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Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
fairylightsbackintheloft · 20/04/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 13:54

Oh fairy that is awful

croon979 · 20/04/2015 13:59

Just wanted to say how sorry I am to read this thread. You deserve so much better OP. If he was remorseful and begging for forgiveness, I could maybe understand you deciding to talk to him. However, without wanting to be brutal, he seems to be relieved that the secret is out and to be content with moving out. Fir him, it is over.

For your sake and your child's sake, I can only reiterate what others have said. It is so important that you protect yourselves, as difficult as it is try to hold your head up high and get tough. He will realize one day how badly he messed up, I am sure, but by then it will be too late. More fool him.

I myself have been cheated on and the second I found out, i packed his bags for him and kicked him out. I sorted out the finances and, whilst there were moments of sadness, my pride overtook sadness and I didn't look back. Apart from the fact that he was quite taken aback by the way I reacted (think he genuinely thought would beg/try to salvage or fight for the relationship)...it was also better for me to have taken back control of the situation. As time passed, I was so astonished with the benefit of hindsight how I came to realize that actually the relationship was not brilliant and it would probably have never worked long term.

Truly believe that things happen for a reason. This guy is not a good guy. He is not worth it. There are plenty out there that are but he is not one of them.

Strength to you xx

Phoenix0x0 · 20/04/2015 14:00

fairy and ophelia
Flowers

namechange2015 · 20/04/2015 14:02

God fairy what an idiot, they are both deluded at the moment but the truth will be always at the back of their minds, they are just trying to dull it with excuses, but it will always be there. You, on the other hand have a clear conscience and a bright and breezy future Flowers

countingto10 · 20/04/2015 14:04

OP you might get a chance to read this before he gets home, recognise the "dumsel in distress"!

Remember to look after yourself and do what you want to do. Be very kind to yourself atm and get some legal advice, it makes you feel more in control.

sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 14:07

It's called cognitive dissonance fairy

I hope they both fall flat on their faces and you meet someone who lights up your life. Thanks

PeppermintPasty · 20/04/2015 14:09

Fairy, your absolutely amazing insight and analysis will help you through this. I suspect it is hard won, but your clarity will end up helping you heal faster, I'd put money on it. I speak as one who liked to think she saw and understood it all, but in truth I sat stupefied in denial for many a month when it happened to me xx

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2015 14:29

he's sent her pictures of himself tuned on wanting her. There are 3 pictures of him "enjoying her pictures" even one showing the end result of his fun while looking at her pictures

I realise you probably never want to see those images again, but please make sure you copy them - preferably in several different formats - keep them somewhere utterly secure, and do NOT tell him you've done so

There seems a high chance this could turn thoroughly nasty, and the threat of someone who matters to him seeing them could be very useful to you one day

LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2015 14:32

I remember at one point saying something actually withering to my ex husband when he was going on about how he couldn't help falling in love with her.

I said 'You're not Romeo and fucking Juliet, you're a guy getting his cock sucked in the stationary cupboard'.

The only way they can convince themselves about leaving a family with children is to make the new relationship 'other worldly' and 'fate' and fucking kismet. It's all the excitement of secret affairs and the lack of actual relationship reality.

sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 14:37

I said 'You're not Romeo and fucking Juliet, you're a guy getting his cock sucked in the stationary cupboard'.

Kudos.

I'm afraid not really that I would say something like this.

The ex use to say I had a vicious tongue.

Meh......

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2015 14:40

Why do other people always come up with the good lines, Laurie ... how I wish I'd thought of that myself!! Grin

namechange2015 · 20/04/2015 14:40

I said 'You're not Romeo and fucking Juliet, you're a guy getting his cock sucked in the stationary cupboard
GrinGrinGrin

Weebirdie · 20/04/2015 14:57

I remember one of mine in reply to would I like to go out for a drive.

No, I said, I have no intention of ever again going in a car thats had more bitches in it than the local kennels.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2015 15:16

I have no intention of ever again going in a car that's had more bitches in it than the local kennels

Priceless!!! Grin

I absolutely don't want to derail the thread while we wait for Ophelia's return, but i seems to me we could do with a reference collection of these comments ...

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 15:27

Laurie

Words to live by, fab

duckbilled · 20/04/2015 15:40

Thinking of you this afternoon op Flowers

BoredAdminGirl · 20/04/2015 15:50

I have read this thread from start to finish and my heart breaks for you OP. Please don't do the "pick me" dance, he doesn't deserve any second chances.

I know it hurts that he isn't fighting for you but you have to realise your worth and start telling friends and family. Personally I would tell his parents, so that they can see him for the rat he is.

Also, once his relationship with OW is out in the open (assuming that happens) the excitement will soon fade away.

Thinking of you

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 16:29

So he's gone again. I think he's left me for the OW.

He turned up and said he wouldn't stay long just enough to pack some things and have a brief chat. He said that he's staying in a hotel tonight and with a friend from work this week, he said that he is not staying with the OW during the week as she has her child but did say that as it's not her weekend with her kid he thinks it's likely they will spend the weekend together. He said they'd need more time to talk and work out what happens next.

I asked him if she knew what was happening at our house. He said yes he said he didn't speak to her last night but messages her on his way into work. They had a meeting under the guise of mentoring and he told her I'd see his Facebook and obviously it had rises suspicions. He told me they talk for about an hour the OW said she was sorry I'd found out this way and he said he was too. He told me that he thinks it's more than just sex, the sex was a thrill but they have a real connection, he's always thought she was great and he know realises the true extent of his feeling for her.
I asked if that meant he was now in a. Relationship with her. Apparently no the OW thinks that's too disrespectful and he needs to work stuff out with me like kids money etc but they will carry on seeing each other and "taking it slow" not sure how you can take it slow after shagging in the office and leaving your wife but then again I starting to realise there is a lot I don't know apparently.

I said I didn't want the kids near her. He said he understood that and that she said that she thought it would be horrifically unfair for her to meet te kids in the coming months as she is also a single parent son knows how hard it is when someone else comes into your kids life. He did say that obviously he will respect my wishes but there will come a time when if it goes as he hopes the OW will be in their lives. I'm heart broken by this!

He said that she has a great relationship with her ex and her ex has a new gf who te OW gets on with and there is no animosity or difficulties so he knows it's possible.just another example where she is oh so bloody perfect. Managing to stay good friends with her ex and even get on with the new gf!

He packed up a small suitcase of clothes and some other stuff. He said he'd like to see the twins this week but understands if I don't want him in the house. He suggested he Finishes work early on Wednesday and takes them out for dinner.

His actions make me think He may have been planning to leave me all along. I can't work out if it was his plan all along or if me finding out just gave him the chance he's been looking for.

OP posts:
fairylightsbackintheloft · 20/04/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoredAdminGirl · 20/04/2015 16:39

Oh Ophelia, you're living a nightmare. I hope you have good friends around you xx

BoredAdminGirl · 20/04/2015 16:39

Well said fairy

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 16:40

Oh op I am so sorry

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 16:41

Tell him he can take them this Saturday and bring them back and do bath and bedtime...since he thinks he is having a free weekend with ow, you are just supposed to watch his children?????

ravenmum · 20/04/2015 16:42

She has a great relationship with her ex and it's all happy families, so you can be a good girl too? Maybe her ex didn't treat her with total disrespect, lying to her and sleeping with someone else behind her back? Just maybe?