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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life wasn't supposed to be like this.

129 replies

tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 19:20

When I was 18 I got pregnant and had my son. When I was 19 my boyfriend started being violent. When I was 20, I thought he was going to strangle me to death in front of our child. When I was 21 he left me when my dad beat him up for raising his hand to me. He broke my heart. I cried over him every day for months. When I was 22 I took him back. He was caught trying to cheat on me a few weeks later. My grandmother had just died, so I was vulnerable, still loved him, and didn't have the strength to throw him out. It was easier to try to forgive him. Now I'm 23. Our relationship hasn't changed much. He still takes his anger out on me. He's still violent. I rang the police on him on one occasion and had him removed from the house, but couldn't bring myself to press charges against him. Our sex life isn't great. Once a month or so. I don't know if he has cheated on me or not. I can't trust him. Him and my father can't be in the same room together. He tried to kill himself last week by overdosing on pills, because he stole and spent £7000 of his grandfathers money. I had to go in the ambulance with him and book him in. Stayed in the hospital for nearly 7 hours so he wouldn't wake up alone. I had to help him access counselling and get a sick line from the doctor. I'm trying to support this man through his depression and desperation because I love him.

I'm 23, and my life wasn't supposed to be like this.

OP posts:
mummytime · 22/04/2015 21:07

He is harming your son - every time he disrespects or hurts you.

Please phone Women's aid and get some help and support in getting your thinking clear in the first place.

paxtecum · 22/04/2015 21:15

Love, your life will get better when you give this man up.
You are putting his life, his depression before your own happiness.

Life will not get better whilst you are with this man however much you try to help him.

Wishing you strength and happiness.

MiniTheMinx · 22/04/2015 21:18

If you can't leave because of yourself, and you for whatever reason want to stay with him, try to think about this a different way for a minute. He won't change unless he wants to change. People change when they are motivated to. Give him some motivation by ending it. If you love him, and you love your child you will do that. You can choose to stay, you can think you are putting everyone else first, you can even think in some weird way that you are helping him, you are not.

GinAndSonic · 22/04/2015 21:22

Speak to womend aid. If you are by any chance in the north east please pm me and ill give you details of a local organisation who will give you support, and who wont judge you or tell you what to do.

PacificDogwood · 22/04/2015 21:23

Yes, your life is shit.

What do you think you can go to change things?
Because if you want a better life for you and your child, you have to make the change.
He will not change. It's over to you.

YOU need to be the grown-up here and take control.
Get out.
It sound like your parents would support you.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/04/2015 21:29

My life wasn't supposed to be like this.

No-one's life is supposed to be like this. Not you, not anyone - every person deserves caring and respect. And if you're not getting it in your relationship, then you're in the wrong relationship.

You don't have a choice in how he treats you.
You do have a choice in whether you stick around to receive more of that treatment.

What do you think you need in order to break free?

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 21:29

He buys me thoughtful gifts, records programmes he thinks I would like. Brings me a cup of tea in bed in the morning on his day off. All the silly little things that make a relationship great. And the sex is good, when it happens.

This does not constitute a good relationship, this constitutes somebody who can be half arsed occasionally in really superficial ways.

Sorry.

Your benchmark for how you ought to be treated is so low right now, why? Do you genuinely think he is good compared to other men (been there - the t-shirt is really unflattering, and not worth it Grin) or do you think that you are worth so little? It's got to be one or the other?

viva100 · 22/04/2015 21:29

I've never posted in a thread like this before because there are other posters who know more than me but I feel compelled to say something here.

Even if he doesn't hit your son, it will still be extremely damaging and distressing for him. Kids pick up the stress and anxiety around them very easily and he'll grow up unhappy and with loads of behavioral problems as a result. One day he will grow up and blame you (as well as his father) for making him grow up like that. And he'll probably grow up thinking it's ok to beat up women.
My grandfather hit my grandmother a lot. He would be the perfect husband and father for 2-3 months at a time and then come home one night angry and the abuse would start again. He also tried to kill himself a few times. My mother never forgave her parents for it. She had a terrible childhood. She still breaks down sometimes when she remembers some of the stuff (she's 60 now btw). She never 'got over' it. You just can't. Not with all the therapy in the world.
For your son's sake, leave now. Unlike a lot of other abused women, you have a caring father who can help you. I really hope you get out of this situation soon, OP. This is not how relationships are supposed to be. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can start living, pick up the pieces, establish your independence and somewhere in the future even meet someone who is good to you and your son (and you will find that most men out there are decent human beings who respect women and would never raise a hand at you). I hope you pluck up the courage to do the right thing soon. Do it for your son. Flowers

AnyFucker · 22/04/2015 21:31

That is a great post, viva

pootlebug · 22/04/2015 21:33

OMFG you are 23. 23! Yes, your life isn't supposed to be like this - nobody's is. You have years and years and years of time in which to have a happy life, and show your child what a happy life looks like…..but not in this relationship. Get out. Please, please, for your son's sake and your own….get out.

Rebecca2014 · 22/04/2015 21:33

He is harming your son by hitting his mother. Your son is 5, he is old enough to know something is wrong. Just because he has never seen your partner hit you, does not mean he thinks everything is ok.

Have you seen the programme, murdered by my boyfriend? It is a very good and realistic story, that could be you if you do not end this relationship. Do you really want risk losing your life? 2 women a week are killed by an abusive partner and you are in great danger by staying with this 'man'

You may feel guilty for leaving at this time, but he sounds very mentally unstable which could put you in even more danger. If you cannot leave, can your son stay with another family member? it is not ok for your son to be living in an violent household.

PacificDogwood · 22/04/2015 21:53

May I join AF in asking what you are looking for from this thread?

Re the occasional pleasant gesture: the absence of cruelty does not constitute kindness.
The occasional cup of tea does not make up for physical violence and having you live in fear.

And yes of course this is all very damaging and unhealthy for your child to be living with this.

PacificDogwood · 22/04/2015 21:55

Oh, and what you are feeling is not 'love'. It's dependency and fear and a yearning for what you would like your relationship to be like.

Love makes you feel wonderful and light and happy and cherished.
When was the last time you felt any of those?

chocolatefingersandtoes · 22/04/2015 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

blueberrypie0112 · 22/04/2015 23:16

If you don't leave now, do you want your child to repeat the same type of behavior. It become a cycle, you know.

Original poster
tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 23:26

I think what I wanted from this thread is to hear that it's not normal, and that I need to leave him. To rant a bit, and share how I really feel with someone, anyone. House is in my name and we aren't married so he would be the one leaving. Seeing all your replies in black and white has helped me get my thoughts together. I was on the phone to my dad there, and we talked things through a bit. He doesn't know he's been violent with me again, or he would flip his lid. Dp od'd in the morning just after son went to nursery, so I asked dad to pick him up after, and he ended up taking him out for the day, then brought him back when I got home that evening.

I know this isn't a good example to set ds. Think I'm going to have to end things with him. I do love him, but I guess dependency is a big issue too.

chocolatefingersandtoes I hope no one ever discloses domestic abuse to you, because that attitude helps no-one.

OP posts:
Original poster
tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 23:28

And I have no idea why he had the money, or what's happening now other than he's paying it back. Probably better off not knowing.

OP posts:
Original poster
tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 23:40

Thank you all for kind words, and those who wished me strength and happiness. Viva, I don't want my son to end up as traumatised by us as your mother was by her parents. I don't know what the childcare arrangements will be this time. I think the biggest mistake I made was taking him back a year ago, letting him talk me round with meaningless promises that things would be different. Then my gran died, and I was a bit numb for a long time, grieving for her. I do see my mum, but was much closer to my gran, she was like a mum to me in some ways.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 23:47

It's good that the house is in your name, but have you thought about how you're going to get him to leave? Will he go quietly if you ask?

chocolatefingersandtoes · 23/04/2015 00:28

OP, I witnessed much abuse within my own family, my DF was violent towards me and my DM, as well as being EA, so I have very real experience. If you wanted me to be empathetic to your situation I would be more so, if you didn't have a child. I'm sorry that I can't soothe you but I honestly think as a parent one of your many responsibilities is to face up to the reality of the environment you are raising your child in, question whether you are doing your absolute best for the physical and mental well-being of your child and I'm sorry but from what you've described your home isn't, IMO, a healthy environment for your son. I also don't think it's fair for children to be subjected to abuse in the famly because their parents make bad decisions such as mothers staying with abusive partners. This isnt helpful to you though, as I suppose it's not what you want to hear. On that note, I'm going to back out of this thread. TBH, it's your child I feel most sorry for.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/04/2015 00:33

OP, was your dad violent to either you or your mother? You mention that you were closer to your gran, so I am wondering if you grew up in a violent home and therefore associate violence with love to some extent.
The fact that your dad beat your partner up rather than supporting you to go to the police suggests at least the possibility that you were brought up to associate violence with both love and problem-solving, which might explain why you feel you 'love' this inadequate wanker you live with.

lunalelle · 23/04/2015 01:55

Why would you support him? He hits you. He steals from family members. Seriously, you may say you love him, but if this is not a text book example of love not being enough, then I don't know what is.

I, too, am concerned that your father 'beat him up'. I have a daughter in her late teens. I would be more inclined to press charges with the police and insist that my daughter and grandchild came home with me than to commit violence myself. I can understand your father being very upset, but I also wonder whether ornot you were exposed to violent behaviour early in life which has normalised it for you.

OP, this is not normal. This 'man' needs to be removed from your life permanently with immediate effect. He will not change, he will get worse. He does not love you. You are worthy of love, and deserve be treasured by a lovely person who will make your life wonderful.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 23/04/2015 02:02

He has never tried to hurt our son

Oh he has......every single time he's been verbally and physically violent towards the mother of his child, YOU, he IS hurting him.

I hope you find the strength to walk away, if not for yourself for your son!

shewept · 23/04/2015 06:21

Op you may not like chocolatefingers posts. And I get that, but she has a point. People get frustrated because they have seen this before. They have been through it. They have seen the fallout that will damage your son and shadow the rest of his life. He doesn't get to choose if you stay with this abuser. But it will affect him for the rest of his life. How is that fair? Yes you need to get away for you. But its not that easy. However you should get away asap for your son, your love for your son should override everything.

You don't want this life for you? What about the life you want for him? When he is 23 do you want him to have allsorts of emotional trauma because he dad beat his mum. Or even possibly become a man who beats his girlfriend? Because that's what's going to happen. What about the life your son deserves? If you don't leave for your sake, you must do it for your sons.

winkywinkola · 23/04/2015 06:32

Your life is shit and always be shit because of this creepy man. He's a violent abuser. A thief too by all accounts. I think you can feel pretty sure he has no qualms about cheating on you.

What is so attractive about him? A few cups of tea? A few laughs? Really? Is that it?

I wonder why you don't feel that you and your ds deserve a whole lot more that this skin crawling creature? He's a creepy bed bug and should be crushed and flicked out of your life.

Once you do that, you will find things get a lot brighter. You won't be wondering when he's next going to thump or strangle you, for starters.

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