Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Toast - you know that she wants you to put up with your abuser, to do what she did in her marriage, because it validates her choices, and her marriage. If you do what she did, that makes it right and ok - and normal.

If, however, you do what normal, loving, selfless mothers do, and put your dc first, always, it shows her up to be the toxic, indifferent, cruel hag she is.

you must do it her way, otherwise she has to look at herself in the mirror..... and think about what she has done, and what a failure she is as a human being.

I've gone 99% no contact with my parents because of years of communication like this, Before the days of email, I'd get pages long letters criticising everything about me. "Because she cared." I only recently got over my phobia of opening letters. Still terrified of the phone though.

When me and DH went through a really difficult patch recently, considering separating, her advice was "Have a baby! It worked for me and your father!" They're miserable as anything. Slept in separate rooms since their 40s. She had an affair, went back to my father because it was easier.

So yes, she wants you to follow the same miserable script she followed.

Sorry, not much help, just wanted you to know you're not alone. It's like they want to pass on their rubbish choices. She should be applauding and supporting you for getting yourself out of a damaging situation for you and your DDs.

*Sorry, meant to put, don't even honour her crap email with a response. Delete. Then delete from deleted file, so you aren't tempted to look at it again.

*Sorry, me again!

How could she put nice furniture, over her daughter and grand-daughters' emotional well-being?

Well I've got through another day without replying!

You are all right, she needs to validate her own choices. Which frankly were shit! I have struggled for years to be a good parent because I haven't had that instilled in me from her. I've had to feel my way and figure it out. And I've made some mistakes along the way. But nothing on the scale she did.

Somehow I've taught myself to be a nice person too. Someone asked me if I have friends? I do, so many of them that sometimes I struggle to have time for them all! I'm utterly blessed in that way, I've tried hard to learn how to be a good friend (she didn't and still doesn't have any friends) and I think I do a good job. It's important to me that my DDs see me being kind to others and having kind friends. I've lost a few recently, it's funny how divorce affects some people! But the others are there for me and my DDs in a way my mother never has been.

What annoys me about the furniture thing (and apologies if I've already said this), she has a lot of money. She could easily afford to loan me money for furniture or decor, if that was the issue. But no she wants ME to suffer

I wouldn't ask anyhow. I never ever have asked her for anything.

For goodness sake, don't for one moment allow her to make you doubt yourself. This is a woman who made utterly appalling choices in relation to your stepfather and clearly is closing her mind to what you went through with your ex. Her opinions are worth precisely nothing - if anything, the very fact that someone like that thinks you should take your ex back is pretty conclusive evidence that you absolutely shouldn't.

It is perfectly possible to be single and have amazing furniture. Even if, as an emotionally literate being post break up, furniture is not your immediate priority.

I'd rather have tatty second hand furniture than be in an EA relationship. At least the furniture would be mine and I could use it however way I wanted it.

Nice furniture is not the be all and end all of the world. Love and support on the other hand is invaluable.

Oh god, you'd never hear the last of it if you asked her to help you and her grand children out. It would be listed and exaggerated and embellished on the next horrible email she sent. According to my mother, everything positive in my life is thanks to her. My job, "finding a husband", buying a house, all attributed to them. No point in engaging with someone who re-writes history. Far too pointless and frustrating. My most recent email from her told me to "stop behaving like a teenager", because I've chosen not to engage with their childish crap.

Sorry if I'm sharing too much, but what you've written really resonates. My mother has no friends either, (she looks down on everyone and thinks they're jealous of her). Also, my 2 sisters and I never had children, too shit scared of doing it wrong. So bless you love. You're braver than I ever was. And courageous enough to do it the right way. Your daughters are lucky to have you as a mum.

I actually don't give a damn about furniture. I've realised my last post makes me sound a bit grabby.

You didnt sound grabby. Its a valid point that your mother could help, she just doesnt want too.

I couldn't read this and not reply….
Toast, I think you are amazing and brave. Good for you and good for your DDs that you are now out of that abusive relationship…and you are doing the best thing for yourselves. I hope you have friends who can support you, and you clearly don't need your mother. You have all of us here. Keep doing what you are doing…and I am sure that when you are ready, you will meet a wonderful man, who will let you sleep with the light on, and respect your body and your mind, and love your DDs too. Good luck xxx

I don't think it came across as grabby Toast. Not one bit. People like your mother can be very good at conditioning guilt.

If she was that concerned about "not naice" furniture, she could well have offered to help. But instead used it as a point of criticism. You've already said you don't give a crap about furniture over an abusive EX.

Actually, saying about the furniture and pretty much the rest of that email shows that she doesnt actually know you at all.

Op, no one thinks you're grabby, far from it. I think the point people are making is that your mum thinks it's more important than your well-being and happiness.

I still haven't replied, can definitely feel it hanging over me now. I'm guessing she will prompt for a reply tomorrow. I'm also guessing she will go up a level with what she's saying.

How bizarre to be terrified of the one person I should be able to count on.

Please don't let this cloud of dread ruin your life. You don't need to be her punching ball any more, You can stop it with one sentence. You have been brain washed into believing that you must obey her wishes. that you must appease, & make platitudes & excuses for her.
But NO, put her in the same basket as your crap stbxh, & say NO MORE.
"leave me alone, its my life, I will do what I like, & this includes primarily removing all the toxic people in my life."

I had this a few months ago. I decided not to reply to an email from my TM (Toxic Mother). But then, I was disturbed by the not replying and felt I had to say something. It didn't feel comfortable to leave it unanswered Spent ages trying to write a suitable email, sent it off, telling myself I had done my best and not to worry about what I might get back. But then I got a far worse reply back, which was very upsetting and wished I'd stuck to just not replying in the first place! Damned if you do, damned if you don't with people like this I'm afraid.

One thing is for sure though, they will not learn anything from what you say, it will not change their behaviour, you cannot make someone see the error of their ways, you cannot get them to understand, your words will not have a 'good' effect, by writing you are not likely to achieve anything in regards to that person's behaviour. So. The only things you can do must be for your own benefit. If it helps you to send something or to ignore.. that needs to be the question.

If you block her entirely though, you will not know what her response is, you take yourself out of the firing line. She is firing it at you, but you are not getting hit by it IYSWIM.

mix56

You could also do this although very passive aggressive

delete your email account and set up another one.....

One where she will not ever know.

Break free.

OR…you could do as Phoenix0x0 suggests above, but email your M first to say that you do not wish to receive emails like this and are therefore terminating your email account. So there is no ambiguity.

In my situation there has been too much ambiguity, so my TM makes an approach every so often, having convinced herself, and sometimes other family members, that she has no idea why things are as they are. I should have told her years ago so things were clear, as she is very good at convincing herself that her daughter is ruining her old age, and she doesn't know why. I wish I had finished the job properly.

I'm guessing she will prompt for a reply tomorrow. I'm also guessing she will go up a level with what she's saying

I don't doubt it, but here's the point - this is actually much more about her than you. Somehow she hopes that trashing you will validate her own appalling choices and enable her to change the record of what's been

Don't get drawn into it ...

Unfortunately I can't change my email address as its my work one that she contacts me on. But yes if I reply she will no doubt up the ante.

She won't ever "get it", all I want is just her to leave me alone if she can't be nice.

I'm sure actually you could be assigned a new work email if you needed to. Bit of a pain for everyone who has you in their address book already, though.

This kind of correspondence shouldn't be going to your work account - your employer has the right to look at it.

However, since it is a work account presumably you can also set up a rule that archives her emails unread, deletes them or forwards them to a sympathetic friend?