 years of her sh!t, I have always said to myself & DH,
"What part of her behaviour is normal?"
It's hard when the flying monkeys are zooming around, but again, think to yourself,
"Is their behaviour really normal?"
No, it isn't.
Just because they're behaviour is backed up by their own little group, doesn't mean that it's OK.
Sometimes you feel isolated, as if you're the only one who says, "no." But they're all involved in the same abusive cycle. They can't cope with you stepping out of it.
Have courage Toast, you know that you're in the right

Too, not took!

Glad to hear it toast - one less source of stress! If she gets the hump about you not talking to her but 'taking her money' or anything like that, you can calmly explain that it went towards food/shelter for her grandchildren and that you felt confident that she wouldn't mind. She will mind, but she can't admit it without looking like an arse

Today's email

Hi Toast

We had a lovely lunch on Saturday and it was so nice to see everyone. Hope you had a good weekend.
Mum

Needless to say I won't be replying.

Oh go on - please just say 'Glad you all had a good time celebrating my birthday without me - that's not weird at all!'

I was hoping for photos tbh. I thought maybe they would have had a cardboard cut out of me propped up on a chair.

Or maybe they could send me a piece of my birthday cake?

I'm amazed that I can laugh at this stuff!! but what option do I have?

Hello toast. I have just read this thread (well your posts) with this expression on my face

What a nasty piece of work you mother is. You are doing so well to break the cycle and bring your DC up with love and compassion. I ake my hat off to your strength and integrity

Jesus wept, you must be DRAINED. You've been through the fucking mill and made it out the other side but this all sounds so stressful still.

You are on the right side of the fence, don't ever be tempted to climb over!! Try not to care what they think of you. You and your DDs know what is true and that is all that matters.

God, I think you have genuinely got the same DM as me, this denial is totally up her street.

WEEKS of voicemails of complete normalness despite me NEVER answering her calls after she moved away without giving me her fecking address/contact details.

Yes i think it is draining. I feel ok about it but have started having horrific nightmares about my DDs every night, I'm sure it's all linked.

What makes me laugh is there is no mention of "sorry we didn't see you, we all miss you" or even anything of any substance from it. It's purely letting me know just to prove her point. And I had told her last week that the reason the DDs wouldn't be going (aside from the fact they didn't want to because they think she's a fruit loop) is because they had an important event to do with their hobby. It was a big deal to them but she hasn't even asked about it! Or how my eldest DDs AS levels are going. All good reasons never to speak with her again I think.

The sensible part of me says to obviously ignore but the devil in me would reply "I had a FABULOUS weekend, many more lined up! Byeeeeee!"

I actually did have a fabulous weekend but I thought it might be rude to brag ;)

Bloody hell my lovely, BRAG AWAY! You've more than earnt it!

Toast, I am open-mouthed in shock at the behaviour of your mother, and am in awe at your level-headedness and courage in dealing with the situation. My DM has minor narc tendencies, not even on the same scale as that woman, and I'm pretty sure I don't deal with it as well as you do.

I'm so glad you had a great weekend, please do brag about anything and everything you want to on here, you definitely deserve it!

Happy belated birthday

I didn't mean brag on here!! I meant to her. The truth is even though I find it incredibly hard to be without my DDs at weekends, I am finding me again. Which actually is kind of nice. I shopped all day Sat with a friend and on Sun saw the DC doing their hobby event and could feel very proud of them.
My weekends were so miserable when Mr Toast was there, I cried every Friday morning at the thought of two days with him and what he might say. It's lovely not to have that and if my mother can't be happy for me now, then that's her loss.

Seriously toast, email this back.

I'm glad you all had a nice time - I had a brilliant weekend too! I'm so much happier now than I was before, and so are the girls. I just regret not having done this years ago.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll hear from you soon.

All the best,

Toast :)

But then I'm a bitch

I must be an even bigger bitch, Plumping, because I would love for Toast to send that exact email, only without the 'all the best' bit at the end!

I honesty think that the best answer is no answer

Dont reply at all. She must be doing her nut in that shes not getting any response from you.

I haven't replied. I'm not going to. As much I would enjoy saying that to her it really won't penetrate into her world. She has to believe I am making a huge mistake or her whole belief system will implode.

I can't remember if I've contributed to this thread before but I keep an eye on it and think that you are amazing. I expect that you have inspired a lot of women who have read this thread and you are a great example to your children :-)

ophelia

Fair enough, toast. The best revenge is a life well lived though, as they say, so in 20 years' time or so when your life hasn't turned to shit the truth may dawn on her......

That was meant to be ophelia !

It is of course absolutely right not to reply. I'm sorry I was a bit facetious before, I let my anger at the way toast has been treated get away with me.

Hope you're having a good week, toast