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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feelings after visit from x

104 replies

fairyfly · 29/04/2004 15:53

I feel so down and lost. My x has just turned up after two months, he looks great, doing well at uni, work experience for a paper, and madly in love with his girlfriend. You can tell how happy he is. I am just not and i really resent him. I am stuck in a rut, have no idea where my life is taking me, have no money and no freedom. Apparently he is going to loads of parties this weekend, i can't even afford a babysitter. I feel that all my life is and has been since he left is the kids and making sure they felt stable. I am scared to death of feeling alone and struggling with all the responsibility. I know it is time to forgive him because i can't hold this hate and pain for him much longer, it doesn't effect him and just is turning me bitter. I want to know what happened to me, where i have gone, while he is laying the foundations for his happy life. I couldn't even look at him in the eye because i new as soon as i saw him i still love him. I also feel very ashamed of that, how can i love someone that has no feelings for me. It is coming up to a year now and i don't feel i have ever moved on from the pain he has caused. I still want to ask him what the hell happened. Why wasn't i good enough for him. I can't imagine how things will work out am i always going to feel upset when i see him. It still makes me feel ill that he is hugging the kids and then going off to sleep with someone else. It doesn't help that i fancy the pants off him. When will i start having good times again, i am tired of being strong and only having myself to rely on. This sounds so needy and pathetic, but i really want someone to take care of me for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 30/04/2004 19:43

Small Penis for her

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 30/04/2004 19:44

Big Penis for me

OP posts:
jmg1 · 30/04/2004 19:45

firm bum for me

aloha · 30/04/2004 19:47

FF - are you drinking

Original poster
fairyfly · 30/04/2004 19:49

No just very pleased that his tackle is small (i'm not reffering to Jmg btw)

OP posts:
Beetroot · 30/04/2004 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fairyfly · 30/04/2004 21:37

Thanks MrsBeetLady, you too, ditto xxxxx

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 30/04/2004 21:41

ff - anyone that was really happy wouldn't even think of telling you about it, they'd be too busy just being happy. You're doing really well, you've got lovely kids and however good a picture your x is putting across, he's obviously still a miserable tosser. Try to ignore him and remember you really are a million times nicer than him. Things will work out for you in the end, yes its a pity they don't resolve themselves instantly but eventually they will and you will be genuinely happy, you won't have to pretend like he is.

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 16:04

I'm sorry about this but i can really feel myself going under again. I'm exhausted can't remember the last time someone helped out and i just want to get away from everything for a while. I feel violent towards my x , he has just rang and said he will see them on Saturday i don't know where this is coming from after two months of nothing. I just want some stability and peace. I have no idea why my mood has sunken, i really don't want to look after them on my own anymore. I am so tired of being lonely. Why the hell has my optimism vanished. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
BadHair · 01/05/2004 16:46

FF - I'm not much good at this support stuff, but please please please don't let this tosspot make you feel this bad. Like someone else said lower down this thread, I look forward to seeing your posts as you're always really witty and bright, and you really don't deserve to be made to feel like this.
Could your folks have the children for a night or so just so you can get some time to yourself? Or could they come over and help you out with household stuff just to give you a bit of a break?
I'm really sorry that your wnker of an ex is making you feel like this, but like Janstar said, the person you were in love with doesn't exist any more. And would you really want to be with someone who's dressed up like a twtty student?

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 16:47

I want it to stop i can't breathe,he says he doesn't see his children because i am an evil whore and he can't bear to look at me anymore. I am a pathetic mum and i have messed things up not him, he just went on and on down the phone, he is starting to break me again.

OP posts:
BoxofFrogs · 01/05/2004 16:53

What a nice man...not. FF don't let him get to you. He is messing with your head intentionally.

Freckle · 01/05/2004 16:56

Don't take any calls from him and don't read any texts from him either. This is not a nice man. You are doing a brilliant job bringing up your children and, if he wants to see them, then he has to prove that he can be trusted to be nice when around them and you. You are not responsible for this situation. He and his behaviour are.

If he can't speak nicely to you, then all communications will have to be in writing. If he can't write in a civil manner, then it will have to be done through solicitors (or a reliable third party - such as a good friend who can impart the important stuff and ditch the abuse).

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 16:57

I've just told him that i wish he would just die, i can't believe i said it, he was just telling me loads of stuff about how worthless i am. He said who is the sick one in the head, the person who wishes people were dead or me.

OP posts:
hercules · 01/05/2004 16:58

FF, you've made me laugh on mumsnet before, please dont think this of yourself. Let's face it he's a tosser and your'e better off without him. What kind of a sad person acts in this way?
Life will get better even if it doesnt seem like that now. You wont always be on your own either.
You dont sound pathetic at all, just someone who needs support and there's nothing wrong with that. Why else is anybody here?

hercules · 01/05/2004 17:00

You are certainly not worthless!!! This bloke needs to get a grip. So what if you said you wished him dead. That makes you human not sick. Just try top remember who is the better person! You!

ponygirl · 01/05/2004 17:00

He's talking bllocks FF! How dare he try and bring you down! You are a wonderful mother, just read the thread about your ds's birthday if you need reminding. You are the one keeping it all together, no wonder you're exhausted, but it's this very exhaustion that is making you so vulnerable to his headfcking games. Is there anyone who can cover with your children to give you a break?

Please don't let him do this to you, don't let him have this power over you. You are bright and funny and witty and you have so many friends here that love you and want to help you be whole. Lots of love and hugs.

BadHair · 01/05/2004 17:00

FF - Boxoffrogs is right - he's doing this on purpose to make you feel bad about yourself. If life is so good for him why is he taking this time to ring you and abuse you?
DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU. OK so I've never met you but from your posts (especially the one about your ds's birthday) I'm absolutely sure that you are a fantastic mum, and at the end of the day he is the one who walked out and left his family without a backward glance. It sounds to me as if he's starting to realise what he's lost and he's feeling guilty about it, so he's trying to blame you.
You do not deserve to be on the receiving end of his anger and guilt, but try to see it as just that, as he's too much of a coward to face himself so he turns it all on you.

BadHair · 01/05/2004 17:01

And you're not on your own - lets face it, at this moment half of mumsnet probably wish him dead too!

hercules · 01/05/2004 17:02

I was gonna say that too badhair! Die, Die Die.

Original poster
fairyfly · 01/05/2004 17:08

I really don't know what happens to me when he speaks to me, for a start i can't stand people laughing at me, when i am cross. I just wanted to know why he had decided to start making an effort and where he had been. I wish i'd never asked. He told me that the only reason that his children will get messed up is because i put thoughts in there head about what a bastard he is. He told me that i would always be alone, and he won't be. I was crying asking him to stop and he just kept calling me a pathetic bitch until i hung up.

OP posts:
BadHair · 01/05/2004 17:14

Right, do not ring him again. I know its easy for me to say but if you ring him he'll do this to you again. He is not the man you loved, he's turned into someone different and horrible - the man you fell in love with would never have made you feel like this.
If your children should ever get messed up its not because you put thoughts in their heads - its because he abandoned them. And again, the man you loved would never have done that.
It really does sound as if he's feeling sh*tty that he's lost his family so he's blaming you. Don't ring him or contact him, let him fester in his own guilt. Twat.

BadHair · 01/05/2004 17:15

Oh, and I should have added that its highly unlikely that your children will get messed up - they have you to keep their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground.

ponygirl · 01/05/2004 17:20

You are not alone. You have, and will always have, your children. He does not. He is alone. AND, FF, you have us, and he does not.

popsycal · 01/05/2004 19:51

FF - he has started making an effort because of his parental rights application

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