Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Yeah, please dont reply. You'll just be opening yourself to more bile from her. Cut off her avenues.

Don't kid yourself, Toast - the mis-spelled name may well not be an accident

Totally agree with those saying to completely ignore her and block messages; this really can't ever do you any good at all

Oh, and stand by for the sudden mystery illness she'd just discovered ...

She will probably play the cancer card next. Thinking about it that's when Her behaviour got worse. She was diagnosed in December but waited till after her surgery to tell me (in Starbucks, in full detail, in front of my DDs). Whatever I did after that wasn't enough, I phoned, offered to take her to chemo etc. she even made me tell my brother (at my DDs birthday party) as she didn't want to make him cry.....

I really don't want her turning up on my doorstep. She is the type to make a fuss. She lost her temper with me once years ago in front of DDs and called me an utter fucking bitch and how she pitied DH being married to me. My DDs still remember how scary she was :(

You poor love. And she's got the martyr card (I'm ill!) to lay on the table at any time. Don't be guilted by it. She didn't show care for you when you were a vulnerable child. If I were you, I'd be tempted to say to her; "You got sick, your responsiblity to deal with it."

I really don't want her turning up on my doorstep. She is the type to make a fuss.

If she did do that, ring the police and have them remove her.

Toast, look at your reflection and tell your, "No more bullshit" and really mean it.

If she isn't told concisely that the game is over, she will keep on, she hasn't got any friends , it's a pastime for her.
She needs to be told you aren't playing any more, or at any further date. & you are not replying in future
THEN go NC, & mean it.

How about - No I'm not free for a 'chat'. I have blocked your emails, so will not be reading any more of your opinions. Just leave it now.

Do nothing.

this is the tough bit. do not answer, do not rise to it - she has sent this as a Call to Action, and this is a trap.

You were expecting her to nudge you, threatening to come around is her nudge that she doesn't want to be ignored. it's either her hoovering, she'll come around and be all nicey-nicey and never mention her email again, knowing you will be too frightened to do so, or her goading you further. Either way you can't win, so don't even agree to play.

If she turns up, refuse to answer the door.

If she kicks off, call the police. Seriously.

My DM moved house without giving me any details (this being the last straw, she'd left me out to dry with my abusive ex, having actively sought to keep me in that abuse but not as badly and overtly as yours) She contacted me 10 days after her move as if nothing had happened and i emailed her with my bewilderment at how she can have treated me like that. I got a ranty, well we were never THAT close/in each other's pockets/gradually drifted (yeah dropping me like a sack of shit when my world fell apart'll do that )

I told her I needed time and space to process my hurt. She started calling me once a week on the same day, same time almost to the minute I let all the calls (weeks and weeks of them) go to voicemail. her messages were bright, breezy, as if nothing was wrong, that there were no issues and secure in the knowledge that eventually I would STFU about it.

I didn't bend. I didn't answer any of her calls. Eventually she and her vile H turned up at my door, uninvited and armed with enormous gift for DS (manipulative.... he answered the door)

They started the hoovering process again, I called them on it, saying that we had not resolved why they moved and didn't tell me where etc. Her H started shoving DS up the stairs, I told the H not to, he didn't and I told him to go, for them BOTH to go. they refused, I had to call the police. During the melee, i was told to 'Do what I was told' I pointed out that at over 40 years of age, I would NOT be 'doing what I was told'

The buggers actually sat their arses down and WAITED for the police to come and make me see sense

Eventually they left, being told NEVER to return/contact me. I gave them ONE chance last spring, she blew that again, no mention, no apology, no recognition of their abysmal behaviour and a general bulldozing to get back into my life. I refused.

None of this stuff is easy to work through, it hurts like nothing else in the world, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. you have to be strong, you will feel scared, you will feel like you are making a fuss over nothing, but my lovely OP, you are NOT making a fuss over nothing, this woman failed you catastrophically.

I would send her back an official email saying.
The email could not be delivered because of an unknown error. And repeat.

That way you don't have to engage.

You can set up a filter. Filter your phone as well, so it doesn't recieve texts, calls or emails. Put her on your black list.

I'm sorry your DM has problems, they are not yours.

You don't have to split from her and your EA X on your own. Please contact womens aid for a lovely chat and arrange some free one to one counselling. It really will help you move forward into the wonderful future you and your girls deserve. There are people there who have survived what you're going through, and have come out the other side of the tunnel into a new country.

Stay strong star girl.

That said, I think there IS potentially a small point in perhaps emailing ONE time to tell her that you don't want any contact.

I had to send my mother one that was along the lines of 'For the sake of clarity, and for any required future legal processes I am forced to take if you do not comply with my request, I am informing you that I do not wish any further contact with you, directly or indirectly. Do not contact me again.'

My x fil played the cancer card about six years ago. he was dying, apparently. I had to talk to him before he died. He is still alive and kicking.

My god HIssy

Thati s what they do. They do dreadful things, selfish, cruel, ridiculous, unreasonable things, and then bulldoze forward as though they are in a different play with different lines. It takes real concentration to think back on what just happened and react in the appropriate way, not the way they act. It's like they ACT normal and their acting normal is so powerful.

Hissy for you too love. You are a very strong and lovely lady. Hugs to you and well done x

It never ends :(

I really truly dislike her. Now had another email going on about how I will have nothing and he won't bother supporting us when he has a new family. Saying how I need to stop being silly because I need her.

You don't need her. She's just another millstone around your neck :( it's time to cut out all the rot from your life and enjoy your gorgeous dds.

You do not get anything from her. Prove what she says is rubbish. Time for NC.

Toast what's your current view on blocking her completely? I don't mean just not answering as she's clearly not going to stop - I mean totally removing her words and influence?

Oh good - I'm glad she broke cover when you didn't reply to her first, apparently benign, email earlier. That was designed to reel you back in so she could deliver this sucker punch in person. When you didn't respond her bile rose and she acted out.

If you're using a hotmail address for work I don't think anyone would be very surprised if you changed it for something else (I don't think they're actually meant for commercial use are they? Not that it really matters). I'd get yourself over to outlook.com or even buy a domain, which can be done quite cheaply.

Can you mark the emails from her as read? (You can do this when setting up a Gmail rule so I'm assuming Hotmail is similar). That way you would be less tempted to look in the Headfuckery folder to see what's she sent. But ultimately I think you need to block her.

If she makes a fuss in front of your DDs your instinct will be to try to defuse the situation for their sake but you honestly must not. If they have another bad memory of grandma - well, so be it. She's a toxic presence in their life anyway and if that's what it takes to get her out of it, it's worth it.

oooh she really is getting desperate now isnt she - unravelling because you havent replied!!

I think she has shown herself to be quite dispensible - you dont need help like hers.

And as for 'having nothing' and that you ex will stop supporting you - you have looked through the figures and its all perfectly doable, and its not really up to the ex to decide to stop supporting you, unless he wants to be dragged off to court (and face the embarrament to his social standing) for going against a court order.

She really is a spiteful evil twatfaced cow

You need her... for what? Is she paying your rent? (Rhetorical question as I know the answer.)

I'm not sure what she thinks I need her for exactly? Moral guidance? Emotional support? Practical help?

She needs you to need her. She clearly gets some kind of catharsis from stamping on your soul over and over again.

The position we occupy in their lives is to garner them sympathy, credit for being tirelessly supportive - when the opposite is true.

I could bore you forever about how she ignored me for weeks at a time when I was in the very pits of hell abroad (nettletea knows she'll tell you) yet imagine my horror whe I bumped into a friend who knew pretty much every crappy thing I'd had happen to me, when my own mother had never reacted or supported or sympathised about anything, miscarriages, Being hit, trapped and isolated for months at a time. My mother had told her everything but never once asked me if I was ok etc. the cream on the top was that she'd told everyone how she'd gone to aforementioned godforsaken hell hole to "come and bring me back home/rescue me"

She came on a holiday for 10 days and went back, witnessing a fight but still telling me how ex loved me and I ought to work at it.

When I split with him, I thought the abject lack of support was to be expected, he was abusive after all
, good riddance right? until my friends (and mumsnet) all gave me such massive Hugs and support. It really freaked me out. I'd never had people bother to care I was ok before.

It'll be 2 years this summer since she moved and a year since I gave her a chance (ds was in hospital for a couple of weeks after an accident) it doesn't hurt anymore, e police incident helped tbh. Ds said at the time that he hoped she'd die, he was so frightened by them both

All this blah to show you that you can get through the this, your mother has failed you far worse than mine failed me, maybe mine was cleverer, more sneaky/low level.

What I'd love to know is why do people not Ask these godawful people wtf were they thinking, rather than keep asking us why We won't give them another chance, or just stfu and get over ourselves?

Oh Hissy :( I totally understand about being shocked by support from others. I've had more support from near strangers than my own mother!

It's a drain, a total leeching of my energy and positivity. I feel like I've been set up to fail now. This isn't what mothers should do.

Move on, please stop dwelling on this, Most mothers are not like her but sadly you drew the short straw. However most mothers make mistakes, not many are "fairy godmothers", that is all fantasy.
She was one of the worst. You however, are coming out from a life time of abuse, please draw strength from the knowledge that it will get better & better. Believe in yourself,
Knock her toxic negativity on the head..You did it for your XH, just walk away.

God what a bitch! You are amazing. You have managed to re write her parenting and build a good life. Yes things are still settling but you are setting such an amazing example to your girls.