I feel so down and lost. My x has just turned up after two months, he looks great, doing well at uni, work experience for a paper, and madly in love with his girlfriend. You can tell how happy he is. I am just not and i really resent him. I am stuck in a rut, have no idea where my life is taking me, have no money and no freedom. Apparently he is going to loads of parties this weekend, i can't even afford a babysitter. I feel that all my life is and has been since he left is the kids and making sure they felt stable. I am scared to death of feeling alone and struggling with all the responsibility. I know it is time to forgive him because i can't hold this hate and pain for him much longer, it doesn't effect him and just is turning me bitter. I want to know what happened to me, where i have gone, while he is laying the foundations for his happy life. I couldn't even look at him in the eye because i new as soon as i saw him i still love him. I also feel very ashamed of that, how can i love someone that has no feelings for me. It is coming up to a year now and i don't feel i have ever moved on from the pain he has caused. I still want to ask him what the hell happened. Why wasn't i good enough for him. I can't imagine how things will work out am i always going to feel upset when i see him. It still makes me feel ill that he is hugging the kids and then going off to sleep with someone else. It doesn't help that i fancy the pants off him. When will i start having good times again, i am tired of being strong and only having myself to rely on. This sounds so needy and pathetic, but i really want someone to take care of me for a while.