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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feelings after visit from x

104 replies

fairyfly · 29/04/2004 15:53

I feel so down and lost. My x has just turned up after two months, he looks great, doing well at uni, work experience for a paper, and madly in love with his girlfriend. You can tell how happy he is. I am just not and i really resent him. I am stuck in a rut, have no idea where my life is taking me, have no money and no freedom. Apparently he is going to loads of parties this weekend, i can't even afford a babysitter. I feel that all my life is and has been since he left is the kids and making sure they felt stable. I am scared to death of feeling alone and struggling with all the responsibility. I know it is time to forgive him because i can't hold this hate and pain for him much longer, it doesn't effect him and just is turning me bitter. I want to know what happened to me, where i have gone, while he is laying the foundations for his happy life. I couldn't even look at him in the eye because i new as soon as i saw him i still love him. I also feel very ashamed of that, how can i love someone that has no feelings for me. It is coming up to a year now and i don't feel i have ever moved on from the pain he has caused. I still want to ask him what the hell happened. Why wasn't i good enough for him. I can't imagine how things will work out am i always going to feel upset when i see him. It still makes me feel ill that he is hugging the kids and then going off to sleep with someone else. It doesn't help that i fancy the pants off him. When will i start having good times again, i am tired of being strong and only having myself to rely on. This sounds so needy and pathetic, but i really want someone to take care of me for a while.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 01/05/2004 20:09

FairyFly, this man is off his trolley. He really is. He is an evil, manipulative bastard who is going to quite extraordinary lengths to make you suffer. And he knows EXACTLY what buttons to press as well, don't forget (I know just what you mean about hating being laughed at, I am exactly the same and I completely lose it).

Of course you are exhausted. You are going through emotional torture, and you're also supporting your kids. Like everyone else, I'm wondering if you have anyone who could just take the kids for a couple of days - or if you could all get away together?

And you are NOT pathetic. Nor are you alone. Honestly, we aren't just supporting you because you need support; we're supporting you because we like you.

Oh, and you know your ex is getting 'work experience' on a paper - well, speaking as someone who earns their living from writing I'd put folding money on the fact that you write far better, and more intelligently, and wittily, than he does.

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 20:34

Thanks

OP posts:
sykes · 01/05/2004 20:36

FF, ifn you can stand a phone call I'm putting the girls to bed NOW - will call in ten minutes.

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 20:37

If you can stand a phone call more like Nothing like getting back off your hols with a fresh new perspective, and then back down to earth. I bet you look fantastic!

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Janstar · 01/05/2004 20:48

fly my dear, you know your ex is bullying you and that there is no truth in what he says.

He is the one who will end up sad and lonely whereas you will find someone splendid and wonderful to be with.

Instead of just jumping into bed with the first person who comes along like he has!

He is a person of no consequence and therefore what he says is of entirely no importance. It's like taking seriously what an imbecile says.

Have a lovely natter with sykes my dear and forget all about that loser.

WideWebWitch · 01/05/2004 21:50

FF, just wanted to send you support and positive thoughts. What a tosser the man is. Remember what he did to your ds on his birthday and then remember that he is capable of such callousness (is that a word?) Thinking of you.

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 21:58

Thanks Mrs Star and Mrs Witch (ooo that sounds bad). I really appreciate it.......... he got me again, i felt weak, still do tbh, but i hope it's firing me up for greater things, i realise everyone has shit, just hate feeling so beaten

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/05/2004 08:21

Start a very detailed diary of all your contacts with him. Write down verbatim what he says to you on the phone (do you have an answerphone which can record conversations??). Write down everything which has happened so far as accurately as possible and then start to log every visit and phone call. If he does try to pull some stunt through the courts and brings up your unsuitability, then you can produce the diary as evidence of his emotional and verbal abuse. The courts do take notice of such diaries.

glitterfairy · 02/05/2004 08:34

Hi FF Yes after reading this agree with all that has been said and am really sorry that it has been so sh*tty for you recently but come out and have a laugh, good food (or yuk detox) and some camp drag king watching!

Janstar · 02/05/2004 10:07

Freckle's diary really is a good idea for court, FF. And it will be an eye-opener for you when you see in black and white the pattern of the programme of bullying. It will help you see through it all.

motherinferior · 02/05/2004 10:14

And about your worries about staying single and/or not being able to love again - of course you're worried. But you're also not in a good place, emotionally, to meet someone else; I seriously do believe we all need to get over one relationship before going into another (I know your tosser of an ex didn't, but that is because he is a tosser. Honestly. I've met lots of tossers in my life and he tosses pretty well at the top of the Tossing League.)

During my long period of research for my as yet unpublished best-seller Women Who Love Tossers Who Dump Them Too Much, someone once said to me 'you don't get over it, you just get further away from it'. That really helped, at the time, because I couldn't imagine never loving that particular man again; I could imagine getting further away. And I did get further away. And hey, guess what - these days I'm really glad I'm not with him any more. You can get there. You will. Hugs.

wobblyknicks · 02/05/2004 10:17

FF - you're lovely, funny, a brilliant mother and a wonderful person. When you're back on your feet and really ready to find someone else, we'll all have to send you sticks to beat them off with.

Original poster
fairyfly · 02/05/2004 19:12

Thanks everyone it really helps, can't stop thinking at the moment.......not been like this for a while now, but you are all really helping honestly, so thanks again

OP posts:
motherinferior · 03/05/2004 19:15

Hang on in there, FF.xxx

Original poster
fairyfly · 03/05/2004 19:35

Just went to get ds1 he was watching Home alone quietly, i looked at him he had a tear running down his cheek, i said oooh goodness whats wrong and he burst into tears and said i don't know why people leave there boys, i miss my daddy.............I hate him again, don't worry, back to getting on with my life and realising what a waist of space his father is.

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Original poster
fairyfly · 03/05/2004 19:36

waste, i mean

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Original poster
fairyfly · 03/05/2004 19:56

Anyone know the song sunshine on Leith by the Proclaimers, its really sorting my head out

OP posts:
jasper · 03/05/2004 22:37

Fairyfly, it's a hell of a song, isn't it?

motherinferior · 04/05/2004 12:33

Lovely song.

You hang on and Feel that Hate

Tinker · 04/05/2004 15:29

Oh, Sunshine on Leith is FANTASTIC Saw them sing it live last year.

pamina3 · 04/05/2004 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 04/05/2004 15:49

DP bought us their Best Of...CD recently, because dd1 loves their song on Shrek. I'd forgotten how much I liked them. Mind you, I've always gone for lefty blokes in glasses, myself.

Janstar · 04/05/2004 16:06

My brother was listening to Al Jolson singing 'I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles..' and he suddenly said, 'Al Jolson walked a hundred times further than the Proclaimers. The lazy Scots Bs!'

Original poster
fairyfly · 04/05/2004 16:14

He's just like me, now that songs pissing me off slightly

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Original poster
fairyfly · 04/05/2004 16:14

Janstar

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