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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life wasn't supposed to be like this.

129 replies

tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 19:20

When I was 18 I got pregnant and had my son. When I was 19 my boyfriend started being violent. When I was 20, I thought he was going to strangle me to death in front of our child. When I was 21 he left me when my dad beat him up for raising his hand to me. He broke my heart. I cried over him every day for months. When I was 22 I took him back. He was caught trying to cheat on me a few weeks later. My grandmother had just died, so I was vulnerable, still loved him, and didn't have the strength to throw him out. It was easier to try to forgive him. Now I'm 23. Our relationship hasn't changed much. He still takes his anger out on me. He's still violent. I rang the police on him on one occasion and had him removed from the house, but couldn't bring myself to press charges against him. Our sex life isn't great. Once a month or so. I don't know if he has cheated on me or not. I can't trust him. Him and my father can't be in the same room together. He tried to kill himself last week by overdosing on pills, because he stole and spent £7000 of his grandfathers money. I had to go in the ambulance with him and book him in. Stayed in the hospital for nearly 7 hours so he wouldn't wake up alone. I had to help him access counselling and get a sick line from the doctor. I'm trying to support this man through his depression and desperation because I love him.

I'm 23, and my life wasn't supposed to be like this.

OP posts:
britishbakeoffblues · 22/04/2015 19:26

This man doesn't deserve you!!
He is abusive. If he has tried to strangle you previously, he is a danger to you and your child.
Run, run, run and don't look back!!!

britishbakeoffblues · 22/04/2015 19:27

What do you get from this relationship for you?

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 22/04/2015 19:34

He doesn't love you,
please don't become another statistic please don't let your little one grow up thinking that this is how to treat a partner. He's a liar,a cheat a thief and a violent abuser. You are worth so much more. You say your life wasn't meant to be this way, ring WA talk to your dad, leave leave leave.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2015 19:35

Your life would be a whole lot better if you weren't in this damaging and toxic relationship

Relationships aren't supposed to be like this

End it with this man, before he completely destroys you and before both of you give too many terrible examples of how men and women are supposed to interact to your child.

SummerSazz · 22/04/2015 19:38

Listen to your dad. He clearly loes you WAY more than the person who is supposed to treat you with unconditional love and respect.....

Quitelikely · 22/04/2015 19:42

With this man you are on the road to nowhere.

Your children aren't living in a nice situation with a man like the one you describe.

They rely on you to show them what is normal and what isn't.

peacoat · 22/04/2015 19:46

Oh you deserve more than this. Your Dad doesn't like him. He doesn't like him because he knows you deserve better.

Honestly, there is a much, much better life awaiting you. Let this abusive, inadequate person go. Your life will improve considerably.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 19:47

Please leave this violent thug. Only you have the power to change the course if your lifeFlowers

Original poster
tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 19:47

He has never tried to hurt our son, although I know that one day, he could. I want to run but I love him. What I get out of it, is when he's not being moody or violent, he is clever, funny, interesting and he treats me well. He buys me thoughtful gifts, records programmes he thinks I would like. Brings me a cup of tea in bed in the morning on his day off. All the silly little things that make a relationship great. And the sex is good, when it happens. Then we have a fight over something and it escalates. Then the apologies and shit. The violence has been get more frequent and worse in nature, but has never happened in front of our child since the strangling incident. Only once when ds was in bed (the most recent incident). When fights turn violent was usually when our ds is staying with his gran.

The last time he was violent, about 6 weeks ago, I told him to go to counselling or we were over, and I meant it. I recognise we are in the cycle of abuse. I know it's not my fault. I told him if he touches me again I will end up doing something drastic like putting a knife through his neck. He eventually got an appointment with gp, who diagnosed depression, prescribed him sertraline and sleeping tablets (he hasn't been sleeping great) and was going to ring back with details of someone he could take to about his anger issues and being a perpetrator of domestic violence. Later that day his mother asked him for the money back (I knew nothing about this money until later) and he used the pills Dr had given him to overdose. It felt like he was finally agreeing to solve things, when this money and overdose shit happened. It just feels now like my life is becoming a series of unfortunate events. One thing after another.

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 22/04/2015 19:47

Love, did you post a while back about this?

I know you've strength - I saw it on those threads. I know you know you deserve a better life.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 22/04/2015 19:49

Actually, not sure you are the same poster. But realising you want a better life is a huge step forwards.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 19:51

Op, he could kill you.
Please leave for your sons sake, if nothing else.

sooperdooper · 22/04/2015 19:51

Your life doesn't have to be like this, he's the cause of all these issues, please please for your sake and your sons future you need to leave him, you're young, you can start your life a fresh, please don't put up with this :(

ratsintheattic · 22/04/2015 19:52

You are 23. That is young, perhaps only a quarter of your life lived and most of that is without your partner. Therefore only a bit of your life is like this and you don't have to continue this way for a single second longer. Sounds like your Dad supports you. Let him help you leave. You know you have lost your way with this partner. It will hurt especially as you have a child with him. Do what you know you have to.

Parsley1234 · 22/04/2015 19:52

Not trying to be unsympathetic but what did he spend 7k on ? I'm thinking drugs, prostitutes ? You are worth a lot more than this rubbish and your son is too your father was right to knock him out I'm not surprised he can't be in the same room as him. Fast forward years Wd you stand by and see some one beat up your child ?

Original poster
tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 20:00

I don't know what he spent the 7K on. It was before we met each other. I didn't know he had ever been given money to mind by anyone, let alone pissed it up the wall. I think it went on holidays and drinking binges. His family knew but thought he still had it, until his mum needed it last week and asked the grandfather could she have 3K off it, then asked him to lift it out for her. Then the shit hit the fan. Taking on board what you're all saying.Sad

OP posts:
shewept · 22/04/2015 20:00

I am not trying to be harsh. But where was your child when you were in the ambulance and spent 7 hours by his bedside, so this violent abuser wouldn't wake up alone?

You and your child are the priority. Not whether he is alone when he wakes up. He abuses you and stole 7k off his grandad (what did he do with it?) and you worry about him waking up alone?

Please OP for your sake and your sons, Please leave him. This isn't how your life was supposed to be and its not how your childs should be. You are keeping your son in a situation that you know is damaging and potentially dangerous. You say he hasn't shown any anger to your son. Don't wait until he does.

Where is he now?

shewept · 22/04/2015 20:02

His family thought he was sat on 7k of his grandads money for 5 years?

Why would he be looking after it?

BolshierAyraStark · 22/04/2015 20:08

Your child will at some point see his father being violent to his mother & actually realise what the fuck is happening , do you honestly want that?

sooperdooper · 22/04/2015 20:13

Your dad sounds very supportive, could you & your dc go and stay with him where you'll be safe?

soontobemumofthree · 22/04/2015 20:22

Your life was not supposed to be like this.
No-ones life is supposed to be like that. No-ones relationships are supposed to have parts like that.

Your son must be 4 or 5 years old now and you think your partner is just going to abuse you when he is not there. But I don't believe it won't be having an effect on your son.

Think of a different life you could leave, a relationship with good points, but the bad bits being things like disagreeing about what time to set off in the morning to take child to school, stress about bills but working out a budget together, finding someones washing up habits annoying, maybe supporting someone through a bereavement or illness. Thats normal "bad bits" NOT - being violent, you having to call police, you having to threaten him for him to get him to get help, you not being able to trust him, him cheating on you.

HootyMcTooty · 22/04/2015 20:28

This man is vile to you, he is the example your son has for how to treat others. I can guarantee he is already damaging your son.

Your life can be better than this, you need to find the strength to make that happen.

peacoat · 22/04/2015 20:34

You say you love him but I think this is the key you need to think about.

This isn't love.

It really isn't. It's an abusive relationship.

There is much better waiting you and your son. Please leave.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2015 21:03

There is no telling you. You will learn what a mistake you are making by hanging onto this violent abuser the hard way. I hope your son isn't caught up in the crossfire too much.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2015 21:04

what did you want from this thread, OP ?

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