Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Oh ophelia, I'm so sorry!

But things WILL get better, I promise. You're going to be treading a different path than the one you thought for a little while, but you WILL come through this and, one day, find someone who's worthy of your love.

You don't have to believe his rewriting of history, even if he starts to actually believe his own lies.

I think you need to focus on you right now, the work friend will be fishing for info, either for OW or office gossip. Keep to facts, don't give away what you're feeling.

I think you should remain silent to him, it will send him batty. If he ever comes crawling back please don't take him back.

bless you.
As pp have said, try and step back and concentrate on fixing you.

Ophelia; I think you should get him having access ASAP (without the OW around, and not on her kids weekend, as has been discussed earlier in thread).
You will need a break to process everything and just to have time to yourself and he needs to take a bit of fucking responsibility for the children and life he has abandoned.

cant believe how furious I am on your behalf. I agree with others that you need to disengage with him, engage shit hot lawyer, and quietly spread the truth before he can complete his fictional tale of a rocky marriage. I would just refer to your shock at his sordid affair with OW. No need to go into details, but be clear that this is all his doing.

Ophelia I doubt he was really unhappy sweetheart, he's just using that as an excuse to justify his disgusting actions. Trust me, in a couple of months when the lust wears off and the domestic drudgery starts this man is going to have a swift bumpy ride back down to earth.

This is what happens: people in comfortable relationships with DCs end up getting a bit bored, thinking 'oh this is dull', look for excitement elsewhere. not realising all relationships settle into this comfort and you always get to the same point with the new one. attitude of the perpetually immature, like your DH.

You are a wonderful woman OP, you will get through this I promise.

Charley50 I feel like a bad mother for agreeing with you. I worry I won't be able to cope alone with the twins some days it's hardboard work but I always knew I had H to fall back on. He could cook dinner or clean up or rub my back or just be there for me.

I honestly still can't decided what to do about access. I know i do not want the OW near them but as I've read in other places there isn't much I can do about that he is there father and has just as much right to them as I do.

"Everybody fed, nobody dead" is a perfectly acceptable motto for getting through the day Ophelia.

No way are you a bad mother Ophelia. You had your children together! A mother needs support; it is fucking hard work, especially toddler twins. Overnight he has made the experience of motherhood for you a stressful thing to endure rather than enjoy. Let him do some parenting and don't feel guilty about it. Your twins are close to him right now, don't let him break that bond.
It's true it's hard to say the ow can't meet the kids but tell him, as suggested before, that guidance says it's best not to introduce your DCs to any new relationship right now.
You are a great mum and a lovely person, it's obvious.

It's really, really tough. And you owe it to your twins to support their relationship with their father.

But remember - you will always be their mummy, the person who feeds, clothes and loves them. Always.

And he will always be the dad who left them.

You know that most people will not buy his story. Most people, on hearing he has left his wife and toddler twins to shack up with another woman, will be shocked and they will judge him. Most people have stresses and strains on their relationship but they don't seek the answer in the stationary cupboard with a colleague.

Just be good to yourself. Do what's easiest with the little ones and accept help.

Ophelia You might want to consider asking MNHQ to move this thread to 30 days only or to have it deleted in while. Maybe you have changed lots of details or maybe you are not worried about being outed as you have nothing wrong but I thought you might want to consider it.

"He never once told me he was unhappy at home. In fact, he was, unbeknown to me, sleeping with both of us

Exactly

"She's been really nice about it but I also know she is really good friends with OW and H so although she feels sympathy for me I imagine she'll still stick by them."

D'you reckon?

I think there'e a good chance she doesn't really like OW at all, and wants to know what she has been up to. Seriously - why would she ask you if she felt she already 'knew' what was going on? I reckon she may well despise OW (with good cause!).

I am so sorry to read all this.

The only positive suggestion I can make is to come off Facebook for a bit. Put up a dignified status (about personal difficulties or personal crisis perhaps?) then suspend your account.

ophelia there were days that I wished I hadn't had my kids, it all felt too much.
I didn't let ow near them for years and im a rational professional woman.
You are not wrong to not want her near your kids. She's not important to them. They aren't married or in s long term relationship, for now shes just a new girlfriend. Stick to your guns on that one, h can like it or have contact at your parents. He's hardly able to offer you any reassurance that he's able to behave appropriately around them as they appear to be unable to contain themselves.
I am sensing some anger today, let it flow, this is the next phase in your recovery.
One day soon he will look at you and the kids getting on with your lives and regret this.

If friend is genuinely a close friend of OW, she would have known or would have gone to OW for the lowdown, not you.

Actually, it really doesn't matter what all these people who are not your loved ones are thinking right now, so please don't feel the need to engage with people if you are too tired and worn down or have the sense they are not truly on Team Ophelia.

If you do have the energy, I would simply say something along the lines of "unfortunately there is unequivocal evidence that their affair has been going on for a considerable amount of time and they have been untruthful about that fact. The DTs and I will get through this but it's obviously still a great shock to the three of us. Thanks again for your concern x

Frizzy - so sorry you are going through this too. Hope you are doing ok

Fizzy sorry I forgot to say how sorry I am for what you're going through as well. I'm here if you need someone to talk (or cry with)

Seeing my solicitor today so a friend is coming to watch the twins for a few hours.

Haven't had a word for H since last night but he changes his cover photo to one which I know is one from an afternoon he spent with OW she's just not in the picture ... He also changed his profile one from us to him and the kids.

Laurie i started think maybe she was enquiring on the OW behalf so she could see "what a mess I am"

Didn't sleep well last night kept dreaming that H was still at home and none of this had happened.

Hopit goes well with solicitor snd well done for sleeping at all.
I really wish you would stay off his face book tho.
It's a bit Ike picking a scab, it will never heal.

Morning Ophelia,

Hope you are doing okay this morning. I'd be inclined to agree with other posters and use this girl as your flying monkey as it were.

Maybe send her an unemotional response with some of the facts (sleeping with both of you, things good at home after a fab holiday etc). I'd even let slip about the blowjobs and work messenger stuff, then let her fly and leave her to it.

I'm also in agreement he won't get fired but he will be a social leper, as will she.

People will look at them just chatting innocently and KNOW. They'll feel a bit dirty after talking to them and anyone who can chat to them without feeling that way will also be judged accordingly. It sounds as though their main source of socialising/friendship comes from work (especially for her) and this will hit them where it hurts. They'll be faced with what they have done daily and office gossips have really long memories.

Thinking of you. Xx

I've read both threads Ophelia, with horror.

You are an amazing woman. Very strong and full of dignity.

They are both awful people.

I can't remember what song it came from, but you reminded me of the lyric

"All this bullshit made me strong motherfucker!"

Don't forget to let slip the undignified STI tests as they didn't use protection and she may have been naughty while he was having sex with you on your holiday.

I can't get over how vile she is saying this.

Good luck for today x

Good luck today Ophelia.

Please do get an STI test, I know it's a horrid thing to think about but it's necessary for your health.

Morning ophelia. Good luck for today. Deep breaths.
I'm glad you got a little sleep if not enough.
I know it's very difficult but I would simply not engage, on fb or otherwise, close down, rely on your closest trusted friends which it sounds like you have, and ignore anything but you and your children.
Seeing things like photo changes are just going to hurt and there sadly is nothing you can do except not engage in order protect yourself as best you can.
Stay strong.
Thinking of you.