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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My life wasn't supposed to be like this.

129 replies

tresfatigue · 22/04/2015 19:20

When I was 18 I got pregnant and had my son. When I was 19 my boyfriend started being violent. When I was 20, I thought he was going to strangle me to death in front of our child. When I was 21 he left me when my dad beat him up for raising his hand to me. He broke my heart. I cried over him every day for months. When I was 22 I took him back. He was caught trying to cheat on me a few weeks later. My grandmother had just died, so I was vulnerable, still loved him, and didn't have the strength to throw him out. It was easier to try to forgive him. Now I'm 23. Our relationship hasn't changed much. He still takes his anger out on me. He's still violent. I rang the police on him on one occasion and had him removed from the house, but couldn't bring myself to press charges against him. Our sex life isn't great. Once a month or so. I don't know if he has cheated on me or not. I can't trust him. Him and my father can't be in the same room together. He tried to kill himself last week by overdosing on pills, because he stole and spent £7000 of his grandfathers money. I had to go in the ambulance with him and book him in. Stayed in the hospital for nearly 7 hours so he wouldn't wake up alone. I had to help him access counselling and get a sick line from the doctor. I'm trying to support this man through his depression and desperation because I love him.

I'm 23, and my life wasn't supposed to be like this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/04/2015 18:41

I think scallops post is very balanced, actually

Yes, it is frustrating when women stick around for more of the same abusive treatment, but until they are ready to accept that yes, they can stop it by walking away it only feeds into their own self-blame when you join in with blaming her for the actions of an abuser

springydaffs · 24/04/2015 19:22

Not blaming her for the actions of an abuser but pulling her up on not protecting her son. Two different things. If she wants to sacrifice herself that's one thing but sacrificing her son is another.

Jackieharris · 24/04/2015 19:27

Call women's aid.

minkGrundy · 24/04/2015 19:33

springy yes she should leave with her son. Because she can. Because they will both be happier.

But she is NOT abusing her son. HE is. She is not responsible for him. HE is. HE is the bad parent.

That is the point if you blame the victims of abuse you deflect blame from abusers. That is exactly what they also try to do. Their behaviour is always someone else's fault.
It takes most survivors a long time to realise they are not making their partner abuse them. They are not letting their partner abuse them. Their partner is choosing to be abusive.

There is the TED talk about that where the speaker says "John beat Mary" becomes "Mary was beaten by John" (John is no longer the subject). Becomes "Mary was beaten" Suddenly John, the abuser, the person responsible has disappeared altogether. That is what victim blaming does. It lets abusers escape blame.

And it also takes time to realise that OP you can cope alone. In fact it is much easier to cope without someone bringing you down and telling you what you cannot do.

You can do this.

chocolatefingersandtoes · 24/04/2015 21:42

Where on earth did I blame her for the actions of her abuser AF?

chocolatefingersandtoes · 24/04/2015 22:06

By staying in a violent home the OP is subjecting her son to witnessing abuse towards her. And keeping him in a toxic, violent home. As he is so young he cannot leave if his own accord. This will undoubtedly emotionally and mentally damage him, He's only 5 FFS! This is what I find so hard to take and I'm pretty sure SS would have a pretty similar view on this. When does it become about the real victims? The children? In my opinion in an extremely simplistic view, we are adults. We are responsible for everything that we do and say. Many of us are damaged ourselves...The abuser is most likely a victim himself of some form of abuse throughout his life and also suffers from severe MH issues but everyone is holding him responsible for his actions. Very, very responsible. Because he is. Even though he is probably incredibly damaged as a human being. I suffered abuse, DV, and all the rest of abuse out there when I was younger from very close members of my family so I understand the pain, confusion and fear but I also hold myself completely responsible for myself and my actions. Especially as a parent...Maybe I have got this all wrong, and I'm completely bonkers but this thread has really upset meSad.

minkGrundy · 24/04/2015 22:30

She is not subjecting him to it. her abuser is subjecting his son to watching him abusing his son's mother.

Whilst the OP can and should leave, how exactly is heaping guilt and blame on her actually going to help achieve that?

How is that going to help her son?

springydaffs · 24/04/2015 23:20

Slopping around after her poor lamb abuser hasn't protected her boy. Jumping down anyone's throat who dares suggest she is damaging her boy by putting the poor lamb first isn't protecting her boy. Meanwhile, the boy is up to his neck in an extremely toxic home which is likely to damage him for life. How dare you jump down the throat of someone who has been the victim of precisely what you are doing to your boy! He is the real poor lamb here: defenceless, powerless, dependant on YOU.

From what op has said, her boy comes last. The poor lamb comes first (or op's addiction to the poor lamb comes first). Except he isn't a poor lamb. He wouldn't punch and try to strangle erm David Beckham, so he can control it. He 'tries' to top himself to avoid facing the consequences of pissing his nan's £7k up the wall. Waste. Of. Space. But where is op? With her boy? No, with the waste of space abuser, thief, emotional and physical incontinent, because she 'didn't want him to wake up alone'.

While some of you are digesting your textbooks and tip-toeing around the other poor lamb, the boy is being destroyed. Out of interest, if op were any other type of addict would we be asking what good it would do to 'pour shame' on her actions? Op's addiction is exactly the same with similarly devastating consequences for her boy.

Girl, get your act together and protect your boy. Or listen to everyone being sweet, caring, kind and understanding while your boy drowns.

(WHEN you have taken steps to protect your boy you will be flooded with all the kindness, sweetness, caring and understanding you need. Once you have protected your boy. Until then, nope, not forthcoming.)

chocolatefingersandtoes · 24/04/2015 23:24

My point is the OP's DP is a total scumbag, violent and abusive. He subjects his son to his abuse of his mum. Unforgivable. Should be sent to jail. The OP CHOOSES to stay with this scumbag with little, so it seems, care for the impact in her son. This thread wasn't about "how do I leave my violent DP without him killing me". It was " this isn't how I imagined my life". She's supported him and stayed with him because she loves him. But...she's chosen this life for her son.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 00:18

choc I agree with you

but please could you explain how making op feel even worse than she already does will make her leave ?

it won't....bashing her is more likely to send her back into the arms of the person who tells her I am the only one who understands you

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 00:21

springy you are being offensive

I don't waste time "digesting my textbooks"...that infers people are not living in the real world

my advice is very firmly fixed in reality...and the reality is that shaming women helps not one fucking iota

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 00:22

these last few posts are not what I have come to expect of the "Relationships" forum

yuk

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 00:24

AF right as ever.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 00:30

sorry, mink, I hope you realise I didn't mean to lump you in with the last couple of posters

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 01:17

AF Smile np

stormyboots · 25/04/2015 01:38

It's really not fair on your child to continue in this relationship.
If you haven't the strength to leave for yourself then do it for your child.
You said this isn't the life you expected but you are choosing it to a certain extent. Let your child have a happy childhood, it's such a short time really. Also being exposed to violence will have a lasting effect on the adult he will become. Did your partner grow up in a violent home?
I know all of this advise is probably easier said than done otherwise no one would stay with abusive partners but please accept any offers of help as there really is a better life out there for you. He's done such a number on your self esteem you probably don't believe it or even think you deserve better, but you do and your son especially does.
Take care.

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 01:39

Bottoming out is usually the way with addicts.

Then there's enabling: the poor love can't help it.

I'd be kind to her if she wasn't neglecting her kid.

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 09:16

Helpful as ever springy Hmm

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 10:54

Np mink

Higgle · 25/04/2015 11:43

I'm afraid I have little sympathy for you OP as you are allowing a situation to continue which is highly damaging to your son. You say you remain because you love your abusive apology for a man yet day in day out this toxic relationship is harming the one person who has no choices and who you purport to care about. Leave him now, youhave no choice. I'm surprised that given the background Social Services are not involved in this matter.

PacificDogwood · 25/04/2015 11:59

There seems to be rather a lot of lack of understanding of codependent relationships and how deep the loss of 'self' can go in an abusive relationship.
Of course it is easy to see from the outside (and sometimes from the inside) how damaging relationships like the OP's are, but much much harder to leave.
I actually think that tres sounds like she is working herself up to find the courage to do what she knows is the right thing to do and will allow her and her DS a chance of a better life.

Higgle · 25/04/2015 12:14

OP has asked for views from outside to help her see clearly what she should do, I think that she has got them. Not an option for adults to allow a child to be harmed. All Heath and Social Care Staff are required to make safeguarding alerts in relation to Domestic Abuse and it is better if the OP sorts these issues out now rather than waiting for SS to be in the driving seat.

springydaffs · 25/04/2015 12:24

By whom, Pacific?

Signed up member of CoDA and also signed up member of hideously abused wives club (lapsed) here. The latter flagged up the former ime.

So some of do know the insides of this insidious dynamic. And perhaps why some of us are unequivocal, having experienced it from the inside and all. Some may want to ponce about, having read all the books, and may want to show how Kind they are and how much they Understand but ime the recovery community doesn't mince words. Which is just as good, as addiction is extraordinarily tenacious.

TheVeryHungryPreggo · 25/04/2015 12:32

I think while we can all see pretty clearly that there is ONE abusive adult in this scenario, and recognise that the OP is being abused and all the brainwashing/control/shame/isolation that comes with it, that makes it so difficult for abused women to leave their partners...

...it's just not good enough from the point of view of the child. From what I've seen, many children of abusive relationships find it equally difficult to forgive their abused parents for the abuse as much as the abuser, and have poor relationships in later life with their abused parent even once the abuser has gone from their lives.

They think "why didn't she leave him? Why did she not want to protect me, her child? Why didn't she care enough about US to get us out of there? She was the adult and we were children, why did she make those choices for us when we couldn't protect ourselves? Why was neither parent looking out for us and they both let us grow up in that damaging environment?"

I have every sympathy for the OP and I don't think condemning her is helpful. But I think it is important to show the perspective - especially from those who have grown up in abusive homes - that "the good adult" doing nothing is just as harmful to the children who cannot protect themselves and rely on adults to do it for them, because the end result is that the child remains living in an abusive environment.

I hope she finds the strength to leave him soon.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 12:35

springy do you think you have assisted OP in any way ?

or have you beaten her down even further ?

yes, these difficult things need saying but you are aggressive and leave no way for someone like OP to see a way through on her own terms

for an example of how to word things that still don't actually pull any punches, have a look at what stormy said

there's a bit of book learnin' for you