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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life wasn't supposed to be like this.

129 replies

tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 19:20

When I was 18 I got pregnant and had my son. When I was 19 my boyfriend started being violent. When I was 20, I thought he was going to strangle me to death in front of our child. When I was 21 he left me when my dad beat him up for raising his hand to me. He broke my heart. I cried over him every day for months. When I was 22 I took him back. He was caught trying to cheat on me a few weeks later. My grandmother had just died, so I was vulnerable, still loved him, and didn't have the strength to throw him out. It was easier to try to forgive him. Now I'm 23. Our relationship hasn't changed much. He still takes his anger out on me. He's still violent. I rang the police on him on one occasion and had him removed from the house, but couldn't bring myself to press charges against him. Our sex life isn't great. Once a month or so. I don't know if he has cheated on me or not. I can't trust him. Him and my father can't be in the same room together. He tried to kill himself last week by overdosing on pills, because he stole and spent £7000 of his grandfathers money. I had to go in the ambulance with him and book him in. Stayed in the hospital for nearly 7 hours so he wouldn't wake up alone. I had to help him access counselling and get a sick line from the doctor. I'm trying to support this man through his depression and desperation because I love him.

I'm 23, and my life wasn't supposed to be like this.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 25/04/2015 12:46

Chocolate did provide the child's perspective and was shot down in flames by the op. That's where all my sympathy vanished, fwiw.

The majority of abused women wake up when they see what the abuse is doing to their kids. Those who don't are the especial premise of SS. Thank goodness.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 12:48

I agree with that springy. Social Services will be involved if this goes on. And that is a good thing, maybe OP will get the help she needs rather than condemnation.

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 12:50

I am not interested to assist the op, AF. She doesn't want to be assisted. She wants us to ignore, with her, what she is doing to her boy. By being passive she is being active.

I'm not prepared to do that.

You're right on most things AF but not on this. In my opinion!

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 13:03

you are entitled to your opinion

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 13:04

Why thank you.

microferret · 25/04/2015 13:11

Hi OP. I had a pretty similar experience to you - loved a man who was not evil through and through but abusive. He could be wonderful, doing all the sweet things you describe, and often being breathtakingly lovely - that's why it took me four years and every ounce of my emotional strength to leave. I know he loved me, in as much as he could love, but his way of showing this twisted "love" was often to hurt (from his interactions with his family, who are equally messed up people, I can see where he learned to do this). We had a love that was often very close to hate, bound up with too much anger and resentment to ever be healthy. Once someone has done the things he has done to you, I'm afraid the chance for a long-lasting relationship is gone. You will never really trust him, and he will always feel guilt when he looks at you. You probably make him feel he is not good enough for you - because, in reality, he isn't.

The hope is the thing that keeps you prisoner... I kept hoping my ex would change, but he never did - indeed, he never has. We still share mutual friends and from what I occasionally hear he always takes one step forward and four back.

Once I got the courage to end it for good, I met a wonderful man who has shown me what love truly means. He is kind and wonderful to me every day, but also funny, adventurous and interesting. He's given me the security and love I needed to improve myself and to develop a quiet inner strength. We laugh all the time. He has NEVER hurt me in the way that my ex frequently did. We have a beautiful baby girl and I know she will grow up watching us and seeing what a healthy relationship looks like. If you trust your instincts and leave this man for good, you could easily find the right person too. You are so young, you have plenty of time.

Be brave and do it. Trust me, this man is a lost cause. Don't let him drag you down with him.

Please PM me if you feel the need.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/04/2015 13:14

Thing is springy the only way to help the kids long term is to help the mum to identify and avoid abusers. Haranguing her will never, ever achieve that. I'm my saying tough talking never had a place (as a SW I find it has a place) but I try to do it with kindness and in a context of understanding and empathy. Just telling her she's failing her kids and enabling abuse is simply not effective. It might make you feel better but it won't help the kids one bit.

iwashappy · 25/04/2015 13:17

The OP has been in a violet relationship since she was a teenager, I would think her self esteem is very low.

I think she does want assistance and help and wants to change her life and that of her child for the better but it's a huge step for her and she should be encouraged and supported on here to do so with emotional and practical support.

As has been said many times on here the first post is often a small step to recognising that there is a major problem and getting help. Because the OP has not worded her post as "I'm in a violent relationship which is damaging to me and my son please help me to leave" doesn't mean she doesn't know what damage is being done and doesn't mean she doesn't want help to leave.

The OP mentions that he is nice to her sometimes so she probably wants to believe that he will change and that the overdose means he wants help to change. Surely it is better to help the OP to realise that it is nigh on impossible that he will change and that he is a violent, horrible man who is going to continue to make her life a misery and damage her son. Help to give her the confidence, self worth and courage to realise that if he is good a lot of the time and only nasty occasionally that even occasionally is too much and that her life and her son's will be better if she left.

I hope you are okay OP, you are strong enough to do this sweetheart and your life and your son's will be so much better if you do. x

microferret · 25/04/2015 13:23

Also, please ignore the unhelpful, judgemental posters on here. They are using you as an excuse to vent their latent anger for personal reasons unconnected to you, and are deluding themselves that "tough love" and "telling it like it is" are valid justifications for essentially harassing a vulnerable abuse victim.

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 14:03

Perhaps some posters are being judgemental, or are judged for being judgemental... who can tell?

Ehric in your capacity as a social worker you have the remit to provide rounded support, in whatever capacity. This is an entirely different forum without the power you have, represented as you are by a powerful org.

I'm a long term supporter of DV victims. Tirelessly supportive, actually. I was there for her until she chewed up chocolate, whose voice was the voice of her own child. She has enough lovely people stroking her on here, she doesn't need another one. If just one word of what I have to say registers, making a difference for that child, then it's in a good cause. She'll 'hear' all this from SS anyway, though it will be far more brutal and effective re action. If truth is offensive then so be it, it's what she'll face with relevant orgs.

If she's listening, which is in doubt. If she is, this is a public forum and she won't be the only one reading this.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 14:14

springy, the way you talk makes it sounds like your support for DV victims is conditional on whether they meekly say the right things at the right time to satisfy what you think should happen

I also think you are completely out of order by how you represent "Social Services" as a doom-laden, apocalyptic threat to what might happen if you do not take advice on board. There is enough misunderstanding about "evil baby snatchers" that frightens vulnerable people off seeking help from the very professionals that could signpost some valuable RL support.

microferret · 25/04/2015 14:29

Springy, I'm afraid you're wrong in thinking harsh words are helpful. They only make people defensive. Shaming abuse victims for not saying what you think they should is not going to help one iota and will in fact discourage the OP from seeking help here in the future.

She's already got an abuser in her life, she doesn't need another one. No matter how convinced you may be of your righteous crusade against DV, and that the collateral of this woman's feelings are worth it, most of us can see that your method here is at best counterproductive.

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 14:58

springy I am pretty sure you are not the only DV survivor on this thread.
You say you have no interest in helping the OP so by extension you have no interest in helping her ds.
You escaped abuse. Well done.
But I agree with Ehric and AF, you're not helping her or her son.

Why don't you start another thread in AIBU where you can tell everyone what DV victims have to do to gain your support.

Viviennemary · 25/04/2015 15:04

You are very young and have plenty of time to build a happy life for yourself and your DC. But it doesn't look very likely with this man. You need to make the break.You don't have any other option than this or else you are setting yourself up for years of misery. I agree . Please leave.

Twothirdsamidwife · 25/04/2015 15:13

OP - GOOGLE THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME and find where your local course is being held, it's a 12 week course which gives you the tools to see him for what he is, meet others in a similar position and give you the strength to get out with your son.

2 women a week are murdered by their partner, please don't risk your little boy being without a mother xx

Higgle · 25/04/2015 15:18

At least OP has the house in her name, so subject to suitable court order she doesn't face the disruption of actually "leaving".

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 16:51

As a pp has said, social workers have the space to pad out their approach with kindness - precisely bcs legal power is on their side, enforceable should the need arise.

I was under the impression SS do all they can to facilitate a family stay together. In relatively rare instances they have to make the choice to remove the child/ren. They'd rather not but sometimes have no choice - but when they make that choice they move decisively,yes.

Lavish op with your kindness in the hope she sees the light, then. Her boyf has already tried to strangle her in her boy's presence so I can't see that op is in any danger of seeing the light any time soon ie that protecting her boy comes FIRST.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 17:02

Since OP has fucked off anyway, we may never find that out. Engaging with her more kindly may or may not have kept her here, we may never know, but my conscience rests easy.

chocolatefingersandtoes · 25/04/2015 17:13

AF, are you implying that springy and I have been responsible for the OP not coming back to this thread?

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 17:31

Your general attitude is why people are frightened away from seeking outside support, so yes

FantasticButtocks · 25/04/2015 17:48

Hi OP if you are still reading. You are so right when you say your life wasn't supposed to be like this. And your DS's life also wasn't supposed to be like this.

Now that you have recognised and acknowledged this, you are taking the first step to making your life what it is supposed to be. Even though you are not saying anything now on your thread, perhaps you are still reading and, if so, I hope many of the words of advice offered to you have helped you to find the strength to do what you know needs to be done.

It is a shame that you love him. Because for your life to be what it is supposed to be, you will have to do without him. And yes, you will feel sad about that. But that's ok. That sadness will fade.

The fear and sadness you feel about this ongoing frightening situation for you and your son however, will continue as long as you are in this relationship. And if you end up feeling you let your son down by staying, the sadness will be far deeper than the temporary grief of letting this man go.

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 17:53

Get out. This is abuse.

You do not deserve to be treated like this. No one should be treated like this, whatever the reasons.

It is completely, incontestably, unequivocally appalling and unacceptable.

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 18:21

She'd be unusual, then. Swathes of ppl have posted on MN and seen the light in response to a mixture of lavishly kind and straight-talking advice.

No choc, you were supposed to be kindly and gentle to this woman. In fact, should her boy finally get a voice, he will be expected to be kind and non-judgemental towards this poor woman who couldn't help fucking up his life bcs she was in lurve.

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 18:25

springy what exactly are you getting out of this?

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 18:49

The same as you I expect, mink