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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feelings after visit from x

104 replies

fairyfly · 29/04/2004 15:53

I feel so down and lost. My x has just turned up after two months, he looks great, doing well at uni, work experience for a paper, and madly in love with his girlfriend. You can tell how happy he is. I am just not and i really resent him. I am stuck in a rut, have no idea where my life is taking me, have no money and no freedom. Apparently he is going to loads of parties this weekend, i can't even afford a babysitter. I feel that all my life is and has been since he left is the kids and making sure they felt stable. I am scared to death of feeling alone and struggling with all the responsibility. I know it is time to forgive him because i can't hold this hate and pain for him much longer, it doesn't effect him and just is turning me bitter. I want to know what happened to me, where i have gone, while he is laying the foundations for his happy life. I couldn't even look at him in the eye because i new as soon as i saw him i still love him. I also feel very ashamed of that, how can i love someone that has no feelings for me. It is coming up to a year now and i don't feel i have ever moved on from the pain he has caused. I still want to ask him what the hell happened. Why wasn't i good enough for him. I can't imagine how things will work out am i always going to feel upset when i see him. It still makes me feel ill that he is hugging the kids and then going off to sleep with someone else. It doesn't help that i fancy the pants off him. When will i start having good times again, i am tired of being strong and only having myself to rely on. This sounds so needy and pathetic, but i really want someone to take care of me for a while.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 29/04/2004 16:01

FF darling, back away from this for a moment and get a little bit of perspective. You've said yourself that he is doing VOLUNTARY work for the paper. He says he's doing well at uni - does anyone else? This is the *rse who sent you bewildering texts the other day which showed how much he is messing around the girlfriend he is apparently 'madly in love with'.

You love him because we don't just switch off love. For some of us it is a long, hard slog to relinquish that love and move on. And it's horrible, and I wish I could say something to make the pain go away but I can't. You aren't being needy and pathetic, you are in pain...but you HAVE come such a long way, sweetheart.

You're so lovely. You are sustaining your gorgeous children, the one he's being an *rse towards. I really value having you here. I bet lots of other people do too.

HUGS.

tammybear · 29/04/2004 16:04

Aww fairyfly. I know how you feel about your ex. When I was with someone years ago, he left me with no explanation or anything, and left me absolutely heartbroken. I was so in love with him. It was the most hardest thing to do, trying to get over him, but I think it made worse that I didnt know why he left me. Maybe if you knew the answers to your unanswered questions, it would help you find a way of getting over him. I dont know.

But I also know how you feel about resenting him so much for the reasons you gave as I resent them to about my ex, whos dd's father. But I try to see the positive side of things, like my dd.

I dont think Ive helped much, but I guess I just wanted to say I know what you're going through so you're not alone in the world.

lars · 29/04/2004 16:06

Fairyfly, sorry to hear you feel so down and sad about your life. It seems to me that what you need is some time for yourself to make a life.
I suggest perhaps he has the kids one weekend and give you time to go out and meet new friends.
You could try gingerbread people in same situation as yourself. Also I don't know about your career path and interests and how old your kids are, but have you thought of college, not only would you meet people but it could help with a new career.
You haven't move on and that's why you feel low you need to take action and try to resolve this and in turn you will feel much better and gain confidence within yourself again. Hope this helps but you can change things for the better. As for your X of course you will feel this way as you haven't let go yet. Things have changed, as they say as one doors closes another one opens and in time your pain will heal larsxx

spacemonkey · 29/04/2004 16:06

I don't even know where to start except to say I think you're a very strong, brave and honest woman. I don't know what it feels like to be in your situation, but it must be very, very painful to still love someone who has left you and your children and is treating you like this. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, you should be proud that you have the capacity for that love. You are too good for him. You wouldn't have treated him badly as he is treating you - that makes you a stronger and better person than he is!

I don't think he really is as happy as he maybe appears - if he was happy he wouldn't be trying to make your life difficult.

You will have good times again, it just takes time XXXXX

Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 16:10

Thanks mother inferior your post has just opened up the flood gates, a really sweet message, you are lovely too, i hope you know that.
Tammy, i would never ask now, it would be too damaging to hear. None of it will ever make any sense, words will mean nothing to me, it was a connection we had, that he lost i suppose.
I still feel it when i see him, he has replaced his with someone else.
I do need to get some perspective, bollocks, he still has the power to turn me into a dribbling mess.

OP posts:
Janstar · 29/04/2004 16:10

Motherinferior has said it all. I don't think you are in love with him at all. You are in love with a fantasy version of him who is kind and loving to you.

That person doesn't exist, but there are good men out there who very much do, and you won't even noticed them while you are carrying a torch for this t**r.

I hate these times when I want to give people a hug and they are so far away. If you were nearby I would grab you and fill you up with wine and pizza and play some great music and make you laugh so you could forget all about him and remember yourself.

Lots of love xxx

lars · 29/04/2004 16:17

Just wanted to add fairyfly, yes I was married many years ago to my x who was a complete utter arxx. It does take time and you know you deserve better. I am remarried and don't regret it for one moment. Move on {{{{{ a big hug {}}}}}}}}
larsxx

Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 16:22

Thanks everyone, i suppose i obviously find it difficult to fall out of love, it seems i have to hate him to feel better but i don't have the energy for that anymore. One door has closed and i really want the new one to open now, it's just i have to open it and i don't feel confident enough to make a decision about anything.
You are right about it being a fantasy in my head and i need to let go of the past, i am constantly trying but it always sneaks back.
I would love pizza and wine janstar, one day .

I did manage to ask him if he had joined the student society of camp dressing.

OP posts:
maomao · 29/04/2004 16:23

fairyfly,

The thing is, you're TOO good for him. And you're a fabulous mum --- you are the anchor for your family, which is a lot of responsibility! You are so brave, and so kindhearted. Don't ever forget that. You deserve far better than the likes of someone who is just playing games with your emotions.

Bugsy2 · 29/04/2004 16:25

fairyfly, feel for you. You have sounded so up beat recently. I'm sorry his visit has upset you so much.
I do understand alot of what you are feeling. I constantly feel trapped. My H can do exactly what he pleases, when he pleases and sees the children when it suits him. I am now a single, working mother of two with no freedom and a very tight budget - so I know where you are coming from. IT IS SO UNFAIR. Fortunately, I no longer love or fancy my H, so my heart doesn't hurt anymore.
Whopping great huge hugs.

AlanP · 29/04/2004 16:29

FF - and you beleive him!
You know how we men exagerate EVERYTHING!

Blu · 29/04/2004 16:30

FairyFly, I am imagining you as the pack of fabulous children's 'Snap' cards that I was playing with with DS this a.m. They are so beautiful that it is a pleasure to turn them over, even if you don't win. You still have a full hand of cards, and every one is beautiful. You just aren't ready to play them all yet, but you are takking care of them.

I am now too horrified by my own cheesiness to say more....but that is how I thought of you when I read your sad and brave post.

motherinferior · 29/04/2004 16:31

Way to go, FF, re the camp dressing!

xxxxxx

Blu · 29/04/2004 16:32

Think AlanP has a point - and he is the king of fantasy isn't he (your x I mean, can't speak for AlanP)?

Easy · 29/04/2004 16:39

FF
Years ago I was very much in love with a man who hurt me, and let me down lots of times.

He finally went off with a friend of ours (he'd made sure she was okay when her husband left her, went on from there, stupid me). Despite the hurt he'd caused me, I kept in contact with him, cried after every time we'd spoken on the phone, all that.

My mother's friend told me he'd married this women. It hurt that he didn't tell me himself.
I thought I'd moved on, I thought I was over him. two years later he turned up out of the blue, to tell me they were expecting a baby. When he looked me in the eyes, I felt like all my breath had been taken away. I would have rolled over and died for him then, even after all he'd done to me.

Love isn't rational or logical. You might always love him, or your memory of him as he and you were. But it will get easier, and one day it'll get easier. I thought I was condemned to be lonely, but then I met and married a sweet, caring and (mainly) dependable man who loves me as I deserve. You will too, I promise.

Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 16:40

Yes he is a T@ss@r, i just don't see why he should get all the breaks, company everynight and nothing in my opinion to worry about. I still can't believe either i cry about this.
Mumsnetters do help bring you back down to earth and see things for what they really are though. I find it really odd when people say they have remarried, but i suppose everyone who is single has that inner fear it could be forever.
I don't even want anyone yet, more a person in my life to say, don't worry about this this and this i will sort it. But don't we all, i suppose it's being called an adult.
It is frustrating when he asks me what i am doing with my life though, he has completely forgotten how much you do for your children. He looked me up and down at my clothes and asked me if i had started snowboarding, yes dickhead i'm just off to Aspen.

OP posts:
AlanP · 29/04/2004 16:46

FF
sounds like he has some sadistic pleasure in putting you down.

What you need is some stories of your own that you can regail him with - they don't have to be true!:0

Good Luck - no-one deserves to be kicked when their down

Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 16:46

Blu very nice analogy

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 16:47

AlanP he does, and it works still, wish it didn't but......

OP posts:
Janstar · 29/04/2004 16:52

Fairyfly, you can't help your feelings, and you can't help still loving him. But you need to overrule your feelings. Even if he came back, he is not good enough for you. He is a cruel, manipulative man who enjoys playing with your feelings like a cat with a mouse. He's a sadist. He's a liar. He's unreliable. He's doing things behind his present girlfriend's back. He didn't bother to contact his kids for two months. He let your son down on his birthday. He winds you up just to let you down, time and time again.

YOU CAN DO BETTER.

Yes, I do understand that you have a loyal nature, and you meant it when you said, I love you, I will have your babies, and cannot just switch off that part of yourself.

But you can switch off the part that thinks he is acceptable for you. He is not. You may love him, but your love is your property and you don't have to give it out. Keep it safe, inside you, and do not give it out to anyone until you meet someone who can satisfy your criteria. Your criteria? Someone who is kind, who builds you and doesn't think it's fun to knock you down, who wouldn't dream of letting you and your sons down, who can be trusted.

Put up with the fact that you still feel love for him but close the door on him as a potential partner. He is not good enough. Your feelings are just an irritating piece of baggage you have to carry for a while.

Easy · 29/04/2004 16:54

Remember my Mantra about this ?

I'm beautiful, I'm bright and I deserve better than him.

Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 17:03

I can do better

OP posts:
Janstar · 29/04/2004 17:07

Attagirl

Original poster
fairyfly · 29/04/2004 18:43

O.k. deep breaths he will be back in five minutes.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 29/04/2004 18:52

Am off but take care
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