My life wasn't supposed to be like this.

[tresfatigue]

When I was 18 I got pregnant and had my son. When I was 19 my boyfriend started being violent. When I was 20, I thought he was going to strangle me to death in front of our child. When I was 21 he left me when my dad beat him up for raising his hand to me. He broke my heart. I cried over him every day for months. When I was 22 I took him back. He was caught trying to cheat on me a few weeks later. My grandmother had just died, so I was vulnerable, still loved him, and didn't have the strength to throw him out. It was easier to try to forgive him. Now I'm 23. Our relationship hasn't changed much. He still takes his anger out on me. He's still violent. I rang the police on him on one occasion and had him removed from the house, but couldn't bring myself to press charges against him. Our sex life isn't great. Once a month or so. I don't know if he has cheated on me or not. I can't trust him. Him and my father can't be in the same room together. He tried to kill himself last week by overdosing on pills, because he stole and spent £7000 of his grandfathers money. I had to go in the ambulance with him and book him in. Stayed in the hospital for nearly 7 hours so he wouldn't wake up alone. I had to help him access counselling and get a sick line from the doctor. I'm trying to support this man through his depression and desperation because I love him.

I'm 23, and my life wasn't supposed to be like this.

Hello Tres

I think you are addicted to the drama in this relationship eg trips to hospital, violence, drugs, stealing

Seriously LEAVE THIS PERSON !!!

START A NEW LIFE NOW !

LOVE your child & yourself first

You are young, there will be time to find someone else who will put you & your child first

Ask your family to help you move on to a better life & dont look back

Good luck

No, my dad was never abusive toward my mother, we aren't close because of other issues. She never really bonded with me, left me with my gran a lot as a baby etc. And my dad walked in on me slumped on the floor and (soon to be ex) partner threatening "if you don't shut the fuck up I'll punch you in the face" I told him to fuck off, and he was just about to do it, and a rage came over dad. That's when partner walked out and left me. Dad had said something after like "you touch her again and I'll do the same again". Think dp is even now terrified I'll tell my dad, always edgy around him. Though we've talked about it and dad wouldn't do it again (dp doesn't know this).

You're all right. I have to leave him for my sons sake. He will go quietly. I think he knows from last week how at the end of my tether I am with our "relationship". I don't know where he'll go but that's not my problem I suppose. His friends and family (well not so much his family now) think the sun shines out of his arse. I think as a pp said, it's not so much I have a low self esteem, as he seemed the best of a bad bunch. He works, doesn't take drugs, is a good dad etc. But she was right in I need to take that t-shirt off and throw it away. He will still see my son, but on the previous arrangement of overnight stays are in his mothers with her present. The health visitor has said (she came out after I rang the police on him) that he is at risk of not seeing our ds, if he doesn't get help. So I hope he continues to go to counselling for his own and ds's sake. Ds loved him/another one thinks the sun shines out of his bum.

*loves

"I want to run but I love him"

Sometimes in life we have to do what our head tells us and not our heart. Your child deserves better than to have to live in a situation like this because he has no choice. You do.

Of course your son loves him. Which should worry you in itself. Your son doesn't have enough life experience to know he dad is a dick of the highest order. He thinks having an abusive dad and scared mum is normal. As he gets older he will continue to think this is normal or learn to be terrified of his dad and later hate him.

Your more than likely things all dads are like this.

Good dads don't abuse their children's mothers. Being abusive negates much of the lovely fun dad stuff, even the day to day care, because the child's abiding memories and associations with their dad will be fear, anxiety, violence and misery. So not a good dad.

chocolate is victim blaming, plain and simple. And holding tresfatigue responsible for the behaviour of other men.

There are plenty of ways of saying you need to get out of a situation without blaming the victim for the abuse they are receiving. Put the blame for the abuse where it belongs, on her partner's shoulders.

The man you describe is a deeply, deeply damaged individual, and however much you may feel sorry for him you simply cannot love him better. When you took him back he assured you he'd changed, but events have proved he hasn't, he's just learned to be a little more subtle with it (and that's not because he cares about your feelings, it's because he's afraid of your dad ). You are trying to bring out the best in him by supporting him, when actually what is happening is, like an alcoholic, he is being enabled by your support to carry on being a dick. This not only isn't doing you or your son any favours, it's not even doing a favour to your boyfriend, paradoxically. It's a well worn trope about The Love Of A Good Woman providing redemption - we've all been brought up on those stories - but unfortunately it's mostly nonsense. The Love Of A Good Woman is in fact helping cover up the consequences of his dangerous actions, so reducing the incentive to change.

Those little thoughtful gestures that make a good relationship great are the icing on the cake. But when the cake is rotten, all the icing in the world won't put it right. It looks so appetising but it will make you sick. It's not completely off the wall to say it may even kill you - he nearly did it once. OK, he probably won't. He'll just carry on making your life a misery, in between having a laugh and making cups of tea, for the next 50 years, or until he runs off with one of the women he is very probably cheating with. Hell, woman, you can do so much better!

Obviously it's going to hurt. A quarter of your life, all your adult life so far, has revolved around this man and his dramas. It will leave a big gap. You can and will get over it though - you may not believe it now but really, the sooner you rip that plaster off the more hurt you will be saving yourself in the future. Do it now, suck it up, cry those tears, and then wipe them and get on with being the best mother, daughter and human being you can. Love will come again - you're only 23! - and hopefully next time with someone who your love and support can help.

Tres

I also think you are co-dependent when it comes to relationships and sadly no-one in your life to date ever bothered to show you actually what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is. So you have really no idea unsurprisingly. I do not think you love this man so much as actually playing out a co-dependent role in this dysfunctional relationship.

Apart from getting this individual out of your lives once and for all, you need to love your own self for a change. I would also suggest you enrol on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as that would also help you immensely.

Ultimately you have a choice re this man, your son does not.

Scallops, if someone, man or woman chooses to stay in a relationship where abuse is prevalent then so be it. If there is a child involved, then yes, I do believe it is the responsibility of the parent to take child out of the abusive situation. The OP stated that the abuse was getting worse and worse which tells me that the situation was not getting better, but even more damaging for the child and even more important to escape the abuse. The OP is a victim but so is her son and she has a responsibility to protect her child.

I don't usually post on this board but I really would like to share something with you, OP.
I grew up in an abusive home, my Dad sounds a lot like your partner.
He tried to strangle my Mum, more than once.He punched and kicked her, he verbally abused her.He was also financially abusive.He also tried suicide, or at least tried,to look as though he was trying suicide.IYSWIM.
He also had a nice side, witty, clever, however we didn't see much of that.
My siblings and I were aware of his violence from a very young age, certainty younger than your son is now.
We grew up walking on eggshells and terrified a lot of the time.I can honestly say that we are all damaged by the behaviors we were subjected to growing up.
My first proper relationship was with a nice thoughtful funny man, who turned out to be exactly like my Dad.
We had a child, he became violent.I didn't think he would hit our child
To my everlasting shame, he hit my then 18 month old daughter, I walked out that day and never went back.
Please throw him out, please work on your self esteem, you are worth so much more than this, it's no life, for you or your son, who ^will^ know that Daddy hurts his Mummy

Your life will be like this for as long as you are with this man. He will not change, he may claim he will and he may even want to change but he cannot. This is the man he is and if you stay with him much longer this may be the sort of man that your son grows to be. He is learning behaviour from his father even now and he will be picking up on your fear and upset.

While you are with him your life will be miserable, even if he can be nice sometimes, with constant dramas and upsets. I understand it must be very hard, especially if your self esteem is low which it must be to continue in this relationship, to get him to leave but it is the only way you will end up happy. There is support for you to deal with him leaving, your father will help you and posters have suggested organisations that can help you.

Take one small step forward and tell your dad that you want this man to leave. Arrange for your dad to be there if necessary when you tell him. Contact the organisations suggested and take their advice and support. You can do this, you just need to want to. I hope you do for your sake and for your child. If you do you will look back and wonder why you stayed so long. Good luck and keep posting if you need support.

Not victim blaming AT ALL.

Look at your story again and change 'partner' for 'bottle' or 'drugs'. It's exactly the same story because you are addicted to him.

I have been in an abusive relationship but that doesn't stop me feeling very angry that you are blinded by your addiction to the degree that you will subject your son to this truly hideous abuse. You say your son saw your partner strangle you only once. That was once too many.

I don't care that you don't want to hear this and i am actually incensed that you have chided a poster who said something similar. We are not here to smooth your ego but to protect your child - because you aren't, so blinded are you by lurve. Ffs op. Your son comes FIRST. You come second, your partner comes nowhere at all.

SS won't be quite as amenable , and I do so hope they get wind of what is going on in your hellish home. They will make you choose between your son and your abuser, they will not dither waiting for your decision.

Do the Freedom Programme, sign up today. Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 - call at night because lines busy during the day. Stop being the victim, put your son FIRST instead of priorising your addiction to this waste of space who is destroying you both - your choice if you want to be destroyed but your son has no choice and is entirely reliant on you to protect him.

Another one who's been in an abusive relationship.

I think it's very telling that you get snotty with a poster who did something you don't like but won't say anything to your partner, who sounds like a complete waste of space (that's me being polite). Why?

If you think this isn't affecting your son you are so very wrong. You know what you need to do.

Do you really want your son to grow up like your partner - hopefully not, the only way to ensure that doesn't happen is to get rid of him, he's an arsehole who will continue to abuse you for as long as you allow it, your son is watching it all and forming his opinions that this is normal, it sure as hell is far from normal. Lean on your family, go to your GP and get referred for counselling to help you break the cycle of thinking it will improve, it won't, if anything it will get worse as you go on - he needs serious help but he has no intentions of getting it, to him, he's normal, it's everyone else's fault, especially yours.

You only get one life - I am sure you can find a man that does all the nice things he supposedly does for you and a decent new man won't hit you or abuse you and your child.

I don't agree its victim blaming. The Ops partner is an abuser. She is his victim. She is allowing her child to become a victim too. Is it fair that she has to protect her son from his own father?, no its not.

Nothing in an abusive situation is fair. Its shit, totally and completely shit. The abuser won't change. So the OP has a choice, remain a victim and allow her son to become a victim. Or kick him out and keep him away.

The abuse is not the OPs fault, but the father will not act in his child's best interest. So whether its fair or not, the OP has too.

I got slated months back for urging the victim to be more responsible for their child, thing is, if it was your daughter, what would you be saying, the same I'd expect.

OP, seriously, you get the harsh truth here, you know he won't think about your son, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, it's up to you I'm afraid, if you stay, you will regret it forever and that will affect your relationship with your son, get out now, save yourself having to make it up to your son in later years cos you will be consumed with guilt over it.

Oh OP I could have been you. I could have.

But I threw DSs dad out for being violent when I was holding the baby. I was young, terrified and alone, but I did it, and do you know what? Me kicking him out gave him the push to seek help.

Turns out he had pretty severe ADHD, some council king and medication later and he's the best dad I could ask for for my little boy and he's happy in a relationship and I'm happy in my life and we are good friends.

Honestly, look out for you and the baby, he needs to look out for him, it doesn't mean things will be bad at all.

Co-dependent relationships

The ball is firmly in your side of the court.
Yes, he is the abuser and you are the victim, but becoming a survivor of this situation and ensuring your child does not remain a victim too, is entirely in your hands and within your power.
As others have said, in some ways you are in a less bad situation than many other abused women in that your father sounds like he will be a great support to you. IF you let him….

Stop being a victim and become a survivor.

Drama is exciting, but also v dangerous. What you (and your DS) need is a bit of very boring predictability.

More of the above, really. I've worked with women just like you. When SS get involved they protest that their man is alright really, never lays a finger on the kids, is trying really hard....blah, blah.

Then we read a police report about that same man coming round with a dog chain to beat her with, how she was heard screaming, how she attended A&E yet again with another lost tooth and more stitches after yet another tumble down those unusually slippery stairs.

And do you know what. She still won't leave him. She makes excuses, leaves and then allows him back. She lies to SS and swears the dc are fine. The dc are not fine. They wet the bed are aggressive have speech delays and difficulties socialising and forming firm attachments. So those children are removed to a caring if not loving home. Sadly that placement doesn't last long so the children move again. And several more times as the legal process grinds on. By now the children are getting older than most adopters are interested in and their difficulties are becoming obvious. Sometimes adoption is successful but sometimes not. Other times the children face long term fostering or a succession of placements for Looked After Children.

And in the meantime the mother is still stuck in this so called relationship or perhaps another one very like it. She simply won't engage in trying to turn it all around. Her life is shit, her dc have gone and she also thinks it wasn't the life she wanted.

Please, OP, you sound as if you do have the strength and support to get out of this situation. There is a whole lot of help available to you if you chose to take that route. I truly hope you won't take the one I describe above.

op, where have you gone ?

He is not a good dad. Good dads treat their children's mummies with respect.

Good luck op - break free. Life can be great xx

OP you only think you love him.

It's not love. It is hope. It is traumatic bonding (google it). It is thinking that if he would just change it would make it all worth it. It is believing that he must have a good side because otherwise why? Why stay?

But it is not love.

And even if it were sometimes you have to give up something you love because it is destroying you.

You can leave him. You can get away. You can find something better.

love yourself. Love your son. Let your abusive partner go.

You did victim blame chocolate. You blamed the actions of other abusive men on the OP. That is the very definition of victim blaming. Men don't abuse women because women don't stand up to them. Men abuse women because they feel entitled to. Because they know that society will ask "Why doesn't she leave" not "Why does he do that" or "What can we do to stop him". And society doesn't stop him.

That's not to say the OP doesn't need to leave and protect her child. Of course she does. But she also needs support to do that and empowering to understand the choices she has. She's in the FOG. Shouting at her that she is to blame for her partners behaviour towards his own child and for the actions of other abusive men is not particularly empowering or empathetic. In fact to an abused woman it looks very much like what her abuser does.

I do understand your frustrations though, especially as a child is involved.

Oh ffs. Is that theory scallop or have you been in an abusive relationship?