Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Everything, everything that comes from her is what she feared for herself. They are to justify her won bad choices.

own

I would respond. I couldnt not.

"It appears that we have different priorities:- me, children. You, emotionally and physically abusive men. I cannot allow my DDs to be exposed to your opinions and all contact between you and us has now ended"

No-one said that not responding was easy, Think - just that the OP shouldn't do it for the reasons already stated upthread.

Toast

Just thinking of possible eventualities. I don't recall seeing how old your DDs are but it would do no harm to clarify with their school on Monday the arrangements for pickup etc.

I'm thinking of
"Apologies for the delay in replying. I thought at first it was some kind of joke, albeit a misguided one. But apparently you actually meant what you said.

What an utterly deluded full of shit email to send me. I won't be taking your advice because frankly it sucks. Please don't try and justify your bad parenting by trying to influence mine.
I've given you lots of chances to be a good mother and grandmother, you've chosen not to take them. Please don't contact me or my daughters again. Whether you choose to continue a relationship with my soon to be ex husband is entirely up to you."

Hahaha my mother has never picked them up from school, she doesn't even know where their schools are. Last time we had lunch with her she managed three hours without speaking to any of them.

Maybe do it just the same?

My youngest is 8 her school already know only to release her to me or a named friend (did that when he moved out). Other two are at senior school and she wouldn't even know what school/year.

If the school are already alert to issues, then fine. As I said, I was just thinking of eventualities and remembering that any problems would have nothing to do with them (she may not even like them) and everything to do with you. Yanking your chain.

The thing is she's marked her card with them too. She sees them so rarely and has no interest in them. And now they are old enough to know that.

She likes bragging about them to her friends, thats all.

She will be hassling me about all this, I know, because it's my birthday in a few weeks and she wanted us all to go for lunch (including STBEH) which I didn't want. She wanted all the family together

Even though that email expresses how you feel, and is really valid, what I'm worried about if you send that email is that you will get sucked back in if she retaliates (and she will), because you are still angry.

I think ignore, ignore, ignore until your 've got used to not having any contact, and then when you are ready, send a NC one. Don't let her suck you in.

Yes you're right. She will retaliate and in a way that is designed to hurt me. That's the way she works, I can see that now. So ignoring is the best thing to do, it's just making me feel ill not knowing what will happen next.

... it's just making me feel ill not knowing what will happen next...

I think that that's your training speaking? See - just sending that email to you (and you reading it) has put you on the back foot already?

'Oh fuck off you abuser-pleasing loser. I'm a better mother than you ever were, and that's good enough for me.'

I think fantasticbuttocks has written a brilliant reply.

I VERY STRONGLY disagree that you should ignore the email. Let your voice be heard (even if your mother doesn't listen). I urge you to reply to her in some way, pointing out that you will not be repeating the mistakes she made and will not settle for the same sort of dysfunctional marriage that she had. You are thrilled to be single, your dds are thriving.

Leave no evidence of you have to confront.

Phone her up and bollock her on the phone then deny all knowledge if she says you did it. People wouldn't ever expect it from you, so if you gaslight the shit out of her, she'll end up almost doubting herself! ??

Otherwise do nothing. Don't answer her calls, change the number if poss, and set up a new email and migrate everything important onto it.

Please don't have anything to do with her again. If she turns up, call the police and have her removed.

Reply or not to reply is a double edged sword!

you reply, tell her to leave you the fuck alone which can also be used legally in court when it comes to harassment etc

This however leaves proof so that she can go around and tell everyone how awful you are to your mother and you end up the villain ... Again

Or you don't stoop to her level and don't give her the satisfaction of the fight that she is so desperate to provoke.

The middle way is to email a short "don't contact me in any way shape or form again"

Rising above it is so much easier said than done.

Why not write a letter so you express how you feel but burn it?

She rarely calls me so I don't think she will do that. At the moment the only contact is a few emails a week. Mainly about her. She would never ask after my DDs.

I'm guessing she probably thinks I am going to take her advice and is feeling pleased with herself that I'm doing what's expectsd of me.

What a shame I can't divorce her as well as him.

It is my bad experience that cutting off contact without saying anything about it leaves a door open in a way, or at least leaves things ambiguous. If you have actually said what you want or don't want, and then you cut contact, there is no need for further questioning or confusion and you do it, then close the door firmly by blocking email and phone etc. So you never read any response to your 'cutting-off' email.

I have never been brave enough, so every few years the whole thing rears its ugly head though other relatives etc. Wish I'd been more direct and firm in the first place.

What a shame I can't divorce her as well as him
You absolutely can though.

I can't disagree enough with advice of what to respond to her. Just don't.
If you don't reply you give her nowhere to go. There's nothing she can berate you with.

I've a mother like yours and have had to go virtually NC for my own sanity.
She would pick over every word I wrote to her and use every possible thing against me, so I deny her that opportunity to do that.

She knows absolutely nothing about me as an adult or my life, because she never asks. I did used to try and engage her in two way conversation, but she only ever spoke over me and ignored what I said. Since I stopped saying anything about my life she hasn't noticed at all. It's quite incredible really, but there it is.

Toast I admire you for seizing the day and for breaking that cycle. Good luck to you and your DDs, life is going to be amazing because you will have the important things that really count

I understand totally - mine told me I could not leave the tosser because I was too old to build another life
No contact is the only way however hard - painful at first but the pain wears off and you come out much happier on the other side.

...What a shame I can't divorce her as well as him...

As Enrique said - you can!

Toastandstrawberryjam
You are amazing.

How about.

You may have decided to stay with your emotionally, sexually and physically abusive husband, but I am not you.

As you have made it clear that you can not support this, me or my dds, I am calling time on our relationship.

All contact from you will be unread, deleted and there will be no further reply.