Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Seconded. You've actually put a stop to the tidal wave of shit flowing down the generations. Bloody bravo, I say

Toxic relations - here! Sometimes you need to say your piece imo. My lot have been treated to some choice words on occasion and oh! it feels GOOD.

Imo it is irrelevant how they hear it, it's just so good to say it. Especially if you've had a lifetime of being cowed and silent. Here!

This is your show now, you can do what you like. Tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck if you like - you will practically HEAR the chains falling off and clattering to the floor.

Or, if you dont feel ready to do that, 'speak' to her in statements: no emotion. 'I am choosing to leave my abusive husband to protect my daughters and myself [this reference may be lost on her but make it clear anyway]. Your opinions are therefore inappropriate and irrelevant. Future correspondence on this subject won't be read'

Don't read them! You know shit cascades out of her mouth so there's no point listening to it.

Have you had any therapy? Please do. You need it with a mother like this.

Oh she didn't stay with my stepdad. He left her. After he had an affair for ten years that she chose to ignore.

I feel sick this morning. I hate that she's yanked me back into self doubt about all of this. I just have to tell myself that my DDs ARE better. I know they are. I've spoken to their schools and I can see the difference in them. They don't ask for him, they don't miss him. They won't give a damn about furniture, they aren't materialistic. I'm not materialistic. I'm not her.

Don't think about her. You do what feels appropriate. for me, that would be one very short cut off email, then NOTHING.
No contact.... her emails will bounce back, her calls won't be replied. At some point she will write or show up on the door step, spread gossip...But you will tell her to just "fuck off". 2 perfect words for this situation.
In the mean time, enjoy what you have achieved, believe that you don't need her approval or the sad manipulative XH. Know that every single person here is 100% saying you are strong, you are courageous, you have beaten a life time of nasty controlling people. The future is yours, you have SAVED your DD's. Go & do something lovely with your girls, love them, love yourself.
Stop letting her hurt you. Just look forward, don't look back.

...I'm not her...

Indeed you're not.

I hate that she's yanked me back into self doubt about all of this

That's why you need to not read these emails. If you don't want to delete them entirely, can you forward them unread (set up a rule if you use Gmail or similar) to a friend, who can review them first?

I think you're right that this is aimed at manipulating you into agreeing to a cosy family lunch for your birthday - you absolutely must not agree to that, not least because of the message it sends to the children.

Responding to the email will not get the outcome you want - to end the conversation. Leaving it hanging, whilst it makes you uncomfortable, is actually better because now she's on the back foot waiting for you to react. She doesn't know what you're going to do either.

You've had self doubt because you've not fully opened up to your emotions to reevaluate because you are protection yourself.

I'm afraid the only way to deal with that I've found is to allow yourself to open up again and to logic things through.

That way you'll have the conviction once again that you're doing the right thing and those self doubts will reduce.

I'm not saying it'll be anything other than painful but it's the rip the plaster off method. Rather than the slow tear that you have time to feel every mm of.

when she only says these things because she cares

But following her OWN logic - she thinks a parent should 'stop putting the children first and concentrate on him.' so why is she suddenly all about 'caring' about you when she is telling you to do the above? She stopped putting you [and by default, your kids] first years ago.

She really does not deserve you as a daughter. Nor your kids as grandchildren.

I really think you should respond with your first instincts. And NO cosy lunches!

Or 'don't be a cunt all your life mother'.

So even sacrificing her own children's childhood on the altar of marriage didn't work... Armchair psychologist's hat on, do you think she has this sneaking (and totally wrong) feeling that if she'd only worked just that little bit harder she'd have kept the selfish fucker happy enough not to have left, so now she's trying to re-live her own story with a happier (from her POV) ending by making you try harder? One could almost feel a little sorry for her. Almost.

I remember vividly the drive home from hospital after I took an overdose and had my stomach pumped. I was 12 years old. She was furious with me for being attention seeking. Truthfully I was terrified because she had told me she was going to get remarried and he scared me. It was only two years after my dad had died and I missed him dreadfully. I realised then that I had nobody to look after me. At 12 years old. I look at my now 13 year old and can't imagine ever treating her that badly. She's still a baby.

Sorry, that was somewhat off topic but I'm being bombarded in my head with images at the moment. And all I want is things to be ok. This is how I kept going through 20 years of unhappiness in my marriage, by trying to make things ok for everyone else.

:( oh toast. I want to give 12 year old you an enormous hug and tell her I'm really glad she didn't die, because she's going to be the most amazing mother. That there will be some bloody hard times ahead, but that she will escape and make a wonderful life for her and her dds.

Your mother is no mother at all :( she doesn't deserve a moment of your time. You are worth a thousand of her.

OK, reading your last post, scrub what I said. I cannot feel sorry for that cold, self-centred woman in any way, shape or form, not even almost. Just never. And she wants you to treat your own daughters the same way, just so she can keep a husband substitute son-in-law. Awful, just awful.

Fortunately you are making a happier life for your girls. Sometimes you can't make everybody happy; you have to make choices. For most of us, the first priority is the dependent and deserving, ie, our children. After that your immediate family - spouse, parents, siblings in more or less that order - and close friends, bearing in mind that most of these are adults and can for the most part meet their own needs. When the choices made by one is directly inimical to others, eg your spouse or parent is making your children very unhappy, they drop down or even off the list. You haven't failed when that happens. You can't run everybody's life for them however hard you work at it, however reasonable, tactful, emotionally intelligent you are. Some people just won't play ball and you can't make them. The best you can do is clear them off the pitch.

After she fitted the lock on my bedroom door to keep my stepdad out, she told me I was responsible for keeping him out. Because "men just can't themselves". I used to hear him trying the door handle at night so I stopped sleeping. I was terrified of everything, that there would be a fire and nobody would get to me. I skipped school and slept in the day, getting further and further behind yet nobody noticed. I failed miserably at school, after being a top student for years.

I was 18 when I moved in with STBEH He insisted on total darkness to sleep. It terrified me. He knew why but I was selfish for wanting a small light on.

I can't explain the utter relief that I can now sleep with a small light on. And that I'm safe. Nobody can grope me in the middle of the night (as he sometimes did) or make me do anything I don't want to. My DDs can crawl in bed with me without him shouting at them.

Toast, god love you pet, just reading this in horror, about you having your stomach pumped at 12 and your mum being cross with you. I have a 12 year old. I left an abusive man and it was tough financially but I've never regretted it and nearly a decade on we're all happy and a man who could have been a toxic negative influence has been a peripheral influence. I really really benefited from psychotherapy. Treat yourself to psychotherapy. It makes you feel ok about being strong and saying no to people. Your daughters have you. They will be OK. You didn't have a 'you' unfortunately. You only had your mum, so you really deserve to have psychotherapy.

Sadly, this is not the mother you need in your life.

i recall her single parenting was filled with such despair, and her remarriage involved her being a doormat just to keep a man. Between her example and your life, you are better prepared than she was to stand on your own two feet and make your own life.

If she cant be bothered to even see her gdd's, then it sounds like you are well on your way to non-contact. Stop bothering to read anything she sends. Call her once a week to check up. If she continues talking at you about needing a man, any man, go no contact. You dont need her hangups, stemming from her childhood inserted into your life choices, or your daughters.

I'm so very sorry for that poor child you were. What a dreadful, dreadful way to grow up.

You're absolutely amazing to have broken the chain for you and your DDs.

I'd ignore her email and cease contact entirely. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. Quite the opposite.

I am almostspeechless, please don't, not even for a heart beat, feel you own this female anything. She failed you, she has failed you all through your life.
Go no contact today, Nothing good will come of trying to please her.

I don't really have anything useful to add, everyone has said what I have been feeling reading your posts.

I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you, the young you for all the horrible things you were put through and the older you who was, and is being treated so badly by the people that were supposed to love and protect you.

I hope you will continue to go from strength to strength. You have done an enormously brave thing for you and your DDs. You have rid yourself of the vile man and protected them from harm. Your DDs will always know that you put them first, that you protected them and that they were your first priority.

I hope your Mother will eventually leave you alone. You do not deserve any of the things she is saying.

I wish you and your DDs a lovely happy future free from all the toxic people you have endured.

Vote of support for you here.
Do not engage with her.
Put all her emails into a separate folder, you never know when evidence of her colluding with ex/delusions/toxicity if she is true to form, may be useful.
Have the amount of contact YOU want to have. You owe her fuck all.
I am on your behalf and this would be the final straw for me.
Keep posting as and when you need to...there will be an abundance of support for you here.
Make your own plans for your birthday now, book something if possible, plans that only include you and dds.
You have the rest of your life to look forward to and you deserve so much better.

Give yourself permission to go NC with her. You will not abe a 'bad' person because you don't have a relationship with her.

Break those chains and set yourself free.

Toast, I think you are very brave and admire that.

You could have been just like her, but no, you have made a concious decision to not be like her. Your DD's are very lucky to have a strong woman like you are their role model.

Dont doubt your hard work with yourself and your DD's on one shitty, non important email. Delete it and move on.

Toast - you are so brave, (hugs) your mother sounds evil absolutely evil. I agree with the others that going no-contact would be good idea, I think phone caller ID is free from landline providers these days and if you have an apple mobile phone it's very easy to 'block' callers.

I've been NC with my father for 20 years and min contact with my mother and min contact is actually a lot harder than NC. The stately homes thread I find to be a great help.

Also I found a couple of books really helped me when I when NC with my father. Woman in your own right
Healing the inner child
and of course Toxic Parents

Continue to be strong for your lovely daughters, you are worth so much more than the crap you've been dealt from both your mother and ex-partner.

jesus toast

I am so so sorry for the 12 year old you were and for the person you are now. Those memories are so hard to live with. I wish I could offer you a hug, if you'd feel cmfortable with that.

Do not let her get her hand around your ankle and drag you back down. You have done and achieved so much. Keep looking forward and at your daughters, not backwards at this life-sapping wreck of a woman who's trying to take you down with her.

all strength to you.

Massive well done for breaking the cycle of abuse and giving your children a better life and a better role model than you had.

All your mum's email says to me is that she's scared and weak. It must be terrifying to her that you've done what she could never do - be happy and free with just you and your children. In her head if you go back to the abuser it justifies her own terrible choices, whereas if you go on and be happy on your own and/or meet a lovely stepfather for your kids, she'll have no choice but to face up to the fact that she was wrong all along.

You've achieved the incredibly courageous step of breaking free from one emotional abuser, now you need to beak free from the other.

Oh hey, toast. I remember your previous thread. It's good to hear that you're still being strong, despite your mother's best efforts to bring you down.

My vote is to ignore her. Responding, no matter what you say, will only feed into her sick mindset. Just look at it as her emotional vomit. Vomit that you don't have to clean up after.